AGAIN WITH THE TAX FRAUD!

So once again this year someone else claimed Tomorrow (and her other two sisters who are in foster care) as a dependent! According to her birth mom, it was her "godmother" who offered to split the money with her. But seriously, how would the godmother come up with that idea or get the social security number to do it without birth mom's involvement. I WAS NOT BORN YESTERDAY. THIS IS NOT MY FIRST RODEO.

The first year that birth mom claimed Tomorrow (and her other sisters who were in foster care), I thought it was an innocent/ignorant mistake. There was a bit of a gray area. Tomorrow was born August 30 and placed into foster care on October 10. According to the I.R.S., because she was in our custody for a longer period of time that year, we were eligible to claim her...but we let it go.

THe next year, mom claimed them AGAIN! That time we were miffed. SHe knew better. The girls were in foster care THE ENTIRE CALENDAR YEAR. There was no grey area, no excuse. So we got proof of her placement with us from the County, filed the amendment, and figured birth mom was penalized in some way that would prevent her from trying to claim them again.

But apparently, the penalty is not severe enough. She thought of another way to get around the law. Did she think we wouldn't try to claim Tomorrow? She is in our custody! We provide her room, board, food, clothes (and training pants, princess dresses, coats, boots, shoes, ballet slippers, sippy cups, coloring books and crayons, puzzles, games, dolls, books...)

When Mike told me our claim was rejected because someone had already claimed Tomorrow, I was SO ANGRY. Then OUTRAGED. Now, I am just DISGUSTED. Once again, we had to get proof that she was in our custody THE ENTIRE YEAR and file an amended return. We now have to file by mail rather than online so it will take months rather than weeks to get our refund. Mike always files as soon as humanly possible, so we are usually spending our return by now. In fact, when he submitted our return, it was in the queue two days before the I.R.S. was accepting returns. So I think the person who claimed Tomorrow as a dependent knew damn good and well that they had to beat us to it, and/or used a professional tax filing service.

I just can't believe how despicable some people are. I know I probably should not be surprised compared to all of the other more horrendous things this woman has done or condoned, but the the fact she continues to disrespect the fact that WE ARE TOMORROW'S FAMILY NOW, has completely ruined any chance of me staying in touch with her. I have severed our email and text relationship-- and thankfully, I never gave her our address (home nor P.O. box) because I want nothing to do with her. She's a criminal and a liar, and she cannot be trusted.

TPR Ruling

Yesterday the judge terminated parental rights for all three of the younger girls.

He was supposed to give his ruling on the case at 3:30 but didn't start until almost 5 p.m. We sat through the reviews of a couple of other cases before ours.

The judge began by saying that he had received quite a few letters pertaining to the case, mostly in support of the foster parents of Tomorrow (that's us). He said that while he could not read them because it would not be fair and could bias him, his clerk did read them. He provided copies for the attorneys and the D.A. and they all read them. I hope that he will eventually be able to read them. I did not get around to writing a letter asking for him to TPR, but I do plan to write a thank you letter to him.

He began by telling the parents he was not going to make them sit and wait any longer for his decision. He came right out and said that his decision was to terminate their parental rights for all of the girls. Mom immediately burst into tears and was sobbing loudly, and I was bawling right along with her. The judge gave us some time to take a break and said while he would come back to explain his decision, the parents did not have to sit through his explanation. He said that no one would think any less of them if they did not want to sit through it, and that he would "not allow it". Mom left and I was right behind her. She stopped outside the courtroom and turned around, I think to see if her daughters were coming, and I was right there. She looked so sad and her face just crumpled up when she saw me. We hugged and she began sobbing harder as we were hugging. I could hardly speak I was crying so hard but squeaked out "I feel so sad for you," and "I am so sorry this is happening to you." I have never felt so much grief from one human being in one period of time. I have felt deep grief from people who have just lost someone-- including a boyfriend who lost his mother, and I was actually there when he received the phone call that she had passed-- but this was at least three times more intense, which makes sense if you think about it because she essentially lost three of her daughters yesterday. She told her daughters, "Come on," and they followed behind her slowly, not understanding what was happening. They had been standing there almost like deer in headlights, and I didn't realize at the time that they had no idea what had happened because they were not allowed in the courtroom. It didn't occur to me until later that someone should have explained to them what had just happened. I know I wouldn't have been able to because I literally couldn't speak. It was as if everything was happening so fast and yet in slow motion. Mom's attorney came out then and followed her. Hopefully she explained to the girls what happened and talked with mom. I didn't see what happened when she caught up to them. I just stood there watching mom and her three teenage daughters walk out of the building and thinking that it was the worst day of their lives. Mike came out into the hallway and I told him I wanted to go back in. I don't know why but at that point I felt like I really needed to hear what the judge had to say, that I myself needed to be reminded of why a mother had to lose her daughters and why it wasn't safe for them to be returned to their family of origin.

