Princess Tomorrow is TWO!

Mara summitted Pikes Peak before she was two!

At the Cliff Dwellings in Manitou Springs

Smelling a $250 flower at Seven Minute Station

The Fountain of Youth

Two days before she was two years

It's almost unbelievable to me that Tomorrow's babyhood has flown by, even though there were some very long days and nights over the past two years! It feels as though her babyhood was set to warp speed, and I think I missed out a bit. Even though I know for sure that I cherished *her*, and I learned to take each day one day at a time and said thank you for each and every one we had with her, I held back just a bit of my heart for fear that she could have been taken from us. I do feel like now I am allowing myself to live as if our future is secure, even though it isn't official, and there is a definite change in that I have noticed I've begun to feel more put-upon more often! I think this is a normal part of accepting her as ours. When I refer to her as "One more dirty laundry-producer", it means she is one of us. I swear I do an extra load of laundry a day now that I have a girl in the house! But I do remind myself to savor the milestones and the moments like her spinning around in her dress or lifting it over her head and pretending to be a ballerina, because I may not have another daughter. And in just four weeks, she will have been with us for two years (because she was placed with us at five weeks of age), so I will be sure to spend that day honoring the gift of a daughter with which we have been entrusted.

Meanwhile, Tomorrow is a typical two-year-old in many ways. My days are punctuated by her telling me "No Mommy!" or calling me "Dummy Mommy!" (as I try not to smile or laugh at her petulant independence); her loudly exclaiming "Pee! Pee!" as she whips off her g-diaper mostly so she can run around without any pants on for a half an hour (all the while not squeezing out a single droplet of urine); her screeching if anyone dares to change the channel from "Abby and Elmo" (Sesame Street)*; her yelling "Bobble!" (bottle) at me when she suddenly decides she cannot eat food fast enough to fill her little belly; her demanding that I put "paint" on her nails over and over until I stop and do so; her yelling "Cudders" when she wants the crayons, and so on...she is such a boisterous little thang, and is so much larger than life as they say, that I sometimes forget she is only two until she's asleep and only taking up one eighth of her big girl bed.

*The other day, she was laying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling and zoning out. I asked her, "What are you thinking about?" and she said, "Elmo. And Abby," in a very serious little voice. It was the cutest thing, because she was absolutely sincere. I forced myself not to laugh.

Yet in many ways she is so atypical, with her sweetness and understanding of human emotions. She can sense when one of her brothers are not feeling well and will tilt her head and say, "Okay, brubber? Owie?" She can tell when I am overwhelmed and will say, "Nuggle, Mommy?" as if to say, Let's go lay down and snuggle, 'cause this can wait. The way she wraps her baby doll in a blanket and shushes her to sleep while holding her makes my heart swell with pride that THAT is how she has learned to treat a baby, rather than the way she was mistreated before she came to be with us. It is nothing short of a miracle! Sometimes I feel as if I am trapped in a monotonous cycle of cooking, dishes and laundry. But if Tomorrow comes up to me and pulls on my hand or hugs my leg, it forces me to snap out of thinking negatively, and to focus on what an amazing family we are and what a blessing is Tomorrow. Most days I feel so challenged, grateful, humble, overwhelmed and proud all at once that I can't put my feelings into words so I don't even attempt to do so. I know now that Tomorrow was absolutely supposed to be with us.

She is unlike any child I have ever known. As much as she gets frustrated with my inability to instantaneously be and do all things for her at all times, daily she tells me, "Dank you, Mommy" and I know she means it. She thanks me for changing her g-diaper, for doing her hair, for dressing her, for starting her Barbie and the Diamond Castle DVD in her bedroom for the 50th time.

Though she apparently abhors all other movies in the Barbie genre and refuses to even watch the first minute of any of the five her father bought her, "B and the D.C.", as I call it, is currently her favorite movie She is obsessed with it, and she holds up her pink Barbie remote, pretends it is a microphone and sings, "Uh-nected, Uh-nected, uh-nected" (Connected) and she demands that I also hold a remote and sing along with her. Luckily we got her pink Disney princess TV on Craigslist, so it came with three useless pink remotes from three other pink Disney devices, and they make excellent pretend microphones.

One day she had the entire family in her room and made us all sing Connected with her. If she noticed one of us wasn't singing, she would order us to sing! ("DADDY! SING!") It was one of those Hallmark movie moments that almost made me sick with its pink sweetness. How did such a small girl trick me into accepting two things I swore would NEVER be allowed in my home? (Barney and Barbie) Apparently, she is already quite adept at getting her way.

