18 Month Well Baby

You've come a long way, baby!

Today Mara had her 18 month well baby visit at Children's Hospital. We really shouldn't even call them well baby visits anymore-- Mara is 100% toddler now, there's just nothing babyish about her anymore!

We were seen by her regular pediatrician again, Dr. Katherine "Kiki" Traylor. Mara said Kiki for the first time (altho' it sounded very similar to cookie) and kissed and hugged her doctor when we ran into her in the hallway (Mara cannot just hang out in the exam room waiting for her appointment, not knowing she has an adoring public outside-- oh no, we have to walk the halls and they have find us to examine her). Kiki is the best baby doctor ever, she lets Mara wear her watch, and wear her lanyard with beads on it, and use her stethoscope and otoscope. And then when we got home, Mara pretended to be a doctor with her (real) stethoscope (from my days as a CNA) and Fisher Price otoscope. Dr. Mara looked in both of my ears and gave me a hug and said "YAY!" There had been much celebration today at her appointment and no shots. Celebration because for the first time she had increases in weight, height and head circumference...all at once. After the doctor measured her head again that is. The person who measured her head either did it wrong or read it wrong because at first it appeared as if her head had gotten smaller on the growth chart. Since I attested to the fact that she needed a bigger sun hat this Spring, we knew it wasn't possible and of course when the doctor re-measured it, her head had grown an inch-- being off by an inch is not a big deal except when it comes to head circumference!

Dr. Kiki was glad to hear that we had weaned Mara off formula and that she is mostly sleeping through the night (knock wood) and in her own bed in her own room, mostly waking for comfort. I explained to her that according to our licensing agency's policy, after 18 months we are not supposed to sleep in her room with her. I thought that would be a really difficult transition, but from the very first night that we left her door and ours open so that we would hear her if she woke up, she came and found us! She actually crawled into bed with us and we didn't even notice until we woke up. Such a sweet thing to wake up and discover a child snuggled between us, especially such a wee girl. It makes me realize how much we babied our boys, especially Hammy.

The harder transition is getting used to sleeping with my husband again! His new CPAP mask has a much better seal than any he has worn before so he sounds less like Darth Vader and more like a very quiet humidifier. It's nice to be sleeping in the same bed again-- hopefully it won't lead to any more little people who don't sleep through the night, because I am loving it. Our bed is a king-size Tempur Pedic mattress and we have it safely on the floor now with a flat screen TV for watching movies (and the occasional missed sitcom on hulu) so our bedroom is a refuge from the childish chaos in the rest of the house.

But I digress...Dr. Traylor gave Mara three books today, and told her she loved her! She is so sweet and we both feel such a strong connection with her. It's very good to have a baby doctor (and a mainstream pediatrician at that!) whom I adore. She wants me to call her and let her know how it goes on April 8 and 10, since we won't need to see her again until Mara is two years old! Can you imagine? Two! It sounds like such a long time from now, but I know it will be here in the blink of an eye.

One more thing...before I forget: I need to document Mara's Mongolian spots so that I have a record of exactly what they look like and where they are. Dr. Traylor recommended taking new pictures and I am also going to fill out a SOAP note diagram showing the location of all of them. I may even measure them and record the size. If it sounds like I am being neurotic, it is only because of a very unfortunate situation that recently occurred in Denver County. A foster child who was two showed up for a weekly visit with a scratch. When the bio parent brought it to the Case Worker's attention, there was no incident report (a document that foster parents fill out to record illness, injury to self or others, and other incidents such as property damage or truancy). With the lack of an incident report, an exam was conducted and bruises were found on the child. Whether or not they were the result of abuse or the child being two may never be proven, but as is often the case the child was removed from the foster home and the foster parent lost her license. The same thing could easily happen to us, and the thought of Mara having to endure separation from us until experts could confirm that she has Mongolian spots makes me sick. Someone who didn't know that she has Mongolian spots or what they are could easily assume she is bruised. I did not know what they were and I am a Massage Therapist! I assumed they were bruises and took pictures of them when she got out of her body cast. The bruises were consistent with her injuries. They are on her upper back, one of her ribs and her buttocks. There is also one on her chest, that I didn't even notice (even though I still massage her every.single.day.) until I saw pictures of her in a tank top with spaghetti straps on her fist birthday. I was painfully aware of stares at the swimming pool this Summer, but no one said anything. We get funny looks as it is. So this Summer, I'm going to get her and the boys those long-sleeved surfer type suits with bike-style shorts for the pool. We'll save ourselves some stares and time applying sunscreen!

