A few worries...

#1. Mara's biological father showed up at court and checked in with the court Reporter, then was nowhere to be found when the proceedings began. He never returned to the hearing, and his lawyer said he was "unable to speak for him since he is not here". I am concerned that he was there to see Mara, and may have heard that I had brought her with me last time (she was still young and slept through most of the hearing). If Linda told him I might bring Mara, was he there to see her or perhaps even abduct her? I bet this sounds paranoid, but it happens all.the.time. in these kinds of cases. I am irked that the mediator revealed our last name at the last TDM ("Team Decision Making" meeting). With that information, one can easily find our address. This makes me feel very vulnerable since this case involves violence between the biological father and the boyfriend/common-law husband. I wish we could afford to move; we hope that by the time this is all settled we will be able to relocate...and most likely, to another state.

#2. At the Permanency hearing, the boyfriend/common-law husband, Stephen, brought up that he has a sister who is a foster mother, and might be willing to take the kids that are "his". I believe that the County is required to now investigate this as a placement option but I pray that it will not affect Mara since she is not "his".

#3. I continue to be bothered that no one feels we are capable of handling Monet (Mara's FULL SISTER who is four) due ot her behaviors. Sure, it be weird to have a little girl sitting around masturbating in our home and calling me Bitch, but I would like to at least have the opportunity to have her over for a dinner and a movie playdate or even an overnight visit. Her foster mother insists that her life is hell is with the two girls in her home and that we would not want to have Monet in our home, but I don't think it's her place to decide. I have a psychology degree and more experience working with disruptive behaviors in the residential setting. I woldl ike to have a hcance to keep the sisters together and it doesn't sit well with me that they are being kept apart simply because Monet is "so damaged" and "the most angry four year old" her therapist has ever seen. Maybe our home contains the right combination of love and logic she needs to feel safe and to heal from her abuse? What happened to trying to keep siblings together? We invited both of the sisters who are in foster care to Mara's birthday party, and the foster mother said they might be able to come if they are good but I knew they wouldn't come because in her mind they are never good enough.

For all of the above reasons, I find it hard to sleep lately. I don't know how it could get worse, this waiting, but I imagine that at some point I will need a sleep aid!

Lookie what Nana made!

Mara's new word is "lookie". It's especially adorable-ish-tic since no one taught her to say lookie, which means that she cutened up the word look all by her widdle self. Not that we don't make up words, because oh boy! Do we ever.

So anyway, lookie at what Nana sent Mara last week:





And she included these photos, some of my favorites of Baby Mara:





And a shirt that says "PEACE LOVE HORSES" which I WILL get a photo of ASAMP (as soon as motherly possible). And her first horse (a stuffed Breyer horse).

Thank you for thinking of us, Nana!

Family Watchdog

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List of registered offenders who have moved in or out of our area:

Out amaro, luis daniel Home 4810 s zeno st
aurora, CO 80015 0.98
In powers, richard charles jr Home 15935 e mercer cir
aurora, CO 80013 1.79
Out bain, david earl Home 3744 s danube cir
aurora, CO 80013 2.39
Out rush, kyle allen Home 3085 s ouray st
aurora, CO 80013 2.71
In mcbride, lamont Home 954 revere st
aurora, CO 80010 3.28
In trujillo, andrew michael Home 16572 e villanova pl
aurora, CO 80013 3.29
In hickman, steven robert Home 7375 s potomac st
centennial, CO 80112 3.62
In hakim, hashim abdul Home 3063 s ursula cir
aurora, CO 80014 3.75
In treber, richard alan Home 18895 e utah cir
aurora, CO 80017 4.39
Out packer, brandon allen Home 11410 e bates ct
aurora, CO 80014 4.5
Out mendinghall, victor jerome Home 2294 s quentin way apt d202
aurora, CO 80014 4.72
In bobb, paul griffin Home 1732 s blackhawk way apt c
aurora, CO 80012 4.76
In campbell, norman edward Home 1139 s xenia street apt c
denver, CO 80237 5.41
In rausch, ralph wilbert Home 3625 s verbena st apt 217
denver, CO 80237 5.8
In martinez, michael jude Home 14207 e grand dr apt 76
aurora, CO 80018 6.62



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Attachment: It Takes Two, At Least

Attachment: It Takes Two, At Least

A look into the over-use of the label
"Attachment Disorder"

By Joyce Maguire Pavao, Ph.D.

Attachment is a popular word in the world of foster care and adoption. The difficult thing is that it is being used in a pathologizing manner that is not helping kids, but rather, hurting them.

Of course the children who are fostered after abuse, neglect, war, several foster placements, domestic abuse and addictions by birth parents during pregnancy are all going to have more difficulty with attachment than a child who has not had those experiences — in utero and out.

Did you know that even children born into a great and untraumatized family life can have attachment issues? Someone may have four children by birth, and the third child may have some difficulty with attachment.

So why, all of a sudden, does every child who is in foster care or adopted, who has any problems at all get labeled as having “attachment disorder?”

