Butterflies set in

I have major butterflies in my belly this morning! Finally drugged myself to sleep last night with some Tylenol PM at about 1 a.m. so I am a bit groggy. Fell asleep to the (imagined) sound of the baby crying. It's like I was hearing it from within. And she has a deep, lusty cry~ which she reserves exclusively for diaper changes~ that I heard twice last night so it is burned into my memory. Was she crying that very moment during a diaper change at the hospital? I am known to be psychic with people with whom I share a strong attachment. I missed her last night. Even little Moose said, on the way home, 'I miss that baby. I wish we could bring it home tonight.' We are so fortunate to be about a ten minute drive from the new, state of the art hospital. But I am eager to have her home. I woke this morning at 7:15 to the aroma of my coffee brewing and shot out of bed, thinking Where is______? What is her name again? Why isn't she crying?

Mike just took Hammy to kindergarten and Moose is sleeping soundly. I'm going to let him sleep in so he will be well-rested for my sister, who will have her own toddler (and who *must* nap) to take care of as well. moose is at that age when he can go without a nap if needed as long as he goes to bed early.

My concerns are jumbled up with a deep, settling sadness and what feels like rising anger that someone injured this child so severely. yesterday I was going through the motions but today it feels like reality is setting in. I kept thinking last night: This baby would be so perfect without this body cast. NO!! She *is* perfect. What was done to her is imperfect. Who could harm a hair on her head? And today the reality is that we will have to take her to (court-ordered and supervised) visits with the very family that allowed her to be so horribly hurt. I refuse to believe that no one but the abuser knew about the abuse. The bruises are apparent. A child with that many extensive injuries could not have appeared normal- especially if it was the sixth child. And yet my heart goes out to the mother somehow, wondering if she really did know, if she felt powerless to stop it, and if she was herself abused and trapped in what felt like an inescapable cycle of violence. It is my nature to think both the best and the worst. So when I think the best of the mother, I want her to know that I will take the very best care of her precious little girl.

My mom sent me an email last night, asking what it feels like to be an answered prayer. It feels good. It feels right. It feels like everything we have done up to this point has prepared us for this and that we were called to it. And it also feels like the School of Hard Knocks is in session and that we are in for some serious life lessons. A lot of people have told us/wrote to us that we are so generous, so great, so kind, so special...but we are just a bunch of regular, flawed folks. We aren't saints or devout Buddhists or die-hard Christians or anything unusual. I simply replied to a "Help Wanted" ad in the newspaper for Therapeutic Foster Parents (in the classifieds under Social Services) and we've been in training for a year.

If not us, then who? As the ads say, "It doesn't take a lifetime, but it can change a life."

I'm so excited, nervous, sad and scared as we set out on this voyage. I know it will change us completely, no matter what the outcome. It has already changed us. In a way, our world just got darker. But we are lighting a candle in that darkness, and that candle burns brightly in hope and in love. Feel free to use our candle to light your own, and to pass it on to others in the dark.

I'm bringing home a baby bumble bee...

Okay, so I'm tired...but that song just popped in my head when I was trying to think of a title.

The jokes are flying around here as usual, in the midst of some sadness. I am *almost* all cried out after a long, emotional day of phone calls with our Placement Coordinator, a Caseworker for Denver County, a Social Worker from Children's Hospital, various family members, and four different people at work and then meeting with nurses and a doctor caring for the baby...

I got a call today from our Placement Coordinator (they are not kidding when they say to be prepared once you're licensed, because some placements occur very quickly) about a little girl who is at the brand new Children's Hospital in a full body cast with twenty-four broken bones. Originally, he had said she was five months old. It turns out she is five WEEKS old. My brain literally hurts from trying to wrap my mind around the situation that would compel a person to break (and with what?!) the ribs and legs of a tiny, sweet, beautiful baby girl. My spirit weeps.

We visited her tonight. We got there right when she was due to wake up and eat so I got to hold her, feed her, burp her, and kiss her. It was weird to give a baby a bottle of formula. She is on Similac Advanced and it stinks. It makes her burp and fart a lot. She nuzzled my neck and I had to remind myself three times not to latch her on! I changed her stinky diaper (yet another reason to breastfeed! the poop smells better- sometimes even like hummus or eggs and rice!) and she does.not.like to have her diaper changed. I told her not to worry, as we have a wipes warmer and cloth dipes at home. We'll see what I can do about the formula.

