Our Little Fourteener

Tomorrow had a well-baby appointment yesterday, and weighed in at fourteen pounds and one ounce. She has finally doubled her birth weight! The pediatrician was extremely impressed by all of the developmental milestones she has met, especially considering her rough start in life.

The amazing five-month-old Tomorrow is:

• moving objects from one hand to another (and shaking them and turning them over),


• rolling over (from her back to tummy-- the harder roll-- but not tummy to back!),


• tripoding (sitting up by using her hands on the floor in front of her for balance),


• doing push-ups when she is on her tummy,


• crawling backwards off her Boppy,


• babbling, mimicking, & singing!

She's a joy to watch grow and learn. The boys get a kick out of every new thing she does. I really love to hear her sweet voice. So far she is babbling "baba" (bottle), "dada", "mamamamamamamamamama" and "bubba" (for brother). The other morning, when she was kicking, trying to eat her feet and screeching loudly, I asked her, "Would you like your socks off?" and she said "off!" It was hilarious! Then yesterday, the doctor asked if she had been sick and Tomorrow said, "sick!" and then giggled. Apparently, girls start talking much earlier than boys. So not only do we get the last word but the first one, too!

Heartbreaking Visit

This isn't a current photo but rather an old one of Tomorrow just getting ready to cry at the end of a photo session back in October, and it is one of only three pix I have of her in which she is unhappy. (The other two are of her in the body cast and the Pavlik harness and I will probably never post them here).

That is how she looked whenever I picked her up from her first visit in three weeks tonight; only she had tears streaming down her face and she was crying, nearly hyperventilating and shaking.

She was crying *sooo hard*, and the first thing her mom said was, "she has been so fussy tonight!" Fussy, really? We call that "really, really upset" in our house. We might even label it as "inconsolable". I was almost hysterical on the inside, wondering why nobody had called me, but I managed to keep my cool. I took her from the birth mom and she immediately stopped crying and laid her head on my shoulder. Then she was trying to catch her breath from sobbing so hard and long, and it was so terribly sad that I felt like crying myself. The Case Aide said that all the girls are so rambunctious at the visits and she tries to keep an eye on everyone and everything and won't nap (nevermind that she had taken a two hour nap right before the visit)...bio mom asked if she is teething (why is that the catch-all explanation for all crying that doesn't stop when something is shoved in her mouth?)...so I said (but didn't mean), "She is probably just tired."

Still, I think I saw the pain in her birth mother's eyes when I took Tomorrow from her and she stopped crying right away. So I said something about how she is at the age when babies get so attached to people that they don't go to others as easily, and I told them that she doesn't jump into her Case Manager's arms anymore either and she used to do so (she sees Codi weekly, too, so I thought it was a good comparison). Then her bio mom made the comment that this is why she needs to see her more often-- and she hadn't seen her for two weeks, so I had to agree with her. Then a weird thing happened: the Case Aide seemed to get defensive and told us that she had been on injury leave the first week and couldn't help it, and that the next week's visit fell on MLK day. But we had both offered to make up both visits another evening. The Case Aides just don't seem to have the time in their schedules (or aren't willing to make the effort to move their schedules around).

I think it is wrong, for all involved, for court-ordered family visits to be missed and not made up for more than one week. I think it is awful for her to have to go three weeks not seeing her mom and sisters and then being left with them. Yet I have to ask myself, am I at fault for not foreseeing that this would happen? After all, I'm essentially her mother. And I know that as she gets more and more attached to us, the flipside of that is that she will not be as attached to others. Sadly, the closer we grow, the less she will probably want to be held by her birth mother.

I don't know what to do. Do I offer to sit in on the next visit? Or just wait in the lobby in case I am needed for soothing? All I know is that I need to call someone tomorrow, and tell them something. Tonight just wasn't right. I haven't heard Tomorrow cry like that since she was being cut out of her body cast, and I can't imagine that happening every single week from now 'til whenever.

Meanwhile, I can't put her down tonight. I don't want to and anyway, she won't let me.

