And Foster Baby Makes Six?

It sounds like crazy making, and it is!

Today we did our annual update to renew our therapeutic foster family license so we are still an open home for a baby or child in foster care. And all I would have to do is call the Placement Coordinator at Ariel and tell her we want to go on the openings list if we decided we want to open our home to another baby or child in foster care. (Like say, for instance, a sister for Tomorrow.)

I had texted the Placement Coordinator, "Rochelle", that I didn't want to renew our license -- I have my hands full with raising up the three kids we have, especially with Tomorrow starting homepreschool this year --but of course she called me and in her sweet little voice somehow talked me into staying licensed. She told me about another family we know that thought they were done (they've adopted three or four kids from foster care) and then had a change of heart and decided a few months later that they wanted to adopt another child from foster care. They're in the process of re-applying and they have to do EVERYTHING over again. Like I said, we know the family -- they also homeschool, and we cared for a three-month-old baby boy one weekend that they ended up adopting -- and if they could change their mind I know we could, too.

In my heart of hearts, I don't feel that our family is complete. Mike and I have talked a lot about having two boys and two girls, with the utopian vision that it would bring more balance or symmetry to the siblings. Our thinking is that each child would have a sister (or two) and a brother (or two); and, theoretically, there would be no middle child (or two of them?!) and every one would always have a buddy. You know, for amusement park rides and boarding Noah's Ark and other such important life events.

No but seriously, while she tries her darnedest to keep up with her big brothers, Tomorrow is often left out of activities that the boys engage in for which she's deemed too young to do. Or, more often than not, she simply wants to do things that they don't enjoy, such as dancing ballet and playing with dolls. She has told us herself that she wants a sister who will play in her room with her. When she recently saw her baby cousin from Missouri who is a girl, she told me "I wan one uh doze bay-bee gulls, Momma." Even the boys have said they wish we could have another baby *if* it is a girl. Mike can hardly stand to hold babies he wants another one so badly. And I won't lie, I've got baby fever something awful with a ticking biological time bomb about to go off.

Someday, when I'm ready, I may make that call to Rochelle. I've given away all the baby clothes and cloth diapers, so I'd have to start all over again, but I have the basics that every baby needs: tireless arms for holding, a mei tai for babywearing, and a penchant for singing lullabies.

You may think I'm crazy for even thinking about having another child, and you're right.

I'm crazy about babies and children.

Tomorrow is ours forever.

Of course I meant to blog on the day we adopted our daughter. Yet somehow, after two years, eight months and five days of fighting, hoping, and praying that she would be able to officially become a part of our family, once she did it just felt like the most natural thing in the world.

It was as if the last piece of a very difficult and frustrating puzzle was placed. It's always easy, effortless really, to stick in the last piece of a puzzle. It's those very first pieces that are challenging, when all you have is a picture of how the finished puzzle will look. Individual pieces can look so strange by themselves. Sometimes it can seem as if they don't even belong. But once you get going -- perhaps by first finding the four corners and then doing all of the edge pieces -- you can watch as the picture begins to fill in.

June 16, 2010 was a great day. I woke up to my daughter giving me hugs and kisses and talking about our wedding. When we first told her about adopting her, she asked me if she was getting married to Daddy. I started to correct her, but decided it was cute that she thought she was getting married. We told her she was getting married to Daddy and Mommy, and her brothers, whom she refers to as her "guys".

Tomorrow knew that Wednesday was going to be a very special day as we had been talking about it the week leading up to it. The day before, she became very excited with all of the talk of "tomorrow". We would say, "WOW! We are getting married TOMORROW!" Or "I can't believe we are FINALLY going to be adopting you tomorrow!" and she would smile this incredibly sweet smile and bat her eyelashes and say something like "I know" or "I marry Nick? I marry Maggie, too?" (She persistently asked to marry my friend Nick and the cat, and to bring the cat to the wedding.)

