The Prophet

A voice cannot carry the tongue and lips that gave it wings. Alone it must seek the ether. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Lately, I have been reading The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran over and over again. Mine is a small copy, small enough to fit in my pocket, and I find myself wanting to take it with me wherever I go. I am sure some of you have felt this way about your bibles.

"Of all the books of this author, The Prophet has perhaps the widest appeal. Because of its immense popularity since its publication in 1923, it is offered in this companionable format." (See? I'm not the only one who has felt like taking it everywhere with me! That is actually why it is available in a travel size!)

The Chicago Post said of it: "Truth is here; truth expressed with all the music and beauty and idealism of a Syrian untouched by the harshness of life. Cadenced and vibrant with feeling, the words of Kahlil Gibran bring to one's ears the majestic rhythm of Ecclesiastes..."


It probably won't surprise you that the chapter I have been reading over and over again is the one on Children.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

Oh, let my bending be for gladness!

Sincerely, The bow that is stable (usually)

Yes, and...

First of all, we got a call from Mara's Guardian Ad Litem yesterday evening and her perspective is that this case is definitely moving towards termination and adoption! The concurrent plans for adoption were not put into place yesterday but will be at the next permanency planning hearing in 90 days. Yes, again we wait. But, we are getting used to it. I heard Mike Myers say, on The View today, Hell is 'No, but' and Heaven is 'Yes, and'. The answers to our biggest questions right now are Yes, and... Yes, Mara is safe and there is a good chance we will have the honor of keeping her safe for the rest of her life (or at least ours).

I apologize if I got some of you excited, but it turns out yesterday was not a permanency planning hearing but rather a hearing for the parents mostly regarding visitation. Apparently they will be resuming visits between the dad and the girls who are his-- Mara still does not have to meet with him as the county/court does not view him as a psychological father to her-- and Mara will no longer have visits with her older sisters. For the time being, she will only have visits with her birth mom.

So they now think Mara may have been left her in the care of the three teenage girls and that dad may have been demonstrating/encouraging/teaching his bio kids how to abuse the ones who weren't his bios. That would be Mara, Monet (4) and Tiffany (16) although she has not said she was being abused. She is clearly very delayed and has always seemed depressed to me. Because the younger girls (Monet and Iyana) have made allegations that the older girls were participating in the abuse and may have been responsible for Mara's injuries, Mara will no longer have visits with them.

Did I mention that Mara will not be visiting with her teenage sisters?!?!?!

The team approach process to staffing through meetings with the CM, CW, and GAL has thus far been very empowering. When I brought up at the staffing meeting on Tuesday, that I was concerned about the new allegations and wanted to know why Mara had to meanwhile have visits with all of the teenagers, I could have sworn that the case worker said that she would have to continue visits with her sisters because the county needs to be able to show that it has done everything it could to support the family. I brought it up because I knew there were allegations that the teenage sisters had participated in her abuse, and I could not fathom how the county could allow her to continue to visit with them if they may have been responsible for her 24 broken bones (and who knows what other horrible acts that did not leave marks).

I am supposed to be able to reassure Mara that she will be safe in the weekly visits. It may not seem to be an issue yet since some may not think she understands what is going on or what we say, but anyone who thinks that just hasn't met Mara! She is an amazingly perceptive little girl-- perhaps especially so because of what she has endured-- and she seems to be as sensitive to the happenings around her as my attached/breastfed/co-slept babies were.

Anyway, this is the third time that something I have brought up or straight up proposed has been put into place, and I am beginning to feel that my input is more valuable than most foster parents may realize. When I mentioned that the 4 and 7 year old girls might need to be split up for therapeutic purposes, they explored that option and even went so far as to ask me which girl I would take and to ask the other foster mother if she preferred one of the sisters (she goes back and forth on that-- something I can relate to as a mother!). When I asked the GAL if it would be possible for mom to get custody of the 3 older girls but not the 3 younger ones, the case went that direction like the.very.next.day at court and that was when they begin transitioning the older girls back home and discussing why mom may not get the younger girls back, or at least not for a very long time. I think that our input as foster parents can be invaluable to the CPA/DHS and I encourage other foster parents to keep notes and to stay tuned into their feelings and pay attention to the little thigns that can say a lot (E.g. Mom said Mara was "nosy and greedy" at a visit when she was wanting to look in boxes of candy the girls got and wanted drinks they had).