We didn't have to be there at all, and we didn't necessarily need to hear why he made his decision (especially because we sadly agreed with it). Nonetheless, I am so glad now that we stayed and listened as it was a very unifying experience. The way that he put the pieces of the case together in his own words and with his wisdom was amazing. He connected all of the dots, made connections between behaviors and outcomes, and shared his own insights that had not even been brought to light in the testimony. (E.g. Because mom herself had been abused and not believed, it made sense to him that when she was told her children had been abused she did not believe it at first and continued to question if they really had been and if the extent was so severe).

He was careful with his words but used an active voice in his writing. For example, when he reviewed the extent of Mara's injuries, he specifically stated how each fracture most likely occurred. While that was very difficult to listen to all over again, I am very satisfied that it is part of his ruling because he read it into the court record and it will be available to anyone who requests information about the outcome of the case. Like he said, "With regard to the skull fracture, she would have experienced blunt force trauma to her head," and, "With regard to her broken ribs, she would have been squeezed," and "With regard to her femur fractures, her legs would have been severely bent and twisted." So it was awful to hear again, and it made me need to hold Mara the second I got home, but it was very powerful. Even if someone had not heard any of the testimony except his judgement and summary, it would have been clear that in the end termination was truly the only available option. He did an excellent job of explaining and justifying his ruling in a way that was caring, clearly very well thought-out, humane, intelligent and necessary. I don't know how it would feel to be in the mother's shoes and if I would feel the same way, but having heard from the birth mom already through text messages today, she actually understands the ruling but does not feel that she was treated fairly by the Case Worker. She also said that she is planning to appeal. I do not know that she has any grounds for an appeal but I can understand why she feels like doing that right now.

The judge did not order a "Goodbye Visit" but asked for the Department (DHS, Denver Human Services) to coordinate one. I don't know when that will be but we did not have the regularly scheduled weekly visit this evening due to a conflict for the Case Aide. I hope some time passes before the goodbye visit. I think it would be best for mom to have some time to be very sad and then very angry, and to get a lot of her own emotions out before she interacts with the three girls.

It was a very emotional ruling, and I am still experiencing mixed emotions including: sadness for the birth mom and her entire family, relief that Mara will be able to remain with our family, and anxiety that the other girls futures are uncertain.

I need for you all to understand that while this is what we wanted-- this is literally what I personally hoped would happen-- it still isn't a joyous occasion for us. It was always our intention to adopt from foster care, and we knew that meant of course a birth family would first have to lose a child, but no book or person could have prepared us for what it would be like to experience this especially not as long as this case had dragged on (approximately eight months longer than we thought it would and than it should have according to laws pertaining to permanency planning).

I know this is what we wanted, and fought for, and asked for...but going through it is not what I expected. As much as it seems like an open and shut case, it's just not as easy or simple as it sounds. It is one thing to think about what is right, but it is another thing to experience it. I still feel like justice has not been served because no one has been charged with a crime, but that is a blog post in and of itself. There's so much more I need to say and write but right now I'm just overwhelmed. I feel so sad, yet relieved, grateful, humble, hopeful, anxious, excited, and exhausted. My neck feels like it cannot hold up my head, my heart aches, and my eyes are puffy and tired from crying and not sleeping well. I must have exchanged twenty-five text messages with Tomorrow's birth mom today, which brought me to tears for hours all over again. I will save her messages as long as I have my phone. Maybe I will even type them up here so I will have them forever.

