I can see clearly now, the rain has gone...

You may have received an email from my mom telling you that the TPR hearing that was supposed to be this month was moved AGAIN. Or you might have called to find out how the hearing went only to find out that it didn't happen at all. I apologize for not blogging/emailing about it but I literally didn't even process it for almost a week. Seriously, it didn't really hit me until the following Thursday night. We got a call from the county case worker on the Friday before (when the hearing was supposed to on a Tuesday) telling us that the hearing was moved up again to April 8 and 10 because "the docket got too full". We were heading out the door to get Mara to her visit, but I called my mom and sisters on the way. I pretty much left it up to Mom and Sarah if they still wanted to come, but I was concerned about them not being here when I really needed them in April. They decided to come anyway, and we made the most of their visit (except for the letdown, a root canal and a virus that caused Liam to have a febrile seizure-- look for a post titled Mommy Guilt!).

So this is what happens when you do foster care. We didn't know about the agony of the unknowns and waiting when we applied for the job, but we do now. It is what it is, and as usual it was my high and perhaps even unrealistic expectations that got the best of me. My visualizations had been that the hearing was going to be uncomfortable to sit through, but that it would finally bring about the end of weekly visits that cause Mara to hit herself and act out and the beginning of the journey toward adoption. Her case is supposedly an EPP (Expedited Placement Plan)-- and they had told me they like to see EPPs in their permanent home within a year!

So I no longer have my hopes up for the hearings on April 8 and 10. I don't honestly know why-- a gut feeling that something is shifting or merely self-protection? We still plan to be there, so we'll see. I've been scrambling since my mom left, trying to arrange child care for the new hearing dates so she wouldn't have to come again in April. I finally told her yesterday not to cancel her trail ride because she sounded really bummed about it-- they can't just go for a weekend, they have to go for the whole week or not at all. I think we have a friend who may be able to watch the boys at her house and another foster mom who will watch Mara at hers. Aunt Jen has offered to be Plan B, or even Plan A for the boys--and she will come here, so my vote is for Plan A for Auntie Jen and Wil! I still need to check with my friend who I haven't actually spoken with in months. Mike talked with her when he went to get our Girl Scout cookies. I had had a root canal that day and wasn't feeling real good. I'm hoping she can be a Plan B for the boys. Plan B for Boys, since she would have four of them at her house!

But back to the meltdown that led to me being so calm and accepting powerlessness: I was being really bitchy to Mike, and short with the kids, and just generally annoyed by everyone for about six days. What a fun time for Nana to visit! We had a good time actually, even going out for a mother-daughter date one evening to Starbucks, Panera Bread and to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (a very good film). It was a Thursday evening, I was bone-tired, and Mike suddenly realized that Mara was eighteen months old. EIGHTEEN MONTHS OLD!!! In only a month, she will have been with us for a year and a half. And it wasn't until later on when she fell asleep in my arms and I kissed her sweet face, that the floodgates opened and saw how I had been behaving as if I was watching myself on a big screen TV, and I didn't like what I saw. I bawled my eyes out, and it was then and there that I decided:

I am not going to waste another day wondering and worrying about the future of our attached family. I'm not sure I can "trust an unknown future to a known God", but I'm trying. Meanwhile, I want to enjoy every day I have with my daughter. The future will happen either way.

That's it. Pretty simple. Nothing earth-shattering. It's the same lesson, over and over again, 'til we get it.

One day at a time.

One more month...

The TPR hearing is set for March 3, 4 and 6. I am beside myself to say the least. Nonetheless, I am trying very sincerely to stay positive, reading from the Bible and some of my favorite Hazelden daily meditation books each morning, and learning "to trust an unknown future to a known God". (Corrie Ten Boom)

The latest buzz is that the County Case Worker told the other foster mom to start preparing Mara's sisters that they will not be returning home with their mom. I am guessing he did not instruct me to do the same as there is nothing to explain to Mara-- we are the only family she has really known. What would be challenging would be preparing her to return to her mom. I can't even imagine how I would go about doing that. Thank God we have not been asked to help transition her back to Linda.

I haven't been blogging much this month because I have been keeping myself busy, perhaps a bit too busy, doing a lot of home improvement projects that we saved for the Wintertime. But at least I am not overeating or smoking! For now, I am taking some medication (just 10 mg of citalopram) for my anxiety, and it is mostly helping me to sleep all night. That is another reason I am not online much: about the only time I can get online and think straight is after all of the kids are asleep, and I am sleeping at night now! I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know I am a much better mom when I am rested; and since I am now taking Mara on the nights when Mike has to work the next day, Sunday through Thursday, I have to get my sleep.