I am also beginning to realize that I almost have a spidey sense about all of this human services stuff. I can pretty much predict how Linda is going to react and could almost write out exactly what will be said at the next visit word for word.

Speaking of which...Linda's behavior before and after the visits has become very unpleasant and I have asked Ken to speak with Linda about her negative attitude at the visits as I feel like it sets the tone for the visit and gets the girls all riled up, and that Mara can sense when she is tense (and especially when I am).

On our end, we have decided among other things to park just past and further away from the front doors of the building where the visits take place (such a simple solution to what was becoming a complicated problem!) so that Linda will not be walking right by our van on her way up to the building. What has been happening is that she would walk by and naturally she would see us and stop and say hi and start talking; and then it was only a matter of minutes until she was saying very negative things usually involving curse words about DHS or the case worker or the stupid classes she has take about domestic violence (even though she insists she wasn't a victim of domestic violence because she hits her men back)-- and of course the boys are in the back of the van with their ears opened just as wide as they will go.

It's almost a dilemma that Linda sees me as a friend. While the humanistic me does feel compassion and empathy for her as a human being and a sister/mother, I am not her friend and I will simply stop going to the visits completely if need be. As it is, Mike has to do the drop offs because I cannot take it. It is not that I want him to be the bad guy, and for Mara to trust him less (if anything she probably feels better at the transfer with him because he is less upset than I am) -- and you can think I am being selfish or a wimp, I don't care. I need to be the one who picks her up at the end of the visit and tells her "See? You were safe! Mike said you'd be safe and you were!" (Thank you, LynnJoy!) Also, that is often when the Case Aide will mention that we do not have a visit next week, or Linda will say she's bringing ____ et cetera, and I tend to be the one who manages all of the scheduling/shoes.

I am The Keeper of the Sandals, The Matcher of the Outfits, and The Doer of the Hair.

Mike is The Baby Thrower and Catcher, The Moby Wrap-Wearing Mobile Nap Unit, and The One Who Gets up With Baby at 4 a.m. While She Walks Around Babbling a New Word and Playing With Toys.

We both change diapers and wash bottles. We can both put her to sleep equally as easily. We take turns taking her at night. But I am abso fably The Mommy and he is def The Daddy!

Perpetual Schadenfreude

We had a visit from our Case Manager with Ariel Clinical Services today. Her name is Jodi by the way, and we have a great rapport with her. She's funny, young, and gorgeous and Liam has his first crush on her! The boys both work extra hard on elaborate coloring book pages for her when they know she is coming over. Even the dog goes nutso when he sees her. Our visits are more like play dates or tea time, and she usually visits us on Fridays because she says it's a nice break from the usual home visits after a long week of stress. She has even brought her dog Jack over to meet Feenix! And she has also offered to babysit Mara so we can go out sometime, because she understands why we are very reluctant to leave her with just anyone.

So anyway, while Jodi was here today, she called the County Case Worker (Ken) to set up a staffing meeting which will again be held in our home on June 24th (note to self: clean chair legs). Then she filled me in on what is going on with the case with regard to the recent allegations and the second questioning of the two sisters...

#1: At the next Permanency Planning hearing on June 26th, Denver County will be putting in place a formal plan of concurrent adoption for Mara! This means that if and when her parental rights are terminated, there will already be a plan in place for adoption (which I'm guessing we will be working on in the meantime). Even though we thought it was the law that there be two plans in place for all foster children-- one for reunification and one for adoption-- apparently it is rarely the case in Denver County. Ken said they usually wait until TPR is imminent and then start working up the adoption plan. As usual, this is "no guarantee" that we will be able to adopt Mara, but it is definitely another step in that direction. It will ultimately be up to the judge. However, at this time...

