Peanuts Schmeanuts!

Tomorrow was sooo sick yesterday! It was awful. She had diarrhea all day, and it was the most noxious-smelling stuff ever (Makenzie's Mommy got to hear me changing a diaper-- I would have used a gas mask if I had one!) and it is very unusual for her to have a loose stool, let alone watery. Okay, GROSS. I'm sorry. I will stop now. Someday when my kids read this blog, Tomorrow will be so mad at me...and when I think of them reading it in the future, I imagine that they will view it as a hologram like in STAR WARS, you know when Princess Leia has that message for Obi Wan Kenobi?...but I promise not to post any pix of poop or vomit, just the sweetness...

NEway, the diarrhea was punctuated by copious amounts of vomit the first round of which went all over her and me, in my new brown dress. She even got some in her hair and on my face. Nastiest vomit scene ever for me! I stripped us both down and put our pukey clothes in the sink, and upstairs we went for a rinse and a soak. We had such a relaxing time that she fell asleep when I was toweling her dry, so I swaddled her in another towel and put her to sleep in her crib diaperless. And guess what? She stayed dry for her entire nap! I was Facebooking across the hall on the laptop while the boys watched The tale of Despereaux, and suddenly I looked up to see a little naked girl in the doorway! She waved and said, "Hi Mom." TOOO CUTE!!!!

Staying dry for naps (and then at nighttime) is the first sign of readiness for potty training, so since she is doing that and occasionaly making it to the potty, I think we are well on our way with her! It will be nice since DS1 is still not there yet. I used to think I had to have him trained completely before I could start with Tomorrow, but as with so many things in parenting I have been shown that I need to help train each child individually according to his or her ability, and they will show me for what they ready!

But back to the bodily fluids: I am not sure if it is a virus or if it was something we ate. WE did have some Thai leftovers on Monday, and it was tofu and veggies in a peanut sauce. Tomorrow has had peanuts before, and peanut butter, so I do not think it was the peanuts per se but perhaps the food was not quite safe as we had ordered it when The Bernards were here the Wednesday before. SO that was five days later, but it was the leftovers that were in a tupperware type container, well-sealed with a tight-fitting lid (and it's a nice reusable container too for sauces or soups so I will be sure to order that dish again next time-- what was it called again, Jen?)
Okay my new rule is that when I begin rambling off the title subject it is time to wrap up the post so thanks for veering with me but I will stop now. I just had a thought: WEEBLES WOBBLE BUT THEY DON'T FALL DOWN! Remember Weeble Wobbles??

Happy Placement Anniversary To You!

Not as catchy as Happy Birthday, but oh well...LOL...

Yesterday was officially one year and a half that Princess Tomorrow has been with our family! Sure, we're disappointed that her parental rights have not yet been terminated but we're mostly just GLAD she is still with us, where we can keep her safe and watch her growing up. She has truly, deeply blessed our family and been so much fun to have in our lives.

She is talking SOOO MUCH lately! Her newest words are "chicken" and "bunny" and she is trying to say Hammy's real name! She usually calls "mee mum" and Moose "meh muh" (yes, I really can tell a difference in those!) but just tonight she started saying "lee lee" which is almost his name! It is so sweet. She is so attached to her brothers, she cannot bear to be separated from them. Even if it is just because they want to go to their room and play with Geo Trax or LEGOS away from her, or like when they left yesterday before we did with their dad in his new SUV to be on time to the party/reunion on Easter; she is nearly inconsolable any time she is forced to be in a separate room or vehicle! This is why I am thinking for the next two court dates she needs to be with them, whether it is here or somewhere else. Makenzie's Mommy has offered to watch all three of the kids together! What an offer! It would be nice to not need two sitters. It would definitely cut the checking in/debriefing times in half, as well as save precious time on what will already be two very long days.

Anyway, before my robot brain begins permutating all of the calculations involved in planning where they will all go to college in order to be close yet still specialize in their various fields of interest, I will wrap this up by saying that one thing I was not prepared for was the UNPLANNED JOY of watching our sons be such completely devoted foster siblings. I was ready for envy, jealousy and resentment...instead I have witnessed acceptance, devotion and loyalty. Hammy and Moose are fiercely protective older brothers to Tomorrow. I can only hope we are modeling that devotion for all of them. Children learn what they live-- or is it that they live what they learn? I guess it's both. I'm glad this fostering experience has mostly enriched our family and not put too severe of a strain on it. I'm sure fostering has been wildly different for other families. Perhaps our situation has been mostly positive because it has felt like a calling to me and come easy for us? As if it was meant to be.