Since the hearing wasn't until three, my sister and her husband and my nephew came to our house for lunch first. My sweet sister brought a plant for me, a gift for Tomorrow, a card, a CD she had made, toe "wedding" rings for all of us and bubbles to blow after the hearing. She is so very thoughtful and I was very grateful that she and her family was able to be present with us that day. They have been closer to Tomorrow than any other family members, and it meant a lot to all of us to have them there. Also, my sister read a poem which I will paste below later.

So after the busy-ness of getting three kids and two adults ready, plus lunch and a skipped nap for Tomorrow, we headed to the city. It was really warm in Denver. We arrived early at the courthouse in the City and County Building. It was nerve-wracking waiting for it to be our turn. I was glad that we were able to have the hearing in the same courtroom with the same judge who ordered the termination of her parental rights, making it possible for us to adopt her. I told the judge afterward that I really felt like it brought a complete closure for us to adopt her in the same physical space where I had shed so many tears (upon hearing so many sad stories of Tomorrow and her sister's and biological parent's lives). In the courtroom where one family was sadly dissolved, another family was joyfully created. That was more than just a formality.

I believe we can request a formal record of Tomorrow's adoption, including the full court transcript, but for now I have photos and videos taken by my friend Nick. It was a short and light-hearted hearing. The judge asked everyone present to introduce ourselves. Then he had all of us stand and take an oath to tell the whole truth. After that the professionals spoke on the record, saying that they thought it was a good placement and that Tomorrow should be adopted by us. The judge asked Mike and I if we were prepared to take on the full responsibility of raising Tomorrow, including teaching her to drive, helping her find a church, and paying for her college. We both agreed to accept that responsibility.

At this point the judge included Tomorrow's brothers in the hearing by asking them if they wanted to adopt her. Thankfully, they both said they did. He said becoming a brother was a big responsibility and that their responsibility was to drive their sister crazy. Then he said that it was her responsibility to drive them crazy. (I could've done without this portion of the hearing!)

Next, the judge asked the boys if there was anything they didn't like to eat. Moose immediately answered "pickles". The judge clarified that he had said pickles, and Moose nodded and added "And mustard." The judge asked Hammy what he didn't like to eat, and he also said pickles. So the judge ordered that for one week the boys did not have to eat pickles or mustard. They got a kick out of that, and they have both made sure that we kept to it.

Finally, the judge asked if there was anything else we wanted to say, and my sister read a poem to our family. I've shared part of it here before, but here it is in its entirety:

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

But seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

As living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

And He bends you with His might

That His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

So He loves also the bow that is stable.

That was a really appropriate poem for that day, and I am so happy that it's part of the court record of Tomorrow's adoption! I cannot express how much it meant to me that my sister was not only there, but willing to stand up and read a poem to our family on our "wedding day".

That was pretty much the whole of the ceremony. We had said we were going to write vows to exchange with Tomorrow, but we didn't. We had hoped that many more family members and friends would have been able to attend, but they weren't. Present that day were: Mike and I, Hammy, Moose, Tomorrow, Uncle B, Aunt J, Cousin W, Pediatrician Dr. Kiki, Clinical Case Manager Michelle, Adoption Worker Donna, and Nick. It was short and sweet, and when it was over we went outside and had hugs and took photos and blew bubbles in the parking lot.

In short, the day was nothing like I had thought it would be, and so much better.

It ended with me singing Little Star by Madonna:

Never forget who you are

Little star

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

God gave a present to me

Made of flesh and bones

My life, My soul

You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are

Little star

Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

Never forget where you came from

From love

You are a treasure to me

You are my star

You breathe

New life

Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are

Little star

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

May the angels protect you

And sadness forget you

Little star

There's no reason to weep

Lay your head down to sleep

Little star

May goodness surround you

My love

I have found you

Little star

Shining bright

And also My Darling Child by Sinead O' Connor:

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
You came and saved me

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
God gave you to me

Me little ninja
Me little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me lovely grrl
Me lovely babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy
Me little wolf
Me little lamby
My favourite girl
My angel babby
Me love me grrl
Me love me babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy

My darling child

My darling baby

My darling child

You gave life to me

And then I tucked in our precious little girl, in her beautiful princess bed, for the first night of the rest of our lives together. It was just like any other night really, which is why it was perfect.

