Social Workers are neither social nor workers: discuss.

I'm so fed up with Ariel Clinical Services~ our CPA (Child Protective Agency)~ and the Denver DHS (Department of Human Services). They are NEITHER protective nor service-oriented.

The first time the Adoption Worker came over to visit, she asked me at the end of the visit, if I had any questions. I said, "Yes, just one: WHEN can we ADOPT our daughter?"

Specifically, I asked if it would be possible for us to adopt her on National Adoption Day, November 21. I waited a week for her to get back to me. When I called her she said she didn't know about it but she would "look into it" (I think that means blink and then forget I asked about it).

So I called the Case Manager at our CPA, Ariel. I asked her what is the holdup, what do we have to do? Where are we at in this process? And did someone drop a ball somewhere? So she said she would "look into it" and get back to me. I waited a week for HER to call me. Then I called both of them and tried to get them to talk to each other in a 3-way call. Oh no, they are too busy right now, one of them will call me when she in the office in two days, and the other one doesn't have the paperwork in front of her right now, so she will have to look at it and see "where we are at".

Finally about TWO WEEKS LATER, I find out that agency #1 has done the Certified Adoptive Homestudy, and agency #2 has done the Presentation of the Child, so the only thing left to do is "Subsidy Paperwork". THEN the two of them argue about whose job it is to do the paperwork. "Normally, the county does it" one says, and the other says exactly the opposite! "Normally the CPA does it, whoever you get your monthly check from, but I am not sure..." (she says she is "not really sure" way too often if you ask me~ and while I appreciate her honesty, maybe she could call a superior and LEARN HOW TO DO HER JOB!)

What is this subsidy anyway, and can we just decline it? I ask. It's money the state will continue giving us each month after we adopt her. I didn't know we would get another dime after adopting her. It's not as much as your foster care stipend, they tell me, but it's something. Because by adopting her we are taking the burden of her care off of the state.

So for that, you might think they would bend over backwards to push paperwork through as soon as possible, so kids can be adopted as quickly as possible and they can save more money. That's what I thought anyway. We would like to adopt her on National Adoption Day, which is November 21. (Well, for some reason it's on November 20 here in Denver).

Then the Adoption Worker says in order for us to be able to adopt her on National Adoption day November 20, we would have to have our paperwork done by this week, as in by October 30. OKAY NO PROBLEM! If I was her I would find out what was needed and not rest until it was completed and submitted to whatever person higher up the food chain has to sign it or approve it or whatever.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE FOR THEM TO DETERMINE WHAT THE STATE IS GOING TO PAY US AFTER WE ADOPT HER?! Certainly there is a formula or something that they use to figure this out? I am sure it depends on her age at adoption, diagnoses/diseases/ medications, what they perceive to be her ongoing needs (we've got it covered) and any therapeutic services that she currently utilizes (NONE).

So the Adoption Worker comes over for a visit today. Did she bring any subsidy paperwork for us to fill out or sign? Nope. Just a big, dopey grin and about a dozen questions for my kids about homeschooling including "Do you like it?"

I AM SO DONE HAVING THESE AUTOMATONS "VISIT" OUR HOME.

I AM SO SICK OF THEIR BLANK STARES WHEN I ASK THEM SPECIFIC QUESTIONS.

I AM SO ANNOYED WITH "I WILL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU" AND "I WILL HAVE TO LOOK INTO IT AND SEE WHAT I CAN FIND OUT".

I AM SO DISGUSTED BY SO-CALLED SOCIAL WORKERS WHO CANNOT COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER MEMBERS OF OUR DAUGHTER'S TEAM.

I AM SO TIRED OF THINKING FOR THESE PEOPLE.

I AM SO FED UP WITH REMINDING PEOPLE TO DO THEIR JOBS.

I AM SO PISSED THAT THEY ARE GETTING PAID TO COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE, ASK US RUDE QUESTIONS AND THEN SIGN A PIECE OF PAPER.

THEY DO NOTHING TO HELP ANYONE!

I could go on and on but I'm so angsty from thinking about it that I could explode.

Going for a walk in the snow now, to cry and clear my head...

This just in!