All humans have to attach. We are, after all, inter-relational beings. So, why is it that we never look at the attachment style of the adults when we are seeking a placement for a child?

Why is it that we never do the work to help the parent to attach with the child at placement, and at post-placement visits, rather than waiting years and years until parents then say, “I was ill prepared for a child with trauma and I never understood this child?” If we are inadequately working with adopting parents in the attachment department, we are far more inadequate in working with the fostering parents to support attachment for the child.

Many children are resilient and they can learn to reattach. We used to think that if children were completely and totally detached from their birth families and birth countries they would be more available — like a clean slate — to attach to their “new” family. We now realize that a sign of good attachment is learning to attach, and trusting that attachments can happen again and again. This is why we try to keep the relationships that are not dangerous for a child, in the child’s life in some way, through contact that is safe and visitations that are clinically appropriate. Once an attachment bond is formed, the child can learn to elicit appropriate attachment behavior from his and her caregiver. Most individuals experience some trauma during their childhood. However, children are learning constantly, and as a result they are often quite resilient following these traumatic events.

Sometimes children’s reactions occur by learned associations or triggers. It is helpful for parents, or other caregivers, to help the child to identify these triggers. Some of the child’s associations lead to tantrums. Abused children, for example, often suffer feelings of anxiety, shame, embarrassment, anger or pain. These feelings often do not go away, and may be associated with other things. It is important to observe your child for what occurs prior to, and after the problem behavior occurs. It is also important for the adults to be able to reflect on their own reactions, and what things happen prior to and after their buttons are pushed. The consequences that follow a behavior influence whether or not the behavior is likely to be repeated. It is important to give a child attention for positive behavior, and to sometimes ignore negative behavior when possible and appropriate.

In some foster and adoptive families, the parents are new at this, and are not wanting to discipline too much as a child is settling in. It is usually important to help parents to identify bottom lines for what is “allowed” and to start from the beginning to give the child a sense of safety, by knowing what the rules are in this new environment. It seems counterintuitive to set boundaries for a child as you are trying to attach, and yet it is this clarity, and these boundaries, that will be evidence of safety to the child. If a parent waits months — and sometimes years — to start setting limits, the child will already have had to develop his or her own way to behave in order to feel safe, and some of these behaviors will not be ones that are well liked by the parents.

The consequences that children want to achieve when they are behaving poorly are generally reasonable if understood. It is the child’s means of achieving the consequences that are problematic. When you know what motivates your child’s negative behavior, you will be more likely to change the behavior by teaching the child the appropriate positive behaviors. This is difficult for parents, who did not parent the child from the beginning, or who are temporary caregivers, but it is not impossible and it is essential to positive attachment and a feeling of safety.

At Center For Family Connections we believe in a preventive approach to attachment problems. We are eager to help the parents to understand their own attachment styles and some strategies and models for successful redirecting of a child’s problematic behavior. Children do not have attachment “disorders,” they have attachment difficulty because of the chaotic and complicated lives they have lived prior to their current placement.

The fantasy of immediate bonding and attachment is quite rare in fostering and adoption, and sometimes doesn’t happen with a child by birth. We need to help new parents understand that not only does it take “two to tango,” but it takes time to deconstruct old patterns and reconstruct a new life for the child and family.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Joyce Maguire Pavao, Ed.D., LCSW, LMFT, is the founder and CEO of Center For Family Connections, Adoption Resource Center, Pre/Post Adoption Consulting Team, and Family Connections Training Institute. She is a clinical member and approved supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, clinical member of the American Orthopsychiatric Association, and clinical member of the American Family Therapy Association. She is currently on the Practice Board of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in New York. BY JOYCE MAGUIRE PAVAO, PH.D.

© 2004 Fostering Families TODAY magazine, all rights reserved.

REIKI flow to my sister Tina, her baby and her entire family; my husband, sons & daughter; her mom & five sisters; my mom, dad & sisters; & EVERYONE!

Usui Reiki Treatment for the improvement of body and mind:

The secret art of inviting happiness
The miraculous medicine of all diseases

Just for today, do not be angry
Do not worry and be filled with gratitude
Devote yourself to your work and be kind to people

Every morning and evening join your hands in prayer,
pray these words to your heart,
and chant these words with your mouth.

~Usui Mikao

The Plan is in place!

It's a long story, as usual, but for now: the concurrent plan for adoption and termination of parental rights (TPR) was put into place today. The judge wants a status update in December, and set the dates for the TPR hearing for March 3, 4, and 6. He said the county can request TPR at any time. The case gets more complicated with each hearing, and we grow more frustrated that no one's been charged with Failure to Protect (at the very least), but I feel hopeful that Mara could one day become part of our forever family.


In the words of Tom Petty, the wai-ai-ting is the hardest part.

I will never ever ever do this again.

Mark my words.

Six years ago...

I became Liam's Momma. I truly believe I became a mother the minute I knew I was pregnant with him, but today was the day I officially started my position FULL TIME.

