And once again, a voice of reason is heard.

Today we had a visit from the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL). She has an assistant who has been doing home visits but I imagine she is required to visit herself from time to time.

She asked me the usual questions about how Tomorrow is doing and watched as I struggled to change her diaper and get her redressed and settled down for a bottle and a nap (the visit was right at nap time).

Then, she basically talked me out of having Tomorrow's sister in our home. She went over all of her negative behaviors: how she acts out sexually toward her foster brother and foster father, cusses people out, destroys property, fights violently with her sister, knocks over bookshelves, spits, throws things, you name it. She shared her concern that her outbursts would be very upsetting to our family. She said she is mostly concerned that Tomorrow would be negatively affected and that our boys would be as well. She also said the judge will most likely recommend that the other two girls are placed separately for adoption, which really breaks my heart while I do understand why.

Oh! She also explained why the judge did not go ahead with TPR on May 27th. Apparently he is extremely thorough and writes up a detailed account of his decision which he reads into the record. So that is why he keeps notes on his laptop and why he wanted time to make his decision. The GAL said she expects him to terminate parental rights for all three of the younger girls, and to expect that it will take some time while he explains his decisions with regard to each child in the case.

Then she went on and on about how well we are doing with Tomorrow and that felt really good. We don't get a lot of recognition-- not that any parents ever do really, but I mean as foster parents-- probably because we "only have the one foster child" and are seen by other foster parents as being inexperienced (even though we had two children before fostering), selfish and other such nonsense because we want to adopt.

All in all, it was a very reassuring visit. I feel somewhat relieved but also very sad that every professional who knows us and Tomorrow's sister does not think we should take her in. And not that she wouldn't do well in our home-- because it would be a definite upgrade for her-- but solely based on their opinions of what her presence could do to our family. We haven't even had a chance to have her over for a visit or respite. So while I want to believe the professionals who have worked with her and us, and there are definitely days when I feel like I am at the limit of my patience-- I still feel a tugging at my heart that means I haven't completely let go of the idea.

I think I may have let my strong desire to keep the two sisters together cloud my perspective and I couldn't see the forest for the two little saplings. It splinters my soul that a judge may recommend three sisters be separated, after all they have been through. But if it makes all three of the more adoptable, it can't be so bad. The GAL believes that the other two sisters would benefit from being only children due to their severe dysfunction with siblings, but it is still hard for me to accept as a sister myself. I keep trying to compare my family with theirs, but there is no comparison. Just like how I struggled with trying to understand how a mother could not know her baby was hurt, the bottom line was that the birth mom does not feel and think the way I do; and her daughters do not behave the way my sisters and I do. It is hard to imagine, but I believe in my heart that this particular set of people in DHS really do want what is best for these girls. According to the GAL, the judge is also looking ahead and realizing that it may be very difficult or even impossible to find a family who will adopt both of Tomorrow's sisters with their extreme behaviors and needs.

I wish we could be that family, but we have to put the three we already care for first...it's all I can imagine at this moment...just for today...for now.

So that's the latest. Bad news with good, as usual. Bittersweet as always.

Thank you in advance for not saying 'I told you so' even if you did.

Opinions are like...bellybuttons?!

Everybody has one, right? I've changed the key word in the usual saying since this is a family blog, but I'm sure you get my point. Everybody's got one...and some stink more than others!

I am sooo very weary of hearing people's opinions about whether or not we will be able to "keep" Tomorrow. Yes, I'll admit, in the beginning I loved to hear, "OH MY GOD there is no way that her mom is ever going to get that poor baby back!" But now that I've been up and down (and when I say down, I mean down hard) and around and around on the emotional roller coaster of other people's predictions, I want to get off and stay off, thankyouverymuch!

Here are just a few examples of the "expert" (and unsolicited) opinions I get to hear:

People I have met while waiting for various appointments (and at the coffee stand) at Children's Hospital have said everything from A: They have never seen a case this severe in such a young baby and she will not go back to her mom, to Z: They see this all the time and babies usually go back to their moms whenever they accuse dad of the abuse, IF mom leaves dad...

Another foster mom with Ariel told me we will definitely get to keep Tomorrow once the parental rights are terminated, and to hang in there because the visits are just part of the process...

The new foster mom for Tomorrow's sisters (yes, they have already been moved-- which makes me sad again for not taking them) told me she would be willing to take Tomorrow if I'm having problems keeping detached (!!) because she won't and they will all go back to their mom (and, by the way, she claims nearly expert status on the matter because she has been a foster mom for three, count 'em, one two three years). ..

And at Tomorrow's Ortho appointment last week, a Medical Assistant told me that if I was African-American they probably would have already terminated parental rights, but they prefer that African-American babies go to African-American families (why did they have to go and inject race into this campaign? I'm running on the platform that I'm the best woman for the job!)