I imagine it would also be difficult to put my feelings into words right now. It is hard to explain what it is like to wait a year and a half to find out for sure if you will be able to keep your baby to someone who hasn't been through this experience. I think some people just don't know how to act or what to say, and when they ask me if there is anyone I can talk to about my situation it is their way of saying I don't know what to say. The answer is no and yes. No, there is no one else going through what I am as I am a unique individual having a unique life experience. Yes, I can talk to my husband and God. If I bring the subject of adoption or court up or it comes up in our conversation and it makes you uncomfortable just to think about it, then imagine that feeling times a thousand and you might have a tiny inkling of what it feels like for me.

On one hand, I want to live each day with Mara as if it is our last just in case-- but on the other hand, I do not want to create a little Diva! So I strive to strike a balance between having fun all day and teaching her all I can. Her father is not as good about restraining himself from overindulging her. With every trip to the store he returns with something new for her, whether it is a Dora "Singing Sensation" DVD with a inflatable microphone or a plate, bowl and cup set. He can't seem to help himself especially when she is with him. I asked him to get her some jeans from Wal-Mart and he came home with jeans with butterflies and flowers on them that light up, Dora pajamas and a pink pair of sweatpants with flowers and hearts. He continues to buy her Baby Legs (the baby leg warmers) three pairs at a time from babysteals.com (the latest pairs are pink ribbed heather grey, pink striped with heather grey and white, and purple bandana) and he just bought her a pair of weird-looking pink and purple slipper socks (we call them her alien shoes) just because he thought they would be comfortable (sort of like the two new pairs of Bobux leather slippers she already had? LOL)

But I suppose I have been indulging her in my own way. First, I painted a dresser brown and pink for her to match her brown and pink mod circles crib set. Then I painted her toy box, her step stool, a basket for her to keep her board books in, and her wicker hamper. Now her room looks like it has been furnished with boutique furniture and could almost be in a magazine-- her half of the room anyway.

I also painted our bathroom "Tidal Wave" blue, and we painted the family room "Sky Blue" including the ceilings! Both rooms look very nice and are soothing to be in.
Next is the kitchen which I want to paint "Watermelon" (a pinkish red like the inside of a watermelon). And then it is on to the kids' bedrooms. We want to have all of the painting down before Spring when we pretty move outside for six months!

I've also been keeping busy with Wii Fit. I started doing it on January 11 and was horrified to find that my Wii Fit Age was 57. Not that there is anything wrong with being 57-- I just don't want to be 57 when I am 36! I lowered my Wii Fit Age to 37 by January 25, which is only a year more than my actual age. I strive for 20 to 30 minutes of yoga, aerobics, strength training and balance games almost every day, and sometimes do as much as 45. Eventually I want to get to where I am doing a Body Test and at least 30 minutes of training each day. I've unlocked every single yoga pose and Wii Fit Yoga been very good for my body and spirit-- but I'm also really good at the Super Hula Hoop! Mike and Liam are VERY competitive and I will admit that having competition does keep me striving to get better at different activities. So far I am the Zen Master at the Lotus Focus but I don't think I am winning at anything else!

I hope this month has found you living up to your resolutions, or at least resolving to not make ones that you cannot or will not keep next year.

I will keep you posted on any developments and post some new pix ASAP.

Seven Weeks

I haven't blogged here since December 9! Sorry about that. I was just busy with the holidays and have been playing with my new toy, a Sony Cybershot hybrid or "bridge" camera, since Christmas Day. We only took down our Christmas tree yesterday. This year, we celebrated "The Twelve Days of Christmas", and next year we're going to celebrate Advent which I understand is twenty-four days. I don't really even know what Advent is all about yet, so it ought to be fun learning about it.

Today Mike told me the TPR hearing is only seven weeks away. Almost a year and a half of waiting will finally be over, one way or the other. Hearing it's only seven weeks away really increased my anxiety. I actually felt myself tense up. I feel this weird sensation of inertia and yet like I am not fully in the present-- and I cannot decide if I want to speed time up or stop it! I want to feel at peace about the hearing, but I'm such a realist. So I started taking some medication for symptoms of anxiety and depression on December 23, and it seems to be working-- I am sleeping really well again, every night-- and hopefully it will be in full force by March. We're flying my mom here for the week of the hearing so that Mike and I can both go to court each day, and it was a huge relief to book her flights and know that she will be here either way to help out with the kids and to (hopefully) CELEBRATE.

We saw Santa at the Bass Pro Store.

Yes, I realize that sounds totally hillbilly, and I don't care, CUZ we had a great time.