Liam came into this world via Cesarean surgery after a failed thirty-two hour induction at term for pre-eclampsia (and a subsequent twelve-hour labor two days later after SROM at home on September 11). He was delivered at 5:39 a.m. and weighed in at an astonishing ELEVEN POUNDS, FOUR OUNCES. He was 22.5 inches long.

After carrying him to term, and on bedrest the last 3 months of pregnancy...


His Dadda got to hold him first...


His Nana was photographed holding him before me...


And his Aunt Jen looked better than me!


I finally got my photo op, and hammed it up as usual.


Liam had many visitors at the hospital (including nurses and other hospital staff who just wanted to see the giant baby). His FAMILY visitors, who came to St. Louis from Kansas City, included his GREAT-GRANDFATHER Barquist:



His GREAT-GRANDMOTHER Barquist:


And his Grandpa Farris, all-ways a CHIEFS fan:



Liam was unwrapped like the gift he is by each of us.


And he has been holding on tight to us ever since!

The Genesis of Friendship

A few Fridays ago, we went to Cici's Pizza in Aurora for pizza night (which we usually have at home with take & bake or take-out pies). Mara was in a high chair caddy-corner from another baby girl in a high chair. It wasn't long before they were doing the twistinside their highchairs, trying to look at each other instead of eating. Then they began signing to each other using baby signs! I recall that they signed about eating, milk, and baby dolls. Mara looked at me and signed that she was happy. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen! Babies having a conversation! Who knew they could talk before they could really talk? And signing to us is one thing-- to one another, that is simply amazing!

As it turns out, the other baby girl was going to turn one year old the day before Mara. We talked about the party we had planned for Mara's birthday. The other baby's mom hadn't known what to do for her daughter's birthday, as there aren't many places to have a party for a one year old. We invited them to come to Mara's party, since half of our guest list hadn't RSVP'd at that point and we had thirty spots to fill for her Denver Children's Museum party. As the mom and I talked more, we realized we had a great lot in common. First, she was wearing a black baby wrap she had made herself that is similar to the Moby Wrap! She also breastfeeds, homeschools, and had home birthed her daughter. All the babies and kids hit it off instantly in the arcade and it wasn't long before the big kids were out front climbing a tree.

The other baby's mama and I talked again later that week and decided to each bring our own cake to the party-- her daughter likes vanilla and Mara likes chocolate (all she has ever had is chocolate chip cookies but she always tries to pick the chocolate chips out and eat them all first). Then Mike and I had a brilliant idea-- which he special-ordered at the Albertson's bakery-- and it looked like this:


The brown Barbie cake topper was on the chocolate half and the white Barbie was on the vanilla side. And as much as I loathe Barbie, it was pretty cute. And delish. I think we can safely say it was the first cake of its kind but who knows?


Daddy delivers the sweetness!


She was so pleased with the cake she applauded it!


Her first slice of chocolate cake. Messy, but yummy.


Genesis, who was even dressed like a princess!



I had bought a satiny pink and silvery princess dress for Mara to wear to the party (Daddy's idea) but even in a 6/9 month size, it was too long and she tripped on it, so I returned it to the baby superstore which shall remain unnamed and bought her an orange tank top with a tiara embroidered on it (the first item of clothing I purchased for her that was not pink!) and pink leather slippers (that was the only color available!) that had a cupcake with one candle and BIRTHDAY GIRL embroidered on them.


At one point, Mara stole a crispy rice cracker from Genesis. Had I handed it to her, she would have most certainly rejected it. But since it was in the hand of her new friend, it was a must-have.


Aunt Jen helped The Birthday Girl open her presents



And she made a very special card for her-- inspired by Princess Presto from SuperWhy!


After opening presents, Mara ran out of the party room and hit the museum hard. She and I spent the entire afternoon in The Center for the Young Child where Mara played with her friend Scarlett, the daughter of another Mother for Liberty.


Scarlett is wearing the pants Mara had been wearing, and Mara is wearing striped leggings. Because girls.share.everything.


Double bubble, toil and trouble...


Just kidding!


Later on, the big kids climbed a favorite tree...



While rents had a Babywearing Convention...




And I devised a way to make them all sick so they would want to go home.



At day's end, a sweet time was had by all-- and even though we picked up a really nasty virus from the Denver Children's Museum, it was so worth it to give Mara a first birthday party that she may not remember but which we will never forget.

New friends, a new year, and a new color...purple. I'm sooo over pink!

one small year

"one small year
it's been an eternity
it's taken all of me to get here



the hands of time
they pushed me down the street
they swept me off my feet to this place
and i don't know my face



now all through the night i can pretend
the morning will make me whole again
then everyday i can begin
to wait for the night again



one more tune
that will never be done
it's just another one for the moon
for the days in the rune



just today i woke up feeling fine
like the world was mine
i was clean
and it was a dream



where out of the blue came you and me
the wizard of oz has set us free
you let me float out to your feet
just like you believed in me
it's like you believed

one small year
i wonder where i've gone
it shouldn't seem so long or so weird
and i was always here
it's just one small year"

~ shawn colvin