Still, how can I begrudge all of my filthy and thankless household chores when I have a grateful and mindful *toddler* in my home? Somehow I find a way, but I do feel sufficiently guilty about it whenever she comes up to me with a book and says, "Read me, Mommy?" or when I am lying in bed at night after the three angels are fast asleep. She makes me stop and smell the roses. She reminds me of what is important, that we can choose our family and our path in life and that every single day, no matter how monotonous or uneventful, is an ordinary miracle.

No News = Good News

Princess Tomorrow in her dress from Auntie J on TPR Day

On the mini trampoline...looks like she was concentrating on being safe for her "Aunt Den"

With her Case Worker from Denver Human Services on his last visit

He's leaving the department and he said he was really glad that he got to see her case mostly resolved-- and he said it's the best "success story" he's seen!

It appears I've been on vacation from blogging. We've just been really busy, to say the least. The vegetable garden ate up our July, and we've spent our weekends staycationing and taking daytrips around Colorado as much as possible.

The nice thing is that no news really is good news. Hopefully you, my faithful readers, know that about my blogging style by now. There hasn't been any calamity, drama, gossip or problems with visits to vent about. We've finally gotten a chance to babymoon and enjoy being a family with OUR little girl without the intrusion of the weekly, court-ordered visits. I always knew they were disruptive, and now I know full well exactly how disruptive they were. Tomorrow has almost completely stopped hitting and kicking, and she doesn't cry hysterically whenever I say, "Let's do your hair, okay?"

Then there's the fact that HAVING THREE ACTIVE KIDS IS KICKING MY BUTT. When Mike talks about wanting to adopt a sister for Tomorrow someday, I remind him that the only way I will be willing to adopt another child is if she has Down Syndrome or for some other reason has a below average IQ. Please don't take offense to this if you have a child with Down's Syndrome. I worked for six years with adults with developmental disabilities and have said I think we "normal" people are the ones with the messed-up genes, because never before have I felt so appreciated and unconditionally loved for who I really am regardless of my car, clothing, et cetera than I was by my clients with Down's Syndrome. And anyway, MY POINT IS: I don't need any more "high functioning" and intelligent children to raise! I have my work cut out for me already.

There's literally not enough time in the day for all things the kids want to do plus what I feel like I need to do. The one downside to unschooling is that we are always learning! A love of learning is something that once illuminated cannot be dimmed. Our children are so very curious and they want to know EVERYTHING. TODAY. I can spend all day long helping them research things they want to know more about (currently teeth as Hammy lost his second one last night) while sneaking in the things that the state of Colorado says they need to know, and still they go to bed asking questions.

We're also recertifying as a foster family/home this month so we've been busy with CPR and First Aid refreshers, planned and surprise home inspections, paperwork (the same paperwork we filled out last year, but we have to fill it out again even if nothing has changed) including making copies of anything they have lost since last year, our annual S.A.F.E. questionnaires (in which they ask the most personal questions you can imagine of each spouse separately and then they compare our answers), and private interviews with the kids.

The answers the kids gave in their interviews were funny. First of all, when it came time for the Case Manager to interview the kids they were all sucked into Wii, because we had had to keep them occupied while we were doing our interviews. Plus it was dinnertime. Then there's the fact that Hammy and Moose are so over Tomorrow it's as if she's already ours. When the Case Manager asked them how they are doing, they both said "Great" without even looking away from the TV screen. When she asked how Tomorrow is doing, they said, "Pretty good" and "Okay, I guess." When asked what happens when they get in trouble, Hammy said, "We have to sit on the steps-- or if I'm really rude to my mom, then I can just go to my room." She asked what happens when Tomorrow gets in trouble and Hammy said, "My mom says she isn't really old enough to get in trouble yet but SHE IS TROUBLE. And if she hits us, then she has to sit on the bottom step 'cause she's one." When she asked if they had any needs, Hammy said, "Not anymore since I got one-on-one time with my parents back and I get an allowance." And Moose said, "I get one-on-one time but I need an allowance." And when she asked them if there is anything Tomorrow needs, Hammy said, "One-on-one time. She doesn't really get any." HA! We spend so much one-on-one time together sometimes I think we're one person. But I know what he meant, it's not like I take her to the park to shoot hoops and get a cherry limeade from Sonic or anything like I do with him and maybe I should. But she goes on errands all the time with her daddy (because she'll cry hysterically and shake violently if she can't go).

