A few more steps...

1) I made the corrections to our homestudy (12 major errors, too many typos to count, two pages in all) and signed the new Certified copy last Tuesday.

2) The Adoption Laison and Adoption worker came over last Thursday for the Presentation of the child (which really ought to have its own blog it was so great)

3) Today, I got an email with an Adoption Application attached, and I forwarded to Mike. Then he proceeded to improve the form so that he can type into it and then email it back! We will likely fill it out and return it so fast their heads will spin.

So, we're still waiting on something called the Subsidy Packet, which we will also fill out and return in record time.

The thing is that I thought perhaps we were moving quickly toward a year-end or first-of-the-year Hearing, but the Laison said "It will probably be about three more months at this point." Yet another waiting period. You all know how I feel about that by now, so need to flog a dead blog.

Is anyone even reading this anymore? Not that it matters, because it makes a great dairy/journal/writer's guidebook...but just curious.

Anything you'd like to know? Not know? See? if you were reading this as a book, what have I not discussed or touched on that you wish you knew more about?

Also, please let me know if any of you would be willing to read (and especially, to PROOFread) first drafts of my book. I will be self-publishing it.

Thanks in advance for your time, thoughts and ideas.

The Latest Bureaucratic B.S.

I don't want to get my big girl panties all in a bunch today, but I do want to blog about "where we are" (social workers love to use that phrase) in the adoption process...for my book if nothing else. I will often post in my Facebook Status Updates about the daily happenings, but I don't want to neglect to come here and flesh it out a bit before I forget all of the inane details of the bureaucratic purgatory in which we've found ourselves.

We had a Team Decision-Making, or TDM, meeting here at our home last month. Present were Mike and I, the kids, our Ariel Case Manager Michelle and the Adoption Worker Donna. It was a caomedy of errors with the Adoption Worker telling us all abouthte adoption process and what she has "just found out" that she has to do: The Presentation of the Child. This is a meeting in which she will present to us the child's history, including abuse/neglect, foster placement(s) and the long-term financial, medical, physical and social needs of the child including any referrals for therapy.

Can you imagine a relative stranger telling you all about your two-year-old's infancy and the current as well as future needs (which you have already thoroughly considered)? And this is yet another meeting that can be postponed, especially because it is on their turf. I don't know if kids are welcome but we plan on bringing all three of ours just to liven things up. Ought to be funny.

Anyway, back to the meeting. The topic that we spent the most time discussing at the TDM meeting was our Home Study. The Case Manager from Ariel had brought a copy for us to read and sign. Mike read it, laughing out loud at one point*, and then signed it. But when it came my turn to read it, I was astonished at how many factual errors were contained in the first paragraph about me alone, so I refused to sign it (and asked who I ought to speak with about the fact that it was so inaccurate and poorly written on top of that). So now, another meeting this Friday. I LOATHE how they like to have meetings about every.little.thing. Why couldn't I simply submit my issues with the home study in writing? I've just this moment decided I will, and I am going to tell them I am not going to drive an hour in traffic Friday morning with my three children for *their* incompetency. Their mistakes should not inconvenience us.

*What Mike had laughed out loud about was that the person who wrote the homestudy wrote, "Michael's father has decreased his drinking." And you could say that he's decreased his drinking, since he is DEAD.

I'm so riled up about this right now that I can't blog about it any further. I took detailed notes while reading the home study, because we are not allowed to have a copy, so I have a written list of the numerous errors (I stopped at two pages). I'l share them here when I've been able to put enough distance and/or time between myself and the gross errors to calmly type!

Today was supposed to be our big day.

Or maybe not...

I've been crying on and off since I realized it's the 20th today. I pushed hard for us to be able to adopt Princess Tomorrow today, but came up against the brick wall of bureaucracy that is Denver Human Services. We're falling through a crack here~ in between a county Case Worker who quit to move back to North Carolina and an Adoption Worker just back from "maternity leave me alone" who is part-time and just learning her job. I've bent over backwards with appointments, calls, emails, paperwork and visits in order to keep keep the ball in the air on my side of the net, but I can only do so much. It feels like my teammates don't want to win this one.

When I read an email reminder about the event this morning, it was like a punch in the stomach. It seriously felt like a loss. I'm really trying to be positive and take on Mike's attitude of "We'll just keep taking their money as long as they want to give it to us-- especially with the holidays coming up" but it's hard. *Especially with the holidays coming up* if that makes sense.

I remember baby grrl laying under our little fake tree at the end of the sleigh bed in our room (because we were too exhausted to go get a real tree) and how she batted at a pretty glass and lace ornament from my mother-in-law, and cooed at the lights. I hoped then that she would be part of our "forever family" by the next Christmas, but it came and went without termination of her biological parent's rights. So this will be our third Thanksgiving/Solstice/New Year with our sweet daughter, but we still don't have that security of knowing we will celebrate many more holidays with her. It's a precarious feeling and I don't like heights or depths. I just want to move on. I want us to be a normal family, and I want to stop writing this blog (as soon as I finish making it into a book). I want to be so busy driving around to ballet, dance classes, gymnastics, soccer, and slumber parties that I ask myself why I wanted a little princess anyway!

So this is what we won't get to participate in tomorrow:
http://www.nationaladoptionday.org/2009/events/state_details.asp?Event1State=COLORADO&Submit=Go

I am happy beyond expression for the families who will adopt tomorrow, especially the kids.

I'm finding small comfort in the idea that we will have a day of our very own that'll be really special because it will be just us at the courthouse (and anyone who wants to come witness our adoption). Maybe I ought to start planning an after-adoption party?

I just really want today to be over so I can stop ruminating! I've been on and off Facebook all day trying not to overeat or smoke. My pity party will officially end at midnight.

Thanks for listening.

Social Workers are neither social nor workers: discuss.

I'm so fed up with Ariel Clinical Services~ our CPA (Child Protective Agency)~ and the Denver DHS (Department of Human Services). They are NEITHER protective nor service-oriented.

The first time the Adoption Worker came over to visit, she asked me at the end of the visit, if I had any questions. I said, "Yes, just one: WHEN can we ADOPT our daughter?"

Specifically, I asked if it would be possible for us to adopt her on National Adoption Day, November 21. I waited a week for her to get back to me. When I called her she said she didn't know about it but she would "look into it" (I think that means blink and then forget I asked about it).

So I called the Case Manager at our CPA, Ariel. I asked her what is the holdup, what do we have to do? Where are we at in this process? And did someone drop a ball somewhere? So she said she would "look into it" and get back to me. I waited a week for HER to call me. Then I called both of them and tried to get them to talk to each other in a 3-way call. Oh no, they are too busy right now, one of them will call me when she in the office in two days, and the other one doesn't have the paperwork in front of her right now, so she will have to look at it and see "where we are at".

