Tomorrow is ours forever.

Of course I meant to blog on the day we adopted our daughter. Yet somehow, after two years, eight months and five days of fighting, hoping, and praying that she would be able to officially become a part of our family, once she did it just felt like the most natural thing in the world.

It was as if the last piece of a very difficult and frustrating puzzle was placed. It's always easy, effortless really, to stick in the last piece of a puzzle. It's those very first pieces that are challenging, when all you have is a picture of how the finished puzzle will look. Individual pieces can look so strange by themselves. Sometimes it can seem as if they don't even belong. But once you get going -- perhaps by first finding the four corners and then doing all of the edge pieces -- you can watch as the picture begins to fill in.

June 16, 2010 was a great day. I woke up to my daughter giving me hugs and kisses and talking about our wedding. When we first told her about adopting her, she asked me if she was getting married to Daddy. I started to correct her, but decided it was cute that she thought she was getting married. We told her she was getting married to Daddy and Mommy, and her brothers, whom she refers to as her "guys".

Tomorrow knew that Wednesday was going to be a very special day as we had been talking about it the week leading up to it. The day before, she became very excited with all of the talk of "tomorrow". We would say, "WOW! We are getting married TOMORROW!" Or "I can't believe we are FINALLY going to be adopting you tomorrow!" and she would smile this incredibly sweet smile and bat her eyelashes and say something like "I know" or "I marry Nick? I marry Maggie, too?" (She persistently asked to marry my friend Nick and the cat, and to bring the cat to the wedding.)

Since the hearing wasn't until three, my sister and her husband and my nephew came to our house for lunch first. My sweet sister brought a plant for me, a gift for Tomorrow, a card, a CD she had made, toe "wedding" rings for all of us and bubbles to blow after the hearing. She is so very thoughtful and I was very grateful that she and her family was able to be present with us that day. They have been closer to Tomorrow than any other family members, and it meant a lot to all of us to have them there. Also, my sister read a poem which I will paste below later.

So after the busy-ness of getting three kids and two adults ready, plus lunch and a skipped nap for Tomorrow, we headed to the city. It was really warm in Denver. We arrived early at the courthouse in the City and County Building. It was nerve-wracking waiting for it to be our turn. I was glad that we were able to have the hearing in the same courtroom with the same judge who ordered the termination of her parental rights, making it possible for us to adopt her. I told the judge afterward that I really felt like it brought a complete closure for us to adopt her in the same physical space where I had shed so many tears (upon hearing so many sad stories of Tomorrow and her sister's and biological parent's lives). In the courtroom where one family was sadly dissolved, another family was joyfully created. That was more than just a formality.

I believe we can request a formal record of Tomorrow's adoption, including the full court transcript, but for now I have photos and videos taken by my friend Nick. It was a short and light-hearted hearing. The judge asked everyone present to introduce ourselves. Then he had all of us stand and take an oath to tell the whole truth. After that the professionals spoke on the record, saying that they thought it was a good placement and that Tomorrow should be adopted by us. The judge asked Mike and I if we were prepared to take on the full responsibility of raising Tomorrow, including teaching her to drive, helping her find a church, and paying for her college. We both agreed to accept that responsibility.

At this point the judge included Tomorrow's brothers in the hearing by asking them if they wanted to adopt her. Thankfully, they both said they did. He said becoming a brother was a big responsibility and that their responsibility was to drive their sister crazy. Then he said that it was her responsibility to drive them crazy. (I could've done without this portion of the hearing!)

Next, the judge asked the boys if there was anything they didn't like to eat. Moose immediately answered "pickles". The judge clarified that he had said pickles, and Moose nodded and added "And mustard." The judge asked Hammy what he didn't like to eat, and he also said pickles. So the judge ordered that for one week the boys did not have to eat pickles or mustard. They got a kick out of that, and they have both made sure that we kept to it.

Finally, the judge asked if there was anything else we wanted to say, and my sister read a poem to our family. I've shared part of it here before, but here it is in its entirety:

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

But seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

As living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

And He bends you with His might

That His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

So He loves also the bow that is stable.

That was a really appropriate poem for that day, and I am so happy that it's part of the court record of Tomorrow's adoption! I cannot express how much it meant to me that my sister was not only there, but willing to stand up and read a poem to our family on our "wedding day".

That was pretty much the whole of the ceremony. We had said we were going to write vows to exchange with Tomorrow, but we didn't. We had hoped that many more family members and friends would have been able to attend, but they weren't. Present that day were: Mike and I, Hammy, Moose, Tomorrow, Uncle B, Aunt J, Cousin W, Pediatrician Dr. Kiki, Clinical Case Manager Michelle, Adoption Worker Donna, and Nick. It was short and sweet, and when it was over we went outside and had hugs and took photos and blew bubbles in the parking lot.

In short, the day was nothing like I had thought it would be, and so much better.

