Administrative Review

I apologize for not blogging more often. I have needed to turn within since the Permanency Planning hearing, and have been doing some deep soul work. I've also been busy with Baby Grrl climbing stairs, getting into everything and outgrowing her clothes!

Plus, we provided respite for another foster family who had to go to a funeral out of state, and we had two more girls staying with us for four days! I did not feel that I could meet every one's needs when DH was at work, but we just played outside and I let everyone get really dirty! I definitely would not want that many kiddoes long-term. I think three may even be limit. I do not always deal with excessive noise and stress very well, and that is all that parenthood is all about. Child spacing is key!

So last Friday we had our Administrative Review with Denver Human Services' "Performance Improvement and Accountability" department. I could not attend the review in person as I did not have child care for our sons, so I attended by teleconference using a headset, while supervising DS2 on the laptop, DS1 on penmanship, and putting Baby Grrl down for her nap (yes, I am Supermom, LOL!)

The people present for the review were the Case Worker (CW), the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) and the Reviewer. No one else had arrived for the review at the start of our appointment, so it was just me and the above people, which was a huge relief. Nonetheless, I had decided ahead of time to treat this as any performance review, and strive to be positive and professional. Sure, deep inside I wanted to scream "YOU CANNOT TAKE THIS BABY AWAY FROM US! THERE IS NO WAY HER BIOLOGICAL MOTHER CAN HANDLE SIX CHILDREN ON HER OWN!" But if it were a performance review for a "real" job, and I was meeting with the regional manager who supervised my supervisors whom I had never met before, I would not tell him all about how my co-workers annoy me and make me want to quit my job some days. Thus, I remained calm, and think I did well.

The Reviewer's questions centered around Baby Grrl's injuries, medical care, well-being and court-ordered family visitation. I, of course, raved about the care we have received at the local Children's Hospital, and I tooted my horn with regard to the daily massage and physical therapy I have provided (which I am sure has contributed to Bay Grrl's amazing recovery and obnoxious physical abilities). I also shared how she has met every developmental milestone, many quite early, and how my main concern at this time is her attachment to our family. Normally, the concern is that kids are NOT attached. The Reviewer commented that it made sense that she would think of us as her family, since she has been with us since she was only five weeks old. He added that attachment is crucial to development and commended us for encouraging bonding even if she may end up being reunified with her biological mother. The CW and GAL both said very nice things about our family and the care we have provided Baby Grrl, and I felt very proud and got a little choked up (that is when it is good to be on a teleconference).

When asked about the weekly visits, I was forthcoming about the growing difficulty in transferring Baby Grrl to her bio mom. She is panicky and tearful at the start of visits, always sticking out her bottom lip and looking at us as if to say, What are you doing to me? We have resorted to using the stroller as a way to make the transition less painful for her. When we hand her to mom, she will stare at her and then lean back and turn towards us and lean over to try to get back in our arms (if you've been around attached babies, you've seen The Dive). It is hard enough to let her go to visits not knowing if she is going to be safe, and it is even harder with that sort of reaction. And no matter how hard I try to play the role of All Things To All People/Happy Clown, it ends up being awkward at best. I try to make polite conversation with her bio mom and the Case Aide (CA) for about five minutes (two if DH is dropping her off for the visit, LOL, and we take turns) and fill them in on what she is doing involving her as much as possible so that she feels more at ease, but when she keeps fussing and trying to get me to take her back, I usually end up saying, "Okay, have a good visit and call me if she needs me."

Anyway, back to The Review. I made sure that I did not say anything negative about Bio Mom, although in retrospect I also forgot to say anything positive about the CA, CW, or GAL. Maybe there is a reason why I didn't feel moved to rave about them. My mom always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". I haven't always lived by that dictum, but I am learning that it comes in handy with DHS. I think they are so busy doing damage control right now that they don't really have time to deal with cases like ours in which the child is thriving. Foster care is going well? Check. Child is attached to foster family? That will be difficult.

The Reviewer did ask if there was a concurrent plan for adoption for DD, and the GAL said, "No, not officially, although we know that is always an option." I felt as if I had been handed a lottery ticket and told, "This could be a winning ticket, so hold on to it." The Reviewer told me he would like to see a concurrent plan for adoption and that I could talk more with the CW "or through this process" about that. I will call The Original Reviewer when I have my wits about me, as she was out that day.


If there is one thing that is certain in foster care, it is uncertainty. You learn to live with it. I don't know for sure that I am cut out for this type of work --and my hat is off to those of you who do it and have done it for years-- but I think there is also something to be gained in families exploring in advance whether or not they are cut out for this type of work. I feel that licensing agencies could do more to help people decide if they will be able to handle the stressfulness of bonding with a baby/child only to have them returned to their family of origin whether it is the best situation for them or not. I know the agencies are desperate for foster families, but if they invest time in a family that will only end up fostering once, it may not have been the best use of their time and training.

That said, you may not know if you can do this job until you try it. At least as a foster parent, you can give your thirty days notice and have a child placed in another home if you are overwhelmed or your situation changes. You can't do that with bio children, and I am sure that all of us who have bios have wished we could if only for one very frustrating moment!

The ray of hope for adoption could become obscured by clouds but I did enjoy letting it shine on us for a week (until the next professional came along with her opinion). Our case manager told me yesterday that they usually don't do concurrent plans because it can cause animosity between the biological and foster parents (?!) I could have sworn it was a law, but I must not be fluent in legalese. I honestly think for the most part that "They" prefer to keep foster parents in the dark and feed them BS, and I get tired of being treated like a mushroom, but again, I am getting used to it.

It's really hard to keep from getting your hopes up when that is how you usually roll. I also really, really wish I could get my hopes up and keep them up for baby Grrl's mom and that whole family, but from where I sit the outlook is pretty bleak.

Thank you for being a witness to my struggle. That is all I can ask for now, to make sense of what feels like an injustice to us and to come out on the other side somehow enlightened and not embittered by this experience. I will keep on being the change I want to see in this world, and hope for the best.