The TPR hearing is set for March 3, 4 and 6. I am beside myself to say the least. Nonetheless, I am trying very sincerely to stay positive, reading from the Bible and some of my favorite Hazelden daily meditation books each morning, and learning "to trust an unknown future to a known God". (Corrie Ten Boom)
The latest buzz is that the County Case Worker told the other foster mom to start preparing Mara's sisters that they will not be returning home with their mom. I am guessing he did not instruct me to do the same as there is nothing to explain to Mara-- we are the only family she has really known. What would be challenging would be preparing her to return to her mom. I can't even imagine how I would go about doing that. Thank God we have not been asked to help transition her back to Linda.
I haven't been blogging much this month because I have been keeping myself busy, perhaps a bit too busy, doing a lot of home improvement projects that we saved for the Wintertime. But at least I am not overeating or smoking! For now, I am taking some medication (just 10 mg of citalopram) for my anxiety, and it is mostly helping me to sleep all night. That is another reason I am not online much: about the only time I can get online and think straight is after all of the kids are asleep, and I am sleeping at night now! I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know I am a much better mom when I am rested; and since I am now taking Mara on the nights when Mike has to work the next day, Sunday through Thursday, I have to get my sleep.
I imagine it would also be difficult to put my feelings into words right now. It is hard to explain what it is like to wait a year and a half to find out for sure if you will be able to keep your baby to someone who hasn't been through this experience. I think some people just don't know how to act or what to say, and when they ask me if there is anyone I can talk to about my situation it is their way of saying I don't know what to say. The answer is no and yes. No, there is no one else going through what I am as I am a unique individual having a unique life experience. Yes, I can talk to my husband and God. If I bring the subject of adoption or court up or it comes up in our conversation and it makes you uncomfortable just to think about it, then imagine that feeling times a thousand and you might have a tiny inkling of what it feels like for me.
On one hand, I want to live each day with Mara as if it is our last just in case-- but on the other hand, I do not want to create a little Diva! So I strive to strike a balance between having fun all day and teaching her all I can. Her father is not as good about restraining himself from overindulging her. With every trip to the store he returns with something new for her, whether it is a Dora "Singing Sensation" DVD with a inflatable microphone or a plate, bowl and cup set. He can't seem to help himself especially when she is with him. I asked him to get her some jeans from Wal-Mart and he came home with jeans with butterflies and flowers on them that light up, Dora pajamas and a pink pair of sweatpants with flowers and hearts. He continues to buy her Baby Legs (the baby leg warmers) three pairs at a time from babysteals.com (the latest pairs are pink ribbed heather grey, pink striped with heather grey and white, and purple bandana) and he just bought her a pair of weird-looking pink and purple slipper socks (we call them her alien shoes) just because he thought they would be comfortable (sort of like the two new pairs of Bobux leather slippers she already had? LOL)
But I suppose I have been indulging her in my own way. First, I painted a dresser brown and pink for her to match her brown and pink mod circles crib set. Then I painted her toy box, her step stool, a basket for her to keep her board books in, and her wicker hamper. Now her room looks like it has been furnished with boutique furniture and could almost be in a magazine-- her half of the room anyway.
I also painted our bathroom "Tidal Wave" blue, and we painted the family room "Sky Blue" including the ceilings! Both rooms look very nice and are soothing to be in.
Next is the kitchen which I want to paint "Watermelon" (a pinkish red like the inside of a watermelon). And then it is on to the kids' bedrooms. We want to have all of the painting down before Spring when we pretty move outside for six months!
I've also been keeping busy with Wii Fit. I started doing it on January 11 and was horrified to find that my Wii Fit Age was 57. Not that there is anything wrong with being 57-- I just don't want to be 57 when I am 36! I lowered my Wii Fit Age to 37 by January 25, which is only a year more than my actual age. I strive for 20 to 30 minutes of yoga, aerobics, strength training and balance games almost every day, and sometimes do as much as 45. Eventually I want to get to where I am doing a Body Test and at least 30 minutes of training each day. I've unlocked every single yoga pose and Wii Fit Yoga been very good for my body and spirit-- but I'm also really good at the Super Hula Hoop! Mike and Liam are VERY competitive and I will admit that having competition does keep me striving to get better at different activities. So far I am the Zen Master at the Lotus Focus but I don't think I am winning at anything else!
I hope this month has found you living up to your resolutions, or at least resolving to not make ones that you cannot or will not keep next year.
I will keep you posted on any developments and post some new pix ASAP.
