And once again, a voice of reason is heard.

Today we had a visit from the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL). She has an assistant who has been doing home visits but I imagine she is required to visit herself from time to time.

She asked me the usual questions about how Tomorrow is doing and watched as I struggled to change her diaper and get her redressed and settled down for a bottle and a nap (the visit was right at nap time).

Then, she basically talked me out of having Tomorrow's sister in our home. She went over all of her negative behaviors: how she acts out sexually toward her foster brother and foster father, cusses people out, destroys property, fights violently with her sister, knocks over bookshelves, spits, throws things, you name it. She shared her concern that her outbursts would be very upsetting to our family. She said she is mostly concerned that Tomorrow would be negatively affected and that our boys would be as well. She also said the judge will most likely recommend that the other two girls are placed separately for adoption, which really breaks my heart while I do understand why.

Oh! She also explained why the judge did not go ahead with TPR on May 27th. Apparently he is extremely thorough and writes up a detailed account of his decision which he reads into the record. So that is why he keeps notes on his laptop and why he wanted time to make his decision. The GAL said she expects him to terminate parental rights for all three of the younger girls, and to expect that it will take some time while he explains his decisions with regard to each child in the case.

Then she went on and on about how well we are doing with Tomorrow and that felt really good. We don't get a lot of recognition-- not that any parents ever do really, but I mean as foster parents-- probably because we "only have the one foster child" and are seen by other foster parents as being inexperienced (even though we had two children before fostering), selfish and other such nonsense because we want to adopt.

All in all, it was a very reassuring visit. I feel somewhat relieved but also very sad that every professional who knows us and Tomorrow's sister does not think we should take her in. And not that she wouldn't do well in our home-- because it would be a definite upgrade for her-- but solely based on their opinions of what her presence could do to our family. We haven't even had a chance to have her over for a visit or respite. So while I want to believe the professionals who have worked with her and us, and there are definitely days when I feel like I am at the limit of my patience-- I still feel a tugging at my heart that means I haven't completely let go of the idea.

I think I may have let my strong desire to keep the two sisters together cloud my perspective and I couldn't see the forest for the two little saplings. It splinters my soul that a judge may recommend three sisters be separated, after all they have been through. But if it makes all three of the more adoptable, it can't be so bad. The GAL believes that the other two sisters would benefit from being only children due to their severe dysfunction with siblings, but it is still hard for me to accept as a sister myself. I keep trying to compare my family with theirs, but there is no comparison. Just like how I struggled with trying to understand how a mother could not know her baby was hurt, the bottom line was that the birth mom does not feel and think the way I do; and her daughters do not behave the way my sisters and I do. It is hard to imagine, but I believe in my heart that this particular set of people in DHS really do want what is best for these girls. According to the GAL, the judge is also looking ahead and realizing that it may be very difficult or even impossible to find a family who will adopt both of Tomorrow's sisters with their extreme behaviors and needs.

I wish we could be that family, but we have to put the three we already care for first...it's all I can imagine at this moment...just for today...for now.

So that's the latest. Bad news with good, as usual. Bittersweet as always.

Thank you in advance for not saying 'I told you so' even if you did.

Sending out an SOS

http://www.vladstudio.com/

In other news, I finally met the other foster mom (the four and seven year old sisters' new foster mom), "Fara", and she is really nice and down-to-Earth. She told me to be glad that I didn't tell the Denver County case worker we would take the two girls if they had to be moved again, because they fight all.the.time. Her other main impression so far is that the girls eat really fast, as if they were often deprived of food. She also said that the four y.o. girl starts to tell her things and the seven y.o. shuts her up; although she did manage to find out that the four y.o. told her older foster daughter that they "lived in a really dirty apartment with beer cans all over the place". :>(

Ain't Braggin'

"It ain't braggin' if you done it." If I had a dollar for every time I've heard my stepfather say that...LOL...but he has a right to brag as he's one of the hardest working men I know! He's fighting colon cancer now, and I know someday he'll look back and say he beat cancer. It ain't braggin' if you done it, and I look forward to hearing him brag about how he did it.