Considering the things our kids could have said, their interviews went really well! No one said anything about the time I locked myself in the bathroom, crying, and told Mike that I was going to go stay in a hotel until the boys stopped fighting constantly. I'm sure they know to take what the kids say in context of their age, but I bet they get some really funny answers. I'd love to hear some of the funnier ones.

And finally, because I know some of you are/were wondering, the status of the adoption process right now is kind of in a holding pattern but still headed in the right direction. We're so used to it. We have a post-termination hearing on September 3, and mom is appealing the way her case was handled by the department so we really haven't officially even started the adoption process. The new Case Worker with the county said that our adoptive homestudy that's on file with our licensing agency ought to be sufficient but that they usually ask a few more questions, do a "Presentation of the Child" to tell us what her long-term needs will be, and finalize the amount of our montly stipend. Turns out we will get a small monthly stipend even after adoption, which was news to us and is a comfort since adding a third child on one income is scary in these times.

OH! And the department is not recommending contact with the family including the birth mom, so I don't have to feel guilty if I never speak to her again or fret over the fact that we've decided not to go with an open adoption (more on that later).

Well my peeps, that's all the news I've got for now. We've really got to get crack-alackin' on planning Tomorrow's second birthday bash, because it's in eleven days, we're having it here, and our yard is an overgrowth of weeds not unlike the high plains when the pioneers first crossed them.

I hope YOUR Summer is wrapping smoothly, and flows into a lovely Autumn!

"Happy Day, My Daddy!"

Princess Tomorrow's Daddy (I need to think of a good nickname for him before I make my blog public again) said today was "the best Father's Day ever". Hard to believe since I did very little to prepare for it, and in fact didn't get him a gift until last night when I put together a Snapfish Photobook with photos of him with the kids and two family photos for the front and back covers. We didn't make cards and didn't even buy any until today, and that was after brunch, too. But we've been so busy with the garden and had lots of bad carma* (I meant to spell it that way) so I wasn't sure we would have any money to spare with our upcoming trip to Missouri for a reunion at Two County Ranch.

We started out the day just lazing around, and since DH usually makes breakfast on the weekends, it's sort of like Mother's Day probably is in most homes. It goes a little something like this: Well, Dad usually cooks us breakfast but it's Father's Day so we can't ask Dad to make us pancakes, and Mom always burns them (and/or makes healthy ones that taste horrible) so I KNOW, LET'S GO OUT FOR BREAKFAST!

So we decided very spontaneously to go to brunch at Gunther Toody's. Gunther Toody's is a fifties themed diner that's similar to Ed Debevic's in Chicago. There is no website or I would beam you up. The reviews at Yelp are awful. I registered and will write a review in the morning after I've had coffee! The food is not the greatest but where else can you go with three kids who can sit still for about five minutes? And it's perfect if all you want out of the deal is some hot pancakes with cranberry juice, and maybe a side of eggs. I had the whole wheat banana walnut pancakes and they were delish so I don't see what the fuss is about with the negative reviews on Yelp. Who would expect a gourmet meal and stellar service from a place called Gunther Toody's anyway? It totally looks exactly like a cheesy, stereotypical 50's diner from the front so maybe people ought to check their haughty Denverite attitudes at the front doors with the shiny chrome handles or go to Root Down or somewhere more snooty. Our kids ate their M&M pancakes (seriously, we let them eat stuff like that and they still live) and they ate them in almost total silence. They even asked us if they had to eat them all (of course not). Then they had a blast hula-hooping and playing video games with their Daddy-o. What is not to love? And it was fairly cheap, too.

After brunch, we went to REI in Denver for a tent. Then DH went to see Star Trek all.by.himself. at the Movie Tavern (where tickets are only $5.50 and one can order food with the movie). Then we had ribs with Baby Ray's barbeque sauce and corn on the grill with baked beans. Dessert was a cookies and cream cake (store bought) after we practiced putting up our new tent. We were going to let the boys sleep in it until we decided the cat could decide to scratch and we don't want it to get damaged before we've even used it.

Next year, I'd like to be able to spend Father's Day with my dad. I talked to him while we were at breakfast, but I felt bad that none of us girls were there with him. We were all just there for Mother's Day, because that was when a "Celebration of Life" for a new baby niece and one year-old nephew was planned, but we completely forgot about Father's Day. I think next year it would be great if we could all be in KC and the boys and dads could go to a game with Grandpa or something like that. Hammy and Moose think that sounds "really cool".