#2: Denver County and the GAL (Guardian Ad Litem..."Guardian Angel Light") will be recommending TPR, and...

#3: Denver County will also recommend that Mara not be adopted or placed in foster care with her four and seven year old sisters. Allegedly, they are both exhibiting a lot of really disturbing and violent behavior. Which could be signs of how damaged they are, and how extensive was their own abuse-- though they have thus far denied being abused-- but also could be signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder, or RAD, since this is their third foster home. Either way, Denver County will argue that Mara be allowed to maintain visits with them but not live with her sisters at this time.

As always, good news for us means bad news for Mara's bio mom and perhaps even her sisters. It's impossible for me to feel truly happy about anything with regard to Mara's custody situation-- even when it is what I think is in her best interest-- when I know it involves a mother possibly losing her (hopefully last) baby girl.

She claims she didn't know she was being hurt. She says it happened when she was at work. She is at every visit, and she is never late. She often comes with clothes, shoes, a snack or a stuffed animal for Mara. She buys clothes in the next size up because she knows that she will outgrow today's adorable outfit before I have purchased tomorrow's. She practically runs to the van to get Mara when we pull up to the building. And I can see the pain in her eyes whenever Mara doesn't want to go to her at the start of a visit or jumps into my arms at the end of a visit.

My success at adopting a daughter is her failure as a mother.

So how can I ever rejoice?

per·pet·u·al /pərˈpɛtʃuəl/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[per-pech-oo-uhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. continuing or enduring forever; everlasting.
2. lasting an indefinitely long time: perpetual snow.
3. continuing or continued without intermission or interruption; ceaseless: a perpetual stream of visitors all day.
4. blooming almost continuously throughout the season or the year.
–noun
5. a hybrid rose that is perpetual.
6. a perennial plant.
[Origin: 1300–50; late ME perpetuall < L perpetuālis permanent, equiv. to perpetu(us) uninterrupted (per- per- + pet-, base of petere to seek, reach for + -uus deverbal adj. suffix) + -ālis -al1; r. ME perpetuel < MF < L as above]

—Related forms
per·pet·u·al·i·ty, per·pet·u·al·ness, noun
per·pet·u·al·ly, adverb

—Synonyms 1. permanent, enduring. See eternal. 3. continuous, incessant, constant, unending, uninterrupted.
—Antonyms 1. temporary. 3. discontinuous.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

scha·den·freu·de /ˈʃɑdnˌfrɔɪdə/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[shahd-n-froi-duh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.
[Origin: 1890–95; < G, equiv. to Schaden harm + Freude joy]
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

It's Just My 19th Nervous Breakdown

The night before last I was the victim of yet another emotional trainwreck. After putting Mara to sleep for the third time, I was struck with uncontrollable crying. This time, I even went so far as to wake Mike up at 2 a.m. to tell him that I do not want to adopt Mara and that I want to give Ariel Clinical Services my thirty days notice (to move Mara to another home) by September. I had a good list of reasons, too (altho' I cannot remember more than one of them now, as I've slept since then).

It's just so hard being Mara's buh mah muh, that's all. She's a classic 'high need', persistent baby (I seem to collect them), she's at a reeeally challenging age, we aren't sleeping much between her teething and walking, and we don't know what's going on with her custody. But it's the same old story, so why do I keep having these nervous breakdowns? They are not related to my monthly cycle (thanks for asking), but do seem to coincide with periods of severe sleep deprivation. All I know is, they didn't cover this in our "CORE" training classes!