I really am not one to toot my own horn, but I will be the first to tell you that being a mom to small children is one of the most challenging (and exhausting) jobs there is. I remember when my Kinesiology instructor in massage school told our class that the two toughest jobs in the world were being a ditch digger and being a caregiver to small children. I wasn't a mom myself yet, although I would find out I was pregnant soon after that lecture and his comments would echo in my mind in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't get back to sleep wondering if I was cut out for motherhood. I'm pretty sure that ditch digging is much more physically demanding than being a mom, but taking care of small children absolutely includes almost constant movement (except when it requires total stillness!); it requires bending, carrying more than 25 (usually screaming and squirming) pounds, lifting, stretching, and standing on ones feet much of the day; it demands emotional, mental, physical and spiritual strength; and most importantly, it calls for endurance and patience. It certainly isn't easy, and I never dreamed it could be so hard.

But I digress...

Today I received one of the best compliments yet in my career as a foster mom, and it reminded me that I still haven't blogged about a very touching experience I had with Tomorrow's biological mom. The county caseworker was here for a home visit. His visits alternate every other month- one month he visits us here in the home and the next month he sees Tomorrow at family visits. "Ben" is a very articulate, kind man who seems to genuinely care about both foster kids *and* bio and foster parents and acts as a professional liason using a team approach in the supervision he provides.

Ben told me that Tomorrow's bio mom cannot say enough good things about me, how Tomorrow is being cared for, how happy she looks at each visit and how cute she is always dressed for the visits! It almost feels like I'm bragging by blogging about this, but I keep thinking to myself: It ain't braggin' if you done it, and I done it!

It felt really, really good to hear that from Ben today. It felt very validating. Of course, I pshaw'd it and I'm still doubtful as this is our very first placement, but he insisted that it is rare for a bio mom to say such positive things about a foster mom. Ben also told me that Tomorrow's birth mom really appreciated the photo album we gave her (with photos of Tomorrow in it) for Christmas. I was surprised she told him about it. I had told her I was working on it but it took me a couple weeks longer than I had planned to get it put together for her; although when I finally did it ended up being the perfect time to give it to her, at the surprise family visit that ended up taking place on Christmas Eve whenever we ended up not going to Missouri. It ain't braggin' if you done it.

So I literally got choked up today, hearing that Tomorrow's bio mom feels so good about her daughter's foster care placement, and while it may be hard to believe I was momentarily at a loss for words. When I found my voice and could speak without squeaking, I told him what happened at a visit in early December when I had to bring both boys as Mike was out of town:

Because I had to bring both boys into the building to drop Tomorrow off for her visit, I brought a stroller. Perhaps because I had Tomorrow in the stroller and wasn't carrying her like I usually am, Tomorrow's mom walked right up to us and hugged me when I walked in. I was taken aback at first but hugged her back. She seemed very excited and said, "Thank you so much for everything you do for her." I remember thinking, either she is on something or she has started therapy! Her sister also said something about how cute she was dressed, and the Case Aide added, "We really appreciate you." That made me feel shy, but also like my heart ballooned to twice its normal size. I felt different while waiting for the visit to be over. I didn't feel a sense of dread about seeing her again and hearing what cockamamie ideas she had for me this time (E.g. piercing Tomorrow's ears, starting her on rice cereal and juice). It kind of felt like Tomorrow was at daycare while I read the newspaper and the boys played at the Burger King playplace that is right across the street from where the visits take place (you can't do much in an hour and a half during the rush hours). So then, after the visit, Tomorrow's birth mom walked out to the van with me and watched as I got Tomorrow, Moose and Hammy loaded into the van, then the diaper bag, my purse, stroller, et cetera. She commented that it was good for her to "see where she rides" (in her rear-facing carseat with the safety mirror hanging on the seat in front of her, tucked in with a blankie and a babydoll...) and she noticed how much Tomorrow liked Hammy who was making funny faces at her and making her giggle. I told her that Hammy is her favorite person and her hero who always cheers her up when she is fussy or grumpy, and I also confided in her that it was bittersweet for me to see how attached they already are as foster siblings. Nonetheless, I assured her that we would continue to love her as if she was our own and that we would deal with whatever happens. She then told me that she could not ask for a better foster mother, and told me how grateful she is that I am taking care of her daughter like she would if she could. (!!) I teared up big time then but somehow managed to say that it was my honor to take care of her. I don't know why I did what I did next-- maybe because it was snowing-- but I asked her if I could give her a ride home. I have to admit that I was relieved when she said no thanks, she would walk; I don't know where that ride might have taken us nor if it is really a good idea for us to go there. So we said our goodbyes, and when I drove by and waved to her, as she walked home in the snow, I thought about how empty it must feel to go home alone without your children. Although I have occasionally fantasized about not having children, the reality of them not being with me would be more than I think I could bear. In fact, some mornings, when I am so sore I feel as if I cannot get out of bed, I think about Tomorrow's bio mom. I think: if she can get up out of bed and go to work without her kids around, then I can get up and go to work with mine and one of hers here with me to make me laugh and smile often.

