SIX months, really?

Wow, I never thought I would go this long without blogging here, but so much has happened and my heart and mind have been busy elsewhere.

First and foremost, we've been enjoying just being a family and not fostering MJ anymore. It's indescribable the relief I feel at knowing that she will always be a part of our family, and that we will get to guide and protect her as she grows into the amazing person she is going to be.

Secondly, we took in another baby, Sasha, on October 24, 2010, when she was only two days old. She was born to Shantell C. Alire on October 22, weighing 5 pounds. Because we are no longer licensed as a foster family, I am posting the information I have about her birth mother (from her tiny hospital bracelet which is still in the top drawer of my bedside table) in hopes of someday being able to know how she is doing and see how much she has grown and hopefully thrived. I could write an entire book about how much I bonded with that baby girl in the six weeks she was with us, but for now, suffice to say that my heart was utterly broken by that experience and I decided I could never put my family or my self through the loss of a baby again. It drove such a wedge between my husband and I that we separated and are still working on repairing our marriage. We're still not truly together as husband and wife but we're both going to 12-step support groups and are trying to figure out how exactly we've gotten to the point that we're at in our marriage.

Finally, as most of you who read this blog know, my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last Fall and gave up his fight on January 9. I think we are all still coming to terms with the enormous loss of the patriarch of the family, and I know it's going to take some time to adjust to not having him here with us in body. He will all-ways be with us in our hearts and we have so many wonderful memories with him and photographs by him for which we are so very grateful.

So that's why I haven't written for six months.

How are you?

And Foster Baby Makes Six?

It sounds like crazy making, and it is!

Today we did our annual update to renew our therapeutic foster family license so we are still an open home for a baby or child in foster care. And all I would have to do is call the Placement Coordinator at Ariel and tell her we want to go on the openings list if we decided we want to open our home to another baby or child in foster care. (Like say, for instance, a sister for Tomorrow.)

I had texted the Placement Coordinator, "Rochelle", that I didn't want to renew our license -- I have my hands full with raising up the three kids we have, especially with Tomorrow starting homepreschool this year --but of course she called me and in her sweet little voice somehow talked me into staying licensed. She told me about another family we know that thought they were done (they've adopted three or four kids from foster care) and then had a change of heart and decided a few months later that they wanted to adopt another child from foster care. They're in the process of re-applying and they have to do EVERYTHING over again. Like I said, we know the family -- they also homeschool, and we cared for a three-month-old baby boy one weekend that they ended up adopting -- and if they could change their mind I know we could, too.

In my heart of hearts, I don't feel that our family is complete. Mike and I have talked a lot about having two boys and two girls, with the utopian vision that it would bring more balance or symmetry to the siblings. Our thinking is that each child would have a sister (or two) and a brother (or two); and, theoretically, there would be no middle child (or two of them?!) and every one would always have a buddy. You know, for amusement park rides and boarding Noah's Ark and other such important life events.

No but seriously, while she tries her darnedest to keep up with her big brothers, Tomorrow is often left out of activities that the boys engage in for which she's deemed too young to do. Or, more often than not, she simply wants to do things that they don't enjoy, such as dancing ballet and playing with dolls. She has told us herself that she wants a sister who will play in her room with her. When she recently saw her baby cousin from Missouri who is a girl, she told me "I wan one uh doze bay-bee gulls, Momma." Even the boys have said they wish we could have another baby *if* it is a girl. Mike can hardly stand to hold babies he wants another one so badly. And I won't lie, I've got baby fever something awful with a ticking biological time bomb about to go off.

Someday, when I'm ready, I may make that call to Rochelle. I've given away all the baby clothes and cloth diapers, so I'd have to start all over again, but I have the basics that every baby needs: tireless arms for holding, a mei tai for babywearing, and a penchant for singing lullabies.

You may think I'm crazy for even thinking about having another child, and you're right.

I'm crazy about babies and children.

Tomorrow is ours forever.

Of course I meant to blog on the day we adopted our daughter. Yet somehow, after two years, eight months and five days of fighting, hoping, and praying that she would be able to officially become a part of our family, once she did it just felt like the most natural thing in the world.

It was as if the last piece of a very difficult and frustrating puzzle was placed. It's always easy, effortless really, to stick in the last piece of a puzzle. It's those very first pieces that are challenging, when all you have is a picture of how the finished puzzle will look. Individual pieces can look so strange by themselves. Sometimes it can seem as if they don't even belong. But once you get going -- perhaps by first finding the four corners and then doing all of the edge pieces -- you can watch as the picture begins to fill in.