May we all be less afraid to answer the call of that still small voice inside.

Tomorrow's Update

Princess Tomorrow's First Nap On Her New Daddy

Okay, here goes...

The biggest piece of news I have to share so far is that the judge pretty quickly terminated Princess Tomorrow's bio dads rights the first morning of the trial, because he has not answered any calls or letters from the court, even though he is alleged to have had contact with Tomorrow's bio mom by whom she has two daughters (Tomorrow and her five-year-old sister, Monet). As someone put it, he is "mostly incarcerated". In other words, it's a wonder that he and Tomorrow's bio mom were able to conceive two babies in the time he's been out of jail.

Thus, Tomorrow is currently fatherless according to law, though we all know who her REAL Daddy is: The Best Foster-Adopt Dad Ever A.K.A. The One Wrapped Very Tightly Around Her Little, Brown, Wrinkly, Wiser-Than-Her-Years-Looking Pinky Finger (Which Is Always Painted With Nail Polish, Of Course).

That was a HUGE relief, as it means it's HIGHLY UNLIKELY that the judge would then approve ANY home studies or placements that include extended family in New York. Two have already come out of the woodwork (whereas they often don't until after termination), so that was indeed a very big step.

The Prosecution is obviously making the case for Failure to Protect and Termination of Parental Rights (TPR), perhaps even leading to criminal charges of Child Physical Abuse for one or both parents. In my 'As Fair As Possible' ideal world, all suspects in these kind of child abuse cases would be in jail until they started talking about what happened. This family still isn't talking a year and a half later, and a counselor has testified that the boyfriend or "psychological father" (LMAO) would probably not change his story in twenty years. But I'll delve more deeply into the witnesses and testifying in a bit. Just the facts for right now...

Remember how the County Case Worker from DHS (bless his sweet heart) tried to get the judge to TPR when Tomorrow was one? Because SUPPOSEDLY her case is an Expedited Placement Plan (EPP)? Because as the State Reviewer explained to me in the very first Administrative Review which I did on the phone while swaddling a baby who still had two healing femurs: They like to see EPPs in their permanent home within a year. E.P.P. MY FAT A.S.S. I'm waiting for a pig to fly out of the judge's butt next time. Seems as likely at this point as the juvenile court being able to do their job within such a generous time frame.

Given that there are TWO families involved in this case now-- her biological family and her foster-adopt family (that's us)-- and that Tomorrow is at a crucial phase in her attachment and development, in which she still has many special needs (especially since she was severely abused between two and five weeks of age), would it not be a pretty clear cut case for a judge to rule on? And could he not at least decide her portion of it? The DHS Case Worker has always said, "The Department essentially considers her case to be separate since she was so young when the abuse occurred and was not already dysfunctionally bonded to her bio family." Although she's had visits with them every week for a year. So she now thinks of them as what? A babysitting family? A family play date? A live version of Nitro Circus?

Now, recall how I shared with you above that DHS tried to get the judge to TPR for Tomorrow only when she was one and the judge said they couldn't because it was a *permanency* hearing, and termination could only be decided at TPR hearings. Well, guess what? We have now seen that very same judge terminate parental rights at a quick placement hearing that was right before our trial began. So screw the entire juvenile court and the judge they all rode in on. And yes, I've been swearing A LOT! This is more frustrating even than my own youngest sister's child abuse case (by a babysitter's husband, not anyone in our family, which goes a long way toward explaining why I am a stay-at-home homeschooling mom) and my own so-called criminal case involving marijuana. It's so frustrating because all of the lawyers appear to be in cahoots, they work together every day, and this is just another case to them. They don't appear to care how long it goes on, as long as they have their high heels and their crisp white shirts and their endless lattes...NO ONE has said anything about dragging this case out another two days in another month. I think it's great that the juvenile court does not take TPR lightly, at least not for this family, and I am so glad that the prosecution is calling so many educated and experienced witnesses. But at some point one would think that 24 broken bones at 5 weeks of age would be enough.