So there it is. We have the best possible working relationship as birth mom and foster mom. And you know why? Because we are *both* keeping our egos out of it. We are simply extending the same courtesy we give our family, to one another. We are treating each other the way we want to be treated. We are connected as mothers, through the shared experience of loving Tomorrow. And whether she was solely responsible for what happened to Tomorrow or merely negligent, she is always there for the family visits. She is usually waiting eagerly for her children to arrive. She always brings something for Tomorrow to each visit, everything from bibs and clothes to pacifiers and teethers to shoes that light up. I found out today that she is working two jobs and trying to get herself into a better housing situation. While it may seem to me and many others that her priorities are a bit out of order, she is still making an effort, and it might very well be her best.

Looking back, I can see that I have absolutely made (and am making) the very best out of the worst situation. "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -- Robert Frost

It ain't braggin' if you done it.

Been Busy Bonding!

Tomorrow's favorite new position is forward-facing (a.k.a. "kangaroo carry") in the Moby Wrap. Today she watched me shred spaghetti squash, peel and chop butternut squash, and prepare oatmeal craisin cookie dough and dough for dog biscuits. The only thing I don't like about this carry is not being able to see her cute little face so we go look in the mirror when I need a fix. ;>)

The Cutie Patootie bib was a hand-me-down from Miss Cass and is my FAVORITE! Tomorrow has a bunch of bibs but that is the only one that truly catches it all as it is almost like a dickie. If anyone knows where I can get these type of bibs please let me know.

But the best part: Hammy took these photos!

Yikes! I haven't posted for a while! I guess I get so immersed/involved in the moment/in the real world I forget there is an online world. I have just been busy living life and loving my kids!

Tomorrow is doing really well and being her foster mom is THE BEST JOB I HAVE EVER HAD. Ariel determined her to be a "Level Three" which has a $1,000 monthly stipend so I will not have to return to work at Home Instead. Which is good because I cannot imagine squeezing one.more.thing. into my day right now. Moose told me a few weeks ago what he likes best about Tomorrow being with us is that I don't have to go to work anymore and I can just stay home. "Mom, you don't have to work anymore!" he told me with glee. So how could I burst his little bubble by informing him that being a SAHM/WAHM (stay-at-home-mom/work-at-home-mom) is a 24/7 job with no insurance, comp time or vacation *and* that I am underpaid and overworked?!

Anyway, short post long, it seems that the more we attachment parent Tomorrow (we honestly don't know how to parent any other way), the more she expects her needs to be met instantly! ;>) She keeps us on our toes with her almost constant need for social attention right now. We know that the way she *yells* at us and expects to be held and talked with almost constantly is a testament to our parenting style. She is a smart baby who won't settle for being stuck in her bouncer seat or swing for very long. She will put up with one or the other for just about the amount of time it takes me to use the toilet! Sorry if that's TMI but it is the truth! The fact that I have all but abandoned this baby blog and the seemingly Herculean task of checking my email are both good signs, too. No news in this case is very good news. I could write a book about the frustrations I have with the "justice" system and Denver County Human Services (*not* Ariel), and I probably will someday-- but for now, just know that we're all well.

