Wednesday's Child Today

I just received a frantic text from Tomorrow's birth mother, L----. Her two daughters, A----- and M---- (for whom she lost custody along with Tomorrow) are now available for adoption and were highlighted today on the Wednesday's Child segment of a local news station.

L---- texted me that her teenage daughter T------, who has developmental disabilities and mental illness, had "called to try and get them" but was awaiting a return call. I didn't hesitate to strongly suggest to her that there is NO WAY ON EARTH that they will let T------ adopt them. THEY ARE NOT UNWANTED ANIMALS AWAITING ADOPTION IN A SHELTER.

The birth mother does not understand the rigorous procedure that we adoptive parents go through to adopt children. We have to apply, which is a folder of paperwork in and of itself, get fingerprinted, have state and federal background checks return without a blemish, and THEN and only then, does the adoptive homestudy process begin. This involves several visits to the home, inspection of every inch of the home, and more probing into family members, co-workers and friends. EVERY reference is checked. More paperwork, including copies of homeowner's insurance and pet veterinary records, must by completed. There are quizzes to assess the applicant's mental health and the stability of their long-term relationship or marriage. The couples are interviewed separately about their childhoods, family background, legal history, work history, any drug use, and possible sexual abuse or deviations from the sexual norm.

This isn't an easy process, and it took us a year the first time because we already had two children and we had just relocated to the Southeast Aurora Denver Metro Area (SADMA). We aren't currently homestudied nor are we interested or ready to adopt, and especially not children who have been so severely physically and sexually abused and neglected, as well as being moved from one foster home to another over the past few years. Tomorrow's Guardian Ad Litem implored me not to even have M---- come over for an overnight visit/respite care. SHE WAS IN TEARS. She worried that the girl could undo some of the progress we'd made with Tomorrow in one day. So I promised her that while my instinct was to try and adopt M----, because she is the only girl out of the other five who are a full sister to Tomorrow, we would keep our promise to keep Tomorrow safe, even if that included keeping her away from her sisters.

At the termination hearing, the judge did not order that Tomorrow have ANY visits with her sisters, and that is extremely rare since the court does everything they can to protect and support sibling relationships. He did not feel it was necessary to protect those tenuous ties since she was removed from the home at only five weeks and the other sisters had been so abused. The concern was that they would abuse her physically or sexually.

Even if I wanted to adopt M---- or A-----, there is a very good chance that the adoption would not be approved for various reasons. One very important reason, that is tantamount in my mind, is that the girls need to be adopted separately and possibly be only children. I have yet to look into the broadcast or their adoption information, but I hope that the county is not willing to let someone adopt both them. They have sexually abused each other and need to be separated. They are a danger to each other and other siblings, and will not be able to live up to their full potential until they are free from acting out their traumatic past with each other every day.

It's days like today when I regret staying in touch with Tomorrow's birth mother. My thinking was that it is best to keep one's friends close, and one's enemies closer. By staying in touch with her, I know where she is (Brooklyn, New York) and what she is up to (gang banging and getting pregnant again), et cetera.

I'm sad but also happy for A----- and M---- and hope they are both adopted by wonderful families who want a daughter to pamper and protect as much as we did. In a perfect world, we would adopt M----, the girl I met when she was three, who looked up at me with big brown eyes and said, "Can I go home with you, too?" Alas, it will not be. And this is where my tears fall.

This continues to be such a bittersweet journey. Just when I had shared a link to this blog on Google Plus and remarked that I hadn't written anything here for a while, I feel like I'm throwing up all over the screen once again. At first I was embarrassed by how much I lamented the journey when I looked back at my very emo posts. But I think it's so important for people considering foster adoption, especially interracial adoption. The fact that someone like me, who is educated, informed and skilled at communicating with other professionals, experienced as much angst and frustration throughout the process as I did, is cautionary advice for others who may not have as many resources and might get overwhelmed on the sometimes harrowing journey.

Onward and upward.

SIX months, really?

Wow, I never thought I would go this long without blogging here, but so much has happened and my heart and mind have been busy elsewhere.

First and foremost, we've been enjoying just being a family and not fostering MJ anymore. It's indescribable the relief I feel at knowing that she will always be a part of our family, and that we will get to guide and protect her as she grows into the amazing person she is going to be.

Secondly, we took in another baby, Sasha, on October 24, 2010, when she was only two days old. She was born to Shantell C. Alire on October 22, weighing 5 pounds. Because we are no longer licensed as a foster family, I am posting the information I have about her birth mother (from her tiny hospital bracelet which is still in the top drawer of my bedside table) in hopes of someday being able to know how she is doing and see how much she has grown and hopefully thrived. I could write an entire book about how much I bonded with that baby girl in the six weeks she was with us, but for now, suffice to say that my heart was utterly broken by that experience and I decided I could never put my family or my self through the loss of a baby again. It drove such a wedge between my husband and I that we separated and are still working on repairing our marriage. We're still not truly together as husband and wife but we're both going to 12-step support groups and are trying to figure out how exactly we've gotten to the point that we're at in our marriage.