Right now, I need a nap.

Heartbreaking Visit

This isn't a current photo but rather an old one of Tomorrow just getting ready to cry at the end of a photo session back in October, and it is one of only three pix I have of her in which she is unhappy. (The other two are of her in the body cast and the Pavlik harness and I will probably never post them here).

That is how she looked whenever I picked her up from her first visit in three weeks tonight; only she had tears streaming down her face and she was crying, nearly hyperventilating and shaking.

She was crying *sooo hard*, and the first thing her mom said was, "she has been so fussy tonight!" Fussy, really? We call that "really, really upset" in our house. We might even label it as "inconsolable". I was almost hysterical on the inside, wondering why nobody had called me, but I managed to keep my cool. I took her from the birth mom and she immediately stopped crying and laid her head on my shoulder. Then she was trying to catch her breath from sobbing so hard and long, and it was so terribly sad that I felt like crying myself. The Case Aide said that all the girls are so rambunctious at the visits and she tries to keep an eye on everyone and everything and won't nap (nevermind that she had taken a two hour nap right before the visit)...bio mom asked if she is teething (why is that the catch-all explanation for all crying that doesn't stop when something is shoved in her mouth?)...so I said (but didn't mean), "She is probably just tired."

Still, I think I saw the pain in her birth mother's eyes when I took Tomorrow from her and she stopped crying right away. So I said something about how she is at the age when babies get so attached to people that they don't go to others as easily, and I told them that she doesn't jump into her Case Manager's arms anymore either and she used to do so (she sees Codi weekly, too, so I thought it was a good comparison). Then her bio mom made the comment that this is why she needs to see her more often-- and she hadn't seen her for two weeks, so I had to agree with her. Then a weird thing happened: the Case Aide seemed to get defensive and told us that she had been on injury leave the first week and couldn't help it, and that the next week's visit fell on MLK day. But we had both offered to make up both visits another evening. The Case Aides just don't seem to have the time in their schedules (or aren't willing to make the effort to move their schedules around).

I think it is wrong, for all involved, for court-ordered family visits to be missed and not made up for more than one week. I think it is awful for her to have to go three weeks not seeing her mom and sisters and then being left with them. Yet I have to ask myself, am I at fault for not foreseeing that this would happen? After all, I'm essentially her mother. And I know that as she gets more and more attached to us, the flipside of that is that she will not be as attached to others. Sadly, the closer we grow, the less she will probably want to be held by her birth mother.

I don't know what to do. Do I offer to sit in on the next visit? Or just wait in the lobby in case I am needed for soothing? All I know is that I need to call someone tomorrow, and tell them something. Tonight just wasn't right. I haven't heard Tomorrow cry like that since she was being cut out of her body cast, and I can't imagine that happening every single week from now 'til whenever.

Meanwhile, I can't put her down tonight. I don't want to and anyway, she won't let me.

Ain't Braggin'

"It ain't braggin' if you done it." If I had a dollar for every time I've heard my stepfather say that...LOL...but he has a right to brag as he's one of the hardest working men I know! He's fighting colon cancer now, and I know someday he'll look back and say he beat cancer. It ain't braggin' if you done it, and I look forward to hearing him brag about how he did it.

I really am not one to toot my own horn, but I will be the first to tell you that being a mom to small children is one of the most challenging (and exhausting) jobs there is. I remember when my Kinesiology instructor in massage school told our class that the two toughest jobs in the world were being a ditch digger and being a caregiver to small children. I wasn't a mom myself yet, although I would find out I was pregnant soon after that lecture and his comments would echo in my mind in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't get back to sleep wondering if I was cut out for motherhood. I'm pretty sure that ditch digging is much more physically demanding than being a mom, but taking care of small children absolutely includes almost constant movement (except when it requires total stillness!); it requires bending, carrying more than 25 (usually screaming and squirming) pounds, lifting, stretching, and standing on ones feet much of the day; it demands emotional, mental, physical and spiritual strength; and most importantly, it calls for endurance and patience. It certainly isn't easy, and I never dreamed it could be so hard.