Mike and Hammy held her, too, and she flirted with them both. I so wish I had shot some video!

Did I mention we are bringing her home tomorrow? TOMORROW!! It's all happening so fast.

My sister is coming in the morning to watch Moose. It works out well as Friday is Hammy's day to go to the one day a week Options for homeschoolers kindergarten, but he is threatening not to go. I am trying to convince him to go so he can show off his framed photo of his other aunt but mostly I just need him to go so my sister will only have to watch Moose. I don't really care if Hammy doesn't want to go anymore after that. He complains about the kids who bully/do the boy-girl thing and his behavior toward his brother is changing.

Mike took a week off from work. He's always great about doing that. He took 5 weeks off with our first baby who ended up coming into the world via Cesarean surgery; 3 weeks for our second who was born at home with a midwife; and 1 week for a foster baby who is 5.5 weeks old...yeah, the math is good! So, with weekends, he is off for 10 days. It will be wonderful to have him here, and to know that one of us will be there for the boys at all times during what is bound to be a wild ride either way.

That's all I have the time for right now. I will try to post as often as I can from here on out!

We're officially licensed!

And I was so incredibly excited to hear the news in a voicemail that I cried out to the boys ("GUYS! WE'RE GONNA BE A FOSTER FAMILY!") who were playing on a six foot pile of sand at the playground on the swim beach at Cherry Creek State Park, and then I immediately called Lance, Mike, and my mom (in that order). Lance wanted to go over with us ages, genders, ethnicity/race, number of children we are willing to take in, et cetera, before adding us to the "Openings List". Our preferences at this time are: Infants or children under the age of two (so as not to usurp Moose's role in the family; Female; Any ethnicity/race; And one baby/child at a time up to two, although we would be willing to consider taking in two at a time if there was a pair of siblings that needed placement (especially if they needed to place a baby girl and say, a three-year-old sister. What a package deal that'd be for us since we want to have two girls!)

Then I woke up the next morning thinking, What have I gotten myself into? Will I be able to take care of another child? Having recently turned thirty-five, and being about seventy-five pounds overweight, I wake up most mornings feeling rusty. I have "severe, widespread" Osteoarthritis, and decreased physical activity due to pain has increased my weight. It's a vicious cycle. I need to be active to take off excess weight from two pregnancies, but it's painful for me to do exercise out of water. I can swim at our subdivision pool in the Summertime, but in the Winter I am limited to the Trails Recreation Center at about $5 a pop (even though it is right down the street, we are "out of district"). And when I'm really active anyway, such as when we go on a long bike ride or hike, I need the next day to recover. I'm only sharing this since it seems to be part of the process and normal, in case anyone else with a medical condition or disability that limits their activity who is considering foster parenting ever reads this.

So now we wait. Again. But for a different phone call. It's a gigantic relief to be licensed, but it doesn't tame the ginormous, wondering part of my mind...

How old is she?

What is her name?

Was she born via Cesarean surgery or a vaginal birth?*

Was she breastfed at all?

Is she sitting up/crawling/walking? Talking?

Will she sleep in a crib (on lay-away) or the co-sleeper (we have)?

Was she abused? Physically? Emotionally? Sexually? All of the above?

What color are her eyes?

Will she like me?

Will the boys accept and love her?

Will we be able to adopt her? How long will that process take?

Will she have any medical issues?

Will I need to take her on a lot of appointments? How will I take the boys, too?

Will there be visitations with family members? if so, how will she handle them?

How will this affect our homeschooling?

Will she be with us for the holidays? Will we have a little trick-or-treater in arms?

Will she be on formula? How will I handle formula-feeding after breastfeeding two children?

Will she let me wear her in my mei tai (sugar skulls by Amy May!!) or Moby Wrap?

Do we need to get a stroller just in case? Which kind? Why did we ever sell our single jogger with fiv-point harness and the movable seat that could face the parent or face out?

Should I beg/borrow/buy a high chair? Swing? Changing table?

Will I need more cloth diapers? Why haven't I sewn the covers I got from diaperkit.com yet?

When will the phone ring again? Is the ringer on? Wait, is that the phone ringing now?!


*Because birth matters...and peace begins at birth...see why I care at: http://www.ican-online.org/

Show me the money

This just in: Foster parents paid less than actual cost of raising a child. (WHAT THE #&@%?!)