If you haven't been to the Bass Pro Store in Stapleton, YOU are missing out. It pales in comparison to the one in my home state of Missouri-- Springfield's store is actually the largest in the country-- but it is nonetheless quite spectacular with the Islamorada Fish Company restaurant, Fourbucks coffee, ginormous fish tanks, plethora of stuffed animals (I mean the taxidermy kind-- is there another way to describe those?) and the shooting gallery...it is a blast!

The Santa's Wonderland at the Bass Pro Store is an idyllic scene out of A Christmas Story, complete with an electric train set, fake snow, wooden tables for coloring pages and writing letters to Santa, an area where kids can drive remote control ATV's and not just one but TWO shooting galleries-- one where they can shoot foam dart guns and one where they can play a target shooting video game with "rifles" (and where I was reminded that I am a sharp shooter). And because it is the 25th anniversary of A Christmas Story (does that make you feel old or what?!), they have Red Ryder BB guns for sale! They are also hawking pink Daisy's (I WANT ONE SANTA!) They have Frosty the Snowman and other children's classics in rotation on the DVD player in the coloring area, and a A Christmas Story in the grown up area where the BB guns are for sale. Oh! They also have roasted nuts for sale. The only thing missing is an ice skating rink! It is the perfect place to take your child(ren) to see Santa and the photo is FREE. You even get a coupon for a free kids meal for each child at the Islamorada, which is a very fun place to eat with kids.

I KNOW, I KNOW, it is all a mass marketing campaign to get you to spend lots of money on cheap plastic stuff at BPS, but if you can resist the lure of mindless consumerism (we did) and get your free coloring pages and photo, it's worth it. Our kids didn't get away so easily, they used their allowance to buy yet another wilderness play set. Liam bought a set that comes with a fishing boat, a kayak, two fishermen, two fish, and some fishing gear; Seamus bought a wooden whirly gig thingy, I think it's called an Air Top. But the BPS sets all fit together so one day they will have the complete outdoors, only indoors and made of plastic. Ba dum bum.

And before I forget to blog about the kids seeing Santa...of course the kids were adorable. Mara played her role as a fifteen month old very well and was nearly terrified of the big guy, and the boys weren't as big of hams as they appear in the photo. They were surprised to see that Mrs. Claus was there, and said she looked like Nana (I wished I had taken my camera but we may return for a second photo of just Mara for her bio mom).

I had coached them to wish Santa a Merry Christmas FIRST (which they did!) and to only tell Santa ONE big thing that they wanted ("You know, if you could only get one thing, what would it be?") Liam told Santa he wanted a violin. Seamus was very shy, and could not even speak to Santa, but just smiled sweetly, hence the reason why they have that area for kids to write letters to Santa. Mara didn't say, but I saw her eying a pink camouflage Hummer.

Even I coveted a couple of things at BPS. I love the McCall's jar candles, all the country kitchen stuff, and even some of the furniture which reminds me of Nana & Papa's place. The windchimes are impressive-- though too many of them are for looks only and do not sound good at all. The Bass Pro Store is no longer just a place to go for boats and fishing and hunting gear-- they are now marketing to the entire family, and almost half the store is geared toward Ma and Granny, so go check it out!

I've been in the Christmas Spirit since going. I'm even singing Christmas carols: "We wish you a Merry Christmas...We wish you a Merry Christmas...We wish you a Merry Christmas...and a Bass Pro New Year." Heh heh heh.

Apparently, there is a bitter pill lodged in my throat.

I have to get off the laptop and start bathing all three children so we can get their photo taken with Santa at the Bass Pro Store tonight after Mara's visit...

Seriously, there is an AMAZING Christmas Village at the Bass Pro in Stapleton complete with an old-fashioned electric train set, fake snow everywhere with little wooden tables for doing crafts and writing letters to Santa-- right around the corner from the visit-- and the photo is FREE...

But there is something I really need to get off my chest, that I woke up thinking about...

At the second to last visit, the Case Aide told me, "Mom wants to know if you have some recent pictures." OF COURSE I DO! But why is it my responsibility to provide photos to the woman who cannot bring herself to delve into the reasons why her baby had twenty-four broken bones at only five weeks of age? Why can't she think ahead and bring a disposable camera to the visits (as I have done for her in the past) so that she can take her own pictures with "her" baby?

So here is my evil genius idea: I want to get prints made for her of all the photos of Mara in her body cast and harness, the ones of her crying, and of her legs when they still looked deformed, and of what I know now were deep bruises even though she also has Mongolian spots.

My second more rational idea is to only give her pics of Mara WITH US (her FAMILY).

Would both be wrong? Or would they send a clear message?

I know a few of you read this, so tell me what you think.
Please be honest, I CAN TAKE IT.
Feel free to reply off the blog.