Biting and other signs of aggression.

It isn't always hard.


Baby Grrl bit Moose this morning. It wasn't the first time, and it might not be the last, but it was the first time her teeth broke the skin. I think I need to fill out an incident report (and this time check the "Injury to Other" box), but I feel like I need to sort out my feelings first. I came very close to smacking Baby Grrl on the mouth today, and realized that there is still a difference in how I feel about her. At least I don't remember feeling this way when Moose bit Hammy, which my better half reminded me of when I called him at work in my exasperation (while Baby Grrl sat in time out on the bottom step on the other side of a gate, safe from me!) This was right after Nana called, and I answered the phone by saying, "I don't know why I answered the phone! Baby Grrl just bit Moose and she is in time out." But the truth is, I needed a distraction. I answered the phone to buy her some time! :>S

Children bite. It is par for the course of childhood. But I have this voice in my head, the voice of one of my former La Leche League Leaders in Creve Couer, and it says, "Biting is the ultimate sign of aggression. When you have a biter, you have some real trouble." (and she was referring to a child biting another child, nto a child biting Mommy!) Now, I don't want to go off on a tangent of why LLL Leaders have to be careful of what they say when it does not involve breastfeeding, because this is not the blog post for that. But that Leader's voice does haunt me, and when combined with everything I can find in my parenting books, one would think that biting is the mark of Satan's spawn. What gives? Why is it cute when a toddler bites on her teether, but not her brother? Why the over-reaction? And why do I feel so fiercely protective of Moose? Was I like that back when Moose was biting Hammy? Did it make me feel like a failure as a mother? And why do I blame myself for everything.the.kids.do.or.don't.do?

All I know is that I had to take a full minute to get myself together before saying, "We do not bite! OUCH! Biting hurts!" whereas that sort of redirection would normally come naturally to me after raising two toddlers. This is my third time civilizing a wild monkey. So why does it feel like I'm driving without headlights?

I've decided it's called Child Rearing because we must teach them via their rear when needed (I'm only half-joking). I only had to spank Hammy ONCE for standing up in the bathtub, and Moose twice because he is a bit obstinate. But because I cannot spank Baby Grrl, she stands up in the bathtub every.single.time. I give her a bath, and attempts it several times per bath, and all I can do is say, "Sit down! We do not stand up in the bath tub," and remove her if and when she does stand up again (which probably sounds, from across the street, as if we are murdering her because she absolutely loves to take a bath and absolutely hates being removed from it).

No, spanking is not the answer to everything (certainly not hitting). But it is very effective with toddlers who do not yet possess the ability to process logic and insist on running towards the street. They cannot be reasoned with, and you are wasting your time and their respect by lecturing them. Just stopping them works well when a parent is present, but operant conditioning works even when a parent is not there! This is where the Behaviorist in me pushes the Humanist aside and says, "Let me handle this. You are using too many words. Natural consequences speak volumes." Obviously, I cannot let the kids run into the street and get hit by a car. But neither can I sit there and watch Baby Grrl bite Moose and say, "Natural consequences." He was just standing there, leaning on the coffee table, and she wanted to be where he was and she had tried climbing up him and shoving him and neither approach had worked. Oh wait, she also tried screaming at the top of her lungs, but he just laughed at her. Hammy and Moose really are good-natured kiddoes. they mostly observe her tantrums and comment on them, without any judgement or criticism. Occasionally Hammy will say, "I hope she grows out of THAT soon!"

I have to tell Moose at least once every evening not to lay on the floor in front of the TV and let her climb on him, pinch him, poke him, pull his hair, or smack his face. "We teach other people how to treat us," I say. But they let her treat them like jungle gyms and then she wonders why Mike and I won't let her do it to us.

Well, I think I've managed to stay mostly on track here, but have ended up wishing I could spank Baby Grrl, and that was not the point of my blog post! Being a foster parent to Baby Grrl has definitely taken me well out of my comfort zone. I said I would never foster a child who was not available for adoption, but I couldn't say no when they called about Baby Grrl. I said I would take the child(ren) that no one else wanted, but we took in one whose biological parent still claims to want.

I hope my honesty here is not misunderstood. I just don't buy it when people say they love their foster-adopted children the same as their own, but maybe it comes with time. All I can do is be honest and admit that it is different, for me, right now. I hope that it changes when we adopt her, but this is where I am now.





*A note to followers: you may notice I'm returning to using nicknames for the kids; this is in anticipation of going public again after the TPR hearing in March, so more people can read our adventures in foster-parenting and hopefully be moved to give it a try themselves. Bear with me as I finger out how information is displayed between my two blogs. Just be glad I took the politics somewhere else. ;>)