But I digress...

Today I received one of the best compliments yet in my career as a foster mom, and it reminded me that I still haven't blogged about a very touching experience I had with Tomorrow's biological mom. The county caseworker was here for a home visit. His visits alternate every other month- one month he visits us here in the home and the next month he sees Tomorrow at family visits. "Ben" is a very articulate, kind man who seems to genuinely care about both foster kids *and* bio and foster parents and acts as a professional liason using a team approach in the supervision he provides.

Ben told me that Tomorrow's bio mom cannot say enough good things about me, how Tomorrow is being cared for, how happy she looks at each visit and how cute she is always dressed for the visits! It almost feels like I'm bragging by blogging about this, but I keep thinking to myself: It ain't braggin' if you done it, and I done it!

It felt really, really good to hear that from Ben today. It felt very validating. Of course, I pshaw'd it and I'm still doubtful as this is our very first placement, but he insisted that it is rare for a bio mom to say such positive things about a foster mom. Ben also told me that Tomorrow's birth mom really appreciated the photo album we gave her (with photos of Tomorrow in it) for Christmas. I was surprised she told him about it. I had told her I was working on it but it took me a couple weeks longer than I had planned to get it put together for her; although when I finally did it ended up being the perfect time to give it to her, at the surprise family visit that ended up taking place on Christmas Eve whenever we ended up not going to Missouri. It ain't braggin' if you done it.

So I literally got choked up today, hearing that Tomorrow's bio mom feels so good about her daughter's foster care placement, and while it may be hard to believe I was momentarily at a loss for words. When I found my voice and could speak without squeaking, I told him what happened at a visit in early December when I had to bring both boys as Mike was out of town:

Because I had to bring both boys into the building to drop Tomorrow off for her visit, I brought a stroller. Perhaps because I had Tomorrow in the stroller and wasn't carrying her like I usually am, Tomorrow's mom walked right up to us and hugged me when I walked in. I was taken aback at first but hugged her back. She seemed very excited and said, "Thank you so much for everything you do for her." I remember thinking, either she is on something or she has started therapy! Her sister also said something about how cute she was dressed, and the Case Aide added, "We really appreciate you." That made me feel shy, but also like my heart ballooned to twice its normal size. I felt different while waiting for the visit to be over. I didn't feel a sense of dread about seeing her again and hearing what cockamamie ideas she had for me this time (E.g. piercing Tomorrow's ears, starting her on rice cereal and juice). It kind of felt like Tomorrow was at daycare while I read the newspaper and the boys played at the Burger King playplace that is right across the street from where the visits take place (you can't do much in an hour and a half during the rush hours). So then, after the visit, Tomorrow's birth mom walked out to the van with me and watched as I got Tomorrow, Moose and Hammy loaded into the van, then the diaper bag, my purse, stroller, et cetera. She commented that it was good for her to "see where she rides" (in her rear-facing carseat with the safety mirror hanging on the seat in front of her, tucked in with a blankie and a babydoll...) and she noticed how much Tomorrow liked Hammy who was making funny faces at her and making her giggle. I told her that Hammy is her favorite person and her hero who always cheers her up when she is fussy or grumpy, and I also confided in her that it was bittersweet for me to see how attached they already are as foster siblings. Nonetheless, I assured her that we would continue to love her as if she was our own and that we would deal with whatever happens. She then told me that she could not ask for a better foster mother, and told me how grateful she is that I am taking care of her daughter like she would if she could. (!!) I teared up big time then but somehow managed to say that it was my honor to take care of her. I don't know why I did what I did next-- maybe because it was snowing-- but I asked her if I could give her a ride home. I have to admit that I was relieved when she said no thanks, she would walk; I don't know where that ride might have taken us nor if it is really a good idea for us to go there. So we said our goodbyes, and when I drove by and waved to her, as she walked home in the snow, I thought about how empty it must feel to go home alone without your children. Although I have occasionally fantasized about not having children, the reality of them not being with me would be more than I think I could bear. In fact, some mornings, when I am so sore I feel as if I cannot get out of bed, I think about Tomorrow's bio mom. I think: if she can get up out of bed and go to work without her kids around, then I can get up and go to work with mine and one of hers here with me to make me laugh and smile often.