We sat through two long days of testimony by expert witnesses for the prosecution with cross examinations by the inexperienced/unprofessional defense attorneys for both parents. The Deputy City Attorney wears the highest heels in the room, she clearly knows her stuff inside and out and has a great deal of experience while looking young (I'd say she's in her early 40s). She speaks very calmly and coolly, and no one can fluster her or get by with an unclear statement on the stand if she is cross-examining. I wouldn't have fretted so much about the trial if someone had bothered to tell me they were going to call EIGHT expert witnesses to testify that Mara and the other girls were indeed abused and neglected. I wish the DHS Case Worker or GAL had told me. I've missed a lot of sleep lately.

The experts who have testified thus far include: a Child Abuse Specialist/Pediatrician from Children's Hospital who was on duty when Mara was brought in, a Psychologist with a PhD in Parent-Child Interactions (not infarctions or infractions as the bio mom's attorney kept saying!), and a Renaissance counselor with a BS in Engineering, Master's in some fine art and PhD in Clinical Pastoral Counseling (who was thought to be the one person who could get through to the man we refer to as "Denver Daddy" who had initially been in jail for the abuse). Also, at the very end of the first day we heard from a woman who heads up The Resource Center in Denver and works with sex offenders *and* victims of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) including former gang members and those court-ordered to attend Perp training. She continued her testimony on the second day, but it was broken up by testimony by two other counselors who have worked with Tomorrow's full sister at The Kemp Center where she attends a special preschool program and gets counseling once a week, so her testimony was a bit broken up and maybe not as powerful because of the interruptions. Otherwise, she had a great deal to contribute to the record, including some very disturbing testimony that the oldest teenager saw the boyfriend/common law husband shake and strike Princess Tomorrow, and once heard her crying out loudly in a locked room but her "dad" would not let her in. Tomorrow's sister Monet who is five is very confused about who is her father, she seems to think she has two fathers but is not sure which one is "the real one" and has stated that "I don't have a mom anymore because I was bad, and I did something bad at a visit, too," but she won't say what she did, "because my mom can do things." She does not believe that any adult caregivers can take care of her or anyone else for that matter, so she feels like she has to take care of everyone. She may very well have been left alone with the newborn baby, at least for periods of time much longer than any sane parent would have allowed. E.g. Bio mom going out to a club to continue her "partying lifestyle" she had in New York as opposed to just going to pee in the next room realquicklike while baby is asleep.

The biggest issue for Monet (which yes, does have to do with Tomorrow's case) is that she's suffering with severe PTSD from seeing her dads engage in a physical fight that was very violent. The child is being treated with medications that seem inappropriate or strong for a five year old. I know I have only a Bachelor's degree in Psychology, but I do have extensive experience in medication administration in the residential social services setting and with young adults with developmental disabilities and mental illness including Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depressive Episodes. All with or without PTSD, and once with Autism. So, I have a general idea of what is appropriate for a girl as young as Monet (LOTS OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and a very generous dose of individual, group and play therapy including art, dolls and music). It just doesn't seem right for her to be on two really strong meds (Prozac and Clonadin, and both increased recently when her counselor went on maternity leave).
I have heard of her not being allowed to get out of her bed until the foster mother allows her to do so, not even to play quietly in her room, and she has spoken about not being able to eat breakfast when she is hungry. So I am left to guess that the medication is being used as a sort of chemical restraint. It's so convenient for so many parents to medicate their children in order to deal with their behaviors. And I think it's inhumane, but it is rampant in our society. Just look at all the kids with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder). Call me Tom Cruise if it helps you feel better, I could care less to speak the truth.

But I digress...the point is that Monet is not doing well in her current placement (her third foster home in 18 months) and this is what I think led her mom to ask me in the bathroom after the first full day of court if I would take Monet if/when the judge terminates her parental rights. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT: Mara's mom asked me if I would also take Mara's 5 y.o. sister Monet. YES, THE ONE I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HAVE OVER FOR A PLAY DATE OR DINNER PARTY FOR A YEAR. And yes, as I told her mom almost instantly, it would be my honor to adopt Monet. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks to us. Mike and I have already discussed this at length for about a year now. If a large family isn't for you, that's fine-- but please understand that helping to keep two bio siblings together who would otherwise be separated through foster care placement IS something we ARE prepared to do. In other words, it is NOT something we are willing to REGRET. We have always said we wanted to adopt a sister for Monet later-- who better than her own biological sister? It would also ensure that every one in the original family was in a permanent home with at least one biological family member. The bio mom's mom (who is really her aunt) or "Grandma" says she will take the 8 y.o. sister but she does not feel like she can handle both the 5 and 8 year olds. WE KNOW all Monet needs is a whole lot of unconditional love. We are confident that our home has the consistency, fun, intellectual stimulation, limits, love, safety, and structure that Monet needs to thrive (not to mention the CAM she needs to recover from her PTSD).