It ended with me singing Little Star by Madonna:

Never forget who you are

Little star

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

God gave a present to me

Made of flesh and bones

My life, My soul

You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are

Little star

Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

Never forget where you came from

From love

You are a treasure to me

You are my star

You breathe

New life

Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are

Little star

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

May the angels protect you

And sadness forget you

Little star

There's no reason to weep

Lay your head down to sleep

Little star

May goodness surround you

My love

I have found you

Little star

Shining bright

And also My Darling Child by Sinead O' Connor:

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
You came and saved me

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
God gave you to me

Me little ninja
Me little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me lovely grrl
Me lovely babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy
Me little wolf
Me little lamby
My favourite girl
My angel babby
Me love me grrl
Me love me babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy

My darling child

My darling baby

My darling child

You gave life to me

And then I tucked in our precious little girl, in her beautiful princess bed, for the first night of the rest of our lives together. It was just like any other night really, which is why it was perfect.

A few more steps...

1) I made the corrections to our homestudy (12 major errors, too many typos to count, two pages in all) and signed the new Certified copy last Tuesday.

2) The Adoption Laison and Adoption worker came over last Thursday for the Presentation of the child (which really ought to have its own blog it was so great)

3) Today, I got an email with an Adoption Application attached, and I forwarded to Mike. Then he proceeded to improve the form so that he can type into it and then email it back! We will likely fill it out and return it so fast their heads will spin.

So, we're still waiting on something called the Subsidy Packet, which we will also fill out and return in record time.

The thing is that I thought perhaps we were moving quickly toward a year-end or first-of-the-year Hearing, but the Laison said "It will probably be about three more months at this point." Yet another waiting period. You all know how I feel about that by now, so need to flog a dead blog.

Is anyone even reading this anymore? Not that it matters, because it makes a great dairy/journal/writer's guidebook...but just curious.

Anything you'd like to know? Not know? See? if you were reading this as a book, what have I not discussed or touched on that you wish you knew more about?

Also, please let me know if any of you would be willing to read (and especially, to PROOFread) first drafts of my book. I will be self-publishing it.

Thanks in advance for your time, thoughts and ideas.

Today was supposed to be our big day.

Or maybe not...

I've been crying on and off since I realized it's the 20th today. I pushed hard for us to be able to adopt Princess Tomorrow today, but came up against the brick wall of bureaucracy that is Denver Human Services. We're falling through a crack here~ in between a county Case Worker who quit to move back to North Carolina and an Adoption Worker just back from "maternity leave me alone" who is part-time and just learning her job. I've bent over backwards with appointments, calls, emails, paperwork and visits in order to keep keep the ball in the air on my side of the net, but I can only do so much. It feels like my teammates don't want to win this one.

When I read an email reminder about the event this morning, it was like a punch in the stomach. It seriously felt like a loss. I'm really trying to be positive and take on Mike's attitude of "We'll just keep taking their money as long as they want to give it to us-- especially with the holidays coming up" but it's hard. *Especially with the holidays coming up* if that makes sense.

I remember baby grrl laying under our little fake tree at the end of the sleigh bed in our room (because we were too exhausted to go get a real tree) and how she batted at a pretty glass and lace ornament from my mother-in-law, and cooed at the lights. I hoped then that she would be part of our "forever family" by the next Christmas, but it came and went without termination of her biological parent's rights. So this will be our third Thanksgiving/Solstice/New Year with our sweet daughter, but we still don't have that security of knowing we will celebrate many more holidays with her. It's a precarious feeling and I don't like heights or depths. I just want to move on. I want us to be a normal family, and I want to stop writing this blog (as soon as I finish making it into a book). I want to be so busy driving around to ballet, dance classes, gymnastics, soccer, and slumber parties that I ask myself why I wanted a little princess anyway!

So this is what we won't get to participate in tomorrow:
http://www.nationaladoptionday.org/2009/events/state_details.asp?Event1State=COLORADO&Submit=Go

I am happy beyond expression for the families who will adopt tomorrow, especially the kids.

I'm finding small comfort in the idea that we will have a day of our very own that'll be really special because it will be just us at the courthouse (and anyone who wants to come witness our adoption). Maybe I ought to start planning an after-adoption party?

I just really want today to be over so I can stop ruminating! I've been on and off Facebook all day trying not to overeat or smoke. My pity party will officially end at midnight.

Thanks for listening.

Social Workers are neither social nor workers: discuss.

I'm so fed up with Ariel Clinical Services~ our CPA (Child Protective Agency)~ and the Denver DHS (Department of Human Services). They are NEITHER protective nor service-oriented.

The first time the Adoption Worker came over to visit, she asked me at the end of the visit, if I had any questions. I said, "Yes, just one: WHEN can we ADOPT our daughter?"

Specifically, I asked if it would be possible for us to adopt her on National Adoption Day, November 21. I waited a week for her to get back to me. When I called her she said she didn't know about it but she would "look into it" (I think that means blink and then forget I asked about it).

