LIFE'S CRAY-ZEE, YAWL!

Never in a million years did I think I would be typing this post! Never! And as if never wasn't enough, I add: In a million years, people! One million years is a long time. So just let that sink in first and I'll wait.

While I was busily working on piecing together a book (based on this blog) about adopting Tomorrow,  The Ghost of Caseworkers Past called to say "HOLD THE PRESSES!" and/or "There is going to be a sequel."

We were contacted by Denver DHS and asked if we are still interested in adopting M-----!

WE were contacted by Denver DHS. Okay, have you accepted that part? That alone is apparently newsworthy. [Denver DHS is currently under a lot of scrutiny for the deaths of children who were in foster/kinship placements under their custody, and case workers who neglected to do follow-up calls and visits (despite several documented calls to the child abuse hotline by various concerned family members).]

After you get over the initially unenthused "meh" of your brain, try this part on for size: We were asked if we are still interested in adopting our adopted daughter's sister. The child we wanted to adopt THREE YEARS AGO.

In a shocking turn of events (drip, drip, drip...that's the sound of oozing sarcasm), we ARE interested in adopting her! We are currently pursuing certification and it's been a real barrel of monkeys so far, let me tell ya. Yet we know it will be worth it in the end when our daughter and her full sister are reunited at last, and our family is finally complete.

Until the next child anyway.

Wednesday's Child Ayanna Always Willing To Lend A Hand « CBS Denver

One of Tomorrow's older sisters, Ayanna, was featured on the Wednesday's Child segment on a local news channel.

Wednesday's Child Ayanna Always Willing To Lend A Hand « CBS Denver

Wednesday's Child Today

I just received a frantic text from Tomorrow's birth mother, L----. Her two daughters, A----- and M---- (for whom she lost custody along with Tomorrow) are now available for adoption and were highlighted today on the Wednesday's Child segment of a local news station.

L---- texted me that her teenage daughter T------, who has developmental disabilities and mental illness, had "called to try and get them" but was awaiting a return call. I didn't hesitate to strongly suggest to her that there is NO WAY ON EARTH that they will let T------ adopt them. THEY ARE NOT UNWANTED ANIMALS AWAITING ADOPTION IN A SHELTER.

The birth mother does not understand the rigorous procedure that we adoptive parents go through to adopt children. We have to apply, which is a folder of paperwork in and of itself, get fingerprinted, have state and federal background checks return without a blemish, and THEN and only then, does the adoptive homestudy process begin. This involves several visits to the home, inspection of every inch of the home, and more probing into family members, co-workers and friends. EVERY reference is checked. More paperwork, including copies of homeowner's insurance and pet veterinary records, must by completed. There are quizzes to assess the applicant's mental health and the stability of their long-term relationship or marriage. The couples are interviewed separately about their childhoods, family background, legal history, work history, any drug use, and possible sexual abuse or deviations from the sexual norm.

This isn't an easy process, and it took us a year the first time because we already had two children and we had just relocated to the Southeast Aurora Denver Metro Area (SADMA). We aren't currently homestudied nor are we interested or ready to adopt, and especially not children who have been so severely physically and sexually abused and neglected, as well as being moved from one foster home to another over the past few years. Tomorrow's Guardian Ad Litem implored me not to even have M---- come over for an overnight visit/respite care. SHE WAS IN TEARS. She worried that the girl could undo some of the progress we'd made with Tomorrow in one day. So I promised her that while my instinct was to try and adopt M----, because she is the only girl out of the other five who are a full sister to Tomorrow, we would keep our promise to keep Tomorrow safe, even if that included keeping her away from her sisters.

At the termination hearing, the judge did not order that Tomorrow have ANY visits with her sisters, and that is extremely rare since the court does everything they can to protect and support sibling relationships. He did not feel it was necessary to protect those tenuous ties since she was removed from the home at only five weeks and the other sisters had been so abused. The concern was that they would abuse her physically or sexually.

Even if I wanted to adopt M---- or A-----, there is a very good chance that the adoption would not be approved for various reasons. One very important reason, that is tantamount in my mind, is that the girls need to be adopted separately and possibly be only children. I have yet to look into the broadcast or their adoption information, but I hope that the county is not willing to let someone adopt both them. They have sexually abused each other and need to be separated. They are a danger to each other and other siblings, and will not be able to live up to their full potential until they are free from acting out their traumatic past with each other every day.

It's days like today when I regret staying in touch with Tomorrow's birth mother. My thinking was that it is best to keep one's friends close, and one's enemies closer. By staying in touch with her, I know where she is (Brooklyn, New York) and what she is up to (gang banging and getting pregnant again), et cetera.

