One month until the next court hearing -OR- Why I don't sleep well these nights.

There's a hearing scheduled for December 12 and it's been described as "a chance for the judge to just check in and see how everyone is doing before the case goes to the TPR hearing in March". Apparently, the case comes up for review every ninety days. I don't know why I am not used to this yet. It's a short enough period of time that it feels like nothing much has changed or developed (this time), but yet it's somehow long enough that I almost forget we do not have custody of Mara every.single.time.

It's so hard to think of Mara not being part of our family, and I try to avoid it! She has really begun to express her affection for us all. When she throws her little arms around my neck and hugs me, the last thing on my mind is that she is not "mine" or "ours". Her adorable little thing lately is to tell me, "Goo gull, ma," (Good girl, mom) whenever I do something that pleases her. And she claps her hands and says, "Yay! Did it!" when I pick something up or put things away.

She also screams A LOT, about almost anything and everything when she is not getting her way, but I think we're getting used to it. Mike tells me almost every day, "It's just a phase, honey," and I usually snort and roll my eyes. Yeah, it's a phase, and it will last her entire life!

I wanted to nap with her this afternoon, but just laid there and gazed at her sweet little face with a smile on it, and cried the familiar tears of not-knowing. I just want it all to be over, I want it to be done and decided, but we have to go through this painstaking process that keeps our family in this weird sort of limbo. I know that these months will pass quickly, especially because of the holidays; but there is also the fact that the holidays will make it all that much more bittersweet.

Will this be our last Christmas with her?
Will she be with me for the next Mother's Day?
Will we get to celebrate her second birthday with her?


We are into our fourteenth month of sleep deprivation and currently taking turns sleeping in her room with her (she sleeps in her crib-- which is really more like a day bed now that the front rail has been removed-- and we sleep on the day bed). She does not sleep through the night and she is formula fed. Yes, we give her lots of stick-to-the-gut solids before bed, too. She just doesn't sleep very well or for very long, and we aren't supposed to sleep with her, which is how she sleeps best. In fact, when she's eighteen months old, we're not even supposed to sleep in her room. That ought to be fun. I can see her standing at the side of the bed now. I would picture her at Daddy's side of the bed, but he's much harder to wake up.

And I digress...from hearing to sleeping (or not sleeping)...from the mind of a mom who needs nap...but sips her second cup of artificially-sweetened coffee instead.