TPR Ruling

Yesterday the judge terminated parental rights for all three of the younger girls.

He was supposed to give his ruling on the case at 3:30 but didn't start until almost 5 p.m. We sat through the reviews of a couple of other cases before ours.

The judge began by saying that he had received quite a few letters pertaining to the case, mostly in support of the foster parents of Tomorrow (that's us). He said that while he could not read them because it would not be fair and could bias him, his clerk did read them. He provided copies for the attorneys and the D.A. and they all read them. I hope that he will eventually be able to read them. I did not get around to writing a letter asking for him to TPR, but I do plan to write a thank you letter to him.

He began by telling the parents he was not going to make them sit and wait any longer for his decision. He came right out and said that his decision was to terminate their parental rights for all of the girls. Mom immediately burst into tears and was sobbing loudly, and I was bawling right along with her. The judge gave us some time to take a break and said while he would come back to explain his decision, the parents did not have to sit through his explanation. He said that no one would think any less of them if they did not want to sit through it, and that he would "not allow it". Mom left and I was right behind her. She stopped outside the courtroom and turned around, I think to see if her daughters were coming, and I was right there. She looked so sad and her face just crumpled up when she saw me. We hugged and she began sobbing harder as we were hugging. I could hardly speak I was crying so hard but squeaked out "I feel so sad for you," and "I am so sorry this is happening to you." I have never felt so much grief from one human being in one period of time. I have felt deep grief from people who have just lost someone-- including a boyfriend who lost his mother, and I was actually there when he received the phone call that she had passed-- but this was at least three times more intense, which makes sense if you think about it because she essentially lost three of her daughters yesterday. She told her daughters, "Come on," and they followed behind her slowly, not understanding what was happening. They had been standing there almost like deer in headlights, and I didn't realize at the time that they had no idea what had happened because they were not allowed in the courtroom. It didn't occur to me until later that someone should have explained to them what had just happened. I know I wouldn't have been able to because I literally couldn't speak. It was as if everything was happening so fast and yet in slow motion. Mom's attorney came out then and followed her. Hopefully she explained to the girls what happened and talked with mom. I didn't see what happened when she caught up to them. I just stood there watching mom and her three teenage daughters walk out of the building and thinking that it was the worst day of their lives. Mike came out into the hallway and I told him I wanted to go back in. I don't know why but at that point I felt like I really needed to hear what the judge had to say, that I myself needed to be reminded of why a mother had to lose her daughters and why it wasn't safe for them to be returned to their family of origin.

We didn't have to be there at all, and we didn't necessarily need to hear why he made his decision (especially because we sadly agreed with it). Nonetheless, I am so glad now that we stayed and listened as it was a very unifying experience. The way that he put the pieces of the case together in his own words and with his wisdom was amazing. He connected all of the dots, made connections between behaviors and outcomes, and shared his own insights that had not even been brought to light in the testimony. (E.g. Because mom herself had been abused and not believed, it made sense to him that when she was told her children had been abused she did not believe it at first and continued to question if they really had been and if the extent was so severe).

He was careful with his words but used an active voice in his writing. For example, when he reviewed the extent of Mara's injuries, he specifically stated how each fracture most likely occurred. While that was very difficult to listen to all over again, I am very satisfied that it is part of his ruling because he read it into the court record and it will be available to anyone who requests information about the outcome of the case. Like he said, "With regard to the skull fracture, she would have experienced blunt force trauma to her head," and, "With regard to her broken ribs, she would have been squeezed," and "With regard to her femur fractures, her legs would have been severely bent and twisted." So it was awful to hear again, and it made me need to hold Mara the second I got home, but it was very powerful. Even if someone had not heard any of the testimony except his judgement and summary, it would have been clear that in the end termination was truly the only available option. He did an excellent job of explaining and justifying his ruling in a way that was caring, clearly very well thought-out, humane, intelligent and necessary. I don't know how it would feel to be in the mother's shoes and if I would feel the same way, but having heard from the birth mom already through text messages today, she actually understands the ruling but does not feel that she was treated fairly by the Case Worker. She also said that she is planning to appeal. I do not know that she has any grounds for an appeal but I can understand why she feels like doing that right now.

The judge did not order a "Goodbye Visit" but asked for the Department (DHS, Denver Human Services) to coordinate one. I don't know when that will be but we did not have the regularly scheduled weekly visit this evening due to a conflict for the Case Aide. I hope some time passes before the goodbye visit. I think it would be best for mom to have some time to be very sad and then very angry, and to get a lot of her own emotions out before she interacts with the three girls.

It was a very emotional ruling, and I am still experiencing mixed emotions including: sadness for the birth mom and her entire family, relief that Mara will be able to remain with our family, and anxiety that the other girls futures are uncertain.

I need for you all to understand that while this is what we wanted-- this is literally what I personally hoped would happen-- it still isn't a joyous occasion for us. It was always our intention to adopt from foster care, and we knew that meant of course a birth family would first have to lose a child, but no book or person could have prepared us for what it would be like to experience this especially not as long as this case had dragged on (approximately eight months longer than we thought it would and than it should have according to laws pertaining to permanency planning).

I know this is what we wanted, and fought for, and asked for...but going through it is not what I expected. As much as it seems like an open and shut case, it's just not as easy or simple as it sounds. It is one thing to think about what is right, but it is another thing to experience it. I still feel like justice has not been served because no one has been charged with a crime, but that is a blog post in and of itself. There's so much more I need to say and write but right now I'm just overwhelmed. I feel so sad, yet relieved, grateful, humble, hopeful, anxious, excited, and exhausted. My neck feels like it cannot hold up my head, my heart aches, and my eyes are puffy and tired from crying and not sleeping well. I must have exchanged twenty-five text messages with Tomorrow's birth mom today, which brought me to tears for hours all over again. I will save her messages as long as I have my phone. Maybe I will even type them up here so I will have them forever.

Right now, I need a nap.