Ain't Braggin'

"It ain't braggin' if you done it." If I had a dollar for every time I've heard my stepfather say that...LOL...but he has a right to brag as he's one of the hardest working men I know! He's fighting colon cancer now, and I know someday he'll look back and say he beat cancer. It ain't braggin' if you done it, and I look forward to hearing him brag about how he did it.

I really am not one to toot my own horn, but I will be the first to tell you that being a mom to small children is one of the most challenging (and exhausting) jobs there is. I remember when my Kinesiology instructor in massage school told our class that the two toughest jobs in the world were being a ditch digger and being a caregiver to small children. I wasn't a mom myself yet, although I would find out I was pregnant soon after that lecture and his comments would echo in my mind in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't get back to sleep wondering if I was cut out for motherhood. I'm pretty sure that ditch digging is much more physically demanding than being a mom, but taking care of small children absolutely includes almost constant movement (except when it requires total stillness!); it requires bending, carrying more than 25 (usually screaming and squirming) pounds, lifting, stretching, and standing on ones feet much of the day; it demands emotional, mental, physical and spiritual strength; and most importantly, it calls for endurance and patience. It certainly isn't easy, and I never dreamed it could be so hard.

But I digress...

Today I received one of the best compliments yet in my career as a foster mom, and it reminded me that I still haven't blogged about a very touching experience I had with Tomorrow's biological mom. The county caseworker was here for a home visit. His visits alternate every other month- one month he visits us here in the home and the next month he sees Tomorrow at family visits. "Ben" is a very articulate, kind man who seems to genuinely care about both foster kids *and* bio and foster parents and acts as a professional liason using a team approach in the supervision he provides.

Ben told me that Tomorrow's bio mom cannot say enough good things about me, how Tomorrow is being cared for, how happy she looks at each visit and how cute she is always dressed for the visits! It almost feels like I'm bragging by blogging about this, but I keep thinking to myself: It ain't braggin' if you done it, and I done it!

It felt really, really good to hear that from Ben today. It felt very validating. Of course, I pshaw'd it and I'm still doubtful as this is our very first placement, but he insisted that it is rare for a bio mom to say such positive things about a foster mom. Ben also told me that Tomorrow's birth mom really appreciated the photo album we gave her (with photos of Tomorrow in it) for Christmas. I was surprised she told him about it. I had told her I was working on it but it took me a couple weeks longer than I had planned to get it put together for her; although when I finally did it ended up being the perfect time to give it to her, at the surprise family visit that ended up taking place on Christmas Eve whenever we ended up not going to Missouri. It ain't braggin' if you done it.

So I literally got choked up today, hearing that Tomorrow's bio mom feels so good about her daughter's foster care placement, and while it may be hard to believe I was momentarily at a loss for words. When I found my voice and could speak without squeaking, I told him what happened at a visit in early December when I had to bring both boys as Mike was out of town:

Because I had to bring both boys into the building to drop Tomorrow off for her visit, I brought a stroller. Perhaps because I had Tomorrow in the stroller and wasn't carrying her like I usually am, Tomorrow's mom walked right up to us and hugged me when I walked in. I was taken aback at first but hugged her back. She seemed very excited and said, "Thank you so much for everything you do for her." I remember thinking, either she is on something or she has started therapy! Her sister also said something about how cute she was dressed, and the Case Aide added, "We really appreciate you." That made me feel shy, but also like my heart ballooned to twice its normal size. I felt different while waiting for the visit to be over. I didn't feel a sense of dread about seeing her again and hearing what cockamamie ideas she had for me this time (E.g. piercing Tomorrow's ears, starting her on rice cereal and juice). It kind of felt like Tomorrow was at daycare while I read the newspaper and the boys played at the Burger King playplace that is right across the street from where the visits take place (you can't do much in an hour and a half during the rush hours). So then, after the visit, Tomorrow's birth mom walked out to the van with me and watched as I got Tomorrow, Moose and Hammy loaded into the van, then the diaper bag, my purse, stroller, et cetera. She commented that it was good for her to "see where she rides" (in her rear-facing carseat with the safety mirror hanging on the seat in front of her, tucked in with a blankie and a babydoll...) and she noticed how much Tomorrow liked Hammy who was making funny faces at her and making her giggle. I told her that Hammy is her favorite person and her hero who always cheers her up when she is fussy or grumpy, and I also confided in her that it was bittersweet for me to see how attached they already are as foster siblings. Nonetheless, I assured her that we would continue to love her as if she was our own and that we would deal with whatever happens. She then told me that she could not ask for a better foster mother, and told me how grateful she is that I am taking care of her daughter like she would if she could. (!!) I teared up big time then but somehow managed to say that it was my honor to take care of her. I don't know why I did what I did next-- maybe because it was snowing-- but I asked her if I could give her a ride home. I have to admit that I was relieved when she said no thanks, she would walk; I don't know where that ride might have taken us nor if it is really a good idea for us to go there. So we said our goodbyes, and when I drove by and waved to her, as she walked home in the snow, I thought about how empty it must feel to go home alone without your children. Although I have occasionally fantasized about not having children, the reality of them not being with me would be more than I think I could bear. In fact, some mornings, when I am so sore I feel as if I cannot get out of bed, I think about Tomorrow's bio mom. I think: if she can get up out of bed and go to work without her kids around, then I can get up and go to work with mine and one of hers here with me to make me laugh and smile often.

So there it is. We have the best possible working relationship as birth mom and foster mom. And you know why? Because we are *both* keeping our egos out of it. We are simply extending the same courtesy we give our family, to one another. We are treating each other the way we want to be treated. We are connected as mothers, through the shared experience of loving Tomorrow. And whether she was solely responsible for what happened to Tomorrow or merely negligent, she is always there for the family visits. She is usually waiting eagerly for her children to arrive. She always brings something for Tomorrow to each visit, everything from bibs and clothes to pacifiers and teethers to shoes that light up. I found out today that she is working two jobs and trying to get herself into a better housing situation. While it may seem to me and many others that her priorities are a bit out of order, she is still making an effort, and it might very well be her best.

Looking back, I can see that I have absolutely made (and am making) the very best out of the worst situation. "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -- Robert Frost

It ain't braggin' if you done it.

I have a dream today!

"I have a dream that one day...little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers."

~ Dr. Martin Luther King

Prayers for Z

My six-week-old nephew is in the hospital with pneumonia *and* RSV. I am beside myself with worry for the poor baby and family, but trying to trust that he's in good hands now that he's in the hospital. He's about the age Tomorrow was when we brought her home from the hospital (she was 5.5 weeks) so I can recall vividly how fragile they seem to be at that age (and I know for sure how sleep deprived parents are with a baby that age, too). They sleep so much at that age, waking just to feed and poop, and it can be hard to tell if they are lethargic or just plain young.

Please send your good vibrations, healing energy, positive thoughts and/or prayers to Baby Z and his mother and father who are not feeling so hot themselves and running on fumes to boot.

Opinions are like...bellybuttons?!

Everybody has one, right? I've changed the key word in the usual saying since this is a family blog, but I'm sure you get my point. Everybody's got one...and some stink more than others!

I am sooo very weary of hearing people's opinions about whether or not we will be able to "keep" Tomorrow. Yes, I'll admit, in the beginning I loved to hear, "OH MY GOD there is no way that her mom is ever going to get that poor baby back!" But now that I've been up and down (and when I say down, I mean down hard) and around and around on the emotional roller coaster of other people's predictions, I want to get off and stay off, thankyouverymuch!

Here are just a few examples of the "expert" (and unsolicited) opinions I get to hear:

People I have met while waiting for various appointments (and at the coffee stand) at Children's Hospital have said everything from A: They have never seen a case this severe in such a young baby and she will not go back to her mom, to Z: They see this all the time and babies usually go back to their moms whenever they accuse dad of the abuse, IF mom leaves dad...