That's all for now, will some pix of our three leprechauns and St. Patty's Day festivities as soon as I get my battery re-charged (figuratively and literally!!)

Christmas Pix!

The long-awaited, much-anticipated Christmas photo barrage begins now! I have hundreds from the holidays and have literally taken thousands already with my new camera, so here I will limit myself to pix of Mara and her gifts.

Besides, I can no longer post them anywhere else due to a big to-do about the laws regarding internet confidentiality with regard to posting images of foster children online. It was the top agenda item at our last foster parent association meeting (above trampoline safety and an article about the death of a child who was not being watched by his foster mom and hung himself on a safety net). Suffice to say, we are getting rid of our trampoline (not due to that incident but the horror stories of brain injuries and paralyzation and death that followed). And the agency Director made it very clear that we are not allowed to post photos of foster children on Facebook or MySpace. She also said, "And if you are blogging I want to know about it" (so nobody tell her, okay?!) My blog is extremely private now and as far as I'm concerned it ain't nobody's business! And it's funny, but she didn't say anything about using sites like flickr, photobucket, Picasa, snapfish or YouTube...I know, I'm bad. But I do not see the harm in sharing photos of a beautiful happy child who is thriving in foster care. Who knows, it could even promote foster parenting?

Anyway, here are some highlights from Christmas, while it's still technically Winter.

This is the kitchen Santa brought Mara:


It's from Nova Naturals.


What's going on in here and why didn't someone wake me up?


A bag of pastel Mega Blocks bigger than her!


Daddy, help please?


She walked right past the kitchen without noticing it...


And again, doesn't notice the kitchen...


Look at that pretty ornament!


What's that over there? (she *almost* looked at it that time!)


Oh, some wrapping paper!


Cookies, yum!


Mommy, let's have cookies!


Finally, Moose showed her the kitchen.


She was very interested in it, once she noticed it.


Opening a present from Mrs. Claus while her brothers play with the girlie blocks.

COOKIE BREAK!

The tree was real and Mara would touch it and giggle!


Mara opening presents (in convenient holiday-themed gift boxes) with a butter knife...


I just wanted a photo of all three chitlins by the tree, is that too much to ask?




Mara touched all the gifts and said, "pitty!" (pretty)

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone...

You may have received an email from my mom telling you that the TPR hearing that was supposed to be this month was moved AGAIN. Or you might have called to find out how the hearing went only to find out that it didn't happen at all. I apologize for not blogging/emailing about it but I literally didn't even process it for almost a week. Seriously, it didn't really hit me until the following Thursday night. We got a call from the county case worker on the Friday before (when the hearing was supposed to on a Tuesday) telling us that the hearing was moved up again to April 8 and 10 because "the docket got too full". We were heading out the door to get Mara to her visit, but I called my mom and sisters on the way. I pretty much left it up to Mom and Sarah if they still wanted to come, but I was concerned about them not being here when I really needed them in April. They decided to come anyway, and we made the most of their visit (except for the letdown, a root canal and a virus that caused Liam to have a febrile seizure-- look for a post titled Mommy Guilt!).

So this is what happens when you do foster care. We didn't know about the agony of the unknowns and waiting when we applied for the job, but we do now. It is what it is, and as usual it was my high and perhaps even unrealistic expectations that got the best of me. My visualizations had been that the hearing was going to be uncomfortable to sit through, but that it would finally bring about the end of weekly visits that cause Mara to hit herself and act out and the beginning of the journey toward adoption. Her case is supposedly an EPP (Expedited Placement Plan)-- and they had told me they like to see EPPs in their permanent home within a year!

