Crying it out

Bear with me as I am having "a moment". I have signed into email and chat and called those I felt would be able to listen, but can't get ahold of anyone so here goes...

I have been crying all morning. I can't seem to turn off the waterworks. I can't even seem to find the handle. I don't know what is going on. I think it has to do with the meeting here Monday. I think it is because "They" feel like this case is moving toward reunification that I am pulling back again. I feel like I did when Bio Mom showed up for a few visits in a row, something other people predicted she wouldn't do...I felt my heart crumbling away a bit.

I am raising someone else's baby. Do you have any idea how hard that is? I am doing all the dirty work-- diaper changes, feedings every few hours, still only sleeping a few hours at a time. And yes, we have tried everything to extend her sleeping times at night, except for letting her cry it out (CIO). It's all in a day's work for us parents, but when you don't know if you will get to reap the rewards or taste fruits of your labor, it makes it somehow even more of a thankless job than usual. I can't say, "Oh, it's really hard now, but it will be so worth it when the three of them are performing a play in three acts for me someday, in a couple of years if I'm lucky." There are no gaurantees, and it feels like I am getting the short end of the stick at times.

Sure I am getting to see all the glorious firsts, but this is not what I signed up for and I have been sticking it out anyway. I am watching my own kids bond to this baby, and my husband, too...and she loves him SOOO MUCH...yesterday she actually said, I am NOT kidding and I have TWO witnesses: "I need, I need, I need Daddy!" and when he gets home she says "HE! HE!" as if to say, "HE IS HERE!" and if he goes to put away his cell phone, keys, and wallet in his bathroom closet or do ANYTHING but scoop her up the instant he sees her, she is FRANTIC. We finally have the Daddy's Girl we've always wanted, but it's bittersweet at best to watch them fall so deeply in love. It's actually painful for me to watch the living pieces of my heart that are walking around give their hearts away, too, when it ought to be one of the big joys of a mother's life.

Right now, I just can't see that this is going to end in a way that is pleasant.

So I called DH this morning and left him a message telling him I think we need to give the agency our 30 days notice that we cannot take care of Baby Grrl anymore, before we get more attached because it is clear that the County is going to push for her to go back to some faction of her so-called family, and I simply CANNOT imagine being any more attached when that happens. {Some people could argue that I let myself get too attached by attachment parenting and babywearing and et cetera, but I honestly do not think I would have been able to love someone else's baby without those practices. I even think that is perhaps why so many foster kids are abused by foster parents...because the foster parents ARE NOT bonded to the foster babies/children.}

Anyway, after I hung up I started bawling and the kids comforted me and told me we CANNOT give Baby Grrl to ANYONE else because she is too cute and they will help me and they don't care that I cannot spend all my time with them by day, and they can teach themselves and they will make their own pancakes tomorrow, et cetera. So I let them comfort me and hug me and kiss me until they decided that they needed to go out in the back yard and, using their trusty Guide to Animal Tracks, conclusively and finally identify that E.T. has in fact been walking around in our yard at night {and if you argue any other point, DS2 will call you "penis breath", from the movie}.

THANK GOODNESS since I started writing this, my rational DH has called and talked some sense to me, got me down off my ledge that I like to go out on for some reason, and of course he also came up with a three-fold plan for making things easier for me that includes but is not limited to: him taking the baby at night, since he can go right back to sleep after giving her a bottle and I cannot; him having breakfast set up for the boys so they can serve themselves; and him and I taking turns watching the baby for an hour in the evening while the other one homeschools with the boys. We even came up with a plan for doing Art, Math, Reading, Spelling, & Writing on specific days. His plans are all-ways the best, because they are based in reality, and not the idyllic fantasy of childhood I would like to somehow magically create out of dirt and dust {and I manage to do it somedays, too! but it isn't sustainable}.

We implemented a bedtime routine after a few months of chaos with a new baby, and it has been AMAZING. We take turns doing it {and DS1 will never let us forget whose night it is} but we now start the process at 8{ish} and the boys are even PUTTING THEMSELVES TO SLEEP after only a few weeks of doing it consistently {although DS1 will tell you he is putting them to sleep}. They go to sleep now after just two books {I used to read unlimited books 'til they fell asleep} and one book on CD/tape.

I am truly blessed to have such a supportive and wonderful husband, and I would definitely not be able to survive this experience with my heart, soul and sanity mostly intact without him. In fact, if I was a single mama trying to be a foster parent, I probably would've given up after only a few weeks AND ended up on a major anti-depressant for quitting before I even gave the poor baby a fair chance, too.

It's quite possible I am simply not cut out for this type of work, and I may end up on an anti-depressant anyway. I do have a herstory of depression {and yes, our Placement Coordinator knew that and it was noted in every.single.questionnaire I filled out} with one major depressive episode and a bad relapse when I worked in social services and was very stressed out working 70 hours a week and on call 24/7.

At the very least, next time {if there is a next time} I will only agree to take in a baby/child who is "legal risk" with termination of parental rights being almost a certainty, if not in process. And as much as I love them, I think I am just getting too old and arthritic for babies. The thought of a one- or two-year-old coming to us who eats solid food and sleeps through the night sounds more do-able.

And so I exhale. I will put away the laptop, splash some warm water on my face, and go outdoors to be under the sun with my children who love me just the way I am.

"Thank you for hearing me." ~ Sinead O' Connor