Ten Days Til Forever!

Only ten days and a wake-up until Princess Tomorrow is officially our daughter! After all this time (over two and a half years), it seems so surreal but not at all anti-climactic.

I feel lighter every time I don't have to reschedule a home visit with an adoption worker or case manager, and realize that after June 16 we can travel out of state without permission. I know these are little details, but when they are all piled up being a foster parent can feel more like being an arm of the state than a parent.

I know many other little things will change for the better, but the biggest thing that will change is that Tomorrow will be OURS. She will belong to US! I don't care anymore if that sounds like we think we own her. SHE WILL FINALLY BE A MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY. She will have our last name. She will be Hammy and Moose's little sister, and the grand-daughter of six loving grandparents. Most children are born into these relationships, hers have been hard-won.

And in the end, it will have been worth every single hassle and all the days we learned to take as they came. Thank you for holding space for me on those days when I angrily fought the process. Thank you for encouraging and supporting me, reminding me that it would be worth it and that one day she would be safe with us forever. You were right, and I learned to let go A LOT and trust a little more.

Now, back to searching online for a dress I can wear to the ceremony. I've already found the perfect pink taffeta dress for Tomorrow!

Writing Down The Bones

I have officially begun writing the book about our journey toward adopting Tomorrow. Initially I thought I would call it Fostering Tomorrow, so that fostering would be in the title. Now, I am almost certain that the title will be Adopting Tomorrow. There can always be a subtitle to explain that it is about foster-adoption. I like the sound of Adopting Tomorrow, and the fact that it is a play on words since I have used Tomorrow as a nickname for our daughter in my blog.

I almost put Adopting Tomorrow as the title of this blog, but I thought if someone saw it in their Inbox or something they might get way too excited, thinking it was an email about how we are *adopting tomorrow*! Writing Down The Bones is also one of my favorite books by one of my favorite writers, Natalie Goldman, who essentially taught me how to write the way that I do, through her workshops and her writings. Long Quiet Highway is another one of her books that is excellent, especially if one is a writer. I guess books about writers for writers is a pretty tight market, but it works!

So I have a question for you, my dearest readers, and it may take me a few sentences to get to it so please be patient. As I embarked on writing this book, I have to say that the most difficult task so far was simple beginning the first chapter. This is not to say that writing the first chapter was hard, because it wrote itself really, once I let go and let it flow through me. What was difficult was just *starting* it. Where to begin? And how to explain what the book is going to be about without giving away the entire story and leaving the reader no reason to keep reading?

Which just made me think of something! If the title is *Adopting* Tomorrow, the reader knows we already adopted her. They may still be somewhat interested in how the story unfolds, but for the most part the question that has been paramount in *my* mind for going on a third year now has been: Will we be able to adopt her? And of course, when? Perhaps I will use the title Fostering Tomorrow after all. Definitely thought for food.

Anyway, back to the question (see I told you it'd take me a while to get to it!): Would you read a book that was basically just this blog in the chronological order, with some notes here and there in between entries, to fill in any missing pieces?

My niece recently self-published a book about homeschooling, and it is essentially a blog of her experience going to public school for some classes after being homeschooled her whole life. I enjoyed the format, but I enjoy blogging and reading blogs. I'm not sure that the style would appeal to everyone. But of course, that would be the case no matter what style I decided to use so I guess what I should do is make sure that whatever writing style I go with is one that feels right to me.

I definitely want to write in the first person, and cannot imagine telling this particular story any other way. I am the one who has been the blogger, medical records-keeper, note-taker, photographer, slam poet and story-teller of this little girl's life. Which is not to say that others have not been involved, as so many people have been very involved in her story (and in rewriting it). All I mean is that I am the one who has the tale to tell -- though it is not my tale -- and I tell it for her, for kids like her, and for the parents like me who will read it, too.

