Opinions are like...bellybuttons?!

Everybody has one, right? I've changed the key word in the usual saying since this is a family blog, but I'm sure you get my point. Everybody's got one...and some stink more than others!

I am sooo very weary of hearing people's opinions about whether or not we will be able to "keep" Tomorrow. Yes, I'll admit, in the beginning I loved to hear, "OH MY GOD there is no way that her mom is ever going to get that poor baby back!" But now that I've been up and down (and when I say down, I mean down hard) and around and around on the emotional roller coaster of other people's predictions, I want to get off and stay off, thankyouverymuch!

Here are just a few examples of the "expert" (and unsolicited) opinions I get to hear:

People I have met while waiting for various appointments (and at the coffee stand) at Children's Hospital have said everything from A: They have never seen a case this severe in such a young baby and she will not go back to her mom, to Z: They see this all the time and babies usually go back to their moms whenever they accuse dad of the abuse, IF mom leaves dad...

Another foster mom with Ariel told me we will definitely get to keep Tomorrow once the parental rights are terminated, and to hang in there because the visits are just part of the process...

The new foster mom for Tomorrow's sisters (yes, they have already been moved-- which makes me sad again for not taking them) told me she would be willing to take Tomorrow if I'm having problems keeping detached (!!) because she won't and they will all go back to their mom (and, by the way, she claims nearly expert status on the matter because she has been a foster mom for three, count 'em, one two three years). ..

And at Tomorrow's Ortho appointment last week, a Medical Assistant told me that if I was African-American they probably would have already terminated parental rights, but they prefer that African-American babies go to African-American families (why did they have to go and inject race into this campaign? I'm running on the platform that I'm the best woman for the job!)

Honestly, the only person who hasn't made a prediction about how it will turn out is the Case Aide who's been one for over twenty years and would probably have a better idea than anyone but the judge.

It's all in a day's work really, but this aspect of foster parenting definitely was not in our reading or training.

I have learned to give other people as little information as possible (she posts in her blog that can be viewed by millions, LOL) in order to avoid having to hear their speculation. But it does come up and I am still practicing using different ways to diffuse and redirect comments. Any suggestions or techniques others have used in similar situations will be much appreciated.

The truth is, we rarely obsess anymore about whether or not Tomorrow will be part of our forever family (okay, not much). We're now in the phase of pondering what it would be like for her to go from our home where she is attachment parented to another. I struggle with whether some of the things we do with her (E.g. babywearing, sign language) will make it easier or harder for her bio mom to parent her if she is reunified with her.

And speaking of reunification (which is referred to in foster lingo as "RU"), I really do hate to gossip but I have been bursting to spill these good/bad beans: In my most recent conversation with Tomorrow's Guardian, she said that her bio mom is a "long, long way from having alone time with her, let alone even talking about reunification." They are just now in the disposition phase of her trial and she hasn't even begun her treatment plan. Amie wants the bio mom to take parenting classes and get therapy, et cetera. It's good news because it means we'll most likely have little Tomorrow with us for more than a couple more months, but it could be bad news as it potentially means we could be that much more attached to her if she RU's with her birth mom ( and I have pretty much resigned myself to a 'when' and not an 'if'.)

Humanistic me sincerely wants Tomorrow's mom to get her act together and succeed in getting her children back, and in life in general, if only for the benefit of her six daughters who will be shaped by their mother's legacy; but I woud be lying if I said that there isn't a part of me that wouldn't mind if she messed up really badly and her parental rights to Tomorrow were terminated. I sometimes daydream that she realizes how much we have to offer her daughter, relinquishes her parental rights, and tells the judge that he would like for Mike and I to adopt her daughter. I also have nightmares that Tomorrow goes back to her, is abused again, and returns to us for good.

Meanwhile, Tomorrow's bio mom is apparently seeing the man she accused of causing Tomorrow's injuries (we call him Denver Daddy#2), who is not her Baby Daddy after all. Mike took Tomorrow to a Denver Human Services building for a CSI-style swabbing one day, in order to determine paternity...by one of three possible men. So in my mind, the bio mom is headed for disaster any which way you look at it. Either A) she's a sick woman, as she's seeing the man who broke 24 of her baby's bones, or B) she knows he's safe because she caused the injuries herself.

So, in my humble opinion (IMHO), the birth mom has a long road ahead and hasn't begun walking.

You show me your bellybutton and I'll show you mine.

Tomorrow's Guardian Angel Light

I can't get enough of those sweet little cheeks!

The adorable outfit is a like-new, hand-me-down set from Miss Cassie!

Maybe growing weary of the Poppa-razzi?!