June 16, 2010 was a great day. I woke up to my daughter giving me hugs and kisses and talking about our wedding. When we first told her about adopting her, she asked me if she was getting married to Daddy. I started to correct her, but decided it was cute that she thought she was getting married. We told her she was getting married to Daddy and Mommy, and her brothers, whom she refers to as her "guys".

Tomorrow knew that Wednesday was going to be a very special day as we had been talking about it the week leading up to it. The day before, she became very excited with all of the talk of "tomorrow". We would say, "WOW! We are getting married TOMORROW!" Or "I can't believe we are FINALLY going to be adopting you tomorrow!" and she would smile this incredibly sweet smile and bat her eyelashes and say something like "I know" or "I marry Nick? I marry Maggie, too?" (She persistently asked to marry my friend Nick and the cat, and to bring the cat to the wedding.)

Since the hearing wasn't until three, my sister and her husband and my nephew came to our house for lunch first. My sweet sister brought a plant for me, a gift for Tomorrow, a card, a CD she had made, toe "wedding" rings for all of us and bubbles to blow after the hearing. She is so very thoughtful and I was very grateful that she and her family was able to be present with us that day. They have been closer to Tomorrow than any other family members, and it meant a lot to all of us to have them there. Also, my sister read a poem which I will paste below later.

So after the busy-ness of getting three kids and two adults ready, plus lunch and a skipped nap for Tomorrow, we headed to the city. It was really warm in Denver. We arrived early at the courthouse in the City and County Building. It was nerve-wracking waiting for it to be our turn. I was glad that we were able to have the hearing in the same courtroom with the same judge who ordered the termination of her parental rights, making it possible for us to adopt her. I told the judge afterward that I really felt like it brought a complete closure for us to adopt her in the same physical space where I had shed so many tears (upon hearing so many sad stories of Tomorrow and her sister's and biological parent's lives). In the courtroom where one family was sadly dissolved, another family was joyfully created. That was more than just a formality.

I believe we can request a formal record of Tomorrow's adoption, including the full court transcript, but for now I have photos and videos taken by my friend Nick. It was a short and light-hearted hearing. The judge asked everyone present to introduce ourselves. Then he had all of us stand and take an oath to tell the whole truth. After that the professionals spoke on the record, saying that they thought it was a good placement and that Tomorrow should be adopted by us. The judge asked Mike and I if we were prepared to take on the full responsibility of raising Tomorrow, including teaching her to drive, helping her find a church, and paying for her college. We both agreed to accept that responsibility.

At this point the judge included Tomorrow's brothers in the hearing by asking them if they wanted to adopt her. Thankfully, they both said they did. He said becoming a brother was a big responsibility and that their responsibility was to drive their sister crazy. Then he said that it was her responsibility to drive them crazy. (I could've done without this portion of the hearing!)

Next, the judge asked the boys if there was anything they didn't like to eat. Moose immediately answered "pickles". The judge clarified that he had said pickles, and Moose nodded and added "And mustard." The judge asked Hammy what he didn't like to eat, and he also said pickles. So the judge ordered that for one week the boys did not have to eat pickles or mustard. They got a kick out of that, and they have both made sure that we kept to it.

Finally, the judge asked if there was anything else we wanted to say, and my sister read a poem to our family. I've shared part of it here before, but here it is in its entirety:

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

But seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

As living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

And He bends you with His might

That His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

So He loves also the bow that is stable.

That was a really appropriate poem for that day, and I am so happy that it's part of the court record of Tomorrow's adoption! I cannot express how much it meant to me that my sister was not only there, but willing to stand up and read a poem to our family on our "wedding day".

That was pretty much the whole of the ceremony. We had said we were going to write vows to exchange with Tomorrow, but we didn't. We had hoped that many more family members and friends would have been able to attend, but they weren't. Present that day were: Mike and I, Hammy, Moose, Tomorrow, Uncle B, Aunt J, Cousin W, Pediatrician Dr. Kiki, Clinical Case Manager Michelle, Adoption Worker Donna, and Nick. It was short and sweet, and when it was over we went outside and had hugs and took photos and blew bubbles in the parking lot.

In short, the day was nothing like I had thought it would be, and so much better.