Finally about TWO WEEKS LATER, I find out that agency #1 has done the Certified Adoptive Homestudy, and agency #2 has done the Presentation of the Child, so the only thing left to do is "Subsidy Paperwork". THEN the two of them argue about whose job it is to do the paperwork. "Normally, the county does it" one says, and the other says exactly the opposite! "Normally the CPA does it, whoever you get your monthly check from, but I am not sure..." (she says she is "not really sure" way too often if you ask me~ and while I appreciate her honesty, maybe she could call a superior and LEARN HOW TO DO HER JOB!)

What is this subsidy anyway, and can we just decline it? I ask. It's money the state will continue giving us each month after we adopt her. I didn't know we would get another dime after adopting her. It's not as much as your foster care stipend, they tell me, but it's something. Because by adopting her we are taking the burden of her care off of the state.

So for that, you might think they would bend over backwards to push paperwork through as soon as possible, so kids can be adopted as quickly as possible and they can save more money. That's what I thought anyway. We would like to adopt her on National Adoption Day, which is November 21. (Well, for some reason it's on November 20 here in Denver).

Then the Adoption Worker says in order for us to be able to adopt her on National Adoption day November 20, we would have to have our paperwork done by this week, as in by October 30. OKAY NO PROBLEM! If I was her I would find out what was needed and not rest until it was completed and submitted to whatever person higher up the food chain has to sign it or approve it or whatever.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE FOR THEM TO DETERMINE WHAT THE STATE IS GOING TO PAY US AFTER WE ADOPT HER?! Certainly there is a formula or something that they use to figure this out? I am sure it depends on her age at adoption, diagnoses/diseases/ medications, what they perceive to be her ongoing needs (we've got it covered) and any therapeutic services that she currently utilizes (NONE).

So the Adoption Worker comes over for a visit today. Did she bring any subsidy paperwork for us to fill out or sign? Nope. Just a big, dopey grin and about a dozen questions for my kids about homeschooling including "Do you like it?"

I AM SO DONE HAVING THESE AUTOMATONS "VISIT" OUR HOME.

I AM SO SICK OF THEIR BLANK STARES WHEN I ASK THEM SPECIFIC QUESTIONS.

I AM SO ANNOYED WITH "I WILL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU" AND "I WILL HAVE TO LOOK INTO IT AND SEE WHAT I CAN FIND OUT".

I AM SO DISGUSTED BY SO-CALLED SOCIAL WORKERS WHO CANNOT COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER MEMBERS OF OUR DAUGHTER'S TEAM.

I AM SO TIRED OF THINKING FOR THESE PEOPLE.

I AM SO FED UP WITH REMINDING PEOPLE TO DO THEIR JOBS.

I AM SO PISSED THAT THEY ARE GETTING PAID TO COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE, ASK US RUDE QUESTIONS AND THEN SIGN A PIECE OF PAPER.

THEY DO NOTHING TO HELP ANYONE!

I could go on and on but I'm so angsty from thinking about it that I could explode.

Going for a walk in the snow now, to cry and clear my head...

This just in!

Got a call from the Adoption Worker (just back from maternity leave, new to her part-time job, doesn't seem to know what she is doing yet...) and there is a remote possibility that we might be able to adopt Mara in November for National Adoption Day. Don't get too excited as it would depend on one case manager completing paperwork and communicating with another, but the Adoption Worker just told me if we could push it through this week, there is a chance we could adopt her then.

This is the first time anyone has told me exactly what we are waiting on: Subsidy Paperwork. Like we care how much money they are going to give us! It won't be anywhere near the monthly stipend (that they cut every six months or so when she is doing well) so who cares? Why does it even matter. Isn't it a detail that can be finalized afterward? And is that really all that holds up adoptions like ours? One person calling another person and telling them what they need? This is just more proof that these "Social Workers" know damn good and well that there jobs depend on the system crawling due to lost paperwork and postponed court dates and meetings, et cetera. I know that probably sounds very cynical, but I have seen it firsthand and it is more common than not. I wish it weren't true and I doubt it will ever change.

We would gladly forego getting another dime for fostering or adopting her if it meant we could adopt her "free and clear". I hope it doesn't sound like I am talking about anything less than taking on the emotional, financial and physical responsibility for a person. This isn't just a "hoop to jump through" as the worker said, this is nothing less than a soul we want to save. We desperately need to be deemed her forever family, for the safety and well-being of our daughter. Because she is already our daughter, whether the state recognizes it or not, but it will feel really good for it to be official.

That's all I have.

Semisweet Anniversary

Tomorrow will be two years that Princess Tomorrow has been with us! I was going to blog about this tomorrow, but since Mike is at the movies with the boys for the Toy Story 3D Double Feature and Tomorrow and I are watching the Barbie version of the Nutcracker, I would be foolish not to take this precious time to write.

It is increasingly difficult these days to find the time to write or even blog. I keep a journal stashed in the drawer of my bedside table and jot down epiphanies, frustrations and inspirations in it, but rarely do I find the time to transfer those sleepy scribblings to my blog. it may sound silly, but most often, I receive some sort of divine inspiration in the shower. A dear friend of mine from Saint Louis once told me it has something to do with positive ions and the spray of warm water, and I don't know anything about that really, but I know for sure that the shower is often a wellspring of emotion and reflection for me where I am finally able to braid a few days worth* of my scattered thoughts into something that looks beautiful and purposeful. *I only take a shower every few days. I take a bath every other day with Tomorrow since I would be getting soaked anyway, and I wash my hair in the sink a lot.

It occurs to me right now, that were I to send the boys to public school, I would likely be able to write every day, just as I am now using the laptop while Tomorrow and I sit quietly together in the front room watching her Barbie movie, with her only occasionally announcing a new bird at the feeder. Almost every day, I remind myself, Someday they will be gone and I will miss this maddeningly loud time with all of them here around me now, and I slow my racing thoughts with the idea of writing a book about foster-adopting Tomorrow.

Two years ago today, we got the call that Tomorrow was at the hospital and needed to be picked up. I didn't have any questions but eagerly inquired what hospital room she was in and if we could go see her even though she would not be released until the next day. As soon as Mike could get off work, we went and visited her at Children's Hospital on the eighth floor. I remember how I dressed the boys up as if we were going to church, and myself in the black/blue/brown swirly blouse I wore to my first nephew's baby shower, a pair of 1928 earrings with teardrop pearls hanging from them that were my moms and which babies love to gaze upon, my black dress boots and my long brown sweater with the faux diamonds and fur collar. I remember the pink and white checked flannel blanket Tomorrow was wrapped in, the metal bars of the crib in which she was sleeping, and how it looked like she was in a little cage. I remember being so surprised she was sleeping soundly, and asking if she was medicated, how long she had been sleeping and when she had her last feeding. The Nurse on duty told us only that she would probably be waking up soon and so we just waited. I sat and stared at her gorgeous little brown face peering out of the blanket in which she was swaddled. The thought running wild in my mind was actually, WHY ISN'T SOMEONE CONSTANTLY HOLDING THIS POOR LITTLE BABY?! Now I know, that was where we came in and why God called me and led us on this path.