Got a call from the Adoption Worker (just back from maternity leave, new to her part-time job, doesn't seem to know what she is doing yet...) and there is a remote possibility that we might be able to adopt Mara in November for National Adoption Day. Don't get too excited as it would depend on one case manager completing paperwork and communicating with another, but the Adoption Worker just told me if we could push it through this week, there is a chance we could adopt her then.

This is the first time anyone has told me exactly what we are waiting on: Subsidy Paperwork. Like we care how much money they are going to give us! It won't be anywhere near the monthly stipend (that they cut every six months or so when she is doing well) so who cares? Why does it even matter. Isn't it a detail that can be finalized afterward? And is that really all that holds up adoptions like ours? One person calling another person and telling them what they need? This is just more proof that these "Social Workers" know damn good and well that there jobs depend on the system crawling due to lost paperwork and postponed court dates and meetings, et cetera. I know that probably sounds very cynical, but I have seen it firsthand and it is more common than not. I wish it weren't true and I doubt it will ever change.

We would gladly forego getting another dime for fostering or adopting her if it meant we could adopt her "free and clear". I hope it doesn't sound like I am talking about anything less than taking on the emotional, financial and physical responsibility for a person. This isn't just a "hoop to jump through" as the worker said, this is nothing less than a soul we want to save. We desperately need to be deemed her forever family, for the safety and well-being of our daughter. Because she is already our daughter, whether the state recognizes it or not, but it will feel really good for it to be official.

That's all I have.

Semisweet Anniversary

Tomorrow will be two years that Princess Tomorrow has been with us! I was going to blog about this tomorrow, but since Mike is at the movies with the boys for the Toy Story 3D Double Feature and Tomorrow and I are watching the Barbie version of the Nutcracker, I would be foolish not to take this precious time to write.

It is increasingly difficult these days to find the time to write or even blog. I keep a journal stashed in the drawer of my bedside table and jot down epiphanies, frustrations and inspirations in it, but rarely do I find the time to transfer those sleepy scribblings to my blog. it may sound silly, but most often, I receive some sort of divine inspiration in the shower. A dear friend of mine from Saint Louis once told me it has something to do with positive ions and the spray of warm water, and I don't know anything about that really, but I know for sure that the shower is often a wellspring of emotion and reflection for me where I am finally able to braid a few days worth* of my scattered thoughts into something that looks beautiful and purposeful. *I only take a shower every few days. I take a bath every other day with Tomorrow since I would be getting soaked anyway, and I wash my hair in the sink a lot.

It occurs to me right now, that were I to send the boys to public school, I would likely be able to write every day, just as I am now using the laptop while Tomorrow and I sit quietly together in the front room watching her Barbie movie, with her only occasionally announcing a new bird at the feeder. Almost every day, I remind myself, Someday they will be gone and I will miss this maddeningly loud time with all of them here around me now, and I slow my racing thoughts with the idea of writing a book about foster-adopting Tomorrow.

Two years ago today, we got the call that Tomorrow was at the hospital and needed to be picked up. I didn't have any questions but eagerly inquired what hospital room she was in and if we could go see her even though she would not be released until the next day. As soon as Mike could get off work, we went and visited her at Children's Hospital on the eighth floor. I remember how I dressed the boys up as if we were going to church, and myself in the black/blue/brown swirly blouse I wore to my first nephew's baby shower, a pair of 1928 earrings with teardrop pearls hanging from them that were my moms and which babies love to gaze upon, my black dress boots and my long brown sweater with the faux diamonds and fur collar. I remember the pink and white checked flannel blanket Tomorrow was wrapped in, the metal bars of the crib in which she was sleeping, and how it looked like she was in a little cage. I remember being so surprised she was sleeping soundly, and asking if she was medicated, how long she had been sleeping and when she had her last feeding. The Nurse on duty told us only that she would probably be waking up soon and so we just waited. I sat and stared at her gorgeous little brown face peering out of the blanket in which she was swaddled. The thought running wild in my mind was actually, WHY ISN'T SOMEONE CONSTANTLY HOLDING THIS POOR LITTLE BABY?! Now I know, that was where we came in and why God called me and led us on this path.

