Resistance = futile

It will most likely come as no surprise to you, dear readers and supporters of Tomorrow, that *I* had the (first?) meltdown, after a hard day's night with a fussy baby girl who sounded like a broken squeak toy and seemed as if she was trying to tell me everything that has happened to her. I wore her for three hours in the mei tai, as it was the only way to keep her from crying. I would do the babywearing dance and shush her to sleep and then she would wake again as if startled. I heard Mike turn off his alarm at three a.m. and I figured he really needed to sleep longer so I thought I would stick it out as long as I could but I finally had to wake him up at about 3:30 a.m. because I felt like I couldn't breathe and was thinking I can't do this/This was a mistake/We have to give her back. When I handed Tomorrow off to Mike and she stopped crying immediately, I started crying and cried myself to sleep knowing she was in good hands.

Mike has been a rock and, like me, was bonded to Tomorrow before we even brought her home from the hospital. They had their first nap together at the hospital in a recliner while I was working on getting her discharged. My husband is such an amazing man! He has grown into a really patient and nurturing father, as well as an encouraging and supportive husband. I am so fortunate, and it's the trying times like these that make me realize just how fortunate I am.

Sometimes it's hard to care for Tomorrow, but I truly feel honored to be her foster mother. I cannot pretend that I would be okay with handing her over to *anyone* else at this point-- I feel so attached to her already, and last night only cemented that bonding. I got down on my knees at one point with her strapped onto me in the mei tai, and prayed hard for guidance, for some sign that this is what we are supposed to be doing. I can see more clearly today, after getting five hours of sleep, that we have already received a sign and she has the most beautiful, big, brown eyes.

But then today, we got a call from the Denver County caseworker asking if we would take the four-year-old and seven-year-old siblings!! Mike politely told her no because we have our hands full with Tomorrow, but thanks for asking- and even though I knew (instantly!) that was the right thing to do for our family, it felt as if two more little pieces broke off of my very fragile heart. Still, it was also like a ray of light at the end of what I imagine will be a long tunnel. If the grandmother can't handle the other five siblings, there is little chance that Tomorrow will be placed in her custody.

After all of that, I needed to process the phone call aloud and did so with a new friend from Prairie Unitarian Universalist (UU) Church who is a foster mother and adopted her daughter when she ten months old. Mike had taken the boys to the skate park, so we were able to have a nice conversation while Tomorrow napped on me. It was good to confide in and laugh with someone who has been here and done this. She agreed that today's call boded well for our chances to adopt Tomorrow, and just talking about it brought some hope to the day and lifted my mood. We are so fortunate to know her and her husband, and they have offered to provide respite for us when we are ready since they are licensed as a foster family. That is just one of many situations that feel absolutely heaven sent. It is so awesome to experience synchronicity, and to discover more ways to connect with others.

And speaking of synchronicity, this morning my Yogi Tea teabag tag said, "The art of happiness is to serve all." I took that as a good sign, too, and will adopt it as a new mantra.

The photo above is for my Grand-Mother Charlotte. She has a really neat story about holding one another's hands that I will try to remember to ask her to type up and email to me; and I have always thought of her when my babies hold onto my finger. Tomorrow likes to sleep holding onto my pinkie finger. If I try to slip out of her grip she fusses loudly, and won't settle back down unless I let her have my pinkie back. It seems the least I can do to just give in and let her hold on tight all night long and simply be there for her in whatever way she needs.