Ain't Braggin'

"It ain't braggin' if you done it." If I had a dollar for every time I've heard my stepfather say that...LOL...but he has a right to brag as he's one of the hardest working men I know! He's fighting colon cancer now, and I know someday he'll look back and say he beat cancer. It ain't braggin' if you done it, and I look forward to hearing him brag about how he did it.

I really am not one to toot my own horn, but I will be the first to tell you that being a mom to small children is one of the most challenging (and exhausting) jobs there is. I remember when my Kinesiology instructor in massage school told our class that the two toughest jobs in the world were being a ditch digger and being a caregiver to small children. I wasn't a mom myself yet, although I would find out I was pregnant soon after that lecture and his comments would echo in my mind in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't get back to sleep wondering if I was cut out for motherhood. I'm pretty sure that ditch digging is much more physically demanding than being a mom, but taking care of small children absolutely includes almost constant movement (except when it requires total stillness!); it requires bending, carrying more than 25 (usually screaming and squirming) pounds, lifting, stretching, and standing on ones feet much of the day; it demands emotional, mental, physical and spiritual strength; and most importantly, it calls for endurance and patience. It certainly isn't easy, and I never dreamed it could be so hard.

But I digress...

Today I received one of the best compliments yet in my career as a foster mom, and it reminded me that I still haven't blogged about a very touching experience I had with Tomorrow's biological mom. The county caseworker was here for a home visit. His visits alternate every other month- one month he visits us here in the home and the next month he sees Tomorrow at family visits. "Ben" is a very articulate, kind man who seems to genuinely care about both foster kids *and* bio and foster parents and acts as a professional liason using a team approach in the supervision he provides.

Ben told me that Tomorrow's bio mom cannot say enough good things about me, how Tomorrow is being cared for, how happy she looks at each visit and how cute she is always dressed for the visits! It almost feels like I'm bragging by blogging about this, but I keep thinking to myself: It ain't braggin' if you done it, and I done it!

It felt really, really good to hear that from Ben today. It felt very validating. Of course, I pshaw'd it and I'm still doubtful as this is our very first placement, but he insisted that it is rare for a bio mom to say such positive things about a foster mom. Ben also told me that Tomorrow's birth mom really appreciated the photo album we gave her (with photos of Tomorrow in it) for Christmas. I was surprised she told him about it. I had told her I was working on it but it took me a couple weeks longer than I had planned to get it put together for her; although when I finally did it ended up being the perfect time to give it to her, at the surprise family visit that ended up taking place on Christmas Eve whenever we ended up not going to Missouri. It ain't braggin' if you done it.

So I literally got choked up today, hearing that Tomorrow's bio mom feels so good about her daughter's foster care placement, and while it may be hard to believe I was momentarily at a loss for words. When I found my voice and could speak without squeaking, I told him what happened at a visit in early December when I had to bring both boys as Mike was out of town:

Because I had to bring both boys into the building to drop Tomorrow off for her visit, I brought a stroller. Perhaps because I had Tomorrow in the stroller and wasn't carrying her like I usually am, Tomorrow's mom walked right up to us and hugged me when I walked in. I was taken aback at first but hugged her back. She seemed very excited and said, "Thank you so much for everything you do for her." I remember thinking, either she is on something or she has started therapy! Her sister also said something about how cute she was dressed, and the Case Aide added, "We really appreciate you." That made me feel shy, but also like my heart ballooned to twice its normal size. I felt different while waiting for the visit to be over. I didn't feel a sense of dread about seeing her again and hearing what cockamamie ideas she had for me this time (E.g. piercing Tomorrow's ears, starting her on rice cereal and juice). It kind of felt like Tomorrow was at daycare while I read the newspaper and the boys played at the Burger King playplace that is right across the street from where the visits take place (you can't do much in an hour and a half during the rush hours). So then, after the visit, Tomorrow's birth mom walked out to the van with me and watched as I got Tomorrow, Moose and Hammy loaded into the van, then the diaper bag, my purse, stroller, et cetera. She commented that it was good for her to "see where she rides" (in her rear-facing carseat with the safety mirror hanging on the seat in front of her, tucked in with a blankie and a babydoll...) and she noticed how much Tomorrow liked Hammy who was making funny faces at her and making her giggle. I told her that Hammy is her favorite person and her hero who always cheers her up when she is fussy or grumpy, and I also confided in her that it was bittersweet for me to see how attached they already are as foster siblings. Nonetheless, I assured her that we would continue to love her as if she was our own and that we would deal with whatever happens. She then told me that she could not ask for a better foster mother, and told me how grateful she is that I am taking care of her daughter like she would if she could. (!!) I teared up big time then but somehow managed to say that it was my honor to take care of her. I don't know why I did what I did next-- maybe because it was snowing-- but I asked her if I could give her a ride home. I have to admit that I was relieved when she said no thanks, she would walk; I don't know where that ride might have taken us nor if it is really a good idea for us to go there. So we said our goodbyes, and when I drove by and waved to her, as she walked home in the snow, I thought about how empty it must feel to go home alone without your children. Although I have occasionally fantasized about not having children, the reality of them not being with me would be more than I think I could bear. In fact, some mornings, when I am so sore I feel as if I cannot get out of bed, I think about Tomorrow's bio mom. I think: if she can get up out of bed and go to work without her kids around, then I can get up and go to work with mine and one of hers here with me to make me laugh and smile often.

So there it is. We have the best possible working relationship as birth mom and foster mom. And you know why? Because we are *both* keeping our egos out of it. We are simply extending the same courtesy we give our family, to one another. We are treating each other the way we want to be treated. We are connected as mothers, through the shared experience of loving Tomorrow. And whether she was solely responsible for what happened to Tomorrow or merely negligent, she is always there for the family visits. She is usually waiting eagerly for her children to arrive. She always brings something for Tomorrow to each visit, everything from bibs and clothes to pacifiers and teethers to shoes that light up. I found out today that she is working two jobs and trying to get herself into a better housing situation. While it may seem to me and many others that her priorities are a bit out of order, she is still making an effort, and it might very well be her best.

Looking back, I can see that I have absolutely made (and am making) the very best out of the worst situation. "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -- Robert Frost

It ain't braggin' if you done it.