I'm sad but also happy for A----- and M---- and hope they are both adopted by wonderful families who want a daughter to pamper and protect as much as we did. In a perfect world, we would adopt M----, the girl I met when she was three, who looked up at me with big brown eyes and said, "Can I go home with you, too?" Alas, it will not be. And this is where my tears fall.

This continues to be such a bittersweet journey. Just when I had shared a link to this blog on Google Plus and remarked that I hadn't written anything here for a while, I feel like I'm throwing up all over the screen once again. At first I was embarrassed by how much I lamented the journey when I looked back at my very emo posts. But I think it's so important for people considering foster adoption, especially interracial adoption. The fact that someone like me, who is educated, informed and skilled at communicating with other professionals, experienced as much angst and frustration throughout the process as I did, is cautionary advice for others who may not have as many resources and might get overwhelmed on the sometimes harrowing journey.

Onward and upward.

SIX months, really?

Wow, I never thought I would go this long without blogging here, but so much has happened and my heart and mind have been busy elsewhere.

First and foremost, we've been enjoying just being a family and not fostering MJ anymore. It's indescribable the relief I feel at knowing that she will always be a part of our family, and that we will get to guide and protect her as she grows into the amazing person she is going to be.

Secondly, we took in another baby, Sasha, on October 24, 2010, when she was only two days old. She was born to Shantell C. Alire on October 22, weighing 5 pounds. Because we are no longer licensed as a foster family, I am posting the information I have about her birth mother (from her tiny hospital bracelet which is still in the top drawer of my bedside table) in hopes of someday being able to know how she is doing and see how much she has grown and hopefully thrived. I could write an entire book about how much I bonded with that baby girl in the six weeks she was with us, but for now, suffice to say that my heart was utterly broken by that experience and I decided I could never put my family or my self through the loss of a baby again. It drove such a wedge between my husband and I that we separated and are still working on repairing our marriage. We're still not truly together as husband and wife but we're both going to 12-step support groups and are trying to figure out how exactly we've gotten to the point that we're at in our marriage.

Finally, as most of you who read this blog know, my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last Fall and gave up his fight on January 9. I think we are all still coming to terms with the enormous loss of the patriarch of the family, and I know it's going to take some time to adjust to not having him here with us in body. He will all-ways be with us in our hearts and we have so many wonderful memories with him and photographs by him for which we are so very grateful.

So that's why I haven't written for six months.

How are you?

And Foster Baby Makes Six?

It sounds like crazy making, and it is!

Today we did our annual update to renew our therapeutic foster family license so we are still an open home for a baby or child in foster care. And all I would have to do is call the Placement Coordinator at Ariel and tell her we want to go on the openings list if we decided we want to open our home to another baby or child in foster care. (Like say, for instance, a sister for Tomorrow.)

I had texted the Placement Coordinator, "Rochelle", that I didn't want to renew our license -- I have my hands full with raising up the three kids we have, especially with Tomorrow starting homepreschool this year --but of course she called me and in her sweet little voice somehow talked me into staying licensed. She told me about another family we know that thought they were done (they've adopted three or four kids from foster care) and then had a change of heart and decided a few months later that they wanted to adopt another child from foster care. They're in the process of re-applying and they have to do EVERYTHING over again. Like I said, we know the family -- they also homeschool, and we cared for a three-month-old baby boy one weekend that they ended up adopting -- and if they could change their mind I know we could, too.

In my heart of hearts, I don't feel that our family is complete. Mike and I have talked a lot about having two boys and two girls, with the utopian vision that it would bring more balance or symmetry to the siblings. Our thinking is that each child would have a sister (or two) and a brother (or two); and, theoretically, there would be no middle child (or two of them?!) and every one would always have a buddy. You know, for amusement park rides and boarding Noah's Ark and other such important life events.

No but seriously, while she tries her darnedest to keep up with her big brothers, Tomorrow is often left out of activities that the boys engage in for which she's deemed too young to do. Or, more often than not, she simply wants to do things that they don't enjoy, such as dancing ballet and playing with dolls. She has told us herself that she wants a sister who will play in her room with her. When she recently saw her baby cousin from Missouri who is a girl, she told me "I wan one uh doze bay-bee gulls, Momma." Even the boys have said they wish we could have another baby *if* it is a girl. Mike can hardly stand to hold babies he wants another one so badly. And I won't lie, I've got baby fever something awful with a ticking biological time bomb about to go off.

Someday, when I'm ready, I may make that call to Rochelle. I've given away all the baby clothes and cloth diapers, so I'd have to start all over again, but I have the basics that every baby needs: tireless arms for holding, a mei tai for babywearing, and a penchant for singing lullabies.

You may think I'm crazy for even thinking about having another child, and you're right.

I'm crazy about babies and children.