After we had settled in to the new, state of the art hospital room with our two very excited boys, Tomorrow finally woke up and started crying. I will never forget her lustful, sad cry. It haunted me that night as I lay awake on the day bed in her nursery, wishing I had demanded to spend the night with her. Mike and the nurses has insisted that I go home and get a "good night's sleep" because we were going to need it for her round-the-clock feedings and medication, but I didn't sleep much anyway. When I finally did crash, after arranging all of the newborn clothes and diapers I had in her closet, I had a horrible nightmare that she was in her crib at the hospital crying and no one was going to her. I know it might sound crazy, but it was as if I could actually hear her cry. It's clear to me now that was the beginning of my bonding with her. Mike says I bonded with her at that very first feeding in the hospital, when she woke up and cried and we got to feed her and change her diaper, but I think now that bonding is a more gradual process and not a single moment that has a clear starting point. I do remember how she looked at us, quizzically at first, but how she quickly smiled~ really, she SMILED! at only five and a half weeks~ at Hammy and Mike. I swear she was flirting with them. I thought it was so adorable then, now I look back and wonder if that was how she had learned to not get hurt by people. I feel like I know too much. I don't know why I have to go through this remembering but I do. I no longer try to stop it, I just let it happen. It's how I honor really major events. Plus, these remembering blog entries may help when I begin to write my book about our heart-wrenching journey toward adoption.

If only I could go back to the worried new mother I was that day, and know that she was going to be safe with us for this long. Of course, that is not possible, and I try to take that hard-earned experience and apply it to today. So far, so good. I must be getting accustomed to this limbo-like situation, because there are far fewer days now when I panic and worry that "They" could come for her and take her away from us. It is irrational to think that way, I simply remind myself, because there is no reason for anyone to take her from us. Yet the fact that the legal possibility is there has me living like a person who is always on call in her own home. I feel like I cannot fully relax. Someone could come and do a surprise home inspection today, right now. Are there any medications, even homeopathic remedies or vitamins, left out? Any cleaning solutions not up high enough? Is there glass out on the counter that she could reach with a step stool (she could drop it, break it and cut herself on the glass)? Is the house too messy? Are the children wearing clean clothes? Is Tomorrow in a dry diaper? Did I get the empty bottle out of her room from before her nap? Are her sheets clean? Do I have enough clothing in her current size? Have I spent enough money on her this month? Did I sign off her medication administration sheet (for her gummy vitamins)? Is she meeting all of her developmental milestones? Is she current on her well-baby visits and vaccinations? Does she have enough long pants and shirts? Seven pairs of warm pajamas? A winter coat that fits, boots, and gloves? Do we have blankets and water in our vehicles for winter weather? Where is the First Aid kit and does it need restocked? Is the evacuation plan posted in her room (or did the boys take it down and play with it again)? Are the house rules posted and are we consistently enforcing them? Are they age-appropriate for all three of our children? Is the wax building up in her ears again? Are they going to need to scrape it out again (and traumatize her just when she is starting to trust having her ears gently cleansed with natural drops)? Why is her hair falling out again? Are we not using the right ethnic products? Does she need to get a trim? Is it okay to let her wear her hair in a 'fro to go to Lowe's with Mike or should I put it in plats before she goes just in case someone sees her? Am I going to get in trouble for not taking her in for her two year well-baby visit yet? With her doctor's knowledge, I've been waiting for Children's Hospital to get the swine flu vaccine so she only has to go twice rather than three times, and so Mike doesn't have to miss work three times. What if she gets the swine flu before Children's Hospital gets the vaccine? What if she does get the vaccine but she has a bad reaction to it? Do I have any say as her foster mother in regard to a vaccine that hasn't been out long enough to be proven safe?

I think this has evolved into another blog post but I'm going to leave it as it is, in the context of Tomorrow having been with our family for two years and with our full intention of adopting her, because it is honest and it is real. It is high time for us to adopt our daughter. As much as we like to get a monthly stipend, we are tired of waiting to make her part of our forever family. Supposedly, the County is always begging people to adopt kids who are placed in their homes, so why on Earth is our case taking so long? Why can't we adopt Tomorrow in November on National Adoption Day like a bunch of other families? We know a foster family who will probably be adopting another little girl (who has been placed with them for the second time), and she has been with them this time for less than a year. It isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but couldn't this be? DOESN'T THIS LITTLE GIRL DESERVE TO HAVE THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE SPED UP A LITTLE? WHAT THE HELL IS THE HOLD-UP? Are we falling through the cracks of the system because we had a county Case Worker leave "The Department", and now we have an Adoption Worker who is only part-time and just back from a three month "maternity leave me alone" period? Or is there something going on that I don't know about?