In summary, my question to you who may read it is this: Should I write my book as... 1.) A blog in book form, composed solely of blog entries that are here and nothing more (which is already written); 2.) Part blog, part story; or, 3.) A story, told in chapter form with quotes added here and there.

Please vote early and vote often!
As always, thanks in advance.

Another Update. NO REALLY.

Update: Our case is "moving right along" and "right where it should be" according to the Adoption Worker (and I know those phrases are kinda contradictory, but I just smiled).

Our case is now officially in Legal Review (yet another process, bear with us): This means that a team of crack lawyers (lawyers who can't actually practice law anymore because they did too much crack in law school) are reviewing our case, to make sure the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted. No but seriously folks, this is a very good thing. It is THE final hurdle (she types for the third time about a third process) and perhaps the most important one in the overall goal of Foster-Adoption. Legal Review will ensure that no one can come back later and say that the case was mishandled or rushed, so Princess Tomorrow will grow up safe and sound in the protection of our loving family, forever and ever, amen.

Meanwhile, it turns out *I* have dropped the proverbial ball. Yes, that's right me, Pushy Momma, who is all-ways on everyone's backs making sure they are all up on their jobs. My husband (who I live with and see every single day) apparently emailed me some time ago asking me for three references who are not relatives, who have known me for a year, and would be willing to be called as a character reference for our adoption (and the sad truth is that they will most likely never call you). I have yet to gather that information but I am on it now like white on rice! (ANY VOLUNTEERS? If not, I will draft three of you...probably Heather F, Jessica P, and Kristie M. Consider yourselves warned.)

Love to all.

First Trip to the Dentist!

Tomorrow went to the dentist for the first time last week. Our licensing agency had told us she did not have to go to the dentist formally until she was three, but then we got a letter from the County saying she had to have an appointment scheduled by February 20. I found out that was because her sister Monee's teeth are rotting out of her head. Several have had to be pulled.

Our family dentist had looked at Tomorrow's gums and then teeth for me a couple of times, but he does not accept Medicaid-- so until she is adopted and on our insurance, she will have to go elsewhere for dental care. It was a real challenge to find a dentist that would see patients under the age of five *and* that took Medicaid, but I finally found Comfort Kids through Comfort Dental. They have the right equipment for children, kid-friendly offices, and offer evening and weekend appointments. Who knows, we may even end up going there with our whole family.

So Mike took Tomorrow to the dentist bright and early on a Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. and he said she was a perfect angel. She did not want to get into the dentist's chair (Mike thinks she was afraid of the lights and other equipment) but they just said that a lot of kids are that way, and had a way to get around it: she sat on Daddy's lap and then laid back into the lap of the dentist for the exam. We were very pleased that she did not have any cavities, and the dentist wrote on the evaluation form for the County: "Parents have a good understanding of oral hygiene." That's always nice, after the wrangling of kids at teeth-brushing time! We are religious about brushing teeth in our home, and kids who do not want to brush their teeth get held by one parent while the other parent brushes their teeth for them (after we have exhausted positive techniques and downright bribes of course). It turns out that good dental hygiene and oral health have a lot to do with your general health, so we take it very seriously around here!

AGAIN WITH THE TAX FRAUD!

So once again this year someone else claimed Tomorrow (and her other two sisters who are in foster care) as a dependent! According to her birth mom, it was her "godmother" who offered to split the money with her. But seriously, how would the godmother come up with that idea or get the social security number to do it without birth mom's involvement. I WAS NOT BORN YESTERDAY. THIS IS NOT MY FIRST RODEO.

The first year that birth mom claimed Tomorrow (and her other sisters who were in foster care), I thought it was an innocent/ignorant mistake. There was a bit of a gray area. Tomorrow was born August 30 and placed into foster care on October 10. According to the I.R.S., because she was in our custody for a longer period of time that year, we were eligible to claim her...but we let it go.

THe next year, mom claimed them AGAIN! That time we were miffed. SHe knew better. The girls were in foster care THE ENTIRE CALENDAR YEAR. There was no grey area, no excuse. So we got proof of her placement with us from the County, filed the amendment, and figured birth mom was penalized in some way that would prevent her from trying to claim them again.

