Tonight was the second family visit. It was an evening visit, from 5 to 6:30 p.m. and at a different center in a not-so-great part of town but apparently the family has to walk and it is close to Tomorrow's bio mom's apartment. Mike took Tomorrow this time since he could and I wasn't really feeling up to it. Mom brought a four pack of bibs, a pack of size 2 diapers, a really soft pair of pink socks and a small can of Similac Sensitive formula. Mike said the birth mom asked how Tomorrow was doing in the cast right from the start which is a good sign. She was glad to hear she was out of the cast and harness. The first person to hold her was the twelve year old sister who Mike said also cried when the visit was coming to an end. My heart breaks for the family, especially the sisters. I can't imagine one of my little sisters being taken when she was just a newborn baby, and only getting to see her once a week after not getting to see her at all for a few weeks.
And once again I feel the need to protect *my* heart and yet I don't know exactly how to do it. I cannot help but fall in love with this little baby, who I carry around with me most of the day and sleep with half the night (not that I don't try to get her to sleep in her crib-- believe me, I do!!)
Speaking of which...I am supposed to be going upstairs to take a nap...but I feel like I have something I need to get off my chest...I can't quite put into words yet how bittersweet this experience is. Today, I feel like I am acting like someone I am not. The family visits are wake-up calls that bring home the reality that this sweet little baby, who feels like she is ours, belongs to someone else. Even though I am the one getting up with her all night, holding her as she cries and heals from horrendous abuse, and hearing her first babbling, coos and giggles. It's days like today when I wish I had given this opportunity more consideration. But that's just my brain talking. My heart would compose an entirely different post with an adorable pic of Tomorrow.
In summary, I told Mike when he got home with Tomorrow that I will never again foster a newborn baby or very young child who is not legal risk. He said, "Honey, I know you and you wouldn't be able to say no if they called you with another baby" and I went off on him! I VOW to myself and to my kids that I will never put us through this again. Mike and the boys are falling in love with Tomorrow, too, and I imagine we will all be devastated if she is reunited with her family of origin.
Please continue to keep us in your hearts/meditation/prayers/reiki/thoughts/vibes.
Thanks for listening.
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