Swandive

Been doing a lot of Reiki and craniosacral support with Baby Grrl today. Her leg muscles have been spasming a lot, and I'm hoping that is a good sign. She hates to ride in her car seat even when she is fed/burped/has had her pain meds/is in a clean dipe...so I am just going to stay home with her until she doesn't mind riding in the car.

We had a lovely home visit this morning with our case manager from our CPA (child protective agency). She is a nice person and I'm really glad we went with a small agency. It's worth it for the training and extra support. I have some serious concerns after the visit with the biological mother on Tuesday~ and while the Denver County Case Worker thanked me for calling and sharing my observations with him, he didn't say that he was going to do anything about it. The Clinical Case Manager from our licensing CPA thinks he's new and told me to share all of my concerns with the Guardian Ad Litem, or GAL, who is an attorney appointed by the court to represent. She told me that the GAL can recommend reunification or termination of parental rights, based on information from us, the case workers and family. She also seconded the idea that I keep a journal (Mike had thought of this already) to document what I feel/hear/see/think as we go through the awkward, emotional, frustrating, and painful process of visitations.

The biggest lesson for me so far has been with regard to Reiki. My teacher Mary Arnow in Utah cautioned us to not put it away after our workshops and attunements but to use it daily, and I even purchased a really neat book from her about that called the twelve gifts of healing. I gave myself and the boys nightly treatments until we moved to CO from UT and I became busy and disconnected. Since settling in our home here, I have received my second level training and attunements, but once again let the daily grind of life get in the way of being in the eternal moment. Wanting desperately to help Baby Grrl heal herself led me to tap into the divine source from which Reiki flows freely again and to remain more connected for longer periods than ever before. As I shared with my stepmom, I actually feel as if *I* could even stop taking pain medication for my Osteoarthritis if only I could maintain this level of "being in Reiki". It is the same old familiar comforting feels like coming home "conscious contact" which I experienced sixteen years ago when I was nineteen and incarcerated, and it has truly been a major spiritual re-awakening!

That said, I am exhausted, sore and spent much of the time, which works strangely well when it comes to being with the boys all day whether I got two or three hours of sleep or not as I am usually too groggy to "helicopter parent" them. Friday we had 'Yes Day' -- a day of me saying yes to everything within reason so long as it did not harm person or property (including teeth with too much candy). Hammy said it was "the best day of my whole entire life except when I was with God". I think it really helped after a couple of weeks of them hearing "in a minute", "later", and "your dad can do that with you when he gets home". I've really struggled with the way I have had to alter my time with the boys-- feeling like I'm neglecting them because of Tomorrow's high/immediate needs-- but Mister Dad encourages me so much, insisting that we are teaching the boys powerful lessons that cannot be learned by doing flash cards and worksheets. And when I asked Hammy one day, "Do you get mad about how much time I have to spend taking care of Baby Grrl?" he replied instantly, "No! Never. She is a baby." Moose still dotes on her *constantly* and is sad when she is asleep and he can't kiss her. He showers her with affection ("kiss kiss" and "hug hug" and the very special "double kiss hug") all day long and still says, "Oh, she is so cute!'' every time he sees her!

I am also teaching them infant care, massage and Reiki...and all the while emphasizing how much better and easier it was to breastfeed them as compared to bottle-feeding Tomorrow. I'm so hoping these lessons stick as I strive to be a graceful example of what it is to be a spiritual being having a human experience.

cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a baby bird fallen from the nest
and i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed

i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think

that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in

'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown

and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
i'm wiped and i'm wired
but i guess it's just as well

'cause i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
but i'm getting used to the smell

and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down

i'm going to do my best swan dive
into shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around


'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better things to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land

i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving,
my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand

i just need a little vaccination
for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead and go boldly
because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy
that falling is fun
right up 'til you hit the sidewalk
shivering and stunned

and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown...

~ Swandive by Ani DiFranco,
from the album little plastic castles