Oh! Except Mike will be out of town for a few days. So keep us in your prayers/thoughts. I'm nervous about being on my own with three kiddoes but I try to think of so many women who do it every day all year long under the worst of conditions and somehow that gives me strength.

All the Love to you all.

Swandive

Been doing a lot of Reiki and craniosacral support with Baby Grrl today. Her leg muscles have been spasming a lot, and I'm hoping that is a good sign. She hates to ride in her car seat even when she is fed/burped/has had her pain meds/is in a clean dipe...so I am just going to stay home with her until she doesn't mind riding in the car.

We had a lovely home visit this morning with our case manager from our CPA (child protective agency). She is a nice person and I'm really glad we went with a small agency. It's worth it for the training and extra support. I have some serious concerns after the visit with the biological mother on Tuesday~ and while the Denver County Case Worker thanked me for calling and sharing my observations with him, he didn't say that he was going to do anything about it. The Clinical Case Manager from our licensing CPA thinks he's new and told me to share all of my concerns with the Guardian Ad Litem, or GAL, who is an attorney appointed by the court to represent. She told me that the GAL can recommend reunification or termination of parental rights, based on information from us, the case workers and family. She also seconded the idea that I keep a journal (Mike had thought of this already) to document what I feel/hear/see/think as we go through the awkward, emotional, frustrating, and painful process of visitations.

The biggest lesson for me so far has been with regard to Reiki. My teacher Mary Arnow in Utah cautioned us to not put it away after our workshops and attunements but to use it daily, and I even purchased a really neat book from her about that called the twelve gifts of healing. I gave myself and the boys nightly treatments until we moved to CO from UT and I became busy and disconnected. Since settling in our home here, I have received my second level training and attunements, but once again let the daily grind of life get in the way of being in the eternal moment. Wanting desperately to help Baby Grrl heal herself led me to tap into the divine source from which Reiki flows freely again and to remain more connected for longer periods than ever before. As I shared with my stepmom, I actually feel as if *I* could even stop taking pain medication for my Osteoarthritis if only I could maintain this level of "being in Reiki". It is the same old familiar comforting feels like coming home "conscious contact" which I experienced sixteen years ago when I was nineteen and incarcerated, and it has truly been a major spiritual re-awakening!

That said, I am exhausted, sore and spent much of the time, which works strangely well when it comes to being with the boys all day whether I got two or three hours of sleep or not as I am usually too groggy to "helicopter parent" them. Friday we had 'Yes Day' -- a day of me saying yes to everything within reason so long as it did not harm person or property (including teeth with too much candy). Hammy said it was "the best day of my whole entire life except when I was with God". I think it really helped after a couple of weeks of them hearing "in a minute", "later", and "your dad can do that with you when he gets home". I've really struggled with the way I have had to alter my time with the boys-- feeling like I'm neglecting them because of Tomorrow's high/immediate needs-- but Mister Dad encourages me so much, insisting that we are teaching the boys powerful lessons that cannot be learned by doing flash cards and worksheets. And when I asked Hammy one day, "Do you get mad about how much time I have to spend taking care of Baby Grrl?" he replied instantly, "No! Never. She is a baby." Moose still dotes on her *constantly* and is sad when she is asleep and he can't kiss her. He showers her with affection ("kiss kiss" and "hug hug" and the very special "double kiss hug") all day long and still says, "Oh, she is so cute!'' every time he sees her!