So I no longer have my hopes up for the hearings on April 8 and 10. I don't honestly know why-- a gut feeling that something is shifting or merely self-protection? We still plan to be there, so we'll see. I've been scrambling since my mom left, trying to arrange child care for the new hearing dates so she wouldn't have to come again in April. I finally told her yesterday not to cancel her trail ride because she sounded really bummed about it-- they can't just go for a weekend, they have to go for the whole week or not at all. I think we have a friend who may be able to watch the boys at her house and another foster mom who will watch Mara at hers. Aunt Jen has offered to be Plan B, or even Plan A for the boys--and she will come here, so my vote is for Plan A for Auntie Jen and Wil! I still need to check with my friend who I haven't actually spoken with in months. Mike talked with her when he went to get our Girl Scout cookies. I had had a root canal that day and wasn't feeling real good. I'm hoping she can be a Plan B for the boys. Plan B for Boys, since she would have four of them at her house!

But back to the meltdown that led to me being so calm and accepting powerlessness: I was being really bitchy to Mike, and short with the kids, and just generally annoyed by everyone for about six days. What a fun time for Nana to visit! We had a good time actually, even going out for a mother-daughter date one evening to Starbucks, Panera Bread and to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (a very good film). It was a Thursday evening, I was bone-tired, and Mike suddenly realized that Mara was eighteen months old. EIGHTEEN MONTHS OLD!!! In only a month, she will have been with us for a year and a half. And it wasn't until later on when she fell asleep in my arms and I kissed her sweet face, that the floodgates opened and saw how I had been behaving as if I was watching myself on a big screen TV, and I didn't like what I saw. I bawled my eyes out, and it was then and there that I decided:

I am not going to waste another day wondering and worrying about the future of our attached family. I'm not sure I can "trust an unknown future to a known God", but I'm trying. Meanwhile, I want to enjoy every day I have with my daughter. The future will happen either way.

That's it. Pretty simple. Nothing earth-shattering. It's the same lesson, over and over again, 'til we get it.

One day at a time.

One more month...

The TPR hearing is set for March 3, 4 and 6. I am beside myself to say the least. Nonetheless, I am trying very sincerely to stay positive, reading from the Bible and some of my favorite Hazelden daily meditation books each morning, and learning "to trust an unknown future to a known God". (Corrie Ten Boom)

The latest buzz is that the County Case Worker told the other foster mom to start preparing Mara's sisters that they will not be returning home with their mom. I am guessing he did not instruct me to do the same as there is nothing to explain to Mara-- we are the only family she has really known. What would be challenging would be preparing her to return to her mom. I can't even imagine how I would go about doing that. Thank God we have not been asked to help transition her back to Linda.

I haven't been blogging much this month because I have been keeping myself busy, perhaps a bit too busy, doing a lot of home improvement projects that we saved for the Wintertime. But at least I am not overeating or smoking! For now, I am taking some medication (just 10 mg of citalopram) for my anxiety, and it is mostly helping me to sleep all night. That is another reason I am not online much: about the only time I can get online and think straight is after all of the kids are asleep, and I am sleeping at night now! I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know I am a much better mom when I am rested; and since I am now taking Mara on the nights when Mike has to work the next day, Sunday through Thursday, I have to get my sleep.

I imagine it would also be difficult to put my feelings into words right now. It is hard to explain what it is like to wait a year and a half to find out for sure if you will be able to keep your baby to someone who hasn't been through this experience. I think some people just don't know how to act or what to say, and when they ask me if there is anyone I can talk to about my situation it is their way of saying I don't know what to say. The answer is no and yes. No, there is no one else going through what I am as I am a unique individual having a unique life experience. Yes, I can talk to my husband and God. If I bring the subject of adoption or court up or it comes up in our conversation and it makes you uncomfortable just to think about it, then imagine that feeling times a thousand and you might have a tiny inkling of what it feels like for me.