Finally, as most of you who read this blog know, my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last Fall and gave up his fight on January 9. I think we are all still coming to terms with the enormous loss of the patriarch of the family, and I know it's going to take some time to adjust to not having him here with us in body. He will all-ways be with us in our hearts and we have so many wonderful memories with him and photographs by him for which we are so very grateful.

So that's why I haven't written for six months.

How are you?

And Foster Baby Makes Six?

It sounds like crazy making, and it is!

Today we did our annual update to renew our therapeutic foster family license so we are still an open home for a baby or child in foster care. And all I would have to do is call the Placement Coordinator at Ariel and tell her we want to go on the openings list if we decided we want to open our home to another baby or child in foster care. (Like say, for instance, a sister for Tomorrow.)

I had texted the Placement Coordinator, "Rochelle", that I didn't want to renew our license -- I have my hands full with raising up the three kids we have, especially with Tomorrow starting homepreschool this year --but of course she called me and in her sweet little voice somehow talked me into staying licensed. She told me about another family we know that thought they were done (they've adopted three or four kids from foster care) and then had a change of heart and decided a few months later that they wanted to adopt another child from foster care. They're in the process of re-applying and they have to do EVERYTHING over again. Like I said, we know the family -- they also homeschool, and we cared for a three-month-old baby boy one weekend that they ended up adopting -- and if they could change their mind I know we could, too.

In my heart of hearts, I don't feel that our family is complete. Mike and I have talked a lot about having two boys and two girls, with the utopian vision that it would bring more balance or symmetry to the siblings. Our thinking is that each child would have a sister (or two) and a brother (or two); and, theoretically, there would be no middle child (or two of them?!) and every one would always have a buddy. You know, for amusement park rides and boarding Noah's Ark and other such important life events.

No but seriously, while she tries her darnedest to keep up with her big brothers, Tomorrow is often left out of activities that the boys engage in for which she's deemed too young to do. Or, more often than not, she simply wants to do things that they don't enjoy, such as dancing ballet and playing with dolls. She has told us herself that she wants a sister who will play in her room with her. When she recently saw her baby cousin from Missouri who is a girl, she told me "I wan one uh doze bay-bee gulls, Momma." Even the boys have said they wish we could have another baby *if* it is a girl. Mike can hardly stand to hold babies he wants another one so badly. And I won't lie, I've got baby fever something awful with a ticking biological time bomb about to go off.

Someday, when I'm ready, I may make that call to Rochelle. I've given away all the baby clothes and cloth diapers, so I'd have to start all over again, but I have the basics that every baby needs: tireless arms for holding, a mei tai for babywearing, and a penchant for singing lullabies.

You may think I'm crazy for even thinking about having another child, and you're right.

I'm crazy about babies and children.

Tomorrow is ours forever.

Of course I meant to blog on the day we adopted our daughter. Yet somehow, after two years, eight months and five days of fighting, hoping, and praying that she would be able to officially become a part of our family, once she did it just felt like the most natural thing in the world.

It was as if the last piece of a very difficult and frustrating puzzle was placed. It's always easy, effortless really, to stick in the last piece of a puzzle. It's those very first pieces that are challenging, when all you have is a picture of how the finished puzzle will look. Individual pieces can look so strange by themselves. Sometimes it can seem as if they don't even belong. But once you get going -- perhaps by first finding the four corners and then doing all of the edge pieces -- you can watch as the picture begins to fill in.

June 16, 2010 was a great day. I woke up to my daughter giving me hugs and kisses and talking about our wedding. When we first told her about adopting her, she asked me if she was getting married to Daddy. I started to correct her, but decided it was cute that she thought she was getting married. We told her she was getting married to Daddy and Mommy, and her brothers, whom she refers to as her "guys".

Tomorrow knew that Wednesday was going to be a very special day as we had been talking about it the week leading up to it. The day before, she became very excited with all of the talk of "tomorrow". We would say, "WOW! We are getting married TOMORROW!" Or "I can't believe we are FINALLY going to be adopting you tomorrow!" and she would smile this incredibly sweet smile and bat her eyelashes and say something like "I know" or "I marry Nick? I marry Maggie, too?" (She persistently asked to marry my friend Nick and the cat, and to bring the cat to the wedding.)

Since the hearing wasn't until three, my sister and her husband and my nephew came to our house for lunch first. My sweet sister brought a plant for me, a gift for Tomorrow, a card, a CD she had made, toe "wedding" rings for all of us and bubbles to blow after the hearing. She is so very thoughtful and I was very grateful that she and her family was able to be present with us that day. They have been closer to Tomorrow than any other family members, and it meant a lot to all of us to have them there. Also, my sister read a poem which I will paste below later.