After we had settled in to the new, state of the art hospital room with our two very excited boys, Tomorrow finally woke up and started crying. I will never forget her lustful, sad cry. It haunted me that night as I lay awake on the day bed in her nursery, wishing I had demanded to spend the night with her. Mike and the nurses has insisted that I go home and get a "good night's sleep" because we were going to need it for her round-the-clock feedings and medication, but I didn't sleep much anyway. When I finally did crash, after arranging all of the newborn clothes and diapers I had in her closet, I had a horrible nightmare that she was in her crib at the hospital crying and no one was going to her. I know it might sound crazy, but it was as if I could actually hear her cry. It's clear to me now that was the beginning of my bonding with her. Mike says I bonded with her at that very first feeding in the hospital, when she woke up and cried and we got to feed her and change her diaper, but I think now that bonding is a more gradual process and not a single moment that has a clear starting point. I do remember how she looked at us, quizzically at first, but how she quickly smiled~ really, she SMILED! at only five and a half weeks~ at Hammy and Mike. I swear she was flirting with them. I thought it was so adorable then, now I look back and wonder if that was how she had learned to not get hurt by people. I feel like I know too much. I don't know why I have to go through this remembering but I do. I no longer try to stop it, I just let it happen. It's how I honor really major events. Plus, these remembering blog entries may help when I begin to write my book about our heart-wrenching journey toward adoption.

If only I could go back to the worried new mother I was that day, and know that she was going to be safe with us for this long. Of course, that is not possible, and I try to take that hard-earned experience and apply it to today. So far, so good. I must be getting accustomed to this limbo-like situation, because there are far fewer days now when I panic and worry that "They" could come for her and take her away from us. It is irrational to think that way, I simply remind myself, because there is no reason for anyone to take her from us. Yet the fact that the legal possibility is there has me living like a person who is always on call in her own home. I feel like I cannot fully relax. Someone could come and do a surprise home inspection today, right now. Are there any medications, even homeopathic remedies or vitamins, left out? Any cleaning solutions not up high enough? Is there glass out on the counter that she could reach with a step stool (she could drop it, break it and cut herself on the glass)? Is the house too messy? Are the children wearing clean clothes? Is Tomorrow in a dry diaper? Did I get the empty bottle out of her room from before her nap? Are her sheets clean? Do I have enough clothing in her current size? Have I spent enough money on her this month? Did I sign off her medication administration sheet (for her gummy vitamins)? Is she meeting all of her developmental milestones? Is she current on her well-baby visits and vaccinations? Does she have enough long pants and shirts? Seven pairs of warm pajamas? A winter coat that fits, boots, and gloves? Do we have blankets and water in our vehicles for winter weather? Where is the First Aid kit and does it need restocked? Is the evacuation plan posted in her room (or did the boys take it down and play with it again)? Are the house rules posted and are we consistently enforcing them? Are they age-appropriate for all three of our children? Is the wax building up in her ears again? Are they going to need to scrape it out again (and traumatize her just when she is starting to trust having her ears gently cleansed with natural drops)? Why is her hair falling out again? Are we not using the right ethnic products? Does she need to get a trim? Is it okay to let her wear her hair in a 'fro to go to Lowe's with Mike or should I put it in plats before she goes just in case someone sees her? Am I going to get in trouble for not taking her in for her two year well-baby visit yet? With her doctor's knowledge, I've been waiting for Children's Hospital to get the swine flu vaccine so she only has to go twice rather than three times, and so Mike doesn't have to miss work three times. What if she gets the swine flu before Children's Hospital gets the vaccine? What if she does get the vaccine but she has a bad reaction to it? Do I have any say as her foster mother in regard to a vaccine that hasn't been out long enough to be proven safe?

I think this has evolved into another blog post but I'm going to leave it as it is, in the context of Tomorrow having been with our family for two years and with our full intention of adopting her, because it is honest and it is real. It is high time for us to adopt our daughter. As much as we like to get a monthly stipend, we are tired of waiting to make her part of our forever family. Supposedly, the County is always begging people to adopt kids who are placed in their homes, so why on Earth is our case taking so long? Why can't we adopt Tomorrow in November on National Adoption Day like a bunch of other families? We know a foster family who will probably be adopting another little girl (who has been placed with them for the second time), and she has been with them this time for less than a year. It isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but couldn't this be? DOESN'T THIS LITTLE GIRL DESERVE TO HAVE THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE SPED UP A LITTLE? WHAT THE HELL IS THE HOLD-UP? Are we falling through the cracks of the system because we had a county Case Worker leave "The Department", and now we have an Adoption Worker who is only part-time and just back from a three month "maternity leave me alone" period? Or is there something going on that I don't know about?

This is where my paranoia comes in, and BELIEVE YOU ME I do not need any actual reason to be paranoid because I can be paranoid in the absence of any rational or verifiable reason for being paranoid. This is where I start to unravel a bit, and lose part of my faith in the child protective system, the legal process (what little of that there is left from my own experience at nineteen). This is where I get frustrated with having all of these child protective professionals visit our home regularly, and with more professionals being added to our team rather than replaced. We still have a Case Manager with our licensing agency and our regular "ongoing" County Worker, and now we have an Adoption Worker. But these people don't come and go, they are just added to the roster. So now we have THREE relative strangers coming into our home on a regular basis and judging the way we live and raise our children. And they can stop by anytime and will at least once each quarter in addition to their regular "convenient" home visits. Every time a new professional gets involved, I worry that they will somehow complicate our case, that they will do something wrong or drop the ball on something and somehow bring about a delay us being to adopt Tomorrow. Or simply not speed the process along. Even though Halloween is not yet here, I've mentally begun to face the fact that we are quickly approaching yet another Thanksgiving and Christmas without having sealed the deal for our family. It would be the greatest gift of all were we to be able to adopt her in November. I want to feel like the longer it takes the better it will be, and I know that a child as wonderful as Tomorrow is more than worth the wait, but I'm running very low on patience for the bureaucracy of it all.

So yes, on one hand I am ever so grateful that Tomorrow was placed with our family and that she has remained in our loving care for two years. Still, on the other hand, every month that passes without any progress towards adoption weighs a little more heavily on my heart's scale of balance. I've been spinning plates for two years and I am really, really ready to take a break. And let our house get really, really messy, for like a whole weekend.

