One month until the next court hearing -OR- Why I don't sleep well these nights.

There's a hearing scheduled for December 12 and it's been described as "a chance for the judge to just check in and see how everyone is doing before the case goes to the TPR hearing in March". Apparently, the case comes up for review every ninety days. I don't know why I am not used to this yet. It's a short enough period of time that it feels like nothing much has changed or developed (this time), but yet it's somehow long enough that I almost forget we do not have custody of Mara every.single.time.

It's so hard to think of Mara not being part of our family, and I try to avoid it! She has really begun to express her affection for us all. When she throws her little arms around my neck and hugs me, the last thing on my mind is that she is not "mine" or "ours". Her adorable little thing lately is to tell me, "Goo gull, ma," (Good girl, mom) whenever I do something that pleases her. And she claps her hands and says, "Yay! Did it!" when I pick something up or put things away.

She also screams A LOT, about almost anything and everything when she is not getting her way, but I think we're getting used to it. Mike tells me almost every day, "It's just a phase, honey," and I usually snort and roll my eyes. Yeah, it's a phase, and it will last her entire life!

I wanted to nap with her this afternoon, but just laid there and gazed at her sweet little face with a smile on it, and cried the familiar tears of not-knowing. I just want it all to be over, I want it to be done and decided, but we have to go through this painstaking process that keeps our family in this weird sort of limbo. I know that these months will pass quickly, especially because of the holidays; but there is also the fact that the holidays will make it all that much more bittersweet.

Will this be our last Christmas with her?
Will she be with me for the next Mother's Day?
Will we get to celebrate her second birthday with her?


We are into our fourteenth month of sleep deprivation and currently taking turns sleeping in her room with her (she sleeps in her crib-- which is really more like a day bed now that the front rail has been removed-- and we sleep on the day bed). She does not sleep through the night and she is formula fed. Yes, we give her lots of stick-to-the-gut solids before bed, too. She just doesn't sleep very well or for very long, and we aren't supposed to sleep with her, which is how she sleeps best. In fact, when she's eighteen months old, we're not even supposed to sleep in her room. That ought to be fun. I can see her standing at the side of the bed now. I would picture her at Daddy's side of the bed, but he's much harder to wake up.

And I digress...from hearing to sleeping (or not sleeping)...from the mind of a mom who needs nap...but sips her second cup of artificially-sweetened coffee instead.

First day, pink gloves

MCCAIN/PALIN WINS BY A LANDSLIDE

That was the headline yesterday at Liam's school. The children voted, and it was 78 for McCain and 10 for Obama.

Liam was among the ten children who voted for Obama. He has consistently said he would vote for Obama, and his reasons given have included "because he is the tallest one" and "because his name sounds cool".

Keep in mind that this is the same child who told me the other day that Barack Obama was at the door. "And he has a lawn mower with him," he reported from the front window. I assured him that Obama was busy campaigning for President of the United States of America and therefore was not going door-to-door to mow lawns. It of course happened to be the kind older gentleman who goes around our neighborhood offering to aerate lawns. He aerated our lawn for me this Spring for only $30 (10" deep plugs!); and if he comes back again, when I am not half naked and just out of the shower with a napping baby, I will hire him again. I will also offer him a hot cocoa which he will politely decline, just as he declined my offer of lemonade last Spring. We will discuss the neighborhood, the war, and he will tell me who he voted for-- it may surprise you to know that he is a Republican. He barely makes it on his SSI so he supplements his income by doing yard work. He owns the means of production for his business, he pays taxes, and he works hard. Change we need is he and I sitting in our yard having a conversation while we watch the kids play. Change we need is also him holding Mara and telling me he will pray for her to stay with us. Change we need is me telling all my neighbors what a kind and trustworthy man he is, and to please hire him this fall if they can spare $30.