Honestly, the only person who hasn't made a prediction about how it will turn out is the Case Aide who's been one for over twenty years and would probably have a better idea than anyone but the judge.

It's all in a day's work really, but this aspect of foster parenting definitely was not in our reading or training.

I have learned to give other people as little information as possible (she posts in her blog that can be viewed by millions, LOL) in order to avoid having to hear their speculation. But it does come up and I am still practicing using different ways to diffuse and redirect comments. Any suggestions or techniques others have used in similar situations will be much appreciated.

The truth is, we rarely obsess anymore about whether or not Tomorrow will be part of our forever family (okay, not much). We're now in the phase of pondering what it would be like for her to go from our home where she is attachment parented to another. I struggle with whether some of the things we do with her (E.g. babywearing, sign language) will make it easier or harder for her bio mom to parent her if she is reunified with her.

And speaking of reunification (which is referred to in foster lingo as "RU"), I really do hate to gossip but I have been bursting to spill these good/bad beans: In my most recent conversation with Tomorrow's Guardian, she said that her bio mom is a "long, long way from having alone time with her, let alone even talking about reunification." They are just now in the disposition phase of her trial and she hasn't even begun her treatment plan. Amie wants the bio mom to take parenting classes and get therapy, et cetera. It's good news because it means we'll most likely have little Tomorrow with us for more than a couple more months, but it could be bad news as it potentially means we could be that much more attached to her if she RU's with her birth mom ( and I have pretty much resigned myself to a 'when' and not an 'if'.)

Humanistic me sincerely wants Tomorrow's mom to get her act together and succeed in getting her children back, and in life in general, if only for the benefit of her six daughters who will be shaped by their mother's legacy; but I woud be lying if I said that there isn't a part of me that wouldn't mind if she messed up really badly and her parental rights to Tomorrow were terminated. I sometimes daydream that she realizes how much we have to offer her daughter, relinquishes her parental rights, and tells the judge that he would like for Mike and I to adopt her daughter. I also have nightmares that Tomorrow goes back to her, is abused again, and returns to us for good.

Meanwhile, Tomorrow's bio mom is apparently seeing the man she accused of causing Tomorrow's injuries (we call him Denver Daddy#2), who is not her Baby Daddy after all. Mike took Tomorrow to a Denver Human Services building for a CSI-style swabbing one day, in order to determine paternity...by one of three possible men. So in my mind, the bio mom is headed for disaster any which way you look at it. Either A) she's a sick woman, as she's seeing the man who broke 24 of her baby's bones, or B) she knows he's safe because she caused the injuries herself.

So, in my humble opinion (IMHO), the birth mom has a long road ahead and hasn't begun walking.

You show me your bellybutton and I'll show you mine.

Tomorrow's Guardian Angel Light

I can't get enough of those sweet little cheeks!

The adorable outfit is a like-new, hand-me-down set from Miss Cassie!

Maybe growing weary of the Poppa-razzi?!

I would be remiss if I didn't blog about Tomorrow's Guardian Ad Litem (abbreviated as GAL), "Amie". She is a really cool (nose-pierced!), very friendly, smart AND bilingual attorney and mother of three daughters in Denver...and it gives me goosebumps when I think about such a great mom raising three girls in this world...I just know they will become smart, strong women!

Before I forget: Hammy calls the Guardian Ad Litem a "Guardian Angel Light".

Amie visited us last Saturday afternoon and we talked for almost an hour and a half. I felt so comfortable opening up to her and telling her *everything* about bringing Tomorrow home, all of her medical appointments and physical issues, the first family visit and my concerns about the bio/birth mom, Tomorrow's behavior when we first brought her home compared to now, and lots of other stuff that I hadn't really been able to tell one single person. Something which impressed me was that she wrote *everything* down {on a legal pad, of course} and I truly felt as if my voice was heard.

It is so complicated, being a foster mother. On one hand I am just supposed to be taking care of the baby until she can return to her family. But in the process, I am not only bonding with her and getting to know her on a deeply personal level~ perhaps even the deepest~ but I am also becoming an advocate for her. I have daydreams in which I go to court and stand up~ voice shaking and all~ and tell the judge exactly what I think about the fact that NO ONE IS IN JAIL FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS BABY. I would like to add {and I told Amie this and she smiled}: The birth mother can have her back OVER MY DEAD BODY. Even if the birth mom honestly didn't know about all of the fractures {an explanation that, to me, shows complete ignorance of her well-being and severe neglect} I now feel strongly that she does not deserve to get Tomorrow back. Ever. I apologize if you are a bio mom reading this and that stings, but it's how I feel and this is my blog. If you want to express your feelings, please start your own blog. It's sooo cathartic!