All in all, it was a fun Father's Day. I am so fortunate that our children have a loving father who puts family first and who cooks, does dishes and laundry, as well as plays with them and reads to them. He didn't have the best role model for a father-- and maybe that is why he is such a great dad, in spite of his own-- but he is definitely setting the bar high for our boys and girl. I don't know another father who is so involved with his kids and so helpful to his wife. I think we need to have more days like today, where he gets a break and gets to be a 50's TV dad, if only for a while. Who knows? I may even put an apron and bake him a casserole one day soon.



*Someone backed into our minivan in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart last Sunday. The body work would be $1500 but we are going to take the check from her insurance company (she got a ticket for "Reckless Backing") so that we can use it to fix DH's SUV that has misfiring cylinders. Meanwhile, the transmission is going out in our minivan so it seems silly to make cosmetic repairs (and be able to open the passenger side door) if we can't even drive it in the very near future.

"Goodbye Visit"

Tomorrow riding in a Care Bears doll stroller from her birth mom --

it is one of TWO doll strollers she has given her!

Today the Case Aide who supervises the weekly visits called to tell us that birth mom's "Goodbye Visit" will be Friday at 4:45. She asked that we stay close in case it gets out of control and she has to end the visit early. That doesn't help my anxiety at all!

Part of me is so sad for the birth mom, that she will not get to see three of her daughters anymore (unless we choose to make arrangements for visits within an open adoption-- which I am not too keen on right now, given her mental/psychological state).

Another part of me is relieved that we will not have to deal with the aftermath of the visits anymore. I almost feel guilty for feeling that way, but we have put up with a lot of negative behavior and I know for sure it is associated with the visits and I always have. When the visits end, if Princess Tomorrow's behavior is markedly improved I will not be willing to resume frequent visits. Perhaps quarterly or yearly? I am not sure. It depends on a lot of different factors, not the least of which is mom staying in Denver. She has talked about moving back to New York when this is all over so we'll see it if is even an issue.



I won't miss newly stained clothes every Friday, that's for sure! I pack bibs-- even the kind that are smocks for painting-- in the diaper bag, but apparently they do not get used. I like to dress her in outfits that her mom has given her-- but if they are really cute clothes, and they often are, I don't want them to get stained. So I've resorted to sending her in clothes that are already stained, although not hideously so, or probably even apparent to most people. As my DH can tell you, I have a bizarre knack for remembering not only where/who every piece of her clothing is from but if it has a spot or tear on it, and how it came to be.

I plan to make Tomorrow's birth mom another photo album, but not the scrapbook I had considered making for her. For one thing, it's not done. And for another thing, the components (all from Close To My Heart) are so pretty and were so pricey that I want to keep it for our own family heirloom.

Once again, I am going to make the birth mom a photo album filled with pictures of Tomorrow being held and loved by her family members. I would like to include as many pictures as I can of her with extended family members, if that would be okay with you all. I will email you each individually for your permission-- but I know for sure I have some good photos of Aunt Jen and Nana with her that I would like to include.

I've been nodding off while typing this so I am going to collapse now!

Here are a few more pix of our little rock star wearing Ariel (Little Mermaid ) Princess sunglasses which were a gift from her birth mom...

TPR Ruling

Yesterday the judge terminated parental rights for all three of the younger girls.

He was supposed to give his ruling on the case at 3:30 but didn't start until almost 5 p.m. We sat through the reviews of a couple of other cases before ours.

The judge began by saying that he had received quite a few letters pertaining to the case, mostly in support of the foster parents of Tomorrow (that's us). He said that while he could not read them because it would not be fair and could bias him, his clerk did read them. He provided copies for the attorneys and the D.A. and they all read them. I hope that he will eventually be able to read them. I did not get around to writing a letter asking for him to TPR, but I do plan to write a thank you letter to him.

