Book us on Jerry Springer, yo.

I've received so much new information related to our foster daughter in the past twenty-four hours that I don't think I've even processed it all {and I only use the phrase "foster daughter" here, as she simply feels like my daughter to me. and ever more so each day. period.} I suppose that's what this blog is for, so here goes...

We had a meeting here at our house again with the County Case Worker ("Ben"), the Case Manager from our licensing agency ("Codi"), and the Gaurdian Ad Litem ("Amie"). I have to say, if it wasn't for these meetings here at our house, the legs of our kitchen table and chairs might never get cleaned. I almost all-ways clean like I did for the homestudy, when I know they will all be sitting in our dining room during the brightest part of the day. And what was I thinking with a white wood table and chairs and very light-colored maple wood flooring? I can't think of a less mess-disguising color scheme.

Basically, we got several more pieces of the puzzle yesterday, but no big changes. Luckily, at the end of the day, no matter what, we're still the ones holding her.

I will start with the fact that we FINALLY have confirmation of the identity of Baby Grrl's biological father. He lives in New York and he is not in jail anymore! So, Baby Grrl's three-year-old sister is her full sister {now I know why I like her the most} and I *almost* hope they eventually decide to separate her and the seven-year-old for therapeutic reasons and place her with us, or place her with us if they have to be moved again. I have made it clear that we're willing to take her but cannot take the two of them. Ben cautioned me that she is a lot of work and throws five-hour tantrums but I'm not afraid of her. She responds really well to me as an adult. And besides, NO ONE gets to throw five-hour tantrums in this house. Not even me. The boys have to go their room if their tantrum is longer than usual for their age or if it is interfering with the rights of other people in the house. It's called behavior management/modification, folks, and I have A LOT of experience working with very difficult people. Besides, I imagine 3.5 y.o. DS2 would throw five-hour tantrums if we didn't love him, let him be a voice in this family, and give him the space he needs to be himself, but we do-- and if that doesn't work, we tickle him out of the baddest of moods. Bring it on! {BTW, when the boys do get sent to their room it is with classical music playing and a bookshelf full of books to read, so fear not for their mental health, g-rents.}

Secondly, while the Baby Daddy will not return the calls from the Denver County Case Worker, he has been in contact with Baby Grrl's bio mom. She proudly told me last night that he had called her, and he even sent her a picture of his daughter by another woman. Baby Grrl's bio mom then gave *me* a picture of her for Baby Grrl's photo album. So, ANOTHER {half} SISTER.

Our Case Manager, being the great advocate she is, brought up the issue of whether or not the visits are being appropriately supervised and we discussed that at length. Ben showed his true colors by saying no one ever said the Case Aide denied the lollipop incident ever happened {actually, he told me she denied it on the phone on February 27 but WHATEV}. I was asked to share the photos of mom and a friend of the family holding Baby Grrl while she was clearly teething on a lollipop, and I think Ben and Amie were nonplussed. Nonetheless, Ben looked me in the eyes and told me he talked to the Case Aide and made it very clear that candy was not to be given to the baby. {So mom showed up with a bottle of juice. Cuz babies need juice by six months in her world.} She ate something orange at the visit last night {and I would bet my bottom dollar it was not sweet potato} that was all over her bib and outfit, and she has been fussy and gassy all.day.long. Oh, and she hasn't pooped yet today which is very odd for her. I don't even know why her mom has to shove food in her face during the visit when she has usually just eaten {and we tell her that} and has bottles and formula in the diaper bag if she does get hungry. I understand that giving her anything she wants to eat is within her rights as the biological parent but it feels like she is marking her territory or playing with a toy or something. Plus, it's the old "she act like she want it" story. But she acts like she wants my keys and the cellophane wrapper on my microwave popcorn bag but I don't let her eat them.