So there it is. We have the best possible working relationship as birth mom and foster mom. And you know why? Because we are *both* keeping our egos out of it. We are simply extending the same courtesy we give our family, to one another. We are treating each other the way we want to be treated. We are connected as mothers, through the shared experience of loving Tomorrow. And whether she was solely responsible for what happened to Tomorrow or merely negligent, she is always there for the family visits. She is usually waiting eagerly for her children to arrive. She always brings something for Tomorrow to each visit, everything from bibs and clothes to pacifiers and teethers to shoes that light up. I found out today that she is working two jobs and trying to get herself into a better housing situation. While it may seem to me and many others that her priorities are a bit out of order, she is still making an effort, and it might very well be her best.

Looking back, I can see that I have absolutely made (and am making) the very best out of the worst situation. "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -- Robert Frost

It ain't braggin' if you done it.

Tomorrow's Guardian Angel Light

I can't get enough of those sweet little cheeks!

The adorable outfit is a like-new, hand-me-down set from Miss Cassie!

Maybe growing weary of the Poppa-razzi?!

I would be remiss if I didn't blog about Tomorrow's Guardian Ad Litem (abbreviated as GAL), "Amie". She is a really cool (nose-pierced!), very friendly, smart AND bilingual attorney and mother of three daughters in Denver...and it gives me goosebumps when I think about such a great mom raising three girls in this world...I just know they will become smart, strong women!

Before I forget: Hammy calls the Guardian Ad Litem a "Guardian Angel Light".

Amie visited us last Saturday afternoon and we talked for almost an hour and a half. I felt so comfortable opening up to her and telling her *everything* about bringing Tomorrow home, all of her medical appointments and physical issues, the first family visit and my concerns about the bio/birth mom, Tomorrow's behavior when we first brought her home compared to now, and lots of other stuff that I hadn't really been able to tell one single person. Something which impressed me was that she wrote *everything* down {on a legal pad, of course} and I truly felt as if my voice was heard.

It is so complicated, being a foster mother. On one hand I am just supposed to be taking care of the baby until she can return to her family. But in the process, I am not only bonding with her and getting to know her on a deeply personal level~ perhaps even the deepest~ but I am also becoming an advocate for her. I have daydreams in which I go to court and stand up~ voice shaking and all~ and tell the judge exactly what I think about the fact that NO ONE IS IN JAIL FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS BABY. I would like to add {and I told Amie this and she smiled}: The birth mother can have her back OVER MY DEAD BODY. Even if the birth mom honestly didn't know about all of the fractures {an explanation that, to me, shows complete ignorance of her well-being and severe neglect} I now feel strongly that she does not deserve to get Tomorrow back. Ever. I apologize if you are a bio mom reading this and that stings, but it's how I feel and this is my blog. If you want to express your feelings, please start your own blog. It's sooo cathartic!

Anyway, the boys think Amie is a real angel. They were watching to see if she had wings. Moose told Amie he loves Tomorrow and really wants to keep her. It was such a good visit and gave me hope.

And speaking of angels: Codi, our case manager with Ariel Clinical Services, is coordinating a team meeting between the county caseworker, guardian, herself and I. It feels so right to be part of Tomorrow's team, and Mike will take a half day off from work* for the team meeting so I can be there sans kiddies and be able to participate in as professional a way as my heart will allow.

*Remind me to tell you about how Mike's boss discriminated against him as a foster parent with regard to leave and what Mike did to fight back as the most awesome first-time foster dad ever!

**The above photos were taken before the visit when Tomorrow and I were BOTH clean and smelling pretty AT THE SAME TIME!! A first since we brought her home, just a few showers ago, LOL.