Or maybe not...
I've been crying on and off since I realized it's the 20th today. I pushed hard for us to be able to adopt Princess Tomorrow today, but came up against the brick wall of bureaucracy that is Denver Human Services. We're falling through a crack here~ in between a county Case Worker who quit to move back to North Carolina and an Adoption Worker just back from "maternity leave me alone" who is part-time and just learning her job. I've bent over backwards with appointments, calls, emails, paperwork and visits in order to keep keep the ball in the air on my side of the net, but I can only do so much. It feels like my teammates don't want to win this one.
When I read an email reminder about the event this morning, it was like a punch in the stomach. It seriously felt like a loss. I'm really trying to be positive and take on Mike's attitude of "We'll just keep taking their money as long as they want to give it to us-- especially with the holidays coming up" but it's hard. *Especially with the holidays coming up* if that makes sense.
I remember baby grrl laying under our little fake tree at the end of the sleigh bed in our room (because we were too exhausted to go get a real tree) and how she batted at a pretty glass and lace ornament from my mother-in-law, and cooed at the lights. I hoped then that she would be part of our "forever family" by the next Christmas, but it came and went without termination of her biological parent's rights. So this will be our third Thanksgiving/Solstice/New Year with our sweet daughter, but we still don't have that security of knowing we will celebrate many more holidays with her. It's a precarious feeling and I don't like heights or depths. I just want to move on. I want us to be a normal family, and I want to stop writing this blog (as soon as I finish making it into a book). I want to be so busy driving around to ballet, dance classes, gymnastics, soccer, and slumber parties that I ask myself why I wanted a little princess anyway!
So this is what we won't get to participate in tomorrow:
http://www.nationaladoptionday.org/2009/events/state_details.asp?Event1State=COLORADO&Submit=Go
I am happy beyond expression for the families who will adopt tomorrow, especially the kids.
I'm finding small comfort in the idea that we will have a day of our very own that'll be really special because it will be just us at the courthouse (and anyone who wants to come witness our adoption). Maybe I ought to start planning an after-adoption party?
I just really want today to be over so I can stop ruminating! I've been on and off Facebook all day trying not to overeat or smoke. My pity party will officially end at midnight.
Thanks for listening.