Most states reimburse foster parents significantly less than the actual cost of raising a foster child, complicating the task of finding good homes for children who need them, according to a first-of-its-kind survey.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21105021/from/ET/

Which reminds me of the time when one of my (well-meaning) relatives, who shall remain unidentified, wrote to me that she hoped we weren't going to become foster parents "for the money" because we are "far too generous to make any money at it". That was the best and worst of compliments, and I didn't even know where to start with replying to her concern. I know it was coing from a good place but it rubbed e thewrong way, maybe because I did initially wonder if foster-adopting could be a way I could continue to stay home with our boys as a Homemaker/Home Educator, *and* a way we could grow our family without incurring more expenses which we cannot afford on one income.

Most people say, "Oh you are so kind! I could never do that. Blah blah blah..." (more later)

One of the major reasons for choosing to foster-adopt rather than adopt privately *is* because of "the money". Alas, it is the lack of money, and not the promise of it, that is our motivation. In other words, we cannot afford a private adoption. Foster-adoption is the only viable option for growing our family at this time, and it is not a decision we came to quickly, nor was it a decision we made without much thought that included several calculations (of both time *and* money).

Still, articles like the one above does give me pause and probably puts Mike on edge a bit. We both know how to budget and stretch a dollar, and we've made do with far less stuff than most people think is required for a baby; yet it is difficult to know if the stipend we receive will cover our costs until we are in the throes of the diaper-changing, formula-feeding and appointments.

So far we have been blessed with a gift of many lovely items of girls clothing in great shape and in sizes ranging from newborn to 4T and other baby items from a very dear friend and La Leche League Co-Leader. A couple of other people have told us they have clothes for us, too, and will probably give it to us whenever a baby is placed with us. Plus, we already frequent the local secondhand stores (Kid to Kid in Aurora gives foster parents 10% off everything!), and we also enjoy the hunt of finding items at garage sales and online via eBay, craigslist, and Freecycle.

At any rate, we will make it work! Besides, "I don't care too much for money,

Money can't buy me love".

~A Bargaining Momma

Our license is being sent in!

After almost a year of calling around to different agencies, gathering paperwork, filling out various forms, submitting to fingerprints, personal references and background checks, taking CPR First Aid and CORE classes, as well as the homestudy, our Placement coordinator (a real prince of a guy) called today to let us know that our foster family certification paperwork is being submitted to the the state. He said that for some reason, it takes them about four weeks to turn the application around and issue a " provider number" but just to hear that he is sending our license in today brought tears to my eyes (which was followed by deep sobbing that I was not at all expecting). It is as if I have finally been told when my baby might be born (in general, just like a real due date, with no guarantees). I feel nervous now, waiting to find out if we will be finally approved by the state of Colorado, but I can't imagine why we wouldn't be approved.

I have no fingernails left to chew, but I haven't smoked a cigarette! Time to start knitting?

Mike is on a field trip with Hammy. I have to go shower and get ready with Moose and am looking forward to telling Mike and Hammy that we are getting closer to bringing a baby/child home at last!

Throughout this process, I have questioned so much and done a lot of growing and soul-searching. I feel like my relationship with God/my Higher Power has deepened and is stronger now, and now I truly know the freedom of trusting in something greater than myself and my will. I sincerely believe that everything is unfolding just as it ought to be, and that every step of this journey has been purposeful in our preparation. I also see that this is only the beginning!

Last night, as Mike read a "Help Me Be Good" book to the boys, I listened in the next room and just beamed, realizing what a cohesive family we are and how we really are ready to welcome a child who needs to be loved into our home. And without being negative, I hope to candidly and honestly address in this forum many of the questions we have asked along the way, in hopes that it might also help to answer some of the questions that family and friends have been asking, even if it not directly of us! (E.g. Why we don't we just "make" another baby of "our own"?)

So stay tuned and feel free to comment. It's my hope that someday another momma who is trying to get her head around foster-adoption will stumble upon this little blog, find that she's not alone on her path of love, and maybe even find some answers to some of her questions about how foster-adoption works. The most important thing to know, and the greatest lesson I have learned so far, is that every single requirement is in place for a reason, and is for the protection of the very children we hope to help. Trusting in the process isn't easy, and patience is indeed a virtue; but in the end I think that the fact that it can take several months to a year to have a child placed in ones home is part of the plan. If it happened too quickly, surely it would fail or be very difficult on the family that must be stable for the child in upheaval.

A Blessed Foster Momma-to-be