This is where my paranoia comes in, and BELIEVE YOU ME I do not need any actual reason to be paranoid because I can be paranoid in the absence of any rational or verifiable reason for being paranoid. This is where I start to unravel a bit, and lose part of my faith in the child protective system, the legal process (what little of that there is left from my own experience at nineteen). This is where I get frustrated with having all of these child protective professionals visit our home regularly, and with more professionals being added to our team rather than replaced. We still have a Case Manager with our licensing agency and our regular "ongoing" County Worker, and now we have an Adoption Worker. But these people don't come and go, they are just added to the roster. So now we have THREE relative strangers coming into our home on a regular basis and judging the way we live and raise our children. And they can stop by anytime and will at least once each quarter in addition to their regular "convenient" home visits. Every time a new professional gets involved, I worry that they will somehow complicate our case, that they will do something wrong or drop the ball on something and somehow bring about a delay us being to adopt Tomorrow. Or simply not speed the process along. Even though Halloween is not yet here, I've mentally begun to face the fact that we are quickly approaching yet another Thanksgiving and Christmas without having sealed the deal for our family. It would be the greatest gift of all were we to be able to adopt her in November. I want to feel like the longer it takes the better it will be, and I know that a child as wonderful as Tomorrow is more than worth the wait, but I'm running very low on patience for the bureaucracy of it all.

So yes, on one hand I am ever so grateful that Tomorrow was placed with our family and that she has remained in our loving care for two years. Still, on the other hand, every month that passes without any progress towards adoption weighs a little more heavily on my heart's scale of balance. I've been spinning plates for two years and I am really, really ready to take a break. And let our house get really, really messy, for like a whole weekend.

Tomorrow we will celebrate both as a core family and with friends. But I just had to complain a bit first. This is an anniversary I will always honor, just like a birthday, for it's when she born into our family~ but it only illuminates the step we have left to take with her. As Mike put it: "It's not quite bittersweet because she's here with us, so it's more like semisweet." We simply look forward to tasting the pure sweetness that adoption will bring.

Princess Tomorrow is TWO!

Mara summitted Pikes Peak before she was two!

At the Cliff Dwellings in Manitou Springs

Smelling a $250 flower at Seven Minute Station

The Fountain of Youth

Two days before she was two years

It's almost unbelievable to me that Tomorrow's babyhood has flown by, even though there were some very long days and nights over the past two years! It feels as though her babyhood was set to warp speed, and I think I missed out a bit. Even though I know for sure that I cherished *her*, and I learned to take each day one day at a time and said thank you for each and every one we had with her, I held back just a bit of my heart for fear that she could have been taken from us. I do feel like now I am allowing myself to live as if our future is secure, even though it isn't official, and there is a definite change in that I have noticed I've begun to feel more put-upon more often! I think this is a normal part of accepting her as ours. When I refer to her as "One more dirty laundry-producer", it means she is one of us. I swear I do an extra load of laundry a day now that I have a girl in the house! But I do remind myself to savor the milestones and the moments like her spinning around in her dress or lifting it over her head and pretending to be a ballerina, because I may not have another daughter. And in just four weeks, she will have been with us for two years (because she was placed with us at five weeks of age), so I will be sure to spend that day honoring the gift of a daughter with which we have been entrusted.

Meanwhile, Tomorrow is a typical two-year-old in many ways. My days are punctuated by her telling me "No Mommy!" or calling me "Dummy Mommy!" (as I try not to smile or laugh at her petulant independence); her loudly exclaiming "Pee! Pee!" as she whips off her g-diaper mostly so she can run around without any pants on for a half an hour (all the while not squeezing out a single droplet of urine); her screeching if anyone dares to change the channel from "Abby and Elmo" (Sesame Street)*; her yelling "Bobble!" (bottle) at me when she suddenly decides she cannot eat food fast enough to fill her little belly; her demanding that I put "paint" on her nails over and over until I stop and do so; her yelling "Cudders" when she wants the crayons, and so on...she is such a boisterous little thang, and is so much larger than life as they say, that I sometimes forget she is only two until she's asleep and only taking up one eighth of her big girl bed.