But apparently, the penalty is not severe enough. She thought of another way to get around the law. Did she think we wouldn't try to claim Tomorrow? She is in our custody! We provide her room, board, food, clothes (and training pants, princess dresses, coats, boots, shoes, ballet slippers, sippy cups, coloring books and crayons, puzzles, games, dolls, books...)

When Mike told me our claim was rejected because someone had already claimed Tomorrow, I was SO ANGRY. Then OUTRAGED. Now, I am just DISGUSTED. Once again, we had to get proof that she was in our custody THE ENTIRE YEAR and file an amended return. We now have to file by mail rather than online so it will take months rather than weeks to get our refund. Mike always files as soon as humanly possible, so we are usually spending our return by now. In fact, when he submitted our return, it was in the queue two days before the I.R.S. was accepting returns. So I think the person who claimed Tomorrow as a dependent knew damn good and well that they had to beat us to it, and/or used a professional tax filing service.

I just can't believe how despicable some people are. I know I probably should not be surprised compared to all of the other more horrendous things this woman has done or condoned, but the the fact she continues to disrespect the fact that WE ARE TOMORROW'S FAMILY NOW, has completely ruined any chance of me staying in touch with her. I have severed our email and text relationship-- and thankfully, I never gave her our address (home nor P.O. box) because I want nothing to do with her. She's a criminal and a liar, and she cannot be trusted.

A call for comments!

With the book I'm writing in mind, I do want to ask you, my readers: Do you think that my blog puts foster care and/or foster-adoption in a negative light? Has our experience changed your perception of foster care or foster-adoption? And if so, how? Please be honest. This blog has been an outlet for a lot of my venting and was never intended to promote foster-adoption; but before I put out a book, I want to make sure that my intentions are good and my message is clear.

Thank you in advance for any comments. Please make them here if they aren't too personal as it helps me to have all of my material in one place. In fact, toward that end I will be adding some diary/journal entries from some journals I kept apart from this blog. I'm hoping to be able to format them so that they fit right into the timeline where I really wrote them. I'm pretty sure you can do that with blogger (adjust the dates on blogs).

First Blog of the New Year?!

Apparently I have not blogged here since DECEMBER 15. The holidays really threw me off my game, and then January just BLEW by! So I will catch this thing up a bit and go from there.

After my last entry, there was the HOLIDAZE. We celebrated the Solstice again this year. That is when Santa visited our home this year since we were going to be away for Christmas. The kids were really flexible with me emailing Santa and asking if we can move his visit up. Go figure.

Santa brought Princess Tomorrow her first pair of ballet slippers! **insert pic of ballet slippers here** (and I just realized I have not yet uploaded those photos to the laptop) This year there was less quantity of gifts and more quality, which appeared to suit the kids just fine. Tomorrow's brothers both got the instruments they had asked for, a guitar and a lap harp. So Hammy handed his guitar down to Moose, and Moose handed his glockenspiel down to Tomorrow. It was a very moving and precious moment that made me feel really proud to be their mother.

We tried to beat a blizzard out of town the week of Christmas but it caught up to us in Kansas. The weather was just horrible, and I really regretted that I didn't listen to my husband when he said we should just call the trip off or go after the storm passed. We were very fortunate that we did not go off the highway as many others did. We drove very slowly at times, and the kids were absolute angels. We drove much longer than we wanted to because we thought if we stopped for the night there was a chance we would get stuck wherever we stopped. So we drove as long as we could and finally stopped at 3 a.m. to spend the night in Hays, Kansas. Our van was covered in ice on one side! We finally arrived in Kansas City the next day, and so did the weather.

We got snowed in at my aunt and uncle's house on Christmas Eve! It would have been fun had we not stayed up so late and if the kids hadn't been so eager to get back to Grandpa's house where we were staying. They had been so looking forward to waking up at Grandpa's house on Christmas morning, and when we told them we couldn't make it because our windshield wipers stopped working, they cried so much that *I* started crying! It was a hard day's night.