Tomorrow we will celebrate both as a core family and with friends. But I just had to complain a bit first. This is an anniversary I will always honor, just like a birthday, for it's when she born into our family~ but it only illuminates the step we have left to take with her. As Mike put it: "It's not quite bittersweet because she's here with us, so it's more like semisweet." We simply look forward to tasting the pure sweetness that adoption will bring.

Princess Tomorrow is TWO!

Mara summitted Pikes Peak before she was two!

At the Cliff Dwellings in Manitou Springs

Smelling a $250 flower at Seven Minute Station

The Fountain of Youth

Two days before she was two years

It's almost unbelievable to me that Tomorrow's babyhood has flown by, even though there were some very long days and nights over the past two years! It feels as though her babyhood was set to warp speed, and I think I missed out a bit. Even though I know for sure that I cherished *her*, and I learned to take each day one day at a time and said thank you for each and every one we had with her, I held back just a bit of my heart for fear that she could have been taken from us. I do feel like now I am allowing myself to live as if our future is secure, even though it isn't official, and there is a definite change in that I have noticed I've begun to feel more put-upon more often! I think this is a normal part of accepting her as ours. When I refer to her as "One more dirty laundry-producer", it means she is one of us. I swear I do an extra load of laundry a day now that I have a girl in the house! But I do remind myself to savor the milestones and the moments like her spinning around in her dress or lifting it over her head and pretending to be a ballerina, because I may not have another daughter. And in just four weeks, she will have been with us for two years (because she was placed with us at five weeks of age), so I will be sure to spend that day honoring the gift of a daughter with which we have been entrusted.

Meanwhile, Tomorrow is a typical two-year-old in many ways. My days are punctuated by her telling me "No Mommy!" or calling me "Dummy Mommy!" (as I try not to smile or laugh at her petulant independence); her loudly exclaiming "Pee! Pee!" as she whips off her g-diaper mostly so she can run around without any pants on for a half an hour (all the while not squeezing out a single droplet of urine); her screeching if anyone dares to change the channel from "Abby and Elmo" (Sesame Street)*; her yelling "Bobble!" (bottle) at me when she suddenly decides she cannot eat food fast enough to fill her little belly; her demanding that I put "paint" on her nails over and over until I stop and do so; her yelling "Cudders" when she wants the crayons, and so on...she is such a boisterous little thang, and is so much larger than life as they say, that I sometimes forget she is only two until she's asleep and only taking up one eighth of her big girl bed.

*The other day, she was laying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling and zoning out. I asked her, "What are you thinking about?" and she said, "Elmo. And Abby," in a very serious little voice. It was the cutest thing, because she was absolutely sincere. I forced myself not to laugh.

Yet in many ways she is so atypical, with her sweetness and understanding of human emotions. She can sense when one of her brothers are not feeling well and will tilt her head and say, "Okay, brubber? Owie?" She can tell when I am overwhelmed and will say, "Nuggle, Mommy?" as if to say, Let's go lay down and snuggle, 'cause this can wait. The way she wraps her baby doll in a blanket and shushes her to sleep while holding her makes my heart swell with pride that THAT is how she has learned to treat a baby, rather than the way she was mistreated before she came to be with us. It is nothing short of a miracle! Sometimes I feel as if I am trapped in a monotonous cycle of cooking, dishes and laundry. But if Tomorrow comes up to me and pulls on my hand or hugs my leg, it forces me to snap out of thinking negatively, and to focus on what an amazing family we are and what a blessing is Tomorrow. Most days I feel so challenged, grateful, humble, overwhelmed and proud all at once that I can't put my feelings into words so I don't even attempt to do so. I know now that Tomorrow was absolutely supposed to be with us.

She is unlike any child I have ever known. As much as she gets frustrated with my inability to instantaneously be and do all things for her at all times, daily she tells me, "Dank you, Mommy" and I know she means it. She thanks me for changing her g-diaper, for doing her hair, for dressing her, for starting her Barbie and the Diamond Castle DVD in her bedroom for the 50th time.

Though she apparently abhors all other movies in the Barbie genre and refuses to even watch the first minute of any of the five her father bought her, "B and the D.C.", as I call it, is currently her favorite movie She is obsessed with it, and she holds up her pink Barbie remote, pretends it is a microphone and sings, "Uh-nected, Uh-nected, uh-nected" (Connected) and she demands that I also hold a remote and sing along with her. Luckily we got her pink Disney princess TV on Craigslist, so it came with three useless pink remotes from three other pink Disney devices, and they make excellent pretend microphones.

One day she had the entire family in her room and made us all sing Connected with her. If she noticed one of us wasn't singing, she would order us to sing! ("DADDY! SING!") It was one of those Hallmark movie moments that almost made me sick with its pink sweetness. How did such a small girl trick me into accepting two things I swore would NEVER be allowed in my home? (Barney and Barbie) Apparently, she is already quite adept at getting her way.

Still, how can I begrudge all of my filthy and thankless household chores when I have a grateful and mindful *toddler* in my home? Somehow I find a way, but I do feel sufficiently guilty about it whenever she comes up to me with a book and says, "Read me, Mommy?" or when I am lying in bed at night after the three angels are fast asleep. She makes me stop and smell the roses. She reminds me of what is important, that we can choose our family and our path in life and that every single day, no matter how monotonous or uneventful, is an ordinary miracle.

No News = Good News

Princess Tomorrow in her dress from Auntie J on TPR Day

On the mini trampoline...looks like she was concentrating on being safe for her "Aunt Den"

With her Case Worker from Denver Human Services on his last visit

He's leaving the department and he said he was really glad that he got to see her case mostly resolved-- and he said it's the best "success story" he's seen!

It appears I've been on vacation from blogging. We've just been really busy, to say the least. The vegetable garden ate up our July, and we've spent our weekends staycationing and taking daytrips around Colorado as much as possible.

The nice thing is that no news really is good news. Hopefully you, my faithful readers, know that about my blogging style by now. There hasn't been any calamity, drama, gossip or problems with visits to vent about. We've finally gotten a chance to babymoon and enjoy being a family with OUR little girl without the intrusion of the weekly, court-ordered visits. I always knew they were disruptive, and now I know full well exactly how disruptive they were. Tomorrow has almost completely stopped hitting and kicking, and she doesn't cry hysterically whenever I say, "Let's do your hair, okay?"

Then there's the fact that HAVING THREE ACTIVE KIDS IS KICKING MY BUTT. When Mike talks about wanting to adopt a sister for Tomorrow someday, I remind him that the only way I will be willing to adopt another child is if she has Down Syndrome or for some other reason has a below average IQ. Please don't take offense to this if you have a child with Down's Syndrome. I worked for six years with adults with developmental disabilities and have said I think we "normal" people are the ones with the messed-up genes, because never before have I felt so appreciated and unconditionally loved for who I really am regardless of my car, clothing, et cetera than I was by my clients with Down's Syndrome. And anyway, MY POINT IS: I don't need any more "high functioning" and intelligent children to raise! I have my work cut out for me already.