The Kitchen Sink

Now that this blog is private, I thought I'd share some classic snapshots of Mara in the kitchen sink! She grew out of her infant bath thingy and isn't quite ready for bathing in the new bigger, deeper tub without some sort of plastic apparatus, so it was back to the kitchen sink. She expressed her obvious joy to be back in the sink again with much splashing and squealing and by grabbing everything in her reach, which is why the counter around the sink looks like we have just moved in to the house. Normally, there's a cactus, coffee maker, frog spoon rest and various scrubbers right by the sink.

Anyway, thank you for following me to this "members only" mode where I won't have to worry about whether it is legal for me to post pictures of Mara online-- and see, I can call her Mara again instead of "Baby Grrl"! Plus, I can fill you in all the latest news...it seems like I have so much to share that I am about to burst!

For starters, weekly visits with mom and the three older sisters have been suspended for the four and seven year old girls, because they are reconvening a forensic investigation team for one more round of interviews. There have not only been allegations of sexual abuse (SA) by the husband, but now the girls are saying that older sisters participated in SA and physical abuse, possibly even having to do with Mara's injuries. So a Detective, Forensic SA Investigator, the GAL and Denver County Case Worker will meet with the girls and their current (third) foster mother for one more round of interviewing..."their last shot" as the Case Worker put it.

Another development is that I was asked if we are still interested in adopting Mara if her parental rights are terminated. I said YES of course! And Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) was mentioned at least four times at the home visit last Wednesday, even though the Case Worker said the case is still "very up in the air" and almost hinges on what the two sisters say in their testimony. He still insists that Mara will be in foster care for "a long time" and "at least six more months".

And finally, all three of the teenage sisters are back home with mom, living in a small apartment. Luckily, there are two bathrooms. The girls seemed wild as always tonight, the mom looks happier, and the oldest girl who is sixteen updates me on things having to do with school E.g. what grades she ended up getting. The other two girls failed out of almost all of their classes and one of them is in Truancy School. She will most likely be in ninth grade again next year with her sister who ought to be in twelfth...it's very sad. The Case Worker referred to them as being "lost causes" and I just wanted to slap him (then I felt like crying, because I know he is somewhat right). I had suspected that they were trying to get the three older girls home with mom and then get the ball rolling on TPR'ing with the three younger girls, and now as it unfolds it's so horrifying. The reality is that very few foster or adoptive parents want teenage black girls who skip school to have sex.

Mara's mom, whose name is Linda by the way, told me tonight that it was her best visit with Mara ever. Probably because she is at a really cute age (one of my very favorite ages...I just adore curious and independent nine month olds!) and the four and seven year old girls were not around to compete for Mom's attention. Mara insists on being the center of the universe at all times, and of course she always is around our house! We ALL dote on her, even the dog does. It's really kind of disgusting. I realized when my youngest sister, her husband and six month old nephew were over on Sunday, that Mara is our princess and we may need to start treating her like a normal little girl at some point or we will have a real diva on our hands! It has been so easy to indulge her, what with all that she has been through and overcome.

Did I mention that Mara has TWO TEETH which emerged SIMULTANEOUSLY and that she is WALKING?!?! She was walking about a week before she was nine months old! She is AMAZING! We absolutely love to watch her grow and learn, especially as she uses baby signs. She signs for all done, bottle, bye-bye, hi, I can't hear you, and up (which looks a bit like almost falling over backwards and is accompanied by "bup! bup!")

Well, that's all the news that's fit to print. My heart feels like I'm on a high wire constantly. Our life is so enmeshed with this little baby girl's that I cannot imagine her being with anyone else but us-- I AM HER "BABA MAMA" FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!-- but we'll see what happens. Bio Mom goes back to court June 26-- and asked me to go and speak up for her-- but I am not sure if that is a Permanency Planning hearing or what. I would think that if it was, we would have received a letter about it again, but I don't know for sure so I will have to call the GAL and find out.

I have been asked to keep taking detailed notes about visits and conversations with mom and the sisters. My journal may be subpoenaed at some point, and that's another reason it's crucial for this blog to be a place of protected speech for me.

Stay tuned, dear readers! And more than ever, thank you for listening.