I would be remiss if I didn't blog about Tomorrow's Guardian Ad Litem (abbreviated as GAL), "Amie". She is a really cool (nose-pierced!), very friendly, smart AND bilingual attorney and mother of three daughters in Denver...and it gives me goosebumps when I think about such a great mom raising three girls in this world...I just know they will become smart, strong women!

Before I forget: Hammy calls the Guardian Ad Litem a "Guardian Angel Light".

Amie visited us last Saturday afternoon and we talked for almost an hour and a half. I felt so comfortable opening up to her and telling her *everything* about bringing Tomorrow home, all of her medical appointments and physical issues, the first family visit and my concerns about the bio/birth mom, Tomorrow's behavior when we first brought her home compared to now, and lots of other stuff that I hadn't really been able to tell one single person. Something which impressed me was that she wrote *everything* down {on a legal pad, of course} and I truly felt as if my voice was heard.

It is so complicated, being a foster mother. On one hand I am just supposed to be taking care of the baby until she can return to her family. But in the process, I am not only bonding with her and getting to know her on a deeply personal level~ perhaps even the deepest~ but I am also becoming an advocate for her. I have daydreams in which I go to court and stand up~ voice shaking and all~ and tell the judge exactly what I think about the fact that NO ONE IS IN JAIL FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS BABY. I would like to add {and I told Amie this and she smiled}: The birth mother can have her back OVER MY DEAD BODY. Even if the birth mom honestly didn't know about all of the fractures {an explanation that, to me, shows complete ignorance of her well-being and severe neglect} I now feel strongly that she does not deserve to get Tomorrow back. Ever. I apologize if you are a bio mom reading this and that stings, but it's how I feel and this is my blog. If you want to express your feelings, please start your own blog. It's sooo cathartic!

Anyway, the boys think Amie is a real angel. They were watching to see if she had wings. Moose told Amie he loves Tomorrow and really wants to keep her. It was such a good visit and gave me hope.

And speaking of angels: Codi, our case manager with Ariel Clinical Services, is coordinating a team meeting between the county caseworker, guardian, herself and I. It feels so right to be part of Tomorrow's team, and Mike will take a half day off from work* for the team meeting so I can be there sans kiddies and be able to participate in as professional a way as my heart will allow.

*Remind me to tell you about how Mike's boss discriminated against him as a foster parent with regard to leave and what Mike did to fight back as the most awesome first-time foster dad ever!

**The above photos were taken before the visit when Tomorrow and I were BOTH clean and smelling pretty AT THE SAME TIME!! A first since we brought her home, just a few showers ago, LOL.

"Put the power of the universe here"

Tonight was the second family visit. It was an evening visit, from 5 to 6:30 p.m. and at a different center in a not-so-great part of town but apparently the family has to walk and it is close to Tomorrow's bio mom's apartment. Mike took Tomorrow this time since he could and I wasn't really feeling up to it. Mom brought a four pack of bibs, a pack of size 2 diapers, a really soft pair of pink socks and a small can of Similac Sensitive formula. Mike said the birth mom asked how Tomorrow was doing in the cast right from the start which is a good sign. She was glad to hear she was out of the cast and harness. The first person to hold her was the twelve year old sister who Mike said also cried when the visit was coming to an end. My heart breaks for the family, especially the sisters. I can't imagine one of my little sisters being taken when she was just a newborn baby, and only getting to see her once a week after not getting to see her at all for a few weeks.

And once again I feel the need to protect *my* heart and yet I don't know exactly how to do it. I cannot help but fall in love with this little baby, who I carry around with me most of the day and sleep with half the night (not that I don't try to get her to sleep in her crib-- believe me, I do!!)

Speaking of which...I am supposed to be going upstairs to take a nap...but I feel like I have something I need to get off my chest...I can't quite put into words yet how bittersweet this experience is. Today, I feel like I am acting like someone I am not. The family visits are wake-up calls that bring home the reality that this sweet little baby, who feels like she is ours, belongs to someone else. Even though I am the one getting up with her all night, holding her as she cries and heals from horrendous abuse, and hearing her first babbling, coos and giggles. It's days like today when I wish I had given this opportunity more consideration. But that's just my brain talking. My heart would compose an entirely different post with an adorable pic of Tomorrow.

In summary, I told Mike when he got home with Tomorrow that I will never again foster a newborn baby or very young child who is not legal risk. He said, "Honey, I know you and you wouldn't be able to say no if they called you with another baby" and I went off on him! I VOW to myself and to my kids that I will never put us through this again. Mike and the boys are falling in love with Tomorrow, too, and I imagine we will all be devastated if she is reunited with her family of origin.

Please continue to keep us in your hearts/meditation/prayers/reiki/thoughts/vibes.

Thanks for listening.