I am proud that my son has opinions that are different from mine. In my mind, it validates the hard work I do at "unschooling" him and I, by teaching him to question authority and think for himself. Obama will most likely be our President and Liam will gloat that he won. But Seamus has consistently said he will vote for McCain, because "he has a Mommy with him" and "he looks like Papa Patton". And their votes cancel each other out.

I don't hate Mondays!

It used to be that my theme song on Mondays was "I Don't Like Mondays" or "Manic Monday"...I used to dread Mondays, and I would start dreading Monday on Sunday...but not so much as of this week! This week my song is "Getting Better". Short story long:

Since Mara came to live with us over a year ago, her weekly supervised visit with her bio family has been on Monday. A few months after Mara came to live with us, Liam transferred from one Options School site to another--moving his one school day a week from Friday to Monday. Mondays for the kids used to start at 7 a.m. and end at 7 p.m. Of course for us parents, the day started much, much earlier and went much, much later (especially when Heroes is on). I had communicated to the County Case Worker and to the Case Aide that Mondays were very stressful for our family, and were possibly the cause of weekly night terrors for Mara, which she would have every Monday at 10:30 p.m., as her brain was trying to fall into a deep sleep state after having her naps interrupted all day or napping in the car; but every time, I was told that there was no other day that we could have her visit, even though I was available every.other.day.of.the.week.at.any.time.of.the.day. I explained our situation to her Case Worker and to the Case Aide several times, but they both seemed to think it was manageable and did nothing to have it moved to a different day. It amazes me how the County bends over backwards to make the visit convenient for Linda-- it is literally across the street from her apartment so she can walk, and it is on a day and at a time that is best for her. I had spoken with a friend who is a foster parent, and she suggested that I put in writing a thirty day notice that Mondays would not work for us any longer. the very day I was prepared to do that, I received a call from the Case Aide saying that the visits were being moved to Friday evenings for now. She apologized for the fact that the visits would have to be on Fridays, forgetting that I had said Fridays would be great! You see, when you are a homeschooling family, as my friend Heather says: "Every day is Friday"! (Except the night before the one day of school per week at the Options School).

Fridays would be better for many reasons, only one of which is that our "kidsitter" is more available then for watching the boys at our home, so that Mike and I can get a much-needed break from all three kids and a decent meal on Fridays. Finally, this may actually occur-- unless the visits turn out to be on Thursdays, of course.

Anyway, Mondays will no more be spent in the van from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. or later. It is still the day that Liam goes to Options School but at least now we don't have to pick Liam up 2:45, then Mike at 4:30 and get Mara to her visit in Montbello by 5 (with 225 Northbound rush hours traffic) and dine at the BK Lounge or McD's when we all really want to be at home after getting up at 6:30 a.m. Life can be challenging with one vehicle and a growing family, but it's worth the effort to make less of an impact on the planet while experiencing the blessings and joys of life with more than one child. Because more kids = more laughter; just ask any parent with kids!

So instead of frantically rushing to get Mara changed and fed so I can go get Mike from work in after school and rush hour traffic, while praying that Mara falls asleep on the way and sleeps until her visit, if the boys would only stop bickering in the back seat; I am sitting in the back yard listening to the happy sound of kids playing and leaves falling. Because I begged him to let me "sleep in" this morning with Mara/take Liam to school at 8:45/then come back for Mara, Seamus and I so we could take him to work and have the van to get Liam at 2:45, I don't have to pick him up until 5:30 (if you followed that, you're probably the mom of more than one child and/or less than two vehicles!) I think I'll suggest dinner at Chick-Fil-A since we still have a free birthday meal coupon for Liam and there's a new CFA on Smoky Hill Road (just past Southlands by the new Walgreen's). I had a repeatedly interrupted and mostly sleepless night with Mara waking to play at midnight and Seamus sleepwalking again, so I need to take it easy tonight.