He began by telling the parents he was not going to make them sit and wait any longer for his decision. He came right out and said that his decision was to terminate their parental rights for all of the girls. Mom immediately burst into tears and was sobbing loudly, and I was bawling right along with her. The judge gave us some time to take a break and said while he would come back to explain his decision, the parents did not have to sit through his explanation. He said that no one would think any less of them if they did not want to sit through it, and that he would "not allow it". Mom left and I was right behind her. She stopped outside the courtroom and turned around, I think to see if her daughters were coming, and I was right there. She looked so sad and her face just crumpled up when she saw me. We hugged and she began sobbing harder as we were hugging. I could hardly speak I was crying so hard but squeaked out "I feel so sad for you," and "I am so sorry this is happening to you." I have never felt so much grief from one human being in one period of time. I have felt deep grief from people who have just lost someone-- including a boyfriend who lost his mother, and I was actually there when he received the phone call that she had passed-- but this was at least three times more intense, which makes sense if you think about it because she essentially lost three of her daughters yesterday. She told her daughters, "Come on," and they followed behind her slowly, not understanding what was happening. They had been standing there almost like deer in headlights, and I didn't realize at the time that they had no idea what had happened because they were not allowed in the courtroom. It didn't occur to me until later that someone should have explained to them what had just happened. I know I wouldn't have been able to because I literally couldn't speak. It was as if everything was happening so fast and yet in slow motion. Mom's attorney came out then and followed her. Hopefully she explained to the girls what happened and talked with mom. I didn't see what happened when she caught up to them. I just stood there watching mom and her three teenage daughters walk out of the building and thinking that it was the worst day of their lives. Mike came out into the hallway and I told him I wanted to go back in. I don't know why but at that point I felt like I really needed to hear what the judge had to say, that I myself needed to be reminded of why a mother had to lose her daughters and why it wasn't safe for them to be returned to their family of origin.

We didn't have to be there at all, and we didn't necessarily need to hear why he made his decision (especially because we sadly agreed with it). Nonetheless, I am so glad now that we stayed and listened as it was a very unifying experience. The way that he put the pieces of the case together in his own words and with his wisdom was amazing. He connected all of the dots, made connections between behaviors and outcomes, and shared his own insights that had not even been brought to light in the testimony. (E.g. Because mom herself had been abused and not believed, it made sense to him that when she was told her children had been abused she did not believe it at first and continued to question if they really had been and if the extent was so severe).

He was careful with his words but used an active voice in his writing. For example, when he reviewed the extent of Mara's injuries, he specifically stated how each fracture most likely occurred. While that was very difficult to listen to all over again, I am very satisfied that it is part of his ruling because he read it into the court record and it will be available to anyone who requests information about the outcome of the case. Like he said, "With regard to the skull fracture, she would have experienced blunt force trauma to her head," and, "With regard to her broken ribs, she would have been squeezed," and "With regard to her femur fractures, her legs would have been severely bent and twisted." So it was awful to hear again, and it made me need to hold Mara the second I got home, but it was very powerful. Even if someone had not heard any of the testimony except his judgement and summary, it would have been clear that in the end termination was truly the only available option. He did an excellent job of explaining and justifying his ruling in a way that was caring, clearly very well thought-out, humane, intelligent and necessary. I don't know how it would feel to be in the mother's shoes and if I would feel the same way, but having heard from the birth mom already through text messages today, she actually understands the ruling but does not feel that she was treated fairly by the Case Worker. She also said that she is planning to appeal. I do not know that she has any grounds for an appeal but I can understand why she feels like doing that right now.

The judge did not order a "Goodbye Visit" but asked for the Department (DHS, Denver Human Services) to coordinate one. I don't know when that will be but we did not have the regularly scheduled weekly visit this evening due to a conflict for the Case Aide. I hope some time passes before the goodbye visit. I think it would be best for mom to have some time to be very sad and then very angry, and to get a lot of her own emotions out before she interacts with the three girls.

It was a very emotional ruling, and I am still experiencing mixed emotions including: sadness for the birth mom and her entire family, relief that Mara will be able to remain with our family, and anxiety that the other girls futures are uncertain.

I need for you all to understand that while this is what we wanted-- this is literally what I personally hoped would happen-- it still isn't a joyous occasion for us. It was always our intention to adopt from foster care, and we knew that meant of course a birth family would first have to lose a child, but no book or person could have prepared us for what it would be like to experience this especially not as long as this case had dragged on (approximately eight months longer than we thought it would and than it should have according to laws pertaining to permanency planning).

I know this is what we wanted, and fought for, and asked for...but going through it is not what I expected. As much as it seems like an open and shut case, it's just not as easy or simple as it sounds. It is one thing to think about what is right, but it is another thing to experience it. I still feel like justice has not been served because no one has been charged with a crime, but that is a blog post in and of itself. There's so much more I need to say and write but right now I'm just overwhelmed. I feel so sad, yet relieved, grateful, humble, hopeful, anxious, excited, and exhausted. My neck feels like it cannot hold up my head, my heart aches, and my eyes are puffy and tired from crying and not sleeping well. I must have exchanged twenty-five text messages with Tomorrow's birth mom today, which brought me to tears for hours all over again. I will save her messages as long as I have my phone. Maybe I will even type them up here so I will have them forever.

Right now, I need a nap.