On one hand, I want to live each day with Mara as if it is our last just in case-- but on the other hand, I do not want to create a little Diva! So I strive to strike a balance between having fun all day and teaching her all I can. Her father is not as good about restraining himself from overindulging her. With every trip to the store he returns with something new for her, whether it is a Dora "Singing Sensation" DVD with a inflatable microphone or a plate, bowl and cup set. He can't seem to help himself especially when she is with him. I asked him to get her some jeans from Wal-Mart and he came home with jeans with butterflies and flowers on them that light up, Dora pajamas and a pink pair of sweatpants with flowers and hearts. He continues to buy her Baby Legs (the baby leg warmers) three pairs at a time from babysteals.com (the latest pairs are pink ribbed heather grey, pink striped with heather grey and white, and purple bandana) and he just bought her a pair of weird-looking pink and purple slipper socks (we call them her alien shoes) just because he thought they would be comfortable (sort of like the two new pairs of Bobux leather slippers she already had? LOL)

But I suppose I have been indulging her in my own way. First, I painted a dresser brown and pink for her to match her brown and pink mod circles crib set. Then I painted her toy box, her step stool, a basket for her to keep her board books in, and her wicker hamper. Now her room looks like it has been furnished with boutique furniture and could almost be in a magazine-- her half of the room anyway.

I also painted our bathroom "Tidal Wave" blue, and we painted the family room "Sky Blue" including the ceilings! Both rooms look very nice and are soothing to be in.
Next is the kitchen which I want to paint "Watermelon" (a pinkish red like the inside of a watermelon). And then it is on to the kids' bedrooms. We want to have all of the painting down before Spring when we pretty move outside for six months!

I've also been keeping busy with Wii Fit. I started doing it on January 11 and was horrified to find that my Wii Fit Age was 57. Not that there is anything wrong with being 57-- I just don't want to be 57 when I am 36! I lowered my Wii Fit Age to 37 by January 25, which is only a year more than my actual age. I strive for 20 to 30 minutes of yoga, aerobics, strength training and balance games almost every day, and sometimes do as much as 45. Eventually I want to get to where I am doing a Body Test and at least 30 minutes of training each day. I've unlocked every single yoga pose and Wii Fit Yoga been very good for my body and spirit-- but I'm also really good at the Super Hula Hoop! Mike and Liam are VERY competitive and I will admit that having competition does keep me striving to get better at different activities. So far I am the Zen Master at the Lotus Focus but I don't think I am winning at anything else!

I hope this month has found you living up to your resolutions, or at least resolving to not make ones that you cannot or will not keep next year.

I will keep you posted on any developments and post some new pix ASAP.

Seven Weeks

I haven't blogged here since December 9! Sorry about that. I was just busy with the holidays and have been playing with my new toy, a Sony Cybershot hybrid or "bridge" camera, since Christmas Day. We only took down our Christmas tree yesterday. This year, we celebrated "The Twelve Days of Christmas", and next year we're going to celebrate Advent which I understand is twenty-four days. I don't really even know what Advent is all about yet, so it ought to be fun learning about it.

Today Mike told me the TPR hearing is only seven weeks away. Almost a year and a half of waiting will finally be over, one way or the other. Hearing it's only seven weeks away really increased my anxiety. I actually felt myself tense up. I feel this weird sensation of inertia and yet like I am not fully in the present-- and I cannot decide if I want to speed time up or stop it! I want to feel at peace about the hearing, but I'm such a realist. So I started taking some medication for symptoms of anxiety and depression on December 23, and it seems to be working-- I am sleeping really well again, every night-- and hopefully it will be in full force by March. We're flying my mom here for the week of the hearing so that Mike and I can both go to court each day, and it was a huge relief to book her flights and know that she will be here either way to help out with the kids and to (hopefully) CELEBRATE.