Anyway, the boys think Amie is a real angel. They were watching to see if she had wings. Moose told Amie he loves Tomorrow and really wants to keep her. It was such a good visit and gave me hope.

And speaking of angels: Codi, our case manager with Ariel Clinical Services, is coordinating a team meeting between the county caseworker, guardian, herself and I. It feels so right to be part of Tomorrow's team, and Mike will take a half day off from work* for the team meeting so I can be there sans kiddies and be able to participate in as professional a way as my heart will allow.

*Remind me to tell you about how Mike's boss discriminated against him as a foster parent with regard to leave and what Mike did to fight back as the most awesome first-time foster dad ever!

**The above photos were taken before the visit when Tomorrow and I were BOTH clean and smelling pretty AT THE SAME TIME!! A first since we brought her home, just a few showers ago, LOL.

Swandive

Been doing a lot of Reiki and craniosacral support with Baby Grrl today. Her leg muscles have been spasming a lot, and I'm hoping that is a good sign. She hates to ride in her car seat even when she is fed/burped/has had her pain meds/is in a clean dipe...so I am just going to stay home with her until she doesn't mind riding in the car.

We had a lovely home visit this morning with our case manager from our CPA (child protective agency). She is a nice person and I'm really glad we went with a small agency. It's worth it for the training and extra support. I have some serious concerns after the visit with the biological mother on Tuesday~ and while the Denver County Case Worker thanked me for calling and sharing my observations with him, he didn't say that he was going to do anything about it. The Clinical Case Manager from our licensing CPA thinks he's new and told me to share all of my concerns with the Guardian Ad Litem, or GAL, who is an attorney appointed by the court to represent. She told me that the GAL can recommend reunification or termination of parental rights, based on information from us, the case workers and family. She also seconded the idea that I keep a journal (Mike had thought of this already) to document what I feel/hear/see/think as we go through the awkward, emotional, frustrating, and painful process of visitations.

The biggest lesson for me so far has been with regard to Reiki. My teacher Mary Arnow in Utah cautioned us to not put it away after our workshops and attunements but to use it daily, and I even purchased a really neat book from her about that called the twelve gifts of healing. I gave myself and the boys nightly treatments until we moved to CO from UT and I became busy and disconnected. Since settling in our home here, I have received my second level training and attunements, but once again let the daily grind of life get in the way of being in the eternal moment. Wanting desperately to help Baby Grrl heal herself led me to tap into the divine source from which Reiki flows freely again and to remain more connected for longer periods than ever before. As I shared with my stepmom, I actually feel as if *I* could even stop taking pain medication for my Osteoarthritis if only I could maintain this level of "being in Reiki". It is the same old familiar comforting feels like coming home "conscious contact" which I experienced sixteen years ago when I was nineteen and incarcerated, and it has truly been a major spiritual re-awakening!

That said, I am exhausted, sore and spent much of the time, which works strangely well when it comes to being with the boys all day whether I got two or three hours of sleep or not as I am usually too groggy to "helicopter parent" them. Friday we had 'Yes Day' -- a day of me saying yes to everything within reason so long as it did not harm person or property (including teeth with too much candy). Hammy said it was "the best day of my whole entire life except when I was with God". I think it really helped after a couple of weeks of them hearing "in a minute", "later", and "your dad can do that with you when he gets home". I've really struggled with the way I have had to alter my time with the boys-- feeling like I'm neglecting them because of Tomorrow's high/immediate needs-- but Mister Dad encourages me so much, insisting that we are teaching the boys powerful lessons that cannot be learned by doing flash cards and worksheets. And when I asked Hammy one day, "Do you get mad about how much time I have to spend taking care of Baby Grrl?" he replied instantly, "No! Never. She is a baby." Moose still dotes on her *constantly* and is sad when she is asleep and he can't kiss her. He showers her with affection ("kiss kiss" and "hug hug" and the very special "double kiss hug") all day long and still says, "Oh, she is so cute!'' every time he sees her!

I am also teaching them infant care, massage and Reiki...and all the while emphasizing how much better and easier it was to breastfeed them as compared to bottle-feeding Tomorrow. I'm so hoping these lessons stick as I strive to be a graceful example of what it is to be a spiritual being having a human experience.

cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a baby bird fallen from the nest
and i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed

i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think

that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in

'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown

and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
i'm wiped and i'm wired
but i guess it's just as well

'cause i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
but i'm getting used to the smell

and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down

i'm going to do my best swan dive
into shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around


'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better things to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land

i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving,
my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand

i just need a little vaccination
for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead and go boldly
because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy
that falling is fun
right up 'til you hit the sidewalk
shivering and stunned

and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown...

~ Swandive by Ani DiFranco,
from the album little plastic castles