The night before last I was the victim of yet another emotional trainwreck. After putting Mara to sleep for the third time, I was struck with uncontrollable crying. This time, I even went so far as to wake Mike up at 2 a.m. to tell him that I do not want to adopt Mara and that I want to give Ariel Clinical Services my thirty days notice (to move Mara to another home) by September. I had a good list of reasons, too (altho' I cannot remember more than one of them now, as I've slept since then).
It's just so hard being Mara's buh mah muh, that's all. She's a classic 'high need', persistent baby (I seem to collect them), she's at a reeeally challenging age, we aren't sleeping much between her teething and walking, and we don't know what's going on with her custody. But it's the same old story, so why do I keep having these nervous breakdowns? They are not related to my monthly cycle (thanks for asking), but do seem to coincide with periods of severe sleep deprivation. All I know is, they didn't cover this in our "CORE" training classes!
2 comments:
I can't imagine how hard this is for you! Hang in there...Mara is SO worth it!! With or without adoption, Mara deserves someone like you...someone who's willing to cry over her!
Thank you, Lyn. Even if I feel silly after posting about episodes like my latest one, I am striving to be really honest about the process through this blog. I sometimes wonder if *I* have the Reactive Attachment Disorder we learned about in our training. Nonetheless, I'm grateful that it's only me who is struggling and not Mara, my husband or our sons. I can take it. I can do this. One visit at a time...one nervous breakdown at a time...one day at a time...
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