Nonetheless, I am grateful today. I'm grateful for Mara's two-hour nap this afternoon. I'm grateful that I had enough time to talk with Liam's school director...about him being sent to talk with her...for talking too much...in Language Arts. I'm grateful for less rushing around today-- not because I can't do it, but because it means less stress on the kids who do not deserve to be shuttled from one point to another like baggage when they need time to wake up slowly, to eat a peaceful breakfast, to play outside, and to sleep whenever they're tired.

"It's getting better all the time..."

Day of the Dead

It's literally the Day of the Dead here at Casa de Fee as we partied too hearty this week! Halloween is like a high holy day in our family and we really celebrated this year!















It all started a week ago today, when I took the kids to trick-or-treating at the Centennial Medical Center. I had imagined this would involved visiting a dozen or so doctor's office, under an hour. I was so wrong it wasn't even funny. It was a biggish indoor/outdoor event with lots of offices totally decorated like haunted houses that were too scary for the boys, outdoor booths, a barrel train for the kids to ride, a mobile deejay, furry sports team mascots walking around, and an ambulance, a fire truck and a life flight helicopter which landed while we were there and was way cool. The kids got to climb inside all three of the aforementioned lifesaving vehicles and even ride the barrel train for $1 thanks to my friend Heather who brought cash (I ass-u-me'd everything would be free). I scored treats like sunscreen and wipes. And we got the last three of 1700 Krispy Kreme doughnuts they had handed out that day (at a medical center...whuh? Perhaps because obesity makes more money for hospitals?!)

Then on Sunday we went to the Boo at the Zoo at Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, which was
1. too expensive ($9 each even though we are members! plus gas!)
2. too far (why drive to CO Springs when Denver Zoo has a Boo at the Zoo?!), and
3. too late (it started at 5:30, went to 8, and then we had a long 1.5 hour drive).
































The worst part is that I had neglected to call Jen all week and see if they wanted to meet up with us there, so I felt guilty *and* we went all that way without seeing them (which we never do). We probably won't go to that event again until the kids are much older. Turns out the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in October is cold at night!
I do not recall seeing a single animal as they were all hiding/indoors/sleeping.
Nonetheless, the boys got their picture taken with a Storm Trooper *and* Darth Vader, rode the kiddie train and the carousel, went to a magic show and played carnival games indoor at the Lodge at Moose Lake. Highlights for me included the outdoor holiday lighting in the trees and et cetera which was very well done, and the amazing view of CO Springs at night! I will send more pix through Snapfish)






Thursday, we took the kids to the Trick or Treat Street at Denver Children's Museum (and renewed our membership while we were there, after paying $4 for parking because we were not members). That was more like it, and the kids had a blast when we FINALLY rode the trolley. They had wanted to ride it for two years-- we used to go to the museum every Monday-- but they wouldn't ride it for the first time without their Dad! So the stars were at last aligned and we all rode the trolley, for only $2 for each adult and kids free, with Mara, and at night, which was really neat.






So by the time Halloween rolled around on Friday, I was sick and tired of halloween! But I put on a happy "jackitty lantern" (Tigger) face and we carved our pumpkin, and toasted pumpkin seeds while watching Pooh's Heffalump Halloween.






Our friends Star, Pheonix and Genesis came over for worms and blood (spaghetti), and I trick-or-treated the 'hood with the big kids while Mike and Star stayed at home with the wee grrls and handed out candy.






The kids were complaining by the eighth house, so we only went to the homes of people we know in our neighborhood. Everyone wanted to know where the little one was, asking, "Where is your baby?" and "Where is your little sister?" So next year we will have to take Mara along even if we have to pull her in a wagon! The problem is that one of us has to stay home for the trick-or-treaters because we have so few of them, lest we get stuck with too much candy like the first year we lived here! I think we only had about twenty people visit our house last night. It was the warmest Halloween I can remember, and on a Friday-- so I don't know where everyone was.

I hope you also had a happy Halloween and would love to see your pix, too!