Another foster mom with Ariel told me we will definitely get to keep Tomorrow once the parental rights are terminated, and to hang in there because the visits are just part of the process...

The new foster mom for Tomorrow's sisters (yes, they have already been moved-- which makes me sad again for not taking them) told me she would be willing to take Tomorrow if I'm having problems keeping detached (!!) because she won't and they will all go back to their mom (and, by the way, she claims nearly expert status on the matter because she has been a foster mom for three, count 'em, one two three years). ..

And at Tomorrow's Ortho appointment last week, a Medical Assistant told me that if I was African-American they probably would have already terminated parental rights, but they prefer that African-American babies go to African-American families (why did they have to go and inject race into this campaign? I'm running on the platform that I'm the best woman for the job!)

Honestly, the only person who hasn't made a prediction about how it will turn out is the Case Aide who's been one for over twenty years and would probably have a better idea than anyone but the judge.

It's all in a day's work really, but this aspect of foster parenting definitely was not in our reading or training.

I have learned to give other people as little information as possible (she posts in her blog that can be viewed by millions, LOL) in order to avoid having to hear their speculation. But it does come up and I am still practicing using different ways to diffuse and redirect comments. Any suggestions or techniques others have used in similar situations will be much appreciated.

The truth is, we rarely obsess anymore about whether or not Tomorrow will be part of our forever family (okay, not much). We're now in the phase of pondering what it would be like for her to go from our home where she is attachment parented to another. I struggle with whether some of the things we do with her (E.g. babywearing, sign language) will make it easier or harder for her bio mom to parent her if she is reunified with her.

And speaking of reunification (which is referred to in foster lingo as "RU"), I really do hate to gossip but I have been bursting to spill these good/bad beans: In my most recent conversation with Tomorrow's Guardian, she said that her bio mom is a "long, long way from having alone time with her, let alone even talking about reunification." They are just now in the disposition phase of her trial and she hasn't even begun her treatment plan. Amie wants the bio mom to take parenting classes and get therapy, et cetera. It's good news because it means we'll most likely have little Tomorrow with us for more than a couple more months, but it could be bad news as it potentially means we could be that much more attached to her if she RU's with her birth mom ( and I have pretty much resigned myself to a 'when' and not an 'if'.)

Humanistic me sincerely wants Tomorrow's mom to get her act together and succeed in getting her children back, and in life in general, if only for the benefit of her six daughters who will be shaped by their mother's legacy; but I woud be lying if I said that there isn't a part of me that wouldn't mind if she messed up really badly and her parental rights to Tomorrow were terminated. I sometimes daydream that she realizes how much we have to offer her daughter, relinquishes her parental rights, and tells the judge that he would like for Mike and I to adopt her daughter. I also have nightmares that Tomorrow goes back to her, is abused again, and returns to us for good.

Meanwhile, Tomorrow's bio mom is apparently seeing the man she accused of causing Tomorrow's injuries (we call him Denver Daddy#2), who is not her Baby Daddy after all. Mike took Tomorrow to a Denver Human Services building for a CSI-style swabbing one day, in order to determine paternity...by one of three possible men. So in my mind, the bio mom is headed for disaster any which way you look at it. Either A) she's a sick woman, as she's seeing the man who broke 24 of her baby's bones, or B) she knows he's safe because she caused the injuries herself.

So, in my humble opinion (IMHO), the birth mom has a long road ahead and hasn't begun walking.

You show me your bellybutton and I'll show you mine.

Santa Baby

Here is our little Santa Baby Grrl all dressed up for the Ariel Christmas party in what I call her "getting ready to go on a sleigh ride with Santa" outfit. She was the belle of the ball. Thing is, she's cute in a onesie. (To prove it, Ill be sure to take some photos of her in nothing but a onesie soon!)

Anyway, we had a fun time at this party and many other festivities this season, but mostly we enjoyed staying home, a warm fire in our hearth, and the presence of a baby girl in our home!