*The other day, she was laying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling and zoning out. I asked her, "What are you thinking about?" and she said, "Elmo. And Abby," in a very serious little voice. It was the cutest thing, because she was absolutely sincere. I forced myself not to laugh.

Yet in many ways she is so atypical, with her sweetness and understanding of human emotions. She can sense when one of her brothers are not feeling well and will tilt her head and say, "Okay, brubber? Owie?" She can tell when I am overwhelmed and will say, "Nuggle, Mommy?" as if to say, Let's go lay down and snuggle, 'cause this can wait. The way she wraps her baby doll in a blanket and shushes her to sleep while holding her makes my heart swell with pride that THAT is how she has learned to treat a baby, rather than the way she was mistreated before she came to be with us. It is nothing short of a miracle! Sometimes I feel as if I am trapped in a monotonous cycle of cooking, dishes and laundry. But if Tomorrow comes up to me and pulls on my hand or hugs my leg, it forces me to snap out of thinking negatively, and to focus on what an amazing family we are and what a blessing is Tomorrow. Most days I feel so challenged, grateful, humble, overwhelmed and proud all at once that I can't put my feelings into words so I don't even attempt to do so. I know now that Tomorrow was absolutely supposed to be with us.

She is unlike any child I have ever known. As much as she gets frustrated with my inability to instantaneously be and do all things for her at all times, daily she tells me, "Dank you, Mommy" and I know she means it. She thanks me for changing her g-diaper, for doing her hair, for dressing her, for starting her Barbie and the Diamond Castle DVD in her bedroom for the 50th time.

Though she apparently abhors all other movies in the Barbie genre and refuses to even watch the first minute of any of the five her father bought her, "B and the D.C.", as I call it, is currently her favorite movie She is obsessed with it, and she holds up her pink Barbie remote, pretends it is a microphone and sings, "Uh-nected, Uh-nected, uh-nected" (Connected) and she demands that I also hold a remote and sing along with her. Luckily we got her pink Disney princess TV on Craigslist, so it came with three useless pink remotes from three other pink Disney devices, and they make excellent pretend microphones.

One day she had the entire family in her room and made us all sing Connected with her. If she noticed one of us wasn't singing, she would order us to sing! ("DADDY! SING!") It was one of those Hallmark movie moments that almost made me sick with its pink sweetness. How did such a small girl trick me into accepting two things I swore would NEVER be allowed in my home? (Barney and Barbie) Apparently, she is already quite adept at getting her way.

Still, how can I begrudge all of my filthy and thankless household chores when I have a grateful and mindful *toddler* in my home? Somehow I find a way, but I do feel sufficiently guilty about it whenever she comes up to me with a book and says, "Read me, Mommy?" or when I am lying in bed at night after the three angels are fast asleep. She makes me stop and smell the roses. She reminds me of what is important, that we can choose our family and our path in life and that every single day, no matter how monotonous or uneventful, is an ordinary miracle.

No News = Good News

Princess Tomorrow in her dress from Auntie J on TPR Day

On the mini trampoline...looks like she was concentrating on being safe for her "Aunt Den"

With her Case Worker from Denver Human Services on his last visit

He's leaving the department and he said he was really glad that he got to see her case mostly resolved-- and he said it's the best "success story" he's seen!

It appears I've been on vacation from blogging. We've just been really busy, to say the least. The vegetable garden ate up our July, and we've spent our weekends staycationing and taking daytrips around Colorado as much as possible.

The nice thing is that no news really is good news. Hopefully you, my faithful readers, know that about my blogging style by now. There hasn't been any calamity, drama, gossip or problems with visits to vent about. We've finally gotten a chance to babymoon and enjoy being a family with OUR little girl without the intrusion of the weekly, court-ordered visits. I always knew they were disruptive, and now I know full well exactly how disruptive they were. Tomorrow has almost completely stopped hitting and kicking, and she doesn't cry hysterically whenever I say, "Let's do your hair, okay?"