So the team is surprised we have not "blown through Case Aides" on this case as they expected, I guess because of the number of children and the situation that placed them all in foster care in the first place. Plus, Ben said a lot of Case Aides would find it hard to be around "Dad" since he could have been the abuser. I personally have the same problem being around "Mom", but no one seems to care what I think. Come to think of it, it irks me that they call them Dad and Mom at all but it's all part of their professional lingo and we are all just another case to them I'm sure.

Apparently, psychological evaluations have not painted a pretty picture of mom or her motivation and suggest she may have a developmental delay, which is not surprising and does help explains things a bit. That is good news for us in terms of "evidence" but also very sad to hear these findings in that she is the mother to these SIX girls. I predict that at least three of the six will most likely follow in their mom's footsteps, get pregnant at a young age, quit school, get on welfare and perpetuate the cycle. Fortunately, Baby Grrl shows signs of being highly intelligent, and she is above average developmentally and speaking already. She says "angy" {angry}, "bah-bah" {bottle}, "bay-buh" {baby}, "dada", "mama", "um" {for DS1, it is a syllable in his name}, "muh" {again, for DS2, a syllable in his name}, "dah-gah" {doggie} and "hi". And she has been known to say Baghdad, bigs, hey, off, sick, and up {each of those only on one occasion and clearly in mimicry}. As for the Nature versus Nurture debate, I still think it is complicated. Genetics are surely a part of it, but I think that Nurture is going a long way to help her heal and thrive; and it would be wrong for her to be taken out of a home where she is THRIVING and placed in one in which she would probably not only regress, but where there is the very serious potential for severe abuse or at the very least, severe neglect. Mark my words: if she is returned to her bio mom or placed with her bio dad, I will become the biggest, fiercest child advocate this world has ever seen. Or a mad, raving lunatic. It could absolutely go either way.

Okay, so back to the meeting...

Ben said something about the judge not even hearing cases if there isn't a thorough family history, and they haven't been able to obtain that, so it's far from being ready to go forward. The man Bio Mom initially accused of the abuse has his disposition hearing next week, so we will see how that turns out.

It was extremely upsetting to me when they started talking about "Permanency Plans". Apparently, they like to have them in place around one year. One year after placement or one year of age? I don't know and didn't think to ask. But it begs the question: What judge in her right mind would be okay with a Permanency Plan that includes ANY member of Baby Grrl's bio family? And after she is with us for a year or more, what would it do to her to be taken from the only family she has ever known? The weekly, hour and a half visits are hard enough for her now. Our Case Manager pushed for the Case Worker and GAL to say which way they think it will go, and that started them on a very long discussion that mostly centered around the inappropriateness of all of the family member's living situations, alcoholism, conflicting stories, and when the children will finally start therapy, et cetera.

But the thing that REALLY rattled me the most from yesterday's meeting was when the County Case Worker said he thought "it would be great if we could get a hold of Dad in another state, do a homestudy, and find a permanent home for her {Baby Grrl} and her sister" all based on his opinion that her Dad's mom {Grandma} and sister {Aunt} sound so nice on the phone. WTF?!?!?! Are we even on the same planet? These people in another state do not even know her, they have never met her, and she has no connection to them except sperm. But they would place the baby in their care simply because he has paternal rights. The very thought of that happening shook me up so badly, I almost had to leave the meeting and go to the bathroom and throw up {as it was, I saved it for after the visit drop-off}.

There are more pieces of the puzzle but I can't think of what they are right now. I'm fighting a bug and it's winning today, as I have finally spiked a fever after three days of feeling very ache-y and crappy, and I'm literally falling asleep at the keyboard which is scary since it's only Noon. But I've been up since 6:30 a.m. and slept only four solid hours last night {ah, but what a glorious four hours they were! thank you, DH!}. I'm getting through today on TheraFlu severe cold & flu medicine {I know, it only masks the symptoms but I have three children to take care of} but I'm going straight to bed when DH gets home and sleeping until I feel better. I have to get well for them and because my dad and stepmom are coming to town on Saturday!! Oh yeah, and for me. So I will feel better. Yeah, that, too.