So I called the Case Manager at our CPA, Ariel. I asked her what is the holdup, what do we have to do? Where are we at in this process? And did someone drop a ball somewhere? So she said she would "look into it" and get back to me. I waited a week for HER to call me. Then I called both of them and tried to get them to talk to each other in a 3-way call. Oh no, they are too busy right now, one of them will call me when she in the office in two days, and the other one doesn't have the paperwork in front of her right now, so she will have to look at it and see "where we are at".

Finally about TWO WEEKS LATER, I find out that agency #1 has done the Certified Adoptive Homestudy, and agency #2 has done the Presentation of the Child, so the only thing left to do is "Subsidy Paperwork". THEN the two of them argue about whose job it is to do the paperwork. "Normally, the county does it" one says, and the other says exactly the opposite! "Normally the CPA does it, whoever you get your monthly check from, but I am not sure..." (she says she is "not really sure" way too often if you ask me~ and while I appreciate her honesty, maybe she could call a superior and LEARN HOW TO DO HER JOB!)

What is this subsidy anyway, and can we just decline it? I ask. It's money the state will continue giving us each month after we adopt her. I didn't know we would get another dime after adopting her. It's not as much as your foster care stipend, they tell me, but it's something. Because by adopting her we are taking the burden of her care off of the state.

So for that, you might think they would bend over backwards to push paperwork through as soon as possible, so kids can be adopted as quickly as possible and they can save more money. That's what I thought anyway. We would like to adopt her on National Adoption Day, which is November 21. (Well, for some reason it's on November 20 here in Denver).

Then the Adoption Worker says in order for us to be able to adopt her on National Adoption day November 20, we would have to have our paperwork done by this week, as in by October 30. OKAY NO PROBLEM! If I was her I would find out what was needed and not rest until it was completed and submitted to whatever person higher up the food chain has to sign it or approve it or whatever.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE FOR THEM TO DETERMINE WHAT THE STATE IS GOING TO PAY US AFTER WE ADOPT HER?! Certainly there is a formula or something that they use to figure this out? I am sure it depends on her age at adoption, diagnoses/diseases/ medications, what they perceive to be her ongoing needs (we've got it covered) and any therapeutic services that she currently utilizes (NONE).

So the Adoption Worker comes over for a visit today. Did she bring any subsidy paperwork for us to fill out or sign? Nope. Just a big, dopey grin and about a dozen questions for my kids about homeschooling including "Do you like it?"

I AM SO DONE HAVING THESE AUTOMATONS "VISIT" OUR HOME.

I AM SO SICK OF THEIR BLANK STARES WHEN I ASK THEM SPECIFIC QUESTIONS.

I AM SO ANNOYED WITH "I WILL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU" AND "I WILL HAVE TO LOOK INTO IT AND SEE WHAT I CAN FIND OUT".

I AM SO DISGUSTED BY SO-CALLED SOCIAL WORKERS WHO CANNOT COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER MEMBERS OF OUR DAUGHTER'S TEAM.

I AM SO TIRED OF THINKING FOR THESE PEOPLE.

I AM SO FED UP WITH REMINDING PEOPLE TO DO THEIR JOBS.

I AM SO PISSED THAT THEY ARE GETTING PAID TO COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE, ASK US RUDE QUESTIONS AND THEN SIGN A PIECE OF PAPER.

THEY DO NOTHING TO HELP ANYONE!

I could go on and on but I'm so angsty from thinking about it that I could explode.

Going for a walk in the snow now, to cry and clear my head...

This just in!

Got a call from the Adoption Worker (just back from maternity leave, new to her part-time job, doesn't seem to know what she is doing yet...) and there is a remote possibility that we might be able to adopt Mara in November for National Adoption Day. Don't get too excited as it would depend on one case manager completing paperwork and communicating with another, but the Adoption Worker just told me if we could push it through this week, there is a chance we could adopt her then.

This is the first time anyone has told me exactly what we are waiting on: Subsidy Paperwork. Like we care how much money they are going to give us! It won't be anywhere near the monthly stipend (that they cut every six months or so when she is doing well) so who cares? Why does it even matter. Isn't it a detail that can be finalized afterward? And is that really all that holds up adoptions like ours? One person calling another person and telling them what they need? This is just more proof that these "Social Workers" know damn good and well that there jobs depend on the system crawling due to lost paperwork and postponed court dates and meetings, et cetera. I know that probably sounds very cynical, but I have seen it firsthand and it is more common than not. I wish it weren't true and I doubt it will ever change.

We would gladly forego getting another dime for fostering or adopting her if it meant we could adopt her "free and clear". I hope it doesn't sound like I am talking about anything less than taking on the emotional, financial and physical responsibility for a person. This isn't just a "hoop to jump through" as the worker said, this is nothing less than a soul we want to save. We desperately need to be deemed her forever family, for the safety and well-being of our daughter. Because she is already our daughter, whether the state recognizes it or not, but it will feel really good for it to be official.

That's all I have.