Then there's the fact that HAVING THREE ACTIVE KIDS IS KICKING MY BUTT. When Mike talks about wanting to adopt a sister for Tomorrow someday, I remind him that the only way I will be willing to adopt another child is if she has Down Syndrome or for some other reason has a below average IQ. Please don't take offense to this if you have a child with Down's Syndrome. I worked for six years with adults with developmental disabilities and have said I think we "normal" people are the ones with the messed-up genes, because never before have I felt so appreciated and unconditionally loved for who I really am regardless of my car, clothing, et cetera than I was by my clients with Down's Syndrome. And anyway, MY POINT IS: I don't need any more "high functioning" and intelligent children to raise! I have my work cut out for me already.

There's literally not enough time in the day for all things the kids want to do plus what I feel like I need to do. The one downside to unschooling is that we are always learning! A love of learning is something that once illuminated cannot be dimmed. Our children are so very curious and they want to know EVERYTHING. TODAY. I can spend all day long helping them research things they want to know more about (currently teeth as Hammy lost his second one last night) while sneaking in the things that the state of Colorado says they need to know, and still they go to bed asking questions.

We're also recertifying as a foster family/home this month so we've been busy with CPR and First Aid refreshers, planned and surprise home inspections, paperwork (the same paperwork we filled out last year, but we have to fill it out again even if nothing has changed) including making copies of anything they have lost since last year, our annual S.A.F.E. questionnaires (in which they ask the most personal questions you can imagine of each spouse separately and then they compare our answers), and private interviews with the kids.

The answers the kids gave in their interviews were funny. First of all, when it came time for the Case Manager to interview the kids they were all sucked into Wii, because we had had to keep them occupied while we were doing our interviews. Plus it was dinnertime. Then there's the fact that Hammy and Moose are so over Tomorrow it's as if she's already ours. When the Case Manager asked them how they are doing, they both said "Great" without even looking away from the TV screen. When she asked how Tomorrow is doing, they said, "Pretty good" and "Okay, I guess." When asked what happens when they get in trouble, Hammy said, "We have to sit on the steps-- or if I'm really rude to my mom, then I can just go to my room." She asked what happens when Tomorrow gets in trouble and Hammy said, "My mom says she isn't really old enough to get in trouble yet but SHE IS TROUBLE. And if she hits us, then she has to sit on the bottom step 'cause she's one." When she asked if they had any needs, Hammy said, "Not anymore since I got one-on-one time with my parents back and I get an allowance." And Moose said, "I get one-on-one time but I need an allowance." And when she asked them if there is anything Tomorrow needs, Hammy said, "One-on-one time. She doesn't really get any." HA! We spend so much one-on-one time together sometimes I think we're one person. But I know what he meant, it's not like I take her to the park to shoot hoops and get a cherry limeade from Sonic or anything like I do with him and maybe I should. But she goes on errands all the time with her daddy (because she'll cry hysterically and shake violently if she can't go).

Considering the things our kids could have said, their interviews went really well! No one said anything about the time I locked myself in the bathroom, crying, and told Mike that I was going to go stay in a hotel until the boys stopped fighting constantly. I'm sure they know to take what the kids say in context of their age, but I bet they get some really funny answers. I'd love to hear some of the funnier ones.

And finally, because I know some of you are/were wondering, the status of the adoption process right now is kind of in a holding pattern but still headed in the right direction. We're so used to it. We have a post-termination hearing on September 3, and mom is appealing the way her case was handled by the department so we really haven't officially even started the adoption process. The new Case Worker with the county said that our adoptive homestudy that's on file with our licensing agency ought to be sufficient but that they usually ask a few more questions, do a "Presentation of the Child" to tell us what her long-term needs will be, and finalize the amount of our montly stipend. Turns out we will get a small monthly stipend even after adoption, which was news to us and is a comfort since adding a third child on one income is scary in these times.

OH! And the department is not recommending contact with the family including the birth mom, so I don't have to feel guilty if I never speak to her again or fret over the fact that we've decided not to go with an open adoption (more on that later).

Well my peeps, that's all the news I've got for now. We've really got to get crack-alackin' on planning Tomorrow's second birthday bash, because it's in eleven days, we're having it here, and our yard is an overgrowth of weeds not unlike the high plains when the pioneers first crossed them.

I hope YOUR Summer is wrapping smoothly, and flows into a lovely Autumn!