I am also teaching them infant care, massage and Reiki...and all the while emphasizing how much better and easier it was to breastfeed them as compared to bottle-feeding Tomorrow. I'm so hoping these lessons stick as I strive to be a graceful example of what it is to be a spiritual being having a human experience.

cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a baby bird fallen from the nest
and i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed

i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think

that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in

'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown

and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
i'm wiped and i'm wired
but i guess it's just as well

'cause i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
but i'm getting used to the smell

and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down

i'm going to do my best swan dive
into shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around


'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better things to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land

i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving,
my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand

i just need a little vaccination
for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead and go boldly
because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy
that falling is fun
right up 'til you hit the sidewalk
shivering and stunned

and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown...

~ Swandive by Ani DiFranco,
from the album little plastic castles

Resistance = futile

It will most likely come as no surprise to you, dear readers and supporters of Tomorrow, that *I* had the (first?) meltdown, after a hard day's night with a fussy baby girl who sounded like a broken squeak toy and seemed as if she was trying to tell me everything that has happened to her. I wore her for three hours in the mei tai, as it was the only way to keep her from crying. I would do the babywearing dance and shush her to sleep and then she would wake again as if startled. I heard Mike turn off his alarm at three a.m. and I figured he really needed to sleep longer so I thought I would stick it out as long as I could but I finally had to wake him up at about 3:30 a.m. because I felt like I couldn't breathe and was thinking I can't do this/This was a mistake/We have to give her back. When I handed Tomorrow off to Mike and she stopped crying immediately, I started crying and cried myself to sleep knowing she was in good hands.

Mike has been a rock and, like me, was bonded to Tomorrow before we even brought her home from the hospital. They had their first nap together at the hospital in a recliner while I was working on getting her discharged. My husband is such an amazing man! He has grown into a really patient and nurturing father, as well as an encouraging and supportive husband. I am so fortunate, and it's the trying times like these that make me realize just how fortunate I am.

Sometimes it's hard to care for Tomorrow, but I truly feel honored to be her foster mother. I cannot pretend that I would be okay with handing her over to *anyone* else at this point-- I feel so attached to her already, and last night only cemented that bonding. I got down on my knees at one point with her strapped onto me in the mei tai, and prayed hard for guidance, for some sign that this is what we are supposed to be doing. I can see more clearly today, after getting five hours of sleep, that we have already received a sign and she has the most beautiful, big, brown eyes.

But then today, we got a call from the Denver County caseworker asking if we would take the four-year-old and seven-year-old siblings!! Mike politely told her no because we have our hands full with Tomorrow, but thanks for asking- and even though I knew (instantly!) that was the right thing to do for our family, it felt as if two more little pieces broke off of my very fragile heart. Still, it was also like a ray of light at the end of what I imagine will be a long tunnel. If the grandmother can't handle the other five siblings, there is little chance that Tomorrow will be placed in her custody.

After all of that, I needed to process the phone call aloud and did so with a new friend from Prairie Unitarian Universalist (UU) Church who is a foster mother and adopted her daughter when she ten months old. Mike had taken the boys to the skate park, so we were able to have a nice conversation while Tomorrow napped on me. It was good to confide in and laugh with someone who has been here and done this. She agreed that today's call boded well for our chances to adopt Tomorrow, and just talking about it brought some hope to the day and lifted my mood. We are so fortunate to know her and her husband, and they have offered to provide respite for us when we are ready since they are licensed as a foster family. That is just one of many situations that feel absolutely heaven sent. It is so awesome to experience synchronicity, and to discover more ways to connect with others.

And speaking of synchronicity, this morning my Yogi Tea teabag tag said, "The art of happiness is to serve all." I took that as a good sign, too, and will adopt it as a new mantra.

The photo above is for my Grand-Mother Charlotte. She has a really neat story about holding one another's hands that I will try to remember to ask her to type up and email to me; and I have always thought of her when my babies hold onto my finger. Tomorrow likes to sleep holding onto my pinkie finger. If I try to slip out of her grip she fusses loudly, and won't settle back down unless I let her have my pinkie back. It seems the least I can do to just give in and let her hold on tight all night long and simply be there for her in whatever way she needs.