It ended with me singing Little Star by Madonna:

Never forget who you are

Little star

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

God gave a present to me

Made of flesh and bones

My life, My soul

You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are

Little star

Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

Never forget where you came from

From love

You are a treasure to me

You are my star

You breathe

New life

Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are

Little star

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

May the angels protect you

And sadness forget you

Little star

There's no reason to weep

Lay your head down to sleep

Little star

May goodness surround you

My love

I have found you

Little star

Shining bright

And also My Darling Child by Sinead O' Connor:

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
You came and saved me

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
God gave you to me

Me little ninja
Me little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me lovely grrl
Me lovely babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy
Me little wolf
Me little lamby
My favourite girl
My angel babby
Me love me grrl
Me love me babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy

My darling child

My darling baby

My darling child

You gave life to me

And then I tucked in our precious little girl, in her beautiful princess bed, for the first night of the rest of our lives together. It was just like any other night really, which is why it was perfect.

Ten Days Til Forever!

Only ten days and a wake-up until Princess Tomorrow is officially our daughter! After all this time (over two and a half years), it seems so surreal but not at all anti-climactic.

I feel lighter every time I don't have to reschedule a home visit with an adoption worker or case manager, and realize that after June 16 we can travel out of state without permission. I know these are little details, but when they are all piled up being a foster parent can feel more like being an arm of the state than a parent.

I know many other little things will change for the better, but the biggest thing that will change is that Tomorrow will be OURS. She will belong to US! I don't care anymore if that sounds like we think we own her. SHE WILL FINALLY BE A MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY. She will have our last name. She will be Hammy and Moose's little sister, and the grand-daughter of six loving grandparents. Most children are born into these relationships, hers have been hard-won.

And in the end, it will have been worth every single hassle and all the days we learned to take as they came. Thank you for holding space for me on those days when I angrily fought the process. Thank you for encouraging and supporting me, reminding me that it would be worth it and that one day she would be safe with us forever. You were right, and I learned to let go A LOT and trust a little more.

Now, back to searching online for a dress I can wear to the ceremony. I've already found the perfect pink taffeta dress for Tomorrow!

Writing Down The Bones

I have officially begun writing the book about our journey toward adopting Tomorrow. Initially I thought I would call it Fostering Tomorrow, so that fostering would be in the title. Now, I am almost certain that the title will be Adopting Tomorrow. There can always be a subtitle to explain that it is about foster-adoption. I like the sound of Adopting Tomorrow, and the fact that it is a play on words since I have used Tomorrow as a nickname for our daughter in my blog.

I almost put Adopting Tomorrow as the title of this blog, but I thought if someone saw it in their Inbox or something they might get way too excited, thinking it was an email about how we are *adopting tomorrow*! Writing Down The Bones is also one of my favorite books by one of my favorite writers, Natalie Goldman, who essentially taught me how to write the way that I do, through her workshops and her writings. Long Quiet Highway is another one of her books that is excellent, especially if one is a writer. I guess books about writers for writers is a pretty tight market, but it works!

So I have a question for you, my dearest readers, and it may take me a few sentences to get to it so please be patient. As I embarked on writing this book, I have to say that the most difficult task so far was simple beginning the first chapter. This is not to say that writing the first chapter was hard, because it wrote itself really, once I let go and let it flow through me. What was difficult was just *starting* it. Where to begin? And how to explain what the book is going to be about without giving away the entire story and leaving the reader no reason to keep reading?

Which just made me think of something! If the title is *Adopting* Tomorrow, the reader knows we already adopted her. They may still be somewhat interested in how the story unfolds, but for the most part the question that has been paramount in *my* mind for going on a third year now has been: Will we be able to adopt her? And of course, when? Perhaps I will use the title Fostering Tomorrow after all. Definitely thought for food.

Anyway, back to the question (see I told you it'd take me a while to get to it!): Would you read a book that was basically just this blog in the chronological order, with some notes here and there in between entries, to fill in any missing pieces?

My niece recently self-published a book about homeschooling, and it is essentially a blog of her experience going to public school for some classes after being homeschooled her whole life. I enjoyed the format, but I enjoy blogging and reading blogs. I'm not sure that the style would appeal to everyone. But of course, that would be the case no matter what style I decided to use so I guess what I should do is make sure that whatever writing style I go with is one that feels right to me.

I definitely want to write in the first person, and cannot imagine telling this particular story any other way. I am the one who has been the blogger, medical records-keeper, note-taker, photographer, slam poet and story-teller of this little girl's life. Which is not to say that others have not been involved, as so many people have been very involved in her story (and in rewriting it). All I mean is that I am the one who has the tale to tell -- though it is not my tale -- and I tell it for her, for kids like her, and for the parents like me who will read it, too.

In summary, my question to you who may read it is this: Should I write my book as... 1.) A blog in book form, composed solely of blog entries that are here and nothing more (which is already written); 2.) Part blog, part story; or, 3.) A story, told in chapter form with quotes added here and there.

Please vote early and vote often!
As always, thanks in advance.