Our Missouri trip was a comedy of errors, but taught us some important lessons. The biggest one is NOT TO TRY TO BEAT BLIZZARDS BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS WIN! I learned not to push my will with regard to travel. When God and/or Mother Nature tried to keep us at home and we decided to hit the road anyway, we were just asking for trouble. I had a nagging feeling about taking the van, but the SUV-- designed for Winter weather-- was having defrost problems so wasn't safe for visibility. Used cars are fine for local errands and outings but not for road trips.

Also, we will be staying home for the holidays from now on. Or, in Mike's words: "We will not be going to Missouri for Christmas until we can afford to fly, stay in a hotel and rent a car." And I gave that declaration a great big AMEN. Also, Christmastime in Kansas City is all go here, go there, and never stay anywhere long enough to relax. We would much rather enjoy a rejuvenating four-day weekend at home instead of a week plus of sleep-deprived travel with three kids-- and visit family in Missouri at a time that is less stressful (and warmer).

Mike gets ten days off a year now-- plus all of the federal holidays which make for some three day weekends here and there-- but we keep on using his annual vacation leave to go to Missouri (actually, we went to MO twice last year) and that is just not happening again this year.

Meanwhile, the family traditions that we've started at home are far too meaningful to forego: baking cookies and taking them to our favorite neighbors, going to church, seeing the City County Building lights turned on, waking up at home on Christmas Day. Moose said we got "ripped off" and Hammy must have said three times, "It was nice to go to Christmas but I wish we would have stayed home."

Of course, we always want to see our family in Missouri, but the holidays tend to be such a stressful time for everyone and dicey when it comes to getting out of Colorado on time. So it's a good time to visit, because everyone will be getting together-- but it's kind of a bad time to visit, because everyone will be getting together! Funny how that works. With the rushing here and there, one is never able to be in the moment and just BE with family. There's a timetable to each day, including a two-year-old's nap, and that's just not how a vacation is supposed to be.

The highlight of our trip was absolutely holding the bundle of joy that was my new niece Norah. Being able to see her just a week and a half old was such a blessing that we will always cherish. I don't have permission to post any pix of her here so I won't, but rest assured she is ADORABLE. My youngest sister had a homebirth at my mom's place and we missed the family while they were recuperating there, but we stayed close to where they live so we could visit without causing the tired new mom of two to have to drive to see us with a newborn and a toddler.

We had a very nice stay for a couple of nights at The Keeter Center on the campus of the College of the Ozarks. The boys thoroughly enjoyed the turn-down service with cookies and milk, and we all benefitted from getting caught up on our sleep and just hanging out and relaxing a bit.

We were so glad to get back home in January that we didn't go anywhere for about a week! We returned to find our new male kitten being lovingly mothered by our female cat. They groom each other and sleep together now. Our kid sitter who watched the cats, house and mail for us said that every day when she came over, the cats had gotten into something else...the cereal dispenser on the counter, the Wii remotes, magazines, and other things I can't recall now that they never mess with when we are here. She said it was as if little kids were home alone.

We took care of a three-month-old baby boy for two weeks in January, and all of us now agree that while we love babies and they are very cute and nice to hold, we do not really want to have another one! The kids were really sweet with the baby-- even Mara was loving and not jealous at all-- but the sheer reality of parenting four children was just completely overwhelming. We managed it one day at a time, and it only worked because Mike is a big help around the house. But now I definitely understand why my friends who have four children have had such messy homes at times (you know who you are and I love you): because they like to sleep and shower!

Speaking of sleep...this is dragging on far too long and my bed is calling me. There is so much more that I want to blog about, but I've begun writing my book and that tends to get most of my "free time". (As does Facebook-- yes, I admit it. I can access it from my phone and I have SMS Subscriptions to the posts of my closest friends, so I can socialize on my terms and at any hour while the kids are eating, playing, riding bikes or sleeping. You have your addictions, too.)