L---- texted me that her teenage daughter T------, who has developmental disabilities and mental illness, had "called to try and get them" but was awaiting a return call. I didn't hesitate to strongly suggest to her that there is NO WAY ON EARTH that they will let T------ adopt them. THEY ARE NOT UNWANTED ANIMALS AWAITING ADOPTION IN A SHELTER.
The birth mother does not understand the rigorous procedure that we adoptive parents go through to adopt children. We have to apply, which is a folder of paperwork in and of itself, get fingerprinted, have state and federal background checks return without a blemish, and THEN and only then, does the adoptive homestudy process begin. This involves several visits to the home, inspection of every inch of the home, and more probing into family members, co-workers and friends. EVERY reference is checked. More paperwork, including copies of homeowner's insurance and pet veterinary records, must by completed. There are quizzes to assess the applicant's mental health and the stability of their long-term relationship or marriage. The couples are interviewed separately about their childhoods, family background, legal history, work history, any drug use, and possible sexual abuse or deviations from the sexual norm.
This isn't an easy process, and it took us a year the first time because we already had two children and we had just relocated to the Southeast Aurora Denver Metro Area (SADMA). We aren't currently homestudied nor are we interested or ready to adopt, and especially not children who have been so severely physically and sexually abused and neglected, as well as being moved from one foster home to another over the past few years. Tomorrow's Guardian Ad Litem implored me not to even have M---- come over for an overnight visit/respite care. SHE WAS IN TEARS. She worried that the girl could undo some of the progress we'd made with Tomorrow in one day. So I promised her that while my instinct was to try and adopt M----, because she is the only girl out of the other five who are a full sister to Tomorrow, we would keep our promise to keep Tomorrow safe, even if that included keeping her away from her sisters.
At the termination hearing, the judge did not order that Tomorrow have ANY visits with her sisters, and that is extremely rare since the court does everything they can to protect and support sibling relationships. He did not feel it was necessary to protect those tenuous ties since she was removed from the home at only five weeks and the other sisters had been so abused. The concern was that they would abuse her physically or sexually.
Even if I wanted to adopt M---- or A-----, there is a very good chance that the adoption would not be approved for various reasons. One very important reason, that is tantamount in my mind, is that the girls need to be adopted separately and possibly be only children. I have yet to look into the broadcast or their adoption information, but I hope that the county is not willing to let someone adopt both them. They have sexually abused each other and need to be separated. They are a danger to each other and other siblings, and will not be able to live up to their full potential until they are free from acting out their traumatic past with each other every day.
It's days like today when I regret staying in touch with Tomorrow's birth mother. My thinking was that it is best to keep one's friends close, and one's enemies closer. By staying in touch with her, I know where she is (Brooklyn, New York) and what she is up to (gang banging and getting pregnant again), et cetera.
I'm sad but also happy for A----- and M---- and hope they are both adopted by wonderful families who want a daughter to pamper and protect as much as we did. In a perfect world, we would adopt M----, the girl I met when she was three, who looked up at me with big brown eyes and said, "Can I go home with you, too?" Alas, it will not be. And this is where my tears fall.
This continues to be such a bittersweet journey. Just when I had shared a link to this blog on Google Plus and remarked that I hadn't written anything here for a while, I feel like I'm throwing up all over the screen once again. At first I was embarrassed by how much I lamented the journey when I looked back at my very emo posts. But I think it's so important for people considering foster adoption, especially interracial adoption. The fact that someone like me, who is educated, informed and skilled at communicating with other professionals, experienced as much angst and frustration throughout the process as I did, is cautionary advice for others who may not have as many resources and might get overwhelmed on the sometimes harrowing journey.
Onward and upward.
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