Yes, and...

First of all, we got a call from Mara's Guardian Ad Litem yesterday evening and her perspective is that this case is definitely moving towards termination and adoption! The concurrent plans for adoption were not put into place yesterday but will be at the next permanency planning hearing in 90 days. Yes, again we wait. But, we are getting used to it. I heard Mike Myers say, on The View today, Hell is 'No, but' and Heaven is 'Yes, and'. The answers to our biggest questions right now are Yes, and... Yes, Mara is safe and there is a good chance we will have the honor of keeping her safe for the rest of her life (or at least ours).

I apologize if I got some of you excited, but it turns out yesterday was not a permanency planning hearing but rather a hearing for the parents mostly regarding visitation. Apparently they will be resuming visits between the dad and the girls who are his-- Mara still does not have to meet with him as the county/court does not view him as a psychological father to her-- and Mara will no longer have visits with her older sisters. For the time being, she will only have visits with her birth mom.

So they now think Mara may have been left her in the care of the three teenage girls and that dad may have been demonstrating/encouraging/teaching his bio kids how to abuse the ones who weren't his bios. That would be Mara, Monet (4) and Tiffany (16) although she has not said she was being abused. She is clearly very delayed and has always seemed depressed to me. Because the younger girls (Monet and Iyana) have made allegations that the older girls were participating in the abuse and may have been responsible for Mara's injuries, Mara will no longer have visits with them.

Did I mention that Mara will not be visiting with her teenage sisters?!?!?!

The team approach process to staffing through meetings with the CM, CW, and GAL has thus far been very empowering. When I brought up at the staffing meeting on Tuesday, that I was concerned about the new allegations and wanted to know why Mara had to meanwhile have visits with all of the teenagers, I could have sworn that the case worker said that she would have to continue visits with her sisters because the county needs to be able to show that it has done everything it could to support the family. I brought it up because I knew there were allegations that the teenage sisters had participated in her abuse, and I could not fathom how the county could allow her to continue to visit with them if they may have been responsible for her 24 broken bones (and who knows what other horrible acts that did not leave marks).

I am supposed to be able to reassure Mara that she will be safe in the weekly visits. It may not seem to be an issue yet since some may not think she understands what is going on or what we say, but anyone who thinks that just hasn't met Mara! She is an amazingly perceptive little girl-- perhaps especially so because of what she has endured-- and she seems to be as sensitive to the happenings around her as my attached/breastfed/co-slept babies were.

Anyway, this is the third time that something I have brought up or straight up proposed has been put into place, and I am beginning to feel that my input is more valuable than most foster parents may realize. When I mentioned that the 4 and 7 year old girls might need to be split up for therapeutic purposes, they explored that option and even went so far as to ask me which girl I would take and to ask the other foster mother if she preferred one of the sisters (she goes back and forth on that-- something I can relate to as a mother!). When I asked the GAL if it would be possible for mom to get custody of the 3 older girls but not the 3 younger ones, the case went that direction like the.very.next.day at court and that was when they begin transitioning the older girls back home and discussing why mom may not get the younger girls back, or at least not for a very long time. I think that our input as foster parents can be invaluable to the CPA/DHS and I encourage other foster parents to keep notes and to stay tuned into their feelings and pay attention to the little thigns that can say a lot (E.g. Mom said Mara was "nosy and greedy" at a visit when she was wanting to look in boxes of candy the girls got and wanted drinks they had).

I am also beginning to realize that I almost have a spidey sense about all of this human services stuff. I can pretty much predict how Linda is going to react and could almost write out exactly what will be said at the next visit word for word.

Speaking of which...Linda's behavior before and after the visits has become very unpleasant and I have asked Ken to speak with Linda about her negative attitude at the visits as I feel like it sets the tone for the visit and gets the girls all riled up, and that Mara can sense when she is tense (and especially when I am).

On our end, we have decided among other things to park just past and further away from the front doors of the building where the visits take place (such a simple solution to what was becoming a complicated problem!) so that Linda will not be walking right by our van on her way up to the building. What has been happening is that she would walk by and naturally she would see us and stop and say hi and start talking; and then it was only a matter of minutes until she was saying very negative things usually involving curse words about DHS or the case worker or the stupid classes she has take about domestic violence (even though she insists she wasn't a victim of domestic violence because she hits her men back)-- and of course the boys are in the back of the van with their ears opened just as wide as they will go.

It's almost a dilemma that Linda sees me as a friend. While the humanistic me does feel compassion and empathy for her as a human being and a sister/mother, I am not her friend and I will simply stop going to the visits completely if need be. As it is, Mike has to do the drop offs because I cannot take it. It is not that I want him to be the bad guy, and for Mara to trust him less (if anything she probably feels better at the transfer with him because he is less upset than I am) -- and you can think I am being selfish or a wimp, I don't care. I need to be the one who picks her up at the end of the visit and tells her "See? You were safe! Mike said you'd be safe and you were!" (Thank you, LynnJoy!) Also, that is often when the Case Aide will mention that we do not have a visit next week, or Linda will say she's bringing ____ et cetera, and I tend to be the one who manages all of the scheduling/shoes.

I am The Keeper of the Sandals, The Matcher of the Outfits, and The Doer of the Hair.

Mike is The Baby Thrower and Catcher, The Moby Wrap-Wearing Mobile Nap Unit, and The One Who Gets up With Baby at 4 a.m. While She Walks Around Babbling a New Word and Playing With Toys.

We both change diapers and wash bottles. We can both put her to sleep equally as easily. We take turns taking her at night. But I am abso fably The Mommy and he is def The Daddy!