Anyway, back to the courtroom. It would take me 14 hours to tell what happened in 2 days of court, but since I'm not a Court Reporter I won't do that. I don't even know if it's legal for me to share what I have already, but I am assuming since only the expert witnesses were sequestered and anyone could sit through the proceedings in the courtroom (and a CASA did the first day), it's basically public record.

What we are hearing about is a history of parent:child and child:child incest (not surprisingly, right?) including a history of incest for both parents, plus some major abandonment issues for both parents" (bio mom's mom was a "crack whore" and she was separated from her 7 siblings in a foster care kinship placement with an aunt who later married her uncle ("step father") and another uncle-- both men molested her and she only recently began dealing with her own herstory of incest/molestation/rape; the boyfriend/dad's mom died when he was eight and he was also raised by family members, plus he suffered from kidney failure and could no longer work, leaving him a stay-at-home parent raising bio mom's "affair babies") and a clear pattern of neglect, abuse and domestic violence in the home.

It's so terribly sad and I have never cried so much in a courtroom. Like I said, not even that much when S.J.'s abuser was convicted nor when I was convicted with a felony at age nineteen with my Public Defender who didn't even know how to tie his own tie and a few family members speaking for me.

This is all I can write right now, it's time to get ready for an Easter party/family reunion with egg hunt. Tomorrow is done napping and we need to quickly bathe/shower and get dressed up all Easter-y and stuff. BLECH! I officially loathe Easter this year. I was hoping that Good Friday would have resulted in TPR. Not that it would be something to *celebrate* since it is basically like a death in the biological family (which is why I wore black both days and no makeup), but I will be sorrowfully grateful when this is all said and done and Tomorrow and Monet are legally our daughters.

P.S. We will return to court on May 15 and 27.

P.P.S. I may post more gory details of the case as I learn them but I believe it only serves to keep my blog in private mode forever, so one day I may just delete this post entirely. It is in the court record, to which we will now have access.


Taking Tomorrow Home With Sugar Skulls

Trial Today

Starts @ 9 a.m. We don't know when it ends. With a second day scheduled for trial, if needed, on Friday.

Aunt Jen and Wil spent the night last night and Jen will be watching all the boys at our home. Mara is going to stay at my friend Pam's house. She used to be a foster parent and licensed daycare provider, and has three sons and a daughter with special needs. Her boys will be in school so Mara will enjoy a play day with Makenzie. We met them at our swimming pool last Summer and hit it off right away. I have been promising Pam I will do some bodywork with Makenzie, and now I will owe her a big one! I told her I will give her a massage, too. She really needs some relaxation. She's been through a great deal with her daughter who choked on a goldfish cracker and suffered brain damage while deprived of oxygen. Pam works tirelessly to seek out every treatment known to womankind for her daughter, including physical therapy, OT, myofascial release, rolfing, hyperbaric oxygen chamber therapy and something about a "neuro suit" LOL-- they're going to California this Summer for three weeks of some kind of therapy I've never even heard of, so she tries everything. She is a Warrior Mother, fiercely protective of her children, and about as paranoid as I am, so I trust her completely with Mara.

I was thinking last night how Mike and I rarely leave all of the children with anyone, and usually only genetic relatives! And the first time we really left Liam with anyone for any length of time (beyond a golf cart ride or a swim on the premises of Two County Ranch) was for our Birthing From Within classes when we were pregnant with Seamus. We have left them with Nana many times to go out to dinner, but it's rare for us to do anything like this. We've only left Mara with someone else who wasn't family once. A friend who is a foster-adoptive parent through our agency watched her while we went out to dinner with the boys for Mike's birthday. It's time for us to start learning how to trust her in someone else's care so we can go out to dinner and a movie sometime. And I think it's hilarious that I need TWO sitters to do what I do every day, but it's also good to have childcare arrangements that we feel good about so we can focus on the trial and whatever comes of it.

We're not sure if we will be asked to speak today or even called on to testify, but I'm anxious about seeing the whole family and hearing their side of the story again all in one piece. I've heard bits and pieces here and there and it has never added up so I am half expecting today to be a bit discombobulating, and will probably need to de-stress afterwards. I think I will get Chinese chair massage at the mall.