There's literally not enough time in the day for all things the kids want to do plus what I feel like I need to do. The one downside to unschooling is that we are always learning! A love of learning is something that once illuminated cannot be dimmed. Our children are so very curious and they want to know EVERYTHING. TODAY. I can spend all day long helping them research things they want to know more about (currently teeth as Hammy lost his second one last night) while sneaking in the things that the state of Colorado says they need to know, and still they go to bed asking questions.

We're also recertifying as a foster family/home this month so we've been busy with CPR and First Aid refreshers, planned and surprise home inspections, paperwork (the same paperwork we filled out last year, but we have to fill it out again even if nothing has changed) including making copies of anything they have lost since last year, our annual S.A.F.E. questionnaires (in which they ask the most personal questions you can imagine of each spouse separately and then they compare our answers), and private interviews with the kids.

The answers the kids gave in their interviews were funny. First of all, when it came time for the Case Manager to interview the kids they were all sucked into Wii, because we had had to keep them occupied while we were doing our interviews. Plus it was dinnertime. Then there's the fact that Hammy and Moose are so over Tomorrow it's as if she's already ours. When the Case Manager asked them how they are doing, they both said "Great" without even looking away from the TV screen. When she asked how Tomorrow is doing, they said, "Pretty good" and "Okay, I guess." When asked what happens when they get in trouble, Hammy said, "We have to sit on the steps-- or if I'm really rude to my mom, then I can just go to my room." She asked what happens when Tomorrow gets in trouble and Hammy said, "My mom says she isn't really old enough to get in trouble yet but SHE IS TROUBLE. And if she hits us, then she has to sit on the bottom step 'cause she's one." When she asked if they had any needs, Hammy said, "Not anymore since I got one-on-one time with my parents back and I get an allowance." And Moose said, "I get one-on-one time but I need an allowance." And when she asked them if there is anything Tomorrow needs, Hammy said, "One-on-one time. She doesn't really get any." HA! We spend so much one-on-one time together sometimes I think we're one person. But I know what he meant, it's not like I take her to the park to shoot hoops and get a cherry limeade from Sonic or anything like I do with him and maybe I should. But she goes on errands all the time with her daddy (because she'll cry hysterically and shake violently if she can't go).

Considering the things our kids could have said, their interviews went really well! No one said anything about the time I locked myself in the bathroom, crying, and told Mike that I was going to go stay in a hotel until the boys stopped fighting constantly. I'm sure they know to take what the kids say in context of their age, but I bet they get some really funny answers. I'd love to hear some of the funnier ones.

And finally, because I know some of you are/were wondering, the status of the adoption process right now is kind of in a holding pattern but still headed in the right direction. We're so used to it. We have a post-termination hearing on September 3, and mom is appealing the way her case was handled by the department so we really haven't officially even started the adoption process. The new Case Worker with the county said that our adoptive homestudy that's on file with our licensing agency ought to be sufficient but that they usually ask a few more questions, do a "Presentation of the Child" to tell us what her long-term needs will be, and finalize the amount of our montly stipend. Turns out we will get a small monthly stipend even after adoption, which was news to us and is a comfort since adding a third child on one income is scary in these times.

OH! And the department is not recommending contact with the family including the birth mom, so I don't have to feel guilty if I never speak to her again or fret over the fact that we've decided not to go with an open adoption (more on that later).

Well my peeps, that's all the news I've got for now. We've really got to get crack-alackin' on planning Tomorrow's second birthday bash, because it's in eleven days, we're having it here, and our yard is an overgrowth of weeds not unlike the high plains when the pioneers first crossed them.

I hope YOUR Summer is wrapping smoothly, and flows into a lovely Autumn!

"Happy Day, My Daddy!"

Princess Tomorrow's Daddy (I need to think of a good nickname for him before I make my blog public again) said today was "the best Father's Day ever". Hard to believe since I did very little to prepare for it, and in fact didn't get him a gift until last night when I put together a Snapfish Photobook with photos of him with the kids and two family photos for the front and back covers. We didn't make cards and didn't even buy any until today, and that was after brunch, too. But we've been so busy with the garden and had lots of bad carma* (I meant to spell it that way) so I wasn't sure we would have any money to spare with our upcoming trip to Missouri for a reunion at Two County Ranch.

We started out the day just lazing around, and since DH usually makes breakfast on the weekends, it's sort of like Mother's Day probably is in most homes. It goes a little something like this: Well, Dad usually cooks us breakfast but it's Father's Day so we can't ask Dad to make us pancakes, and Mom always burns them (and/or makes healthy ones that taste horrible) so I KNOW, LET'S GO OUT FOR BREAKFAST!

So we decided very spontaneously to go to brunch at Gunther Toody's. Gunther Toody's is a fifties themed diner that's similar to Ed Debevic's in Chicago. There is no website or I would beam you up. The reviews at Yelp are awful. I registered and will write a review in the morning after I've had coffee! The food is not the greatest but where else can you go with three kids who can sit still for about five minutes? And it's perfect if all you want out of the deal is some hot pancakes with cranberry juice, and maybe a side of eggs. I had the whole wheat banana walnut pancakes and they were delish so I don't see what the fuss is about with the negative reviews on Yelp. Who would expect a gourmet meal and stellar service from a place called Gunther Toody's anyway? It totally looks exactly like a cheesy, stereotypical 50's diner from the front so maybe people ought to check their haughty Denverite attitudes at the front doors with the shiny chrome handles or go to Root Down or somewhere more snooty. Our kids ate their M&M pancakes (seriously, we let them eat stuff like that and they still live) and they ate them in almost total silence. They even asked us if they had to eat them all (of course not). Then they had a blast hula-hooping and playing video games with their Daddy-o. What is not to love? And it was fairly cheap, too.

After brunch, we went to REI in Denver for a tent. Then DH went to see Star Trek all.by.himself. at the Movie Tavern (where tickets are only $5.50 and one can order food with the movie). Then we had ribs with Baby Ray's barbeque sauce and corn on the grill with baked beans. Dessert was a cookies and cream cake (store bought) after we practiced putting up our new tent. We were going to let the boys sleep in it until we decided the cat could decide to scratch and we don't want it to get damaged before we've even used it.

Next year, I'd like to be able to spend Father's Day with my dad. I talked to him while we were at breakfast, but I felt bad that none of us girls were there with him. We were all just there for Mother's Day, because that was when a "Celebration of Life" for a new baby niece and one year-old nephew was planned, but we completely forgot about Father's Day. I think next year it would be great if we could all be in KC and the boys and dads could go to a game with Grandpa or something like that. Hammy and Moose think that sounds "really cool".