So after the busy-ness of getting three kids and two adults ready, plus lunch and a skipped nap for Tomorrow, we headed to the city. It was really warm in Denver. We arrived early at the courthouse in the City and County Building. It was nerve-wracking waiting for it to be our turn. I was glad that we were able to have the hearing in the same courtroom with the same judge who ordered the termination of her parental rights, making it possible for us to adopt her. I told the judge afterward that I really felt like it brought a complete closure for us to adopt her in the same physical space where I had shed so many tears (upon hearing so many sad stories of Tomorrow and her sister's and biological parent's lives). In the courtroom where one family was sadly dissolved, another family was joyfully created. That was more than just a formality.

I believe we can request a formal record of Tomorrow's adoption, including the full court transcript, but for now I have photos and videos taken by my friend Nick. It was a short and light-hearted hearing. The judge asked everyone present to introduce ourselves. Then he had all of us stand and take an oath to tell the whole truth. After that the professionals spoke on the record, saying that they thought it was a good placement and that Tomorrow should be adopted by us. The judge asked Mike and I if we were prepared to take on the full responsibility of raising Tomorrow, including teaching her to drive, helping her find a church, and paying for her college. We both agreed to accept that responsibility.

At this point the judge included Tomorrow's brothers in the hearing by asking them if they wanted to adopt her. Thankfully, they both said they did. He said becoming a brother was a big responsibility and that their responsibility was to drive their sister crazy. Then he said that it was her responsibility to drive them crazy. (I could've done without this portion of the hearing!)

Next, the judge asked the boys if there was anything they didn't like to eat. Moose immediately answered "pickles". The judge clarified that he had said pickles, and Moose nodded and added "And mustard." The judge asked Hammy what he didn't like to eat, and he also said pickles. So the judge ordered that for one week the boys did not have to eat pickles or mustard. They got a kick out of that, and they have both made sure that we kept to it.

Finally, the judge asked if there was anything else we wanted to say, and my sister read a poem to our family. I've shared part of it here before, but here it is in its entirety:

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

But seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

As living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

And He bends you with His might

That His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

So He loves also the bow that is stable.

That was a really appropriate poem for that day, and I am so happy that it's part of the court record of Tomorrow's adoption! I cannot express how much it meant to me that my sister was not only there, but willing to stand up and read a poem to our family on our "wedding day".

That was pretty much the whole of the ceremony. We had said we were going to write vows to exchange with Tomorrow, but we didn't. We had hoped that many more family members and friends would have been able to attend, but they weren't. Present that day were: Mike and I, Hammy, Moose, Tomorrow, Uncle B, Aunt J, Cousin W, Pediatrician Dr. Kiki, Clinical Case Manager Michelle, Adoption Worker Donna, and Nick. It was short and sweet, and when it was over we went outside and had hugs and took photos and blew bubbles in the parking lot.

In short, the day was nothing like I had thought it would be, and so much better.

It ended with me singing Little Star by Madonna:

Never forget who you are

Little star

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

God gave a present to me

Made of flesh and bones

My life, My soul

You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are

Little star

Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

Never forget where you came from

From love

You are a treasure to me

You are my star

You breathe

New life

Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are

Little star

Never forget how to dream

Butterfly

May the angels protect you

And sadness forget you

Little star

There's no reason to weep

Lay your head down to sleep

Little star

May goodness surround you

My love

I have found you

Little star

Shining bright

And also My Darling Child by Sinead O' Connor:

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
You came and saved me

My darling child
My darling baby
My darling child
God gave you to me

Me little ninja
Me little dancer
Me little streetfighter
Me little chancer
Me lovely grrl
Me lovely babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy
Me little wolf
Me little lamby
My favourite girl
My angel babby
Me love me grrl
Me love me babby
My pride and joy
Me little puppy

My darling child

My darling baby

My darling child

You gave life to me

And then I tucked in our precious little girl, in her beautiful princess bed, for the first night of the rest of our lives together. It was just like any other night really, which is why it was perfect.

Ten Days Til Forever!

Only ten days and a wake-up until Princess Tomorrow is officially our daughter! After all this time (over two and a half years), it seems so surreal but not at all anti-climactic.

I feel lighter every time I don't have to reschedule a home visit with an adoption worker or case manager, and realize that after June 16 we can travel out of state without permission. I know these are little details, but when they are all piled up being a foster parent can feel more like being an arm of the state than a parent.

I know many other little things will change for the better, but the biggest thing that will change is that Tomorrow will be OURS. She will belong to US! I don't care anymore if that sounds like we think we own her. SHE WILL FINALLY BE A MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY. She will have our last name. She will be Hammy and Moose's little sister, and the grand-daughter of six loving grandparents. Most children are born into these relationships, hers have been hard-won.

And in the end, it will have been worth every single hassle and all the days we learned to take as they came. Thank you for holding space for me on those days when I angrily fought the process. Thank you for encouraging and supporting me, reminding me that it would be worth it and that one day she would be safe with us forever. You were right, and I learned to let go A LOT and trust a little more.

Now, back to searching online for a dress I can wear to the ceremony. I've already found the perfect pink taffeta dress for Tomorrow!