THANK YOU all again for your support on this journey. Apparently, it's nowhere near over yet but it is certainly about to take a clear detour one way or the other. We can only hope it goes our way.

I will post an update here and on Facebook as soon as I get home (within reason) or activate the family phone tree!

I'll turn it over to my Higher Power now.

NAMASTE

From 2 Dawgees To 1 Chitty

Mara is obsessed with our new (rescued) cat, Magpie O'Feelia Fee.

I haven't blogged about Feenix being gone yet because I'm still grieving the loss and struggling with regret over relinquishing him to the Denver Dumb Friends League. In a nutshell: he was getting out of our yard several times a day, and the last time was lying in the street. We're pretty sure he had been hit by a car once before-- the vet said his injuries were consistent with being hit on one rear leg (probably while trying not to get hit) and we didn't want him to get hit by a car again-- or worse, for one of our kids to end up getting hit. Hammy would run after him and Feebee when they got out, trying to catch them, and once he started across the street without even looking for cars he was so worried about the dogs. Mike tried everything short of an electric fence to keep them in (we tried an electric fence in Utah with Feenix and Laddie and it didn't work). So, we decided it was best to find him a new home.

When Mike and Hammy took Feenix to the (no kill) Buddy Center, they came back with a big black cat named Magpie! Mara was obsessed with kittens *before* Magpie came to live with us, and now the obsession is a reality, not just a book called I Love Kittens that she asks me to read every morning, noon and night. The cat hid under our bed and then my dresser when we took our bed off it's frame. Then we flushed her out of my room and she hid under the boys bunk bed for a week. Finally, we got her out of their room and she has been hanging out in the family room ever since. She sleeps in a wicker file folder basket with a baby blanket in it. The blanket came with a pair of Mara's jammies; it's red and plush with a kitten embroidered on it and it says "Purr-fect!" When I was looking for a blanket to put in the basket, Mara picked that one up off the couch and handed it to me. She's such a smart little girl!

Mike installed a four-level climbing tree in the family room for Magpie to climb on and she climbs it up to the top of a cabinet where we keep her food and water dish. Mara watches that area like it's television! Magpie does entertain us with her yarn play and rolling around after playing with her catnip-laced toys, but like most cats she sleeps a good part of the day.

Mara asks me "Where Mag?" about twenty times a day, which became tiresome by about the second day. I don't even know how to describe the sound she makes whenever she sees the cat. It is a combination of cooing and squealing that she reserves for babies and kittens (it's so nice to have another female of the species around!) I will have to try and capture the coo/squeal on video.

Until then, some pix of Mara's kitten...

How many times a day can I say The Serenity Prayer?

I imagine at least a hundred. I'll let you know!

I meant to blog yesterday-- "One week until the TPR hearing"-- but I was too busy being frantic on Facebook and the phone with my sister and spouse and the Guardian ad litem's poor Legal Assistant...LOL.

Luckily, I received 30 free CDs that I had coming from BMG so now I have music to rip and burn to my MP3 player while Princess Tomorrow is napping today (A.K.A. Music Therapy).

Princess Tomorrow has so many words in her vocabulary now. I attempted to list them all in her baby book and stopped at fifty because for her age she ought to have three or four words, LOL! Her pediatrician at Children's Hospital is always impressed with her developmentally and physically, and she was really surprised at how much she is babbling. The funniest word so far: she was calling the cat "titty"-- but today she is saying "chitty"! Even funnier!

These days, Princess Tomorrow is more angelic and cute as ever-- why?! It must be that I am paying so much attention to her, and writing every precious moment on my heart. She seems to know when I need a hug. Hammy says we are psychic like E.T. and Elliot were. When I'm feeling all misty, and get lost in wondering "If", she always seems to come up right then and hug me around the neck and says, "I, i, i"-- that is how she sings the beginning of the Barney show theme song.

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me, too?"

Did I ever blog about how when she's watching Barney (much to my chagrin) and the Barney theme song starts up, she has to run to me in the kitchen, or her brothers if they are in the playroom with her, and give us a great big hug and kiss? It is the.cutest.thing.ever.in.our.home and *almost* makes the sound of Barney bearable.




Okay, back to witnessing the moment to moment joy of her and the boys, focusing on each breath, and NOT getting sucked into reading other foster parent's stories online!

Our story is unique.