All in all, it was a fun Father's Day. I am so fortunate that our children have a loving father who puts family first and who cooks, does dishes and laundry, as well as plays with them and reads to them. He didn't have the best role model for a father-- and maybe that is why he is such a great dad, in spite of his own-- but he is definitely setting the bar high for our boys and girl. I don't know another father who is so involved with his kids and so helpful to his wife. I think we need to have more days like today, where he gets a break and gets to be a 50's TV dad, if only for a while. Who knows? I may even put an apron and bake him a casserole one day soon.



*Someone backed into our minivan in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart last Sunday. The body work would be $1500 but we are going to take the check from her insurance company (she got a ticket for "Reckless Backing") so that we can use it to fix DH's SUV that has misfiring cylinders. Meanwhile, the transmission is going out in our minivan so it seems silly to make cosmetic repairs (and be able to open the passenger side door) if we can't even drive it in the very near future.

"Goodbye Visit"

Tomorrow riding in a Care Bears doll stroller from her birth mom --

it is one of TWO doll strollers she has given her!

Today the Case Aide who supervises the weekly visits called to tell us that birth mom's "Goodbye Visit" will be Friday at 4:45. She asked that we stay close in case it gets out of control and she has to end the visit early. That doesn't help my anxiety at all!

Part of me is so sad for the birth mom, that she will not get to see three of her daughters anymore (unless we choose to make arrangements for visits within an open adoption-- which I am not too keen on right now, given her mental/psychological state).

Another part of me is relieved that we will not have to deal with the aftermath of the visits anymore. I almost feel guilty for feeling that way, but we have put up with a lot of negative behavior and I know for sure it is associated with the visits and I always have. When the visits end, if Princess Tomorrow's behavior is markedly improved I will not be willing to resume frequent visits. Perhaps quarterly or yearly? I am not sure. It depends on a lot of different factors, not the least of which is mom staying in Denver. She has talked about moving back to New York when this is all over so we'll see it if is even an issue.



I won't miss newly stained clothes every Friday, that's for sure! I pack bibs-- even the kind that are smocks for painting-- in the diaper bag, but apparently they do not get used. I like to dress her in outfits that her mom has given her-- but if they are really cute clothes, and they often are, I don't want them to get stained. So I've resorted to sending her in clothes that are already stained, although not hideously so, or probably even apparent to most people. As my DH can tell you, I have a bizarre knack for remembering not only where/who every piece of her clothing is from but if it has a spot or tear on it, and how it came to be.

I plan to make Tomorrow's birth mom another photo album, but not the scrapbook I had considered making for her. For one thing, it's not done. And for another thing, the components (all from Close To My Heart) are so pretty and were so pricey that I want to keep it for our own family heirloom.

Once again, I am going to make the birth mom a photo album filled with pictures of Tomorrow being held and loved by her family members. I would like to include as many pictures as I can of her with extended family members, if that would be okay with you all. I will email you each individually for your permission-- but I know for sure I have some good photos of Aunt Jen and Nana with her that I would like to include.

I've been nodding off while typing this so I am going to collapse now!

Here are a few more pix of our little rock star wearing Ariel (Little Mermaid ) Princess sunglasses which were a gift from her birth mom...

TPR Ruling

Yesterday the judge terminated parental rights for all three of the younger girls.

He was supposed to give his ruling on the case at 3:30 but didn't start until almost 5 p.m. We sat through the reviews of a couple of other cases before ours.

The judge began by saying that he had received quite a few letters pertaining to the case, mostly in support of the foster parents of Tomorrow (that's us). He said that while he could not read them because it would not be fair and could bias him, his clerk did read them. He provided copies for the attorneys and the D.A. and they all read them. I hope that he will eventually be able to read them. I did not get around to writing a letter asking for him to TPR, but I do plan to write a thank you letter to him.

He began by telling the parents he was not going to make them sit and wait any longer for his decision. He came right out and said that his decision was to terminate their parental rights for all of the girls. Mom immediately burst into tears and was sobbing loudly, and I was bawling right along with her. The judge gave us some time to take a break and said while he would come back to explain his decision, the parents did not have to sit through his explanation. He said that no one would think any less of them if they did not want to sit through it, and that he would "not allow it". Mom left and I was right behind her. She stopped outside the courtroom and turned around, I think to see if her daughters were coming, and I was right there. She looked so sad and her face just crumpled up when she saw me. We hugged and she began sobbing harder as we were hugging. I could hardly speak I was crying so hard but squeaked out "I feel so sad for you," and "I am so sorry this is happening to you." I have never felt so much grief from one human being in one period of time. I have felt deep grief from people who have just lost someone-- including a boyfriend who lost his mother, and I was actually there when he received the phone call that she had passed-- but this was at least three times more intense, which makes sense if you think about it because she essentially lost three of her daughters yesterday. She told her daughters, "Come on," and they followed behind her slowly, not understanding what was happening. They had been standing there almost like deer in headlights, and I didn't realize at the time that they had no idea what had happened because they were not allowed in the courtroom. It didn't occur to me until later that someone should have explained to them what had just happened. I know I wouldn't have been able to because I literally couldn't speak. It was as if everything was happening so fast and yet in slow motion. Mom's attorney came out then and followed her. Hopefully she explained to the girls what happened and talked with mom. I didn't see what happened when she caught up to them. I just stood there watching mom and her three teenage daughters walk out of the building and thinking that it was the worst day of their lives. Mike came out into the hallway and I told him I wanted to go back in. I don't know why but at that point I felt like I really needed to hear what the judge had to say, that I myself needed to be reminded of why a mother had to lose her daughters and why it wasn't safe for them to be returned to their family of origin.

We didn't have to be there at all, and we didn't necessarily need to hear why he made his decision (especially because we sadly agreed with it). Nonetheless, I am so glad now that we stayed and listened as it was a very unifying experience. The way that he put the pieces of the case together in his own words and with his wisdom was amazing. He connected all of the dots, made connections between behaviors and outcomes, and shared his own insights that had not even been brought to light in the testimony. (E.g. Because mom herself had been abused and not believed, it made sense to him that when she was told her children had been abused she did not believe it at first and continued to question if they really had been and if the extent was so severe).

He was careful with his words but used an active voice in his writing. For example, when he reviewed the extent of Mara's injuries, he specifically stated how each fracture most likely occurred. While that was very difficult to listen to all over again, I am very satisfied that it is part of his ruling because he read it into the court record and it will be available to anyone who requests information about the outcome of the case. Like he said, "With regard to the skull fracture, she would have experienced blunt force trauma to her head," and, "With regard to her broken ribs, she would have been squeezed," and "With regard to her femur fractures, her legs would have been severely bent and twisted." So it was awful to hear again, and it made me need to hold Mara the second I got home, but it was very powerful. Even if someone had not heard any of the testimony except his judgement and summary, it would have been clear that in the end termination was truly the only available option. He did an excellent job of explaining and justifying his ruling in a way that was caring, clearly very well thought-out, humane, intelligent and necessary. I don't know how it would feel to be in the mother's shoes and if I would feel the same way, but having heard from the birth mom already through text messages today, she actually understands the ruling but does not feel that she was treated fairly by the Case Worker. She also said that she is planning to appeal. I do not know that she has any grounds for an appeal but I can understand why she feels like doing that right now.

The judge did not order a "Goodbye Visit" but asked for the Department (DHS, Denver Human Services) to coordinate one. I don't know when that will be but we did not have the regularly scheduled weekly visit this evening due to a conflict for the Case Aide. I hope some time passes before the goodbye visit. I think it would be best for mom to have some time to be very sad and then very angry, and to get a lot of her own emotions out before she interacts with the three girls.

It was a very emotional ruling, and I am still experiencing mixed emotions including: sadness for the birth mom and her entire family, relief that Mara will be able to remain with our family, and anxiety that the other girls futures are uncertain.

I need for you all to understand that while this is what we wanted-- this is literally what I personally hoped would happen-- it still isn't a joyous occasion for us. It was always our intention to adopt from foster care, and we knew that meant of course a birth family would first have to lose a child, but no book or person could have prepared us for what it would be like to experience this especially not as long as this case had dragged on (approximately eight months longer than we thought it would and than it should have according to laws pertaining to permanency planning).

I know this is what we wanted, and fought for, and asked for...but going through it is not what I expected. As much as it seems like an open and shut case, it's just not as easy or simple as it sounds. It is one thing to think about what is right, but it is another thing to experience it. I still feel like justice has not been served because no one has been charged with a crime, but that is a blog post in and of itself. There's so much more I need to say and write but right now I'm just overwhelmed. I feel so sad, yet relieved, grateful, humble, hopeful, anxious, excited, and exhausted. My neck feels like it cannot hold up my head, my heart aches, and my eyes are puffy and tired from crying and not sleeping well. I must have exchanged twenty-five text messages with Tomorrow's birth mom today, which brought me to tears for hours all over again. I will save her messages as long as I have my phone. Maybe I will even type them up here so I will have them forever.

Right now, I need a nap.

Letters & Circle of Prayers from Nana

Dear F**'s,
I made several copies of this (with the photo attached :-) ) and placed one in every Sunday school room at our church and at every entrance. The pastor also made an announcement during church. Several people came up to me and said their whole class prayed for Mara and will continue to do so. The Senior Saints class are going to meet in prayer at 3:00 Mountain time in corporate prayer on her behalf! Many told me of their intention to write Judge Woods. Also- one of Paul's Prayer Team members took a copy back to her church James Assembly (an awesome mega church in Springfield) J*****, so many people are praying specifically for your comfort and that you will find peace during your wait for the Judges decision.
I mailed my letter already also.....I am forwarding you a copy also.
with love and prayer, Mom
p.s. I sent His Honor a copy of the photo also :-)


Tomorrow Update
The Judge announced yesterday that he will be making his ruling on Thursday, June 11th at 3:30 pm. He has closed any further courtroom testimony- however is open to any letters concerning this decision.

Please continue to pray for the best outcome concerning this precious
little girl. If you feel moved to support them with a letter- I thank
you in advance.
A**** P****** (known to Tomorrow as "Nana")

You may send your letter to : Honorable Judge Woods, Division 2
1437 Bannock Street
Denver, Co.80202


For those of you who need refreshing on this situation:
Tomorrow was given to my daughter **** and her husband Mike for emergency
protective foster care at 5 weeks old. She had been hospitalized with 24
broken bones and put in a full body cast! To date no one has been
arrested or charged for her abuse. She is now 22 months old and healed
physically and emotionally.This hearing is hopefully to terminate the
biological parental rights and allow adoption of Tomorrow by my daughter and
her husband. The hearings have been going on since March. My daughter
and her husband are the only loving parents she has ever known in her
short lifetime. They are hoping to adopt her and we are all very anxiously
awaiting a good outcome.




May 27th, 2009

To: The Honorable Judge Woods, District Court, Division 2, Denver, Co. 80212

Dear Honorable Judge Woods,
I am writing concerning your decision regarding ****** ****** on Thursday June 11th At 3:30 pm.
I am known to this precious little girl as “Nana”. My daughter ******* and her husband Mike have had protective custody since she was placed with them at 5 weeks with 24 broken bones and in a full body cast. The minute my daughter called me about her Tomorrow entered my heart as my granddaughter. My husband and I have 15 grandchildren and another on the way. When I count our grandchildren Tomorrow is included. I have found it doesn’t matter how a child comes into your life you love them all the same and consider them a blessing. Since there has been no arrests or lawsuits and no one has been formally charged with her abuse , I trust you will not allow her to go back to that situation ..only to be abused again ….or worse. I don’t know about you but I have lost a lot of sleep over worrying about the future of our little Tomorrow should she be returned to her biological parent(s). The loving care and acceptance Tomorrow has received from us all has helped formed her into a healthy well-adjusted little girl. And my daughter and her husband should be credited with instinctively knowing just how to take care of her special needs. In this case she would only be further traumatized if she was to be removed from her foster parents home as they are the only loving parents she has known. I am enclosing a photo of myself and Tomorrow (that’s what we call T*****) taken this past Mother's Day at our celebration that included my mother and all three of my daughters. Even though I live in another state - we make it a point to stay close with our grandchildren and visit as often as possible…..as you can see from the photo Tomorrow and I are are bonded and share a loving grandparent/grandchild relationship. When I phone their home I can hear Tomorrow’s squeals of delight that Nana’s calling and my daughter says she runs to get the photo album I made for her with my photo in it. My husband and I have a very stable marriage and own a small propane delivery service and 170 acre farm in Missouri. We raise cattle and horses, and our small farm provides our family with fresh eggs and produce. We have 2 other grandchildren with special needs (autism and spina bifida) and our family is well equipped to provide the extra care,
support and attention these children and their parents require. I hope this provides you with a clear idea of how Tomorrow will benefit should you decide to terminate her biological parents rights and open her for permanent placement through adoption with her foster parents Mike and J****** F** . I thank you for your time and concern for this situation.
Sincerely, A** M. P*****

Letter from our Case Manager with Ariel Clinical Services

Friday, June 05, 2009

In regards to: Tomorrow ******

The Honorable Judge Woods

Denver Juvenile Court

1437 Bannock Street

Room 157

Denver, CO 80202





Dear Judge Woods,



I am writing this letter in regards to Tomorrow ******, who is living in the foster home of Mike and J**** F**. I am the Case Manager through the CPA and visit the home two times per month and have witnessed Tomorrow’s extraordinary growth over time. It is my understanding that your final judging will be on June 11 to determine if parental rights on Tomorrow will be terminated. I felt the need to write this letter because I feel strongly that Tomorrow should remain in the F** home on a permanent basis. Since being placed with Mike and J**** on October 12, 2007, Tomorrow has exceeded all expectations set out for her by doctors and therapists. Tomorrow has excelled in all of her developmental milestones, which I believe would not be the case if she were still with her biological parents. It is my understanding that no one has accepted responsibility for Tomorrow’s injuries occurred during the first five weeks of her life. It would be devastating to Tomorrow’s future developments to be returned to an environment that is the same as when she was removed. It seems unlikely that Tomorrow will be safe with her birth mother now since she has never accepted responsibility for Tomorrow’s injuries, nor made any attempt to discover what actually happened. How can Tomorrow be protected if her caregivers doubt that her injuries occurred and were as severe as reported by the treating doctors? Mike and J**** F** have provided Tomorrow with a stable, safe, and loving home that I believe is the reason for her astounding advances. They love her like their own child and Tomorrow is clearly bonded with them, which is evident by their interactions together. I would like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read my letter. Again, I can not say enough how strongly I feel that Tomorrow ****** should not be returned to her biological mother, but should remain with the only loving family she has ever known.



Respectfully,



Michelle P*****

Case Manager

Ariel Clinical Services

Letter from "Dr. Kiki"!

June 3, 2009

Honorable Judge Woods:

I am a pediatrician in the Foster Care Clinic at The Children’s Hospital. I am writing this letter on behalf of a very special patient of mine, Tomorrow ******.

I first met Tomorrow when she was 5 months old. She had been placed in Foster Care with J****** and Michael F** at 5-1/2 weeks of age. As you know, as a very young infant

Tomorrow suffered incredible traumatic injury, and is lucky to be alive. Over the past 16 months, I have watched this infant absolutely thrive under the care of her Foster Parents.

For example, pediatricians rely heavily on growth parameters in the first year of life as an indicator of overall health. When Tomorrow first presented to Children’s with her extensive injuries, she was at the 25% of weight for infant girls her age. Under J****** and Michael’s care, she has not only maintained this growth rate, but has accelerated, and now is close to the 50%. Her length/height has increased from the 25% to 75% during the same time. Finally, her head growth which reflects brain growth/development has increased from 10% to almost 50% - wow!

In addition, pediatricians follow developmental progress, especially in young infants. Tomorrow has reached her developmental milestones under Michael and J******’s care far ahead of infants her age, and even ahead of infants several months older. She is actually the most developmentally advanced infant I have ever seen in 15 years of practice/3 years of Residency. At 6 months, Tomorrow was crawling, pulling up to stand, pushing chair around the room, saying mama specifically and daddy specifically to J****** and Michael respectively, and saying several other words. Most infants do not achieve these milestones until 9-14 months of age. Again…wow!

Finally, the most important aspect of Tomorrow's healing, resilience, and ability to thrive is her very securely bonded relationship with her Foster Parents. She adores them, trusts them, and is willing to let herself flourish under their care. Any child who survived the trauma that

Tomorrow did as a young infant would expectedly and understandably be withdrawn, delayed, and unable to bond with adults for some time. Tomorrow has defied all of these sorts of expectations.

I truly believe this beautiful child who could have died at a very young age is in the most ideal home I can imagine to guarantee her success. She absolutely needs this consistent, loving, nurturing environment to become all that she has the potential to be in life.



Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions. And thank you for your time.



Sincerely,

Kathleen (Kiki) Traylor, MD

Pediatric Physician, The Children’s Hospital Foster Care Clinic

Senior Manager, Government Affairs, Amgen Inc.

Former Colorado State Senator

And once again, a voice of reason is heard.

Today we had a visit from the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL). She has an assistant who has been doing home visits but I imagine she is required to visit herself from time to time.

She asked me the usual questions about how Tomorrow is doing and watched as I struggled to change her diaper and get her redressed and settled down for a bottle and a nap (the visit was right at nap time).

Then, she basically talked me out of having Tomorrow's sister in our home. She went over all of her negative behaviors: how she acts out sexually toward her foster brother and foster father, cusses people out, destroys property, fights violently with her sister, knocks over bookshelves, spits, throws things, you name it. She shared her concern that her outbursts would be very upsetting to our family. She said she is mostly concerned that Tomorrow would be negatively affected and that our boys would be as well. She also said the judge will most likely recommend that the other two girls are placed separately for adoption, which really breaks my heart while I do understand why.

Oh! She also explained why the judge did not go ahead with TPR on May 27th. Apparently he is extremely thorough and writes up a detailed account of his decision which he reads into the record. So that is why he keeps notes on his laptop and why he wanted time to make his decision. The GAL said she expects him to terminate parental rights for all three of the younger girls, and to expect that it will take some time while he explains his decisions with regard to each child in the case.

Then she went on and on about how well we are doing with Tomorrow and that felt really good. We don't get a lot of recognition-- not that any parents ever do really, but I mean as foster parents-- probably because we "only have the one foster child" and are seen by other foster parents as being inexperienced (even though we had two children before fostering), selfish and other such nonsense because we want to adopt.

All in all, it was a very reassuring visit. I feel somewhat relieved but also very sad that every professional who knows us and Tomorrow's sister does not think we should take her in. And not that she wouldn't do well in our home-- because it would be a definite upgrade for her-- but solely based on their opinions of what her presence could do to our family. We haven't even had a chance to have her over for a visit or respite. So while I want to believe the professionals who have worked with her and us, and there are definitely days when I feel like I am at the limit of my patience-- I still feel a tugging at my heart that means I haven't completely let go of the idea.

I think I may have let my strong desire to keep the two sisters together cloud my perspective and I couldn't see the forest for the two little saplings. It splinters my soul that a judge may recommend three sisters be separated, after all they have been through. But if it makes all three of the more adoptable, it can't be so bad. The GAL believes that the other two sisters would benefit from being only children due to their severe dysfunction with siblings, but it is still hard for me to accept as a sister myself. I keep trying to compare my family with theirs, but there is no comparison. Just like how I struggled with trying to understand how a mother could not know her baby was hurt, the bottom line was that the birth mom does not feel and think the way I do; and her daughters do not behave the way my sisters and I do. It is hard to imagine, but I believe in my heart that this particular set of people in DHS really do want what is best for these girls. According to the GAL, the judge is also looking ahead and realizing that it may be very difficult or even impossible to find a family who will adopt both of Tomorrow's sisters with their extreme behaviors and needs.

I wish we could be that family, but we have to put the three we already care for first...it's all I can imagine at this moment...just for today...for now.

So that's the latest. Bad news with good, as usual. Bittersweet as always.

